Grips occur when a type is under an immense amount of stress. Their other functions give up mentally and "shut down", which allows their inferior function to take over. A type in the grip begins to act like the unhealthy version of their inferior function, very unlike and opposite of themselves. Grips can last for a short while or longer, depending on how long the stress persists.
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Inferior Ti: ExFJs
Inferior Ti types may have a hard time explaining their own decisions and reasonings. They know what they want to say but don't know how to say it. Logical deduction and such can be confusing to them, so they may not feel "smart" compared to types with a better use of Ti (or thinking functions in general). They may be overly critical of themselves and feel self conscious.
In the grip, Fe doms may lose hope in humanity. They may start to lack in feeling empathy/sympathy for others, overall just passive about people. Fe makes choices based on what they think would bring social harmony and for everyone's benefit. In a Ti grip, they "lose" this ability and try too hard to seek for the most truthful and logical answer. They overthink and over analyze.
Fe types should learn how to deal with criticism better. Know it's okay to have disagreements - everyone has different opinions and beliefs, you can't control that. Learn to take the time to sort and think through problems. Take time to care for themselves, make sure their own needs are being met rather than worrying how everyone else is doing (often an Fe dom problem).
Hi :) I hope you're well! I am having a bit of a hard time figuring out whether I'm looping or gripping. I know that whatever I'm doing is unhealthy atm, and also Ti is over actively involved. If possible, I'd love to hear your insight! [...] I appreciate you responding to my different questions :) each time I sit down to type out a question, I tell myself to be short and sweet. Yet somehow, I manage to make each submission longer every time! Thank you for your patience. Your insight means a lot to me and is very helpful as it gets me to consider other possibilities. Take care!
I think you are a 2, and an ENFJ, and yes, you are in a grip, which is why you have lost access to your higher functions. You don't know what to do with your life, you can't see what lies ahead, you are scared of committing to something and having it be out of your control (like another pandemic ruining your plans), and yet... your deepest desire is still to connect to people, to be more than an empty shell listening to them who knows what they need to hear and says it, even if you feel nothing. That makes you feel guilty, which is an EFJ trait. I should be more than this; even at my worst, I need to be there for my family and friends on a deep emotional level.
Okay, so... unproductive thinking is common in inferior Ti's and 2s (in many instances, because EFJs are 2s ;), which means... right now, you are doing a lot of unproductive thinking that is drawing you away from reconnecting to your loved ones and your Ni. Why? You are pointlessly analyzing things, second-guessing yourself, and trying too hard to make a vision come to you, without having Ni present and in working order. What is your unproductive thinking? My next decision is a make-it-or-break it package deal; I have to decide my future FOREVER. No, you don't. If you get into something, and hate it, or it doesn't work, you can open another door and walk through it. The act of doing forces you to reconnect to the outer world, which will help you reconnect to your ideas about how you want your life to be.
Pandemic fatigue is a real thing, as is the fear it has installed in people about life being uncertain and unpredictable. Most of the time, we are happily oblivious to this and confident that our little plans will unfold just right. Control is an illusion. I don't say that to scare you, but to help you see that any decision you make right now doesn't have to be "for forever." Stop thinking of choosing a career as a potential death sentence for your soul, and remind yourself of all the times your intuition has led you to the right places at the right time. You are tired and gripping because you don't know what to do, so ... choose something. If you wind up only doing it for six months, as you have done before, at least you TRIED it. You now know that it isn't for you. It gives you experiences, which teaches you about yourself.
Don't try to force yourself to see ahead right now; relax and ease into living. Stop trying to think about a career. Slow down. Take some time to pamper yourself. Reconnect yourself with your body, through doing physical activities. Reconnect yourself to your friends, by truly listening to them and interacting with them -- and talking about what you feel right now. Stop bottling up your feelings and communicate with them your needs and frustrations and fears. You are not there to listen to their woes and offer moral support; that goes both ways. I have a feeling airing all of these frustrations and fears to someone who will be receptive is going to help snap you out of it, because it will get your emotions out of your head and into the air -- where you can hear yourself talking. That often makes our thoughts and fears sound less threatening (and sometimes more ridiculous) than they feel inside us. Then come up with a game plan -- by the end of this week, I have to make a decision. Commit to it, and do it. If you get a little into it and shift directions, that's fine. But let your Ni connect to an idea and start to build a dream around it, by finding a path first.
