It's kind of weird because, on top of plurality, we've also got trans feelings to throw on top of it but even when we were totally in denial about being plural, we knew we weren't the singular us people thought of us as.
We think of the child we used to be as dead. They simply didn't make it out. Some of us are more connected to what happened to them but it comes and goes and in the end, as far as I know, none of us feel explicitly like that was them. That child didn't make it through and we use "deadname" in more ways than one.
We use a different name for us all. We have for awhile. It feels bad in some ways-That kid used to exist and we live in what used to be their body. But it feels worse to use it, feeling disconnected and knowing who people are referring to doesn't exist anymore.
We told ourselves it was simply being trans that created this disconnect but since being more honest to ourselves about our plurality and general mental health, I think we've all known (even if we didn't want to) its more than that.
The name doesn't just bring us dysphoria; that name belongs to a person who existed and who was severed from us due to a frankly absurd amount of trauma. We hear the name and the discomfort is akin to hearing someone speak of a dead relative when you weren't expecting it.
I'm glad we realized it, though, even if it is weird. We always try to honor the kid we used to be, to become someone who would've helped them and I think being honest about our feelings on all of this is important to that. Not sure exactly how, in this scenario, but still.