Letters to my Parents - Wednesday 8 July 1992 - by Alinda
I’m confused. Something happened on the train back to London and I don’t know what it means. I wish Hedwig wasn’t locked in her cage so I could send Hermione a letter and ask her what she thinks. Because I think it means he likes me like really likes me. As in he wants to be my boyfriend likes me. And I don’t know if that is what I want. I like hanging out with him, he makes me feel safe. But does that mean I like him too? I just don’t know. And what if I’m wrong? What if it just means we are good friends? I can do that. I think. But it’s different with him than with Hermione. I want to be close to him whenever I can. And I don’t miss Hermione as much as I miss him. Mom, does that mean I like him more than just friends? I just don’t know. And I don’t know what to do. I wish you were here to help me figure this all out. I miss you both so much.
I’m crying now. I haven’t cried in a long time. But being here, all alone at Privet Drive, not having my friends nearby to talk to, it makes me sad.
Oh, I also made Hagrid cry. He came to visit me while I was still in the hospital wing after everything that had happened with Professor Quirrell and Voldemort. He thought it was all his fault because he had told the evil git (his words) how to get past Fluffy. He felt horrible that I could have died, and only because he wanted that dragon egg. He promised to never drink again. I don’t think he will hold up that promise, because he likes to drink once in a while. But at that moment I was shocked to see Hagrid like that. He was shaking and great tears were leaking down into his beard. I comforted him, telling him that Voldemort had found out one way or another and I offered him one of the many chocolate frogs I had gotten.
And then he gave me the best present I’ve ever gotten. It is a handsome, leather-covered book and it’s filled with wizard photographs of you, mom and dad. Hagrid had sent owls to all your old school friends asking for photos because he knew I hadn’t any. I couldn’t speak when he gave it to me. It really is the best present ever. So, I just hugged Hagrid in thanks.
Later that day I was allowed to go to the end-of-year feast. Madam Pomfrey had held me up with her fussing, so the great hall was already full when I got there. It was decorated in the Gryffindor colours of gold and scarlet and a huge banner showing the Gryffindor lion covered the wall behind the High Table. For the first time in seven years, Slytherin hadn’t won the house cup and people still blamed me for it. I could see it on my housemates’ faces when I walked in, so I silently slipped into a seat next to Draco. He had saved me a place on his right side, and as soon as I sat down he grabbed my left hand with his right, so we would both still have or dominant hand free to eat. He smiled at me and I just had to smile back. I was still alive, and even after performing the body-bind curse on Draco, he was still my friend.
In the end, Dumbledore gave out some extra points before the house cup was awarded to Gryffindor. We went up from the fourth place to the second. Dumbledore gave 50 points to Ron for the best-played game of chess Hogwarts has seen in many years and 50 points to Hermione for the use of cool logic in the face of fire, making Gryffindor’s lead even greater. And then he rewarded me 100 points for pure nerve and outstanding courage. Those points made us go to second place, but Gryffindor was still a 110 point in the lead. But seconds was always better than last, at least that is what Blaise said, but most Slytherins were still upset about losing.
Oh, and then Dumbledore gave away even more points. And I think they were the most deserved points. He said that there are all kinds of courage. That it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. And therefore he awarded 25 points to Draco. It still wasn’t enough to win, but Draco was so happy to get points for bravery that I didn’t care at all that we didn’t win the house cup.
After that, we enjoyed the feast. I think it was the best evening of my life. It was better than Christmas and better than knocking out mountain trolls. I will never forget that night and the feeling of Draco’s hand in mine. And when we were back in our dormitory I showed him the book Hagrid had gotten me. We looked at all the pictures together, trying to figure out who the other people in the pictures are.
The next day we got our exam results. I passed them with good marks, even potions. I told Draco that was all thanks to him. He was less happy with his result, even though they were better than mine. Hermione had beaten him on every subject, except for potions. Ron and Blaise had also passed all their exams. And Neville his outstanding Herbology mark made up for his dreadful Potions one, so he was allowed back for second year as well.
Before we knew it the time to go back home had come. I packed my trunk thinking Hogwarts had become more my home than Privet Drive. And I was right. This place doesn’t feel like home anymore. Draco said he would write to me as often as possible. I didn’t think I would be able to write back to him, because I was sure Uncle Vernon would lock up Hedwig as soon as I would come home, just like he had done before I went to school last September. Draco had a solution for that. He said I should write the letter, and then, when his owl would deliver his letter, I could attach my letter to his owl. And now I’m scared his letter will arrive and I won’t have anything to send back to him, because I don’t know Well, I’ll get to that in a bit.
Hermione, Ron, Neville, Blaise, Draco and I all shared a compartment in the Hogwarts Express. We talked and laughed and eat so much candy. It was a lot of fun. Draco said he would ask his parents if we could have a birthday party for me at his house this summer and promised to owl all of us as soon as he had tricked them into saying yes. Blaise was off to Spain for the summer with his mother; Ron would stay home and enjoy the countryside with his brothers; Neville was going home to his gran and Hermione said she was going to help her parents in their dentist practice. She had to explain to the others what a dentist is. I was glad the conversation turned to muggle health care after that, so I didn’t have to tell them that I was going to spend my summer feeling miserable at my aunt and uncle’s place.
And then we pulled into platform nine and three-quarters at King’s Cross Station. All our friends got off the train until it was just me and Draco left. He said he was going to miss me and then he kissed me on my cheek, just before he walked out of the compartment. I just sat there for a while. My hand went to my left cheek where Draco had just kissed it. What did it mean? It made my stomach flutter and my heart pound. Is that what it feels like when you love someone? I should have asked Hermione how she knows that she loves Ron back at school.
When I left the platform Uncle Vernon, who is still purple-faced with that ugly moustache of his, was waiting for me, with a terrified-looking aunt Petunia and Dudley standing behind him. They hurried me out of the station and we drove back home. As soon as we got home, uncle Vernon locked all my schoolbooks, my wand, robes, cauldron and all other school supplies in the cupboard under the stairs. I have no idea how I’m going to make my homework this way.
Uncle Vernon also put a padlock on Hedwig’s cage, so she can’t fly around. She’s bored like hell. Just like me. But she is lucky; she’s not having an emotional crisis because her best friend kissed her on the cheek. And she’s not the one not capable of sending a letter to her other best friend to ask her what it means. No, that’s just me. And I’m scared of the owl that will arrive with Draco’s letter, will he say anything about it in a letter. Will he explain why he did it? And what am I supposed to write to him now? Does he expect me to say anything about it? I’ve been trying to write to him, but I just don’t know what to say. I can’t put in a letter that I’m confused, that I don’t know what it all means. AARRGHH, it’s driving me insane.
I know I like it when he holds my hand. And I know that kiss made my heart pound in my throat. And I miss him really bad. I want to talk to him, see him. I want to stroke my hand through his blond hairs when they fall in front of his face. I even dream about him. Does this all mean that I like him? And that I’m a poof? Because I’ve been kind of thinking about what it would be like if he would really kiss me, on the lips, not just on my cheek. And I think I would like it. I think I really do like him. I really like him, as in I want him to be my boyfriend like him.
Mom, dad, I like Draco Malfoy and I want him to be my boyfriend.
What do I do now? Should I tell him in a letter, or wait till I see him again? Oh, and I hope it’s okay that I like a boy. I think you two would be okay with it, but I can’t really know. I’m sure uncle Vernon and aunt Petunia will be horrified by the idea of me being a poof.
I think I’ll wait till I see him again in person to tell him. I just hope he feels the same.