I may send on what you sent me to an ENFJ friend to see if she has any additional advice or life experience to share with you; if she does, I will reblog this post and add it. Please engage in some self-care, talk over your troubles with your friends, and tell yourself to stop analyzing. Trust yourself again.
I'm an ENFJ, and I've always been very emotional and empathetic and all that stuff you'd expect from an ENFJ. But lately I've been having a hard time taking things seriously. Like upon hearing about some unfortunate event or something, I just don't feel anything. I know it's unfortunate and can logically process it and acknowledge that, but I feel almost apathetic about it. I certainly take no pleasure in it, understand...but lately strong emotions aren't registering with me. Any thoughts?
Definitely sounds like a Ti grip. Did anything overwhelmingly emotional happen to you recently? Sometimes, when we are forced to deal with a large influx of emotions, whether all at once or gradually, it can become too much to deal with in ways we normally would and, in my experience at least, it can result in a complete shut down of all emotions, good and bad. It’s kinda like Fe overload. This is usually when I experience gripping. This can function as a form of repression (a type of defence mechanism, but there are others there that may be applicable as well), and can lead to worse issues down the line so kudos to you for recognizing the issue and asking for help.
In a more general sense, grips can also be caused by avoiding developing or properly using your lower functions and over relying on your top function until it eventually fails you. In either case, you’ll need to reassess your situation with an eye towards making Fe+Ni work together to deal with the world.
I’m not entirely sure if this will be helpful to you specifically because I can only speak to my own experiences, but I will attach some links for you to gain some insight into what you may be dealing with and hopefully they are of use to you as well.
For me, the first step is becoming aware of the fact that I do not feel like myself in that I’m not feeling emotions as often or as strongly as I usually would (you have already done this so that’s really good). Second, identify and remove any self-imposed stressors while decreasing situational stressors (if possible) in order to make your environment a safe one for you to begin letting those emotions in again. Third, I highly recommend practicing mindfulness. When gripping, the entire function stack becomes unhealthy, so it’s important to work on indulging them all in healthy ways. After not adeptly dealing with whatever emotions may have been compounding for however long, getting in touch with myself via mindfulness helps me to pay attention and get that Ni going, letting me know what’s going on deep down. Sometimes watching something emotional that you know will make you cry can help jump start Fe in order to let yourself feel an emotion as you normally would.
Throughout this process, it’s also important to pay close attention to looping behaviors so that you don’t start indulging Fe and Se in unhealthy ways.
You said you know when something is unfortunate, but can’t seem to feel the emotion that goes along with that thought. Disparity between these things will only create a further divide mentally, so congruence between thoughts and emotions will help this tremendously.
hi, Enfj (F/27) I hope you are doing well. I was wondering how to work on listening to someone without sharing something about my life that is similar, especially when someone is talking about something difficult. I think I get little phases of really empathizing with other people without getting myself involved as though im really hearing them but a lot of the time I end up sharing something that i think might help them get through whatever they are going through but it just feels as though I'm not making it about them. I can sense a difference between my own responses and one feels as though I've just (internally) made it about me while the other feels right but occurs less. I would appreciate your insight. Thanks in advance!
[con't: just wanted to add a bit more context. When I was younger I would be so emotionally overwhelmed by people's problems and suffering and weighed down by them that they became my problem to fix and would question myself/God existence/the world etc because of peoples suffering. I think I have more boundaries, gone through therapy, and have studied enough psychology/philosophy that have helped but i am also having issues deciding whether those boundaries are good or bad because I'm not feeling enough? Like I mentioned I have these phases of (what feels like) genuine empathy in which the discussion is about then and I feel deep compassion but a lot of the time I'm just listening and sharing experiences but not experiencing compassion. Thanks again and sorry for the disconnected posts.]
