Love is like a drug,
I get it now-she was my drug
I used to call her my own, personal drug
told her, how I couldn't get enough of her
how every touch got me high, got me going crazy
how addicted I was to her
but just now, that she's gone
i realize the true meaning of it
I get it now-she was my drug
she was poisonous
she changed me
she had total control over my life
over every thought of mine
and now, like every other lost addict,
I see how impossible it seems
to let go of her
and even though it's supposed to get easier every day
there are seconds I crave nothing more than her
But i guess that's the good part:
as much as I want her,
need her,
crave her,
I can't have her,
cause
she's gone.
finally getting around to updating my fic. hopefully posting sometime tonight, otherwise tomorrow afternoon if it takes me that long. or if i get distracted by fanfiction or music.
Author's note: Yeah, this took forever to get out. I was busy the last couple of days, procrastinated quite a bit, and saw the Hunger Games! This update is kind of angsty. I'm not really used to writing angst, more of a just fluff and die person, so I hope this is okay! Next update should be either sometime Wednesday or Thursday, depending on how distracted I get. (Again, unbeta'd! So please bear with any mistakes I've made.)
I can't speak,
I can't make a sound to somehow capture your attention,
I'm staring at perfection.
The words had been plaguing him ever since he met the boy, Kurt Hummel, at the quiet coffee shop a few blocks from his apartment. Every thought, every word, kept spinning in his head, always coming back to him. Sebastian knew it was more than what his mind would let him think, but the prospect of seeing him again was low. What was he thinking, taking his phone and giving him his number? He probably thought Sebastian was pushy, a little too straight forward, a little too under him. Of course, why would anyone want to spend another day with him?
But he couldn't shake the fact that Kurt had sought him out after his performance, he had initiated the conversation and the offer for coffee. It was that little bit that kept him hanging on, clinging to that tiny shred of hope.
Sebastian sighed, pushing the scrap of paper into his jar he kept most of the jumbled lyrics he wrote. Every now and then, he'd sort through them to see which ones made the most sense and proceeded to write them into a song. Half of them seemed to make something suitable, while the rest were just his thoughts and made no sense put together. So far, the jar only contained the last two he'd written since meeting Kurt. Kurt was scribbled on a piece of tape on the front of the jar, a last minute decision he had made the other night after meeting him. There was just this feeling deep down inside that somehow, something great would come out of this. Either it be a new song or new opportunities, he didn't know.
"What am I getting myself into?" he muttered to himself, pushing his hands through his hair and resting his face in his palms.
It had only been a week since he'd seen him, but the last two times he performed, Kurt was no where to be found. Neither was he there any of the days Sebastian showed up for his regular coffee. In the end, Sebastian started to worry he'd never see the other boy again. He had given him his number, but hadn't ask for Kurt's in return.
"I'm hopeless."
His phone vibrated on the table next to him, but he ignored it, favoring to pack up the guitar and everything else he needed. Shoving the phone into the pocket of his hoodie, Sebastian slung the guitar over his shoulder and grabbed his keys, making his way out of the quiet apartment. Halfway to the coffee shop, his phone vibrated again in his pocket, causing him to pause long enough to fish it out. Unlocking it revealed he had two unread texts from an unknown number. His heart practically leapt out of his chest at the possibility it could be Kurt.
(12:20): I just realized I never gave you my number, so I hope you don't think I'm just some random person. This is Kurt, by the way, if you didn't get that!
(12:23): Also, are you playing this afternoon? If so, I'll be there. :)
Sebastian's face lit up in a dopey grin, his fingers flying across the screen of his phone, typing out a quick text to Kurt to confirm that yes, he was playing today, and that now his number was saved in his phone for later reference.
To say he was disappointed upon entering the coffee shop and not seeing Kurt there was an understatement. The boy had said he would be there, so Sebastian had expected him to be front row and center, just waiting for him to arrive. But that was stupid, wasn't it? They barely knew each other and Sebastian knew he was just being creepy now. There was nothing going on between them, they were friends. Were they friends? It hadn't been established yet, but he assumed they were. Especially if Kurt was texting him now. Friends? Yeah, he could handle that.
It wasn't long before he was set up on stage again, coffee and a water bottle parked at his feet next to the stool he was perched on, guitar in hand. He moved the mic a bit, leveling it to a good spot before leaning in and smiling at his audience. The jingle of the bell above the entrance door caught his attention and his eyes drifted over, catching onto the person who quickly took a spot at the back of the line. Green eyes met the most beautiful shade of glasz. For a moment, his breath caught in his chest and his nerves were set on fire, causing his body to heat up. He must have been blushing now, as he tore his gaze away from Kurt with a small wave.
Friends, he thought with a sigh, shaking his head and putting his fingers into position on the guitar beneath him, I can totally do that.
