Anon wrote: Hi mbti-notes, thank you for this space you have created with such important information! I am an ENTJ in major burnout and am hoping for some advices.
I realized a few days ago that my internal motivator is quite critical and toxic and has been since I was a child. I push myself with thoughts about how I can’t fall behind or I will be worthless and lazy. When I accomplish something, my motivator immediately finds new ways I am behind new targets. I know this is what led to my burnout, which has lasted almost a month now. I feel a rebellious sense of not doing anything the toxic motivator says which feels very good but also means I am avoiding and delaying things I eventually must do.
I have been spending time only doing things that feel good or meet my needs like eating well and walking in nature when I have a spontaneous desire to do so. This has been great but is not sustainable. I feel I need a positive and kind motivator to replace the current one but just saying nice things has not changed the defiant response in me. How do I find a kind way to get myself to do things I don’t want to do but still need to do? I feel like a child lately. Thank you so much
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I don't know if it's comforting but what you've described is a fairly typical expression of Se loop (pushing yourself as though racing on a hamster wheel) and Fi grip (self-indulgence). Burnout is often the logical conclusion to long-term Se loop.
Chronic tertiary loop indicates a long running problem with auxiliary function development. Please see the study guides for more detail about type development. It is through proper Ni development that ENTJs find the right direction in life. Without healthy Ni, ENTJs tend to be motivated by the wrong things and then end up feeling unfulfilled even when they achieve their goals.
In the shorter term, the best strategy is to establish better work-life balance. You are a human being, with human limitations. Time and energy are finite resources, so you have to learn to spend them more wisely. It's analogous to budgeting your finances. There are necessary expenses versus discretionary spending. You have to be able to tell the difference between needs and wants. You have to be realistic about whether all your wants can or should be fulfilled. You have to prioritize and plan well in order to live within your means.
From the perspective of longer term type development, your instinct is correct in informing you that you need to find "a positive and kind motivator". Ni is about discovering your personal purpose, which leads you to live life more meaningfully. Without Ni, Te+Se leads to your actions feeling inexplicably empty, as though you are just doing things for the sake of doing or just doing what everyone else does. It means you have a weak sense of self, living life like a machine that was programmed by someone else.
Weak sense of self is often correlated with self-worth issues. It sounds like you need to rethink the criteria/standards that you use to measure your self-worth, otherwise, you will always feel at the mercy of forces beyond your control. If you truly want to be the master of your own life, you need a stronger sense of self. To build a stronger sense of self requires you to muster courage to change your life for the better, especially through being more willing to explore less conventional paths.
Essentially, you need to build a healthy personal life from which to imbue meaning into all of your activities. Without allowing yourself time and space to explore, away from the daily grind, how are you meant to find out what exactly it is you are meant to do in this world? This is a (spiritual) journey into the subjective. Nobody can or should tell you what the correct path FOR YOU is. It's something you have to discover through the process of digging deeper into your personal hopes and dreams (Ni) and getting to know who you really are (Fi).
An explaination on Fi grip in MBTI. Not an expert. May change later.
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Grips occur when a type is under an immense amount of stress. Their other functions give up mentally and "shut down", which allows their inferior function to take over. A type in the grip begins to act like the unhealthy version of their inferior function, very unlike and opposite of themselves. Grips can last for a short while or longer, depending on how long the stress persists.
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Fi inferior (ExTJ)
Fi inferior types do not allow their personal values and morals to get in the way of decision making. This may make them appear cold and heartless. In reality, they are not (at least well developed ExTJs); they just want to make the best decision that works for themselves and everyone else.
When in an Fi grip, they can become overly sensitive and pitiful. Often driven and confident individuals, their motivation begins to stagger and drop. They start to believe they are not good enough and do not want to try to do anything anymore because they don't see the point. They feel aimless and pessimistic about everything. They may try to cover their sadness with anger as an attempt to appear strong, but it rarely works well.