If you are ENFJ, this is likely related to Ni development (and lack thereof). It sounds like you enter into social interaction without enough focus, which enables your feelings and emotions to take you for a ride (Fe extreme). Afterward, you only know that things didn't feel right, so you ruminate on it in circles, trying to figure out "the cause" but unable to arrive at the correct conclusion (Ti grip).
Ni development allows you to regain control of yourself through big picture thinking that keeps you attuned to your purpose. Before you begin doing anything, set your intention properly. An intention is used to keep your thinking/behavior aligned with important personal values that you want to honor and express. Be mindful of your intention when interacting with people and use it as a way to refocus and anchor yourself throughout the experience.
I’m hoping to better understand what an ESFJ is and feels like in the Ti grip. I understand that in the grip, they are more critical of others than they usually would be. In such a situation, are they more/less likely to lash out at those they love/hold close to their hearts? I read an earlier post about high age users which mentioned that “Anyone can be emotionally reactive when their expectations are not met.” Would resentment usually stem from someone not meeting their emotional needs?
[con’t: or is it a more detached criticism of e.g. the incompetence of the person? It can be a bit hard to tell, especially with ESFJs finding it hard to process their own feelings at times. The same post says that “Generally speaking, they will not be able to process emotions with you unless they trust you 100% because they do not want to be judged as self-centered or socially unacceptable.” If they do spend the time and energy to process their emotions with you while they are in the grip, is this something that makes them feel vulnerable? How might they feel/react when that person makes them feel selfish for having lashed out or can’t accept/understand their explanation, albeit because of their own hurt feelings and after having tried their hardest to listen and speak to them patiently and honestly? I think this might’ve happened, and I’m trying to understand their perspective.]
Remember that FJs are often wary of their own negative side due to the threat of it being emotionally damaging and/or socially disruptive. Thus, immature FJs have a common habit of suppressing their true feelings to maintain emotional harmony, both for their own mental stability and for the public good, which means that they often downplay/devalue/hide their own perspective, to their own detriment. Therefore, they would of course feel vulnerable to show their negative side to someone, and it would be a sign of trust for them to show it to you. And you would certainly be part of the problem if you made them feel like they don’t have a right to their own feelings. What is your type and your approach to handling negative feelings? Do you believe that people have a right to feel the way that they feel? If not, you're likely to exacerbate the problem for them.
Are you saying that you triggered/angered someone? An important part of helping people is understanding when they are/aren’t ready for your help. If you’ve offended someone, apologize. For FJs, an apology should include reassurance that you care about them and that you want them to feel free to be their true self with you. It’d be much more useful to describe the details of what happened rather than speak about ESFJs in the abstract. Inferior grip episodes are usually triggered by particular stressful situations and/or a combination of underlying (developmental) factors that are unique to the individual. Therefore, without the details, I can’t speak to the cause of the episode, which would be very important to examine (assuming that you do not want to misstep again).
Inferior grip is, by definition, an unstable psychological state, which means that you would do well to never expect someone to behave reasonably in the midst of an episode. Inferior Ti grip is often deceiving to observers, in that there is a certain “calmness” to it due to the person believing that they are being rational in their critical judgments. But the calmness is a razor-thin facade, easily broken as soon as you disagree with them and/or tell them that their train of thought is incoherent. Ti grip is an attempt to process negative/uncomfortable feelings and emotions by oneself, though the person might be venting aloud to you, believing that you are providing a safe space for expression. If you get in the way of their emotional processing, the emotions have to go somewhere, so you could easily become the target or dumping ground, especially if they perceive you as not being “on their side”. And you certainly won’t appear to be on their side if you make them feel selfish simply for having/expressing their feelings.
1. Hi, mbti-notes. I hope you're doing very well! I'm an ENFJ and I live at home with my ESFP mom. I work late shifts as a grocery store clerk, and she's home from work two weeks for the holidays. Because of the coronavirus we'll be around each other a lot and we've already ran into a problem. So far, I've been unable to have a full conversation with her about anything at all. She's suddenly gotten very explosive and defensive and I don't know what to do because of how unpredictable she is.