He quickly launched into his first few songs, trying to get into a good vibe and rhythm, slowly working out the nerves that were still biting at the edges of his mind. There was no way he was going to make a fool of himself, in front of Kurt, now that he knew him on a somewhat personal level. Okay, not very personal, but more so than he knew anyone else in the coffee shop. He couldn't mess up, or forget the words, because finally for the first time since he'd started playing, he had someone worth doing it right for.
The minutes flew by, along with the nerves, his body going slack and relaxed, that inescapable zone he got into when he was playing. When the song ended, he leaned over and took a quick drink from the water bottle, clearing his throat as he did.
"This next song is a little deeper, you could say. I wrote it back in high school, my senior year, when I was struggling with my family. First time I've ever played it for an audience, actually. So go easy on me," Sebastian explained, chuckling as he said the last words, "It's called Pretend."
"It seems all of these words couldn't be further from the truth,
How did I get here? What did I do?
Your eyes, telling me lies
And making me find myself
While you have your agenda, a life to pursue..."
Sebastian lifted his gaze, catching Kurt's eye for a moment and smiling sadly, his fingers still working on his guitar like it was a second nature. He had no idea why he chose to sing this song tonight. It was one of those songs he kept for himself, to remind him of what used to be, and what was now. Too late to change my mind now, he thought, otherwise I'll just look like a complete idiot.
"So please,
Let me be free from you.
And please, let me be free,
I can face the truth.
I'm blind to all of your colors,
That used to be rainbow then,
My eyes, where did they go to?
Why disappear?
It's hard to be all alone,
I never got through your disguise,
I guess I'll just go, and face all my fear..."
It wasn't that his parents would bad people, they just had a reputation to uphold and masks were always on display, even at home. They weren't always like that, especially when he was younger. Light of their life, they had said, but it was until he reached high school that they started drifting, work was more important and trips were made, leaving him alone most months. He'd always been able to take care of himself sense then, which was just enough motivation for him to get far away from their eyes. If he hadn't escaped, who knew what he'd be doing today?
"So please,
Let me be free from you,
And please, let me be free,
I can face the truth.
Put down your world,
Just for one night,
Pick me again.
So please,
Let me be free from you,
And please, let me be free,
I can face the truth."
He ended the song with a strained smile and a muttered thank you, before switching and delving quickly into another, more upbeat and light hearted song. For awhile he tried to avoid Kurt's stare he could feel piercing into him, but it wasn't long until he was staring straight at him with a more eased smile. Kurt smiled widely back at him, his hands coming up to dab at the corners of his eyes. His smile was what kept Sebastian going through the rest of his set.
——————— — — —
It isn't until the third time they see each other again, that Sebastian finally invites Kurt back to his apartment to hang out. After Kurt had come to watch him, they started texting more and Kurt even appeared at the coffee shop when Sebastian wasn't playing a set. Of course, before he would even let Kurt come into his apartment, he hid the jar with this name on it and the two scraps of lyrics in it. No sense in coming off as a complete creep to this new found friend.
Sebastian opened the door to his apartment nervously, stepping back away from the door to let Kurt in first. Once the other boy was in the hall leading in, he closed the door behind them and slipped off his shoes. Kurt soon followed suit, a timid smile playing at the corner of his lips.
"This is my apartment. Sorry it's not much and it's kind of boring," he explained hurriedly, leading the shorter boy into the living room.
His apartment was a pretty good size, seeing as he lived alone. There was two bathrooms, one leading off from the entrance hallway and the other coming out from the master bedroom. There was also a guest room, a laundry room, and a small kitchen. The wall of the apartment were a warm tan color, the furniture accenting it and bringing the rooms to life. There was a widescreen tv set aside in the corner, a lone couch facing in it's direction, and the coffee table lay between the two.
"Here's the living room," Sebastian said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck, "I'm not very good at picking things out, so it's just kind of hastily put together."
"It looks nice," Kurt replied kindly, throwing Sebastian a smile, "It looks very homey and well lived in, which are always good elements. I can tell you spend a lot of time in this room."
"Yeah, this is where I do most of my work and writing."
"Oh? Have anything you care to share?" the shorter boy teases, waggling his eyebrows in Sebastian's direction.
"No way! You've heard plenty of my stuff. I don't really have anything in the making as of right now," he lied, worrying at his bottom lip with his teeth, "Maybe sometime, though."
And he means it. Maybe, one day, he'd be able to share the song that was nagging at him. There were just things about Kurt Hummel that needed to be written down and sung about, just not in public or even in private. Yet.
They settled onto the couch with a bottle of wine, two glasses between them. It was easy being there with Kurt, talking about nothing too serious. Even after the times they'd hung out, sipping coffee down at their regular place, they kept the conversation light. The deepest they'd gone was when Sebastian told him the story behind the song he'd sung the other night. It was all the past though and he was very comfortable with Kurt, his mouth running off without his permission.
