Anon wrote: Hi mbti-notes, thank you for this space you have created with such important information! I am an ENTJ in major burnout and am hoping for some advices.
I realized a few days ago that my internal motivator is quite critical and toxic and has been since I was a child. I push myself with thoughts about how I can’t fall behind or I will be worthless and lazy. When I accomplish something, my motivator immediately finds new ways I am behind new targets. I know this is what led to my burnout, which has lasted almost a month now. I feel a rebellious sense of not doing anything the toxic motivator says which feels very good but also means I am avoiding and delaying things I eventually must do.
I have been spending time only doing things that feel good or meet my needs like eating well and walking in nature when I have a spontaneous desire to do so. This has been great but is not sustainable. I feel I need a positive and kind motivator to replace the current one but just saying nice things has not changed the defiant response in me. How do I find a kind way to get myself to do things I don’t want to do but still need to do? I feel like a child lately. Thank you so much
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I don't know if it's comforting but what you've described is a fairly typical expression of Se loop (pushing yourself as though racing on a hamster wheel) and Fi grip (self-indulgence). Burnout is often the logical conclusion to long-term Se loop.
Chronic tertiary loop indicates a long running problem with auxiliary function development. Please see the study guides for more detail about type development. It is through proper Ni development that ENTJs find the right direction in life. Without healthy Ni, ENTJs tend to be motivated by the wrong things and then end up feeling unfulfilled even when they achieve their goals.
In the shorter term, the best strategy is to establish better work-life balance. You are a human being, with human limitations. Time and energy are finite resources, so you have to learn to spend them more wisely. It's analogous to budgeting your finances. There are necessary expenses versus discretionary spending. You have to be able to tell the difference between needs and wants. You have to be realistic about whether all your wants can or should be fulfilled. You have to prioritize and plan well in order to live within your means.
From the perspective of longer term type development, your instinct is correct in informing you that you need to find "a positive and kind motivator". Ni is about discovering your personal purpose, which leads you to live life more meaningfully. Without Ni, Te+Se leads to your actions feeling inexplicably empty, as though you are just doing things for the sake of doing or just doing what everyone else does. It means you have a weak sense of self, living life like a machine that was programmed by someone else.
Weak sense of self is often correlated with self-worth issues. It sounds like you need to rethink the criteria/standards that you use to measure your self-worth, otherwise, you will always feel at the mercy of forces beyond your control. If you truly want to be the master of your own life, you need a stronger sense of self. To build a stronger sense of self requires you to muster courage to change your life for the better, especially through being more willing to explore less conventional paths.
Essentially, you need to build a healthy personal life from which to imbue meaning into all of your activities. Without allowing yourself time and space to explore, away from the daily grind, how are you meant to find out what exactly it is you are meant to do in this world? This is a (spiritual) journey into the subjective. Nobody can or should tell you what the correct path FOR YOU is. It's something you have to discover through the process of digging deeper into your personal hopes and dreams (Ni) and getting to know who you really are (Fi).
Anon wrote: Hello there! I wish you the best. I’m a 20 years old female and i believe that i’m an ENTJ.
I’m a student who is study at home alone for university exam. But i have problems about studying. I don’t have motivation and discipline enough. I believe there are several reasons for that.
1) I’m so pleasure oriented in general. And when it feels so boring and exhausted i’m just giving it up.
2) In the past, i was studying very well and enjoying it, i was so ambitious and always so driven. I was not alone that time. There was a circle, a group of people who i see them as opponents. And this was making me full of ambition and i was able to study.
For a long period of time, i have to study all alone and i don’t have anyone to see as an opponent. In this marathon, literally there’s nothing to stimulate me for study, for finding that ambition again.
Since i was a kid, i was so successfull, always the first at my classes. But after that, in my country whole system has changed just before two months left the high school entrance exam. There was a big exam ( for getting in high school, 5 6 years ago ) and i felt shocked for the first time. And i quit studying when whole system changed because of i believed i couldn’t handle in this short time. I was studying since 8 months and now the whole game was totally changed so I gave it up.
After that day, i couldn’t find any ambition or desire for study in me. And i became obsessed with that desire after this happened. I felt like i have to feel that ambitious for able to study again.