Te doms in a grip should try to use their aux perceiving function (Ni for ENTJ, Si for ESTJ) to help get out of it. For Ni, strategize new plans and goals to get themselves motivated to reach goals. For Si, ESTJs should tend to their inner needs, learn to balance their personal health and external demands. They've likely fallen into the grip in the first place by failing to achieve most of their goals. They can write down their feelings just to get it out of them and if they can, analyze and figure out a solution that can help them get better. It helps to gain insight and advice from others as well.
Anon wrote: Hi, ENTJ, I wanted to ask about 1)what is the value of culture from 2)why is culture so important to people? I ask because I've noticed that people have very high regard for the fact someone knows a lot movies/art/literature. For some huge asset to a potential friendship/relationship is the fact someone is culturally knowledgeable. I often dont understand what this culture gives them that is so valuable, I dont see that either they have a more developed perspective about the world/themselves.
I feel a sad sense of alienation here. That I may be inferior to some. I enjoy watching movies, but for example philosophy, psychology, sauna, sports, social gatherings give me more joy and I feel they develop me more. I would like to better understand why some people look at me worse (at least I have this impression) because I am not a man of culture It makes me wonder if the lack of understanding of this topic is more due to my blindspots or someone else's blindspots, or maybe it's both.
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Your question is far too general and beyond the scope of this blog. If you want to learn more about culture, google can help you and many books have been written on the topic. It can't be easily summarized into a few bullet points. Culture is an exceptionally broad subject and exceptionally complex because it encompasses so much more than music, art, and literature. The things you are interested in are also included under the banner of "culture". Thus, the problem of you feeling separate isn't just a matter of culture.
Allow me to zoom in on a few lines that stood out as significant:
"I dont see that either they have a more developed perspective about the world/themselves."
"I feel a sad sense of alienation here. That I may be inferior to some."
"[My interests] give me more joy and I feel they develop me more."
It sounds like you've got some underlying self-esteem issues to work through. Alienation is a painful emotion, but if that's the only reason you're asking the question, it would constitute a negative motivation for self-improvement.
As a general note, self-improvement can't just be about eliminating uncomfortable feelings and emotions, though they might serve as the initial catalyst. Self-improvement has to be motivated by a strong positive desire to learn more, to be wiser, and to grow into a fuller version of yourself. If you're being completely honest: Are you genuinely interested in the topic of "culture" for its own sake, or are you just wanting to use the information to manipulate situations for egotistical gain? Beware that approaching self-improvement with a (unconsciously) negative motivation makes it more likely that you incur negative results.
In terms of psychological development, the divide you feel from people is largely attributable to two factors:
Factor #1 is Ni+Fi Development Issues: When ENTJs haven't developed enough awareness of Ni+Fi, they tend to experience problems with misinterpreting(Ni)+misjudging(Fi) people and social situations. As an adult, you have a significant degree of control over how your functions develop, so these problems can be remedied. Some issues that might need addressing:
It's possible that making the concept of "culture" into the culprit is an unconscious attempt to keep the problem abstract and distract from the deeper issue of why you suffer from alienation so easily. In essence, frequent experiences of alienation might be a symptom of Fi grip and you are trying to rationalize it away rather than confront your feelings and emotions directly.
Your understanding of "development" is flawed because you can only understand it through an oversimplified and problematic framework of superiority/inferiority, when healthy Fi should teach you that everyone is unconditionally entitled to their private preferences and personal interests. As a result, in defense of a wounded ego, you can't help but try to re-exert your sense of superiority whenever you feel judged. Knee-jerk defensiveness is an obstacle to personal growth.
This brings me to an important question that requires clarification: What is your ultimate goal here? Do you want to fit in socially or don't you? Your thinking/behavior is contradictory on this point, which is usually indicative of a developmental struggle.
On one hand, you insist on reducing everything into the superiority/inferiority dichotomy, which is a form of self-inflicted separation from others.
On the other hand, you then lament the fact that you don't feel accepted by others.
Well, which is more important to you, feeling superior or feeling accepted? You can't have it both ways. There's not much more for me to say if you are unable to make a decision and stand by it.
Factor #2 is Absence of Fe: Fe is the function best suited to understanding the concept of culture. Every functional stack has its most glaring blind spot. For Te doms, it is Fe, so you're not wrong to suspect the possibility. Obviously, absence of Fe in your stack is not your fault.
What does Fe teach all of us? One reason culture is important is because it is the backbone of your identity, both on a personal and social level:
When you are unaware of how culture has played a major role in making you the person you are today, you are likely to suffer from a weak sense of self and feel as though you don't have any rootedness or grounding in the social world.
When you are unaware of how culture influences your relationship dynamics and shapes the interactions you have with people, you are likely to run into recurring socializing problems, such as not being able to find common ground on which to build a strong foundation for meaningful connection.
Within any larger culture, there are numerous subcultures, which means there is space for everyone to find the cultural interests that most appeal to them and allow them to express who they really are out into the world. If you truly want to fit in better, it would be a good idea to nurture open-mindedness to all the different aspects of culture that move and touch people. Only then would you be able to relate to a greater variety of people and not just those who most resemble you. If you hope for people to understand you and connect with you better through your interests, be the first to do it for them. Reciprocity is a necessary ingredient for healthy relationships.
The main point is that culture should not be about feeling superior or inferior. "Gatekeeping" culture in this way divides people and increases feelings of alienation on a larger scale. While you can learn to stop gatekeeping, you can't stop others from gatekeeping. But you always have the choice to rise above and remember the lessons of Fi to live and let live and the lessons of Fe to approach people with a greater sense of equality and inclusivity, rather than always allow a fragile ego to get baited into the gatekeeping game.
Culture includes all the ways in which human beings express themselves, including physically, artistically, intellectually, and spiritually. Culture includes all the ways in which people preserve the best aspects of human experience. Culture is about what makes you who you are, what connects you to the people around you, what roles you take on in society, what bonds and unites people socially, and what affirms the humanity in all of us.
Learning about the Fe approach to culture, does the blind spot become more clear to you?
Anon wrote: With reference to this post. Thanks for your response.
My type is ESTJ. I had problem (before knowing MBTI) that, if I am not fitting into expected standard, even if due to some cause which is beyond my control, I used to feel low or blame myself rather than putting my case in front of others. So either I used to push myself to follow expected standard in group or I used to react and play rebel against authority. I have to say, I was suffering from toxic shame. I totally get your point, if I have certain genuine problem, I need to put it to right people honestly.
One more question, how to build bridge back with people. I know it's hard to answer but do you see this happening? Like someone who burnt bridge, do people accept them back? I will rather understand if this does not happen. It was situational so can not help but if there is any way you suggest, I would like to know.
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The only person who can answer your question is the person you're seeking to reconnect/reconcile with.
Many people opt to distract themselves from the past because they aren't brave enough to confront it. With enough time, memories fade and old feelings get buried by new experiences. However, leaving negative feelings unresolved and lingering in the unconscious means they have the potential to rise up and trigger inferior grip problems in the future.
Would you prefer to sit back and allow time to turn the page for you? Or would you prefer to confront what happened head on and put an end to your rumination for good? I'm not saying one choice is better than the other; you must weigh the pros/cons yourself. But only the latter path leads to a sense of closure and it also challenges you to remedy your toxic shame.
Generally speaking, the best anyone can do to make up for the past is: be authentic and humble; be fully transparent in explaining what happened; own up to mistakes; offer a sincere apology as necessary; make up for any hurt/harm that was caused; ask for forgiveness; request another chance at the relationship (if that's what you want). Whether they give you another chance is out of your control; everyone has their own way of making these decisions.
No matter what they choose to do, as long as you've put your best effort into righting the past, you'll feel more at peace. By taking control of the situation to obtain closure (thus restoring Te), you turn the page with your own hand and can then move forward to the next chapter of your life, armed with important lessons that better situate you to have healthier relationships in the future.
Anon wrote: Hi, I got to know about mbti during lockdown. I have done extensive research since then. I am trying to improve myself. I am Te dom and hence my feeling function development was very poor. I wasn't self aware at all. Due to this, I have lost many relationships, lost many opportunities and put myself in unnecessary emotional turmoil in some situations.
Now, after reading about functions, I could get some explanations to my behaviour earlier like how and where I was wrong. I could guess type for few people who were close to me and could get some insights like how some relationships came to an end due to type mismatch and no understanding towards other person.
Though I have understood now, all these failures from past still haunts me. I have really lost few relationship where I could now see I have done some injustice to other person, may be my behaviour triggered some resentment towards me and then he did some unjustice to me and ultimately it ended and we are in no contact anymore. Our paths are separated. I don't have any way to tell him that I have understood how it went wrong and my mistake in it.
I feel like I'm horrible person and feel very much at loss. Logically, I know that if I'm working on self improvement, I will be better person ultimately and there would be good things coming my way in relationship, career etc but I am unable to move over past. Would like to hear from you what should I do in this situation and invest my energy in some fruitful things rather than rumination. Thanks!
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You seem to be describing Fi grip. If one is a normal, responsible adult, it is only natural to regret serious errors in judgment or feel guilty for behavior that has caused pain and suffering. Having a conscience and listening to it is a good sign of moral development.
However, there is such thing as irrational or excessive guilt, shame, regret, or remorse. Yours is bordering on irrational. Humans aren't born knowing everything there is to know. You can't go through life without making mistakes. You can't live life without experiencing pain and suffering. These are the facts.
One's sense of responsibility should be reasonable and proportionate to the circumstances. You should be judging your behavior based on what you knew at the time. If we were all to judge ourselves based on the benefits of 20/20 hindsight, we would all be living in a private hell of self-flagellation.
"Blame" is about moral condemnation and eliciting remorse. You are essentially labeling yourself morally bankrupt because you didn't know any better at the time. That's not how moral judgment should work. Blame should only be assigned when you know full well that something is wrong but you make a conscious choice to do it anyway. When that happens, then you certainly have something to atone for, if you hope to redeem your moral character. Was that the case in your past, though?
It is a sign of low ego development when blame is the only method you possess for handling mistakes. Whether you blame yourself and/or others, it is always counter-productive for personal growth. Wanting to improve yourself just because you want to assuage your self-loathing or guilt will not lead you in the right direction. Type development must begin from a healthy psychological place:
1) You must appreciate your humanity. Accept that you have flaws, weaknesses, and limitations. Proper Te development would encourage you to accept the facts and move forward from there. Your humanity isn't a bug but a feature. It is the vehicle of personal growth. Without your humanity, you wouldn't make mistakes, and without your humanity, you wouldn't learn from them. Accept that life is about learning and growing, then you will have the right perspective on mistakes. Proper Si development would tell you that everything you experience is essential for making you who you are, both the good and the bad.
2) You must have empathy and love in your heart. Proper Fi development would encourage you to show compassion for yourself, for the mistakes that you unwittingly make out of ignorance. You must be fair-minded when evaluating your moral culpability so that your guilt is reasonable and doesn't preclude you from forgiving yourself. Most importantly, you must live a life of integrity in terms of being fully honest with yourself about what motivates your behavior. To truly make amends or atone for mistakes, you can't be motivated merely by ego dramas and insecurities, rather, you should be motivated by a genuine hope to serve everyone's well-being.
As an ENTJ, I have always been confident, cocky, smart and social. Spending time with other people was the the thing which gave me energy. However, having some physical insecurities and understanding that some people are not just worth my time, I have become more introverted. Under pressure and stress, I am losing the control I crave. In the situations like this with ENTJs, is there any strategies to reverse my confidence back? And is this happening because of Fi?
Some of these details are very vague, which is unhelpful for determining the exact cause(s). It could be the precipice of Fi grip, which is usually brought about by Ni and Se development issues, of course easily exacerbated by environmental stress. The first thing to do is to reduce and manage the environmental stress better so that you have more space to breathe and find your bearings. Once some psychological equilibrium has returned, you should reflect on how you got into this situation, how to resolve the issues that produced/caused this situation, and correct any maladaptive thinking or dysfunctional behaviors that led you into this situation (i.e. take personal responsibility). This requires developing the Te and Ni functions, consult the Type Development Guide.