[con’t: One example is that I said I didn’t want to go buy something I needed at a store because of how likely it is that I’ll contract the virus from work and I don’t want to risk spreading it. She laughed it off and said I could still go, I said I didn’t want to, she repeated that I could, so I said I felt responsible because of my particular situation and that I wanted to take it seriously. This caused her to raise her voice and say she meant to go buy something herself but ”apparently she can’t do that anymore because I won’t let her.” and then she walked out of the room. I didn’t mention her at any point in this and simply explained why I want to stay home as much as I can, so I don’t fully understand where her reaction came from. I even specified that I’m much more exposed to the virus so our situations can’t be compared, but she still got upset.
Then earlier today she told me she’s stopped drinking completely, I chuckled and said well there’s no harm in that at least, and then she got very annoyed because she said I insinuated she used to drink heavily. She’s never been a big drinker and it’s definitely not a sore spot, so I have no clue why she thinks I’d mean it like that. Having to walk on eggshells all the time is draining me and she refuses to have a conversation with me about it so we can work on it together. If I try to ask her about why I’m upsetting her so much she calls it an argument right away and because of that she shuts if down on the basis that it’s “so much better not to fight all the time!”
She’ll sometimes rant about how I’m always attacking her after situations like the two I described, but no matter what I say at any point she wholly refuses to accept that I don’t mean the things I say negatively. She’s also not telling me what’s specifically setting her off. Right now she’s so reactive, but still so closed off, that I don’t know how to navigate the situation. To make it even more difficult she’s also very back and forth and will happily start a whole new conversation a few minutes after an argument, so this all keeps happening because she also gets mad if I don’t participate in the conversations. I’ve even told her I’d like for us to take time apart when we’ve argued so things can cool down properly and she’ll pretend not not have heard me say it.
I know I’m not perfect. but I don’t know what I’m doing that warrants such strong responses. If you have any ideas or thought on how I can help her they’d be much appreciated, because nothing I’ve tried has gotten me anywhere. There’s clearly something I’m missing, however if you’re as clueless as I am at this point I’ll take a good method of distracting myself from this for at least two weeks too. Honestly, though, if I could talk to her about nothing but our wallpaper for the rest of the week and it’d be a guaranteed non-argument, I’d take it. Either way, thank you so much for your time! I’m looking forward to your answer, whatever it is.]
First of all, the physical distancing and self-isolation that we’re all being asked to do is a major source of stress. Please do not underestimate the negative effects of stress on the brain. When people experience even a little stress, let alone chronic stress, their executive functioning suffers; they aren’t able to assess situations and make decisions as they normally would. In cognitive function terms, this means that you’re very likely to misuse your functions and display unhealthy function patterns. Remember that it’s much more difficult for people to be their best/normal selves during extraordinarily stressful times.
Second, as ENFJ, I think you should be familiar with the idea of saying/doing things that you don’t really mean in the moments you’re feeling very unhappy or stressed. If you hope for people to understand this about you, then you should offer the same patience and understanding to them. How? Don’t sweat the small stuff. Knowing what is “small” stuff is accomplished through Ni development and learning how to put things in proper big-picture perspective. For example:
There’s no need to pick apart every little thing that bugs you, is there? Not every little thing is meaningful enough to require that level of energy expenditure. If you feel bothered, then allow yourself to feel bothered, but do you always have to act on it impulsively? Maybe vent to a friend instead of going on the defensive.
There’s no need to turn every disagreement into a three-act drama, is there? Not every little disagreement requires resolution; you just believe that it does because you have to process every little negative feeling until you get “closure”. There’s nothing wrong with having negative feelings; once you realize this and give yourself permission to feel bad, you’ll find it easier to let them go, because they’ll leave on their own.
There’s no need to analyze and process every little thing someone says or does, is there? Not everything warrants your attention/action because it’s not about you and therefore none of your business. If your mom is stressed and acting out, is it really about you? No, so why engage? Because you can’t stand being misunderstood? Because you can’t stand being criticized/scolded? If so, these are your issues to work out.