Hours passed, Kurt having gone through two glasses of wine, and three for Sebastian. He was feeling the buzz at the edges of his mind, an idiotic grin settling onto his face. Across from him on the couch, Kurt was starting to look similar, though definitely not as much as himself. Since they started drinking, the conversation started to drift toward heavier things. Life back in Ohio, struggling with coming out and accepting who they were, to past relationships.
"I've never been in a relationship before," Sebastian admitted, his head dipped down and eyes seeking out Kurt from beneath his lashes.
"Never ever?" Kurt asks bewildered, "But you're an attractive man. I'm sure boys are just throwing themselves at your feet on a daily basis."
"Oh, I've had plenty of hookups. Just never a relationship. I was too afraid, so I put up this front as a player so I wouldn't get hurt. It hurt enough being alone all the time because my parents were always away, I couldn't handle having someone mess me up even more."
Kurt just stares at him for a long while, his eyes seeming like they're trying to pick him apart. It isn't long before he's grabbing Sebastian's hand in his and rubbing his thumb along his knuckles. It's soothing and it's at that moment that Sebastian realizes he's almost crying, the tears prickling at the edges of his eyes. Kurt is the first one he'd ever told this to, the only one to know the real motive behind why he threw himself around and pretended that it didn't matter. He doesn't know why he's telling Kurt all of these things about himself that not even his friends know. There was just something about this boy though, that made him want to spill of his secrets, so just come clean. When Kurt finally speaks up, Sebastian has concluded that this boy before him is his best and only close friend he's ever had.
"I've actually only had one boyfriend. Back in high school, everyone thought we would be together forever. I thought so too, once upon a time," Kurt starts, his hand squeezing Sebastian's a little tighter, "Then I left for college and I guess the distance was too much for him. He cheated on me one night when he got drunk with some old friends of mine. I found out when I came home for spring break, and he pleaded and begged, saying it didn't mean anything. I wouldn't have been as mad if he had actually told me after it happened, instead of a few months later."
Sebastian stared, the grip on his hand loosening, only to be reclaimed by his own, hoping to give Kurt the little bit of strength and comfort he'd given him not even moments ago. Maybe it was for himself too, just a little bit. Because the boy in this story, he wanted to punch him right in the face for doing something like this to Kurt. From what he could tell, Kurt was just perfection. Smart, sarcastic, caring, and just something else entirely. Hearing that his first relationship had ended like that just made Sebastian's heart ache for him.
"I haven't really felt up for anything after that happened. I mean, was I not good enough for him anymore? I've always had these self-esteem issues when it came to him, because god was he beautiful, desirable, unlike myself," Kurt chuckles bitterly, clenching his other first, "And now they've just kind of stuck after all that happened. I used to be so out there, so proud of myself and who I was, until he came in."
"I'm so sorry, Kurt," Sebastian whispered softly, his arms coming up and pulling into the boy into an unconscious hug. He wasn't even sure he was doing it until Kurt was resting against his chest, tears soaking into his shirt.
"It was a long time ago," he managed to croak out, pulling away from Sebastian and staring up at him with a sad smile, "And I'm kind of over it, it's just that there's these lingering feelings and everything. Plus, I haven't really talked to anyone about it. Rachel, sure, but some things are better talked about with someone of a third party."
They sat there in silence for awhile, Sebastian rubbing small circles into Kurt's back, his head leaned back and against the couch. Beneath him, Kurt sighed softly and played with the rip in Sebastian's jeans. He closed his eyes for a few moments, taking in all the information he'd just been presented with in the last minutes that had passed. When he reopened them, Kurt's hand was limp against the couch, his breathing evened out and eyes closed serenely. A smile tugged at Sebastian's lips as he extracted himself from the boy and carried him carefully to the guest room.
"Where are we going?" Kurt mumbled into Sebastian's shoulder, his eyes opening slightly, heavy with sleep.
"You can stay in the guest room tonight," Sebastian replied, setting the boy down onto the bed and taking a step back, "There are extra pajamas in the dresser, the bathroom is right through there, and if you need anything don't be afraid to come find me."
He moved to the door and glanced back at Kurt who was making his way to the dresser. Sebastian stayed there for a moment, just watching before he shook his head and moved to leave the room.
"Sebastian?" came Kurt's voice from behind him, causing him to pause and turn around.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"Anytime, Kurt," he replied, a smile tugging at his lips as he entered his own room.
Sebastian slipped into his pajamas and crawled into bed, under the covers. It wasn't until later that night when he was laying awake that the words came to his mind again, causing him to flip over and pull out his pen and paper to scribble them down hastily before they eluded his sleep deprived brain.
Take a look at me so you can see
How beautiful you are...