I believe that i can’t go anywhere with working only for a sense of responsibility, without have a strong desire to go. I can’t take to be avarage, i have to be the best at it. I think this might be the reason.
I also feel ashamed of being unseccessfull. And because of that i’m trying to not to talk to people. I stay away from them.
Of course, i’m aware of how unhealthy and silly all of this thought, feelings and beliefs. And i want to change them into something usual, i want to be able to study, work, do anything even without feeling like it. I want to stay disciplined. What should i do?
Any advice from you would be a treasure for me. Thank you.
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This topic has been addressed before, so do a search. There are two interrelated points to pay attention to:
(1) You are too extrinsically motivated. The only reason you do things is to obtain some external reward. The problem with this mentality is that, as soon as the reward is removed, your motivation disappears, revealing that your "ambition" was ultimately shallow and the reward ultimately meaningless. The remedy to this is to nurture intrinsic motivation, to be motivated by your own subjective or personal reasons. Intrinsic motivation doesn't disappear as easily because it is your own, precious to you, and under your control. I suggest that you read previous posts on the topic.
(2) Intrinsic motivation is closely related to Ni development in ENTJs. Through Ni development NJs deeply understand that it is important to live life with a sense of purpose. Purpose involves having a vision of the future and your future self that you hope to actualize. Ni vision acts as a guiding light or a north star to give your life meaningful direction. At 20 years old, you should have undergone substantial Ni development already. If you haven't, then you will become more and more prone to Se loop, which commonly manifests as having poor self-control due to constantly neglecting your future self. These are basic functional stack concepts that are already covered in the Function Theory Guide. I suggest you read the study guides as well as previous posts about Ni development.
Hey, hope you are doing well ! I had a question concerning one issue i’m dealing with.
I’m a 19yo ENFJ. In the ENFJ ego development article, i recognize myself when it’s say « you imagining being criticized ». I’ve noticed that when i’m sharing an opinion, when i’m expressing my feelings, or when i let someone know that i didn’t like something they did to me, i imagine them saying like the worst things to me and i get angry, defensive, as if they really did. Lately it has gotten a little better because when it starts, i’m able to tell myself that it is all in my mind, that i can’t tell that they will react like this, that it won’t help to assume the worse, that those people would never do me like that. But it’s still is really stressful and overwhelming. Any tips to manage it and understand it better ?
You seem to be referring to underlying self-esteem and self-worth issues that are common for FJs, so I suggest you read past posts. As explained in the Type Dev guide, the key to personality development lies in the auxiliary function. It provides introverted balance to extraverts (as well as extraverted balance to introverts).
To be an "immature" ENFJ basically means Fe+Se often run away into extremes because there is no introverted counterbalancing force. Such ENFJs only know to define people's identity or measure their worth through external appearances. As long as you can maintain the appearance of being a good person through obtaining momentary praise from others, then you're really a good person? As long as you can maintain the appearance of harmony by submitting to others and denying the disharmony you feel within, then your relationships are really strong? Proper auxiliary Ni development should help counter this superficial way of thinking.
Do you live your life as though you're always performing? Is the way you behave in front of others the entirety of who you are? Is there nothing inside you that exists independently from how others perceive you? If you're constantly allowing others to define and measure you, you will suffer from insecurity, since your feelings about yourself will shift with every little change in the social winds.
Developing introverted functions involves forming a stronger sense of self with a solid personal boundary, and possessing inner substance that others don't always see and can't touch. As such, your opinion about yourself should matter just as much, if not more than outside opinions. An important aspect of ego development is learning how to be an independent individual, to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself as necessary. Of course, you can learn to advocate for yourself in a way that produces as little harm to others as possible, e.g., by improving your communication skills or conflict resolution skills.
The purpose of Ni+Ti development is to connect with the whole truth. It sounds like the root of your problem is that you don't operate on truth but merely on insecurity. The consequence of caring more about surface appearances than underlying truth is that you won't know the truth of who you are, and your naivete makes you gullible and susceptible to any and every attempt by others to influence you (for good or bad). But when you value the truth above all else and know how to connect to the whole truth of who you are, the words of others will only matter to you to the extent that they are truthful.
Hi,I typed myself as enfj because I have all the insecurities and unhealthy traits of an enfj, I want to fix it but weirdly I don't think it's that important, I feel numb or anxious most of the time, and I know I should change, but i don't feel it.I start reading out of making myself think that I'm doing what I have to, but I never get deep enough really to actually understand it, I do that with everything, studying, conversations, my question is there a way to get myself to actually care?
You're not asking the right question. If you really didn't care, you wouldn't even give any thought to it, let alone expend the energy to ask me about it, would you? What is the real issue, then?
In terms of type development, you seem to be describing auxiliary resistance and tertiary loop. Assuming you have the correct type, auxiliary Ni tells you that it is important to keep striving, changing, and growing into something better, otherwise, you will live a rather superficial and out-of-control life of being constantly consumed by dominant Fe's emotional vagaries and dependencies.
Generally speaking, people resist auxiliary development when they perceive it as some form of hindrance or interference. And people "choose" tertiary loop when they believe that it will silence the auxiliary function, without realizing that it only makes them feel ever more haunted by auxiliary concerns. Being high up in the stack and essential to developing a healthy sense of self, you can't just ignore the auxiliary function. The longer you try, the more stuck you will feel (hence, the anxiety).
"Resistance" is a form of ambivalence. One part of you understands the good that will come from auxiliary development, so, of course, you desire it and feel motivated to pursue it. However, another part of you also fears change, which produces inner conflict as well as contradictory motivations that lead to you "feeling torn". When people aren't able to move forward with change despite desiring it, it means fear has overtaken desire.
There are many factors that may contribute to a negative attitude toward change, for example:
fear of loss (of something familiar/valuable)
fear of losing safety or stability
fear of losing control (and facing unpredictability)
fear of losing oneself, one's identity, or one's freedom
desiring the gains/benefits of unhealthy behavior
low self-esteem
toxic shame
fear of failure
fear of success
pessimism
unrealistic expectations
low frustration tolerance (fear of pain)
lack of resources for coping with the stress of change
lack of knowledge, skill, or competency (regarding how)
If you genuinely want to resolve your ambivalence, it is important to reflect on why you fear change and get to the root of it. Acknowledge and accept the part of you that fears change, empathize with it, and understand why it exists and what threat it's trying to protect you from. Then, as though having a supportive conversation with yourself, learn to soothe the fear and put it to bed as necessary to get on with your personal growth. If you aren't able to get to the bottom of it yourself, it is advisable to work with a therapist.
1. Hi, mbti-notes. I hope you're doing very well! I'm an ENFJ and I live at home with my ESFP mom. I work late shifts as a grocery store clerk, and she's home from work two weeks for the holidays. Because of the coronavirus we'll be around each other a lot and we've already ran into a problem. So far, I've been unable to have a full conversation with her about anything at all. She's suddenly gotten very explosive and defensive and I don't know what to do because of how unpredictable she is.
[con’t: One example is that I said I didn’t want to go buy something I needed at a store because of how likely it is that I’ll contract the virus from work and I don’t want to risk spreading it. She laughed it off and said I could still go, I said I didn’t want to, she repeated that I could, so I said I felt responsible because of my particular situation and that I wanted to take it seriously. This caused her to raise her voice and say she meant to go buy something herself but ”apparently she can’t do that anymore because I won’t let her.” and then she walked out of the room. I didn’t mention her at any point in this and simply explained why I want to stay home as much as I can, so I don’t fully understand where her reaction came from. I even specified that I’m much more exposed to the virus so our situations can’t be compared, but she still got upset.
Then earlier today she told me she’s stopped drinking completely, I chuckled and said well there’s no harm in that at least, and then she got very annoyed because she said I insinuated she used to drink heavily. She’s never been a big drinker and it’s definitely not a sore spot, so I have no clue why she thinks I’d mean it like that. Having to walk on eggshells all the time is draining me and she refuses to have a conversation with me about it so we can work on it together. If I try to ask her about why I’m upsetting her so much she calls it an argument right away and because of that she shuts if down on the basis that it’s “so much better not to fight all the time!”
She’ll sometimes rant about how I’m always attacking her after situations like the two I described, but no matter what I say at any point she wholly refuses to accept that I don’t mean the things I say negatively. She’s also not telling me what’s specifically setting her off. Right now she’s so reactive, but still so closed off, that I don’t know how to navigate the situation. To make it even more difficult she’s also very back and forth and will happily start a whole new conversation a few minutes after an argument, so this all keeps happening because she also gets mad if I don’t participate in the conversations. I’ve even told her I’d like for us to take time apart when we’ve argued so things can cool down properly and she’ll pretend not not have heard me say it.
I know I’m not perfect. but I don’t know what I’m doing that warrants such strong responses. If you have any ideas or thought on how I can help her they’d be much appreciated, because nothing I’ve tried has gotten me anywhere. There’s clearly something I’m missing, however if you’re as clueless as I am at this point I’ll take a good method of distracting myself from this for at least two weeks too. Honestly, though, if I could talk to her about nothing but our wallpaper for the rest of the week and it’d be a guaranteed non-argument, I’d take it. Either way, thank you so much for your time! I’m looking forward to your answer, whatever it is.]
First of all, the physical distancing and self-isolation that we’re all being asked to do is a major source of stress. Please do not underestimate the negative effects of stress on the brain. When people experience even a little stress, let alone chronic stress, their executive functioning suffers; they aren’t able to assess situations and make decisions as they normally would. In cognitive function terms, this means that you’re very likely to misuse your functions and display unhealthy function patterns. Remember that it’s much more difficult for people to be their best/normal selves during extraordinarily stressful times.
Second, as ENFJ, I think you should be familiar with the idea of saying/doing things that you don’t really mean in the moments you’re feeling very unhappy or stressed. If you hope for people to understand this about you, then you should offer the same patience and understanding to them. How? Don’t sweat the small stuff. Knowing what is “small” stuff is accomplished through Ni development and learning how to put things in proper big-picture perspective. For example:
There’s no need to pick apart every little thing that bugs you, is there? Not every little thing is meaningful enough to require that level of energy expenditure. If you feel bothered, then allow yourself to feel bothered, but do you always have to act on it impulsively? Maybe vent to a friend instead of going on the defensive.
There’s no need to turn every disagreement into a three-act drama, is there? Not every little disagreement requires resolution; you just believe that it does because you have to process every little negative feeling until you get “closure”. There’s nothing wrong with having negative feelings; once you realize this and give yourself permission to feel bad, you’ll find it easier to let them go, because they’ll leave on their own.
There’s no need to analyze and process every little thing someone says or does, is there? Not everything warrants your attention/action because it’s not about you and therefore none of your business. If your mom is stressed and acting out, is it really about you? No, so why engage? Because you can’t stand being misunderstood? Because you can’t stand being criticized/scolded? If so, these are your issues to work out.
When you put things into the right big-picture perspective, your expectations adjust properly to the reality at hand (i.e. proper Ni-Se balance), which means that you’re a lot less likely to set yourself up for conflict or be the inadvertent cause of conflict.
Third, you fail to understand P vs J differences. ESFPs are “easy come, easy go” people, which means that it’s easy for them to move on without resolving negative situations. If you need to “resolve” everything that they say or do, then YOU are going to be the one creating the conflict by harping on things that don’t need to be given more than a second’s worth of thought. Whatever an ESFP feels in the moment will determine how they behave (Se-Fi), but their feelings may change moment to moment, so why would you focus on what they did in the previous moment when they are perfectly fine in this moment? It makes no sense to them to do this. But you do this because you have unspoken expectations about how people should always behave according to your image of them, and you make the implicit assumption that every little thing someone says/does is indicative of their moral character when it’s not (common NF missteps).
In other words, you have no notion about the randomness of people and therefore cannot accept the fact that there is not always a rhyme and reason that helps you “figure someone out”. Sometimes people disagree simply because they see things totally differently. Why not just let it be? Why try to MAKE the other person see it your way? Because you’re not able to put things into a big-picture perspective, so, in the grip of Ti confusion, you try to “make sense” of things by imposing “order” on something that doesn’t require it - this is an unhealthy J tendency. If the other person is willing to let something go, why can’t you? To use Se properly is to know when it’s time to move on and let go (hence, “easygoing”). But ENFJs often misuse Se to search desperately for “facts” and “details” when they can’t move on and want to justify “overanalyzing” something, which traps them in Fe-Se loop that eventually descends into Ti grip negativity. It’s something to be aware of, if you care about your personal development.
Lastly, in times of stress, relationships are much more likely to get strained. People are more likely to be ill-tempered when they feel closed in, crowded, and unable to find an outlet for their extraverted needs. Be more forgiving and show more compassion, both for yourself and others, when conflicts arise. This will allow you to keep moving forward instead of always getting hung up on inconsequential conflict or self-created dramas.
On a personal note, I would like to thank you for continuing to work under dangerous circumstances, and for being responsible in taking the pandemic seriously. I really wish that society did not take service workers for granted. If anything, this pandemic should teach people how essential they are to the economy and compensate them better. Stay safe and care for yourself well.
Is it possible for someone to have an underdeveloped dominant function? I ask this because after a lot of reflection as well as looking my life patterns, I believe I am an ENFJ. However, my fe seems to be rather poor for a dominant function. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since childhood. I was also sexually abused as a child and grew up in a dysfunctional environment. I have been emotionally cut off from people (even family members) since my teens years and (1/4)
[con’t: never quite developed my social skills, despite the fact I feel a strong urge to socialize and that I used to be quite social and active as a child. I often feel bitter, numb, incompetent and lonely. People have told me I am too blunt, critical and hard to get to know. I don’t have much trouble initiating relationships but can’t keep them for long. Sometimes I have some aspirations that I obsessively try to implement in my life but no matter how hard I work towards them I still feel empty and any minor setback I interpret as sign to give up. I am incapable of moving on or taking decisive action. Whenever I feel like a failure I turn to binge watching, excessive food and reckless sexual activities. I am too self-contained and withdrawn and get stuck trying to find a way out of this emotional hell to no avail. I don’t like being so introspective and I feel restless if I don’t engage enough with the world. Is my behavior out of character for an unhealthy ENFJ? Or have I completely mistyped myself? Thanks for your time and any input will be appreciated.]
The Type Development Guide includes info about chronic inferior grip and stunted ego development due to early childhood trauma. Inferior grip means having an unhealthy dominant function and thus poor self-awareness (i.e. you don’t really know yourself), which makes it impossible to use any of the functions properly. I can confirm that your self-description fits comfortably within the range of characteristics and behaviors that are expected for an unhealthy enfj functional stack. However, due to poor self-awareness, self-typing is difficult, and 100% certainty about your type might not be possible until you get out of inferior grip and get to a more normal cognitive state.
The key sentence I see is: “I don’t have much trouble initiating relationships but can’t keep them for long.“ If you want to have good relationships, it is important to properly understand the obstacles and problems you encounter in order to know how to remove or resolve them. The first step is perhaps to deal with your past trauma and move forward from it. You’ve experienced a very negative past and maybe it’s a good idea to work it out in therapy if possible. It’s typical that experiencing early traumas makes a person defensive because they learned early on to use defense mechanisms to protect themselves from harm. However, if you keep reflexively calling up those defenses in your present relationships, you basically keep reliving your old traumas again and again. To get out of this mental repetition requires that you build awareness of your triggers, defenses, and dysfunctional cognitive patterns, and therapy should help with that.
Hello, I hope you are well. I'm an ENTJ, and I have two questions I wish to ask you. Q1. Nearly everybody tells me I'm uptight all the time. They keep asking me to 'relax' or 'calm down' and stop being so 'tense' and 'breathe' when I actually am 'relaxed' and 'calm' etc. It frustrates me when they say that. I'm also afraid I might look incompetent because I appear 'tensed'. How can I deal with this? I can't exactly change how I appear to people. [Part 1 / 2.]
[con’t: I’m also a perfectionist and get a lot of hate at work; snobbish, annoying get thrown around a lot. I don’t like to delegate because I want things done right, so I try to do everything. People laugh at me because I get upset about ‘little things’, play pranks on me; well, things have to be perfect for me, so screw you, but I still feel embarrassed. I feel like I never left high school, that I’m ‘uncool’. I can’t exactly ‘dial down’ my work ethic, so what can be done? Thanks.]
One defining characteristic of inferior Fi is that Te doms are often completely out of touch with their feelings due to constant repression. But having little to no conscious awareness of feelings doesn’t mean that they aren’t still there and influencing you from the unconscious mind. When people are giving you feedback about how you feel, they are probably reflecting back to you the truth, though you can’t see it and perhaps don’t want to admit it. You wouldn’t feel embarrassed if there wasn’t any truth in their criticisms.
You’ve managed to convince yourself that your perfectionism is a good thing, probably because it gets you “good tangible results”. But I wonder what would happen if you were to just “stop”, e.g., delegate everything, stop fussing, stop fixing, stop managing, stop perfecting, stop planning? Can you stop? If you honestly tell me that you are able to stop and are completely fine with letting things be as they are, then I’d be more inclined to believe that your perfectionism isn’t unhealthy. But if, deep down, the truth is that you aren’t able to stop even if you wanted to, then you’ve got what is essentially an addiction. Perfectionism is compulsive behavior. It is a fact that perfectionists are driven by (unconscious) fear and insecurity that is reflected through controlling behavior, and that is what people pick up on emotionally.
Fi types often make excuses for their flaws by saying something like “that’s just who I am” as a means to shut down criticism and silence the need for change. And you’ve essentially said that being a perfectionist is just who you are. Regardless of what I or others say, you know the truth about yourself, but only if you are willing to reflect honestly. Are you capable of deep insight into yourself? It’s very easy to claim “this is just who I am”, but it’s a lot harder to dig deeper and be honest in asking yourself “what really motivates my perfectionism?”, “why am I like this?”, and “why must I control everything all the time?”
It’s very easy to say “screw you”; it’s almost a cliche that ENTJs don’t give a shit what people think (yet the truth is that they are deeply paranoid about people). However, in terms of personal development, the easy road is usually the wrong road. This seems counter-intuitive because perfectionism isn’t usually “easy” since it’s hard work, at least for most people. However, perfectionism is actually the easy path for ENTJs. They create challenges for themselves and then achieve an immediate high from vanquishing them. Maintaining this pattern allows Te-Se to feel a constant yet superficial sense of pride and self-satisfaction. However, ENTJs in Se loop don’t realize that perfectionism is a dead end. It is a very shiny and tempting road because, at every stop along the way, you receive “good tangible results” that only seem to confirm your greatness and excellence, which feeds an egotistical attitude. People are able to rationalize away problematic behavior when they feel rewarded for it.
But if you zoom out and look at the bigger picture, you’ll see that the shiny road is actually a hamster wheel. Every time you run a successful few laps, you obtain a delicious food pellet. People gotta eat, it’s true, so they keep running. Eventually, with your love of running, you’ll accumulate a big pile of food pellets, bigger than anyone’s, enough to last you a lifetime. Yet, for some strange reason, you still keep running to make the pile bigger. And, one day, years and years of overdoing the running will catch up with your physical health and you’ll be forced to wonder why you never genuinely felt fulfilled despite all the hard work you put in. The truth is, you never understood the real reason you kept running even when you didn’t need to, because you never stopped to think about it, because you assumed everything was fine as long as you could watch the food pile grow. Perhaps your embarrassment is actually an inkling of self-doubt about whether you’ve got it wrong somehow, that perhaps your devotion to the hamster wheel isn’t the shiny road it first appeared to be?
I don’t believe your friends are mocking you out of malice, though their pranks might seem mean sometimes. I think it’s more likely that their criticisms of you become more and more intense because they fall upon deaf ears or run up against your “screw you” wall. Perhaps you believe you’re being mocked for having “high standards”, perhaps like many ENTJs you assume that people are just jealous because you make them look bad, so you think everyone is wanting you to “dial down” or give up your work ethic for selfish reasons. If people really care about you, they’re giving you feedback out of concern, even if they don’t express it perfectly. IMO, their point seems to be that, although work is indeed important, there are also other equally important things in life that one should care about, and perhaps they are trying to call your attention to those things because you have demonstrated blindness to them - something to reflect on. When you keep getting the same feedback over and over, ever louder and louder, it’s a good idea to listen to it before it becomes so loud that it knocks you out. The only reason I say this is out of concern since I have no particular reason to care about how you live your life. I’ve seen firsthand ENTJs who’ve been knocked out in middle age and it’s not a pretty place to be. It’s not a good feeling to reflect back on your life and wonder what it was all for.
ENFJ w/ ENFP brother. Thank you for answering my question. I think you misread or read into things, like assuming I was meddling, when my Aunt reached out to me w/ her concerns. It wasn't prompted by me. Also, I've always been my brother's cheerleader, sending him random encouraging texts throughout his college experience and after. Cheerleading alone didn't get him the outcome he desired, and it's hard to see him or anyone else suffer and not do anything-especially when I've been prompted.
I debated whether to respond because your message was defensive and really missed the point. I will respond once more out of sympathy, but this will be the last time unless there is an obvious effort to overcome the defensiveness. Your focus is misdirected. You ask me for “immediate solutions” to your brother’s problem and resent what is said about your part; however, you are unable to articulate what the source of his problem is, and how can you solve a problem when you don’t know the cause? My contention is that you don’t understand his problem because you are unable to understand his perspective, otherwise, you would be able to help (and I stated that I believe your intention is to help though you chose the wrong methods).
Is it or is it not true that he has no confidence in you and thus won’t listen to you? The point you’ve missed is that it doesn’t matter how great your or my ideas are, they are completely useless if the poor state of the relationship does not allow you to communicate ideas with him. Therefore, the first problem that needs solving is not the job search but your relationship to him, specifically, why it is so broken that communication has ceased. Relationships are a two-way street. You point the finger at him as having the problem rather than looking at why the two of you have a problem. If you are unwilling to reflect on how you contribute to the dysfunctional relationship and want to pin all the blame on him for “misinterpreting” you, then stop reading now, because then we fundamentally disagree about the facts of the problem. I was outlining common Fe vs Fi issues so that you could reflect upon possible dysfunctional patterns in your relationship with your brother, nothing more, nothing less. You mistook it as “blame” and became defensive. My response hasn’t substantially changed:
Your aunt reached out to you with her concerns about him. Are you suggesting that this gives you license to involve yourself in their relationship despite the fact that it is none of your business and he won’t listen to you (i.e. you are unable to offer a useful solution)? Are you aware that you always have a choice to stay out of a situation when you don’t know what to do? Are you aware that you could cause unintentional harm when you try to help without having all the facts (and thus appear to be siding against him or ganging up on him)?
You state that you don’t think of anyone as being “broken” and have been nothing but a “cheerleader” to your brother. Are you rewriting history to conceal your missteps (something Se loop+Ti grip often does)? Why then does he react so negatively to your “help”? Why then does he explicitly have to tell you to stop it with your “unsolicited advice”? Why then does he feel compelled to “prove you wrong” about him? Are you suggesting that the problem lies entirely with him and his inability to understand you? Are you suggesting that he’s making you into an enemy without any provocation whatsoever, i.e., that he is entirely at fault for the breakdown in this relationship?
You say that you understand some people don’t like to ask for help but that you are always receptive to help when offered. Are you suggesting that, if this is true for you, then it should also be true for him, or everyone for that matter? Are you suggesting that because your brother is not receptive to YOUR brand of help, then he is not receptive to ANY help?
You said you gave him suggestions that “play to his strengths” and you don’t understand how it could be misinterpreted as negative. Did he ask you for suggestions? Did he express to you that he wanted your “random encouragement”? If not, why are you giving unsolicited advice/comments, especially when he has explicitly stated that he does not want it?
You said that your advice to get a temporary job was “meant to imply that you have faith in him”, even though I explained to you in detail why this kind of “fixing” advice is destructive to FPs and directly undermines your stated goal (of letting him know that he can move at his own pace). Are you suggesting that there is no need to reflect on how your communication is received because your “intent” is the only thing that matters and people should “just know” exactly what you are “implying”?
You asked me to let you know if your “Ti is off”. You should use Fe, not Ti, to feel people’s feelings and understand them. From exercising healthy Fe empathy, you will be far better situated to know what he really needs (as opposed to guessing, making blind assumptions, or projecting from your own expectations). Ti, especially the lower Ti style of “dissecting and defending”, does not help because it usually serves to worsen ENFJ personality problems, such as: trouble empathizing, egocentric perspective, hypercritical me vs them attitude, self-victimizing rumination, oversensitivity to criticism, miscalculation of cause and effect, misdirection of blame. Misusing Ti such that it shuts down proper Fe use is the wrong direction to go in.
You’re essentially wanting me to look at him without looking at you, which I believe is useless when your dysfunctional relationship is the biggest obstacle at present. I will speak in the abstract if it is less threatening:
If an ENFJ often suffers from: Fe insecurity that takes everything too personally and doesn’t know how to draw appropriate relationship boundaries, Ni presumptuousness/arrogance that is resistant to deep self-reflection, Se loop twisting of facts and overreaction to negativity, and/or unnecessary Ti grip defensiveness and blame, then the ENFJ is NOT in a good position to provide an ENFP the kind of unconditionally supportive emotional environment that they require to practice self-care and nurture Fi development.
One cannot be helpful without getting a good idea of where the other person is coming from, and one cannot know another’s perspective when their own issues are constantly getting in the way. Whether you suffer from these common ENFJ problems is your job to reflect on; whether these common ENFJ problems create obstacles in your relationships is your job to reflect on - I have absolutely no interest in making these judgments for you or about you. You don’t seem to know that Se loop is negative, you mention “Ti loop” instead of Ti grip - misusing terminology makes your knowledge of function theory appear quite lacking. Fear of brokenness is an unconscious low Ti related fear that makes ENFJs want to defend and deflect blame when criticized rather than reflect constructively on how they can improve (i.e. resistance to Ni and Ti development). Suffering from Se loop and Ti grip directly interfere with the empathic Fe objectivity that ENFJs require to resolve relationship problems effectively.
He needs to develop Fi in order to grow, but you’ve shown that you don’t understand Fi, and worse, your tone-deaf Fe-Ti often offends his Fi-Te, so how can you help him with his Fi development? I reiterate these problems: You don’t display enough empathy for his feelings nor deep understanding of his perspective; you suggest “fixes” before you’ve even understood what his problem really is; you shoot ideas/comments at him without knowing how they make him feel; you give him the form of help that YOU believe he should need or that YOU should want if you were in his position (but he’s not you). Are you aware that these behaviors, even when well-intentioned, are counter-productive to building a good relationship between FJs and FPs? Be brutally honest, do you learn mbti to increase your respect for how others think quite differently than you, or do you only learn it as a means to “manage people” into doing what you believe they should do? Are you prepared to reflect on yourself and change any problematic behaviors in an effort to repair the relationship with him so that he might be more open to receiving your help? If you believe that you have no reason to change anything and you should both just be responsible to yourselves and leave it at that, then ignore this entire message.
I don’t hand out short-term bandaids. The long-term solution is to mend your relationship, which means that you must listen to him with genuine openness and empathy - no judgment, no opinions, no blame, no advice, no suggestions, no fixes, no management, no overstepping boundaries - the way forward will naturally present itself when he trusts you enough to open up about his problem and talk about it authentically and explore ideas in a safe space. You can’t force trust, you have to earn it, so what have you done to earn his trust? Maybe the relationship is so broken that he won’t trust you no matter what you do, but there is no way for me to judge that matter, only he can tell you. Perhaps he has too many problems of his own to bother with you. The point is that you’re not able to pinpoint exactly what the problem is between you because you don’t have his perspective.
If you genuinely wanted to get at the truth of your relationship problem, it wouldn’t be very difficult to ask for his side of the story and, without rushing to judge or defend, LISTEN to how he has been impacted by your behavior toward him, then you would know exactly what needs to be changed in order for him to start taking you seriously, then you’d at least know where to begin and have a chance to consider all your options. Are you able to approach him with genuine humility and openness, such as: “I feel sad about our distant relationship. Have I done something to push you away? Have I done something wrong? Is there something I can do to repair the relationship? Is there something you believe I should change in order for us to get along better? How can I support you better?” Are you able to listen to his truth and respond maturely to it? If not, how can he trust you and how can you help him?