When you put things into the right big-picture perspective, your expectations adjust properly to the reality at hand (i.e. proper Ni-Se balance), which means that you’re a lot less likely to set yourself up for conflict or be the inadvertent cause of conflict.
Third, you fail to understand P vs J differences. ESFPs are “easy come, easy go” people, which means that it’s easy for them to move on without resolving negative situations. If you need to “resolve” everything that they say or do, then YOU are going to be the one creating the conflict by harping on things that don’t need to be given more than a second’s worth of thought. Whatever an ESFP feels in the moment will determine how they behave (Se-Fi), but their feelings may change moment to moment, so why would you focus on what they did in the previous moment when they are perfectly fine in this moment? It makes no sense to them to do this. But you do this because you have unspoken expectations about how people should always behave according to your image of them, and you make the implicit assumption that every little thing someone says/does is indicative of their moral character when it’s not (common NF missteps).
In other words, you have no notion about the randomness of people and therefore cannot accept the fact that there is not always a rhyme and reason that helps you “figure someone out”. Sometimes people disagree simply because they see things totally differently. Why not just let it be? Why try to MAKE the other person see it your way? Because you’re not able to put things into a big-picture perspective, so, in the grip of Ti confusion, you try to “make sense” of things by imposing “order” on something that doesn’t require it - this is an unhealthy J tendency. If the other person is willing to let something go, why can’t you? To use Se properly is to know when it’s time to move on and let go (hence, “easygoing”). But ENFJs often misuse Se to search desperately for “facts” and “details” when they can’t move on and want to justify “overanalyzing” something, which traps them in Fe-Se loop that eventually descends into Ti grip negativity. It’s something to be aware of, if you care about your personal development.
Lastly, in times of stress, relationships are much more likely to get strained. People are more likely to be ill-tempered when they feel closed in, crowded, and unable to find an outlet for their extraverted needs. Be more forgiving and show more compassion, both for yourself and others, when conflicts arise. This will allow you to keep moving forward instead of always getting hung up on inconsequential conflict or self-created dramas.
On a personal note, I would like to thank you for continuing to work under dangerous circumstances, and for being responsible in taking the pandemic seriously. I really wish that society did not take service workers for granted. If anything, this pandemic should teach people how essential they are to the economy and compensate them better. Stay safe and care for yourself well.
Is it possible for someone to have an underdeveloped dominant function? I ask this because after a lot of reflection as well as looking my life patterns, I believe I am an ENFJ. However, my fe seems to be rather poor for a dominant function. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since childhood. I was also sexually abused as a child and grew up in a dysfunctional environment. I have been emotionally cut off from people (even family members) since my teens years and (1/4)
[con’t: never quite developed my social skills, despite the fact I feel a strong urge to socialize and that I used to be quite social and active as a child. I often feel bitter, numb, incompetent and lonely. People have told me I am too blunt, critical and hard to get to know. I don’t have much trouble initiating relationships but can’t keep them for long. Sometimes I have some aspirations that I obsessively try to implement in my life but no matter how hard I work towards them I still feel empty and any minor setback I interpret as sign to give up. I am incapable of moving on or taking decisive action. Whenever I feel like a failure I turn to binge watching, excessive food and reckless sexual activities. I am too self-contained and withdrawn and get stuck trying to find a way out of this emotional hell to no avail. I don’t like being so introspective and I feel restless if I don’t engage enough with the world. Is my behavior out of character for an unhealthy ENFJ? Or have I completely mistyped myself? Thanks for your time and any input will be appreciated.]
The Type Development Guide includes info about chronic inferior grip and stunted ego development due to early childhood trauma. Inferior grip means having an unhealthy dominant function and thus poor self-awareness (i.e. you don’t really know yourself), which makes it impossible to use any of the functions properly. I can confirm that your self-description fits comfortably within the range of characteristics and behaviors that are expected for an unhealthy enfj functional stack. However, due to poor self-awareness, self-typing is difficult, and 100% certainty about your type might not be possible until you get out of inferior grip and get to a more normal cognitive state.
The key sentence I see is: “I don’t have much trouble initiating relationships but can’t keep them for long.“ If you want to have good relationships, it is important to properly understand the obstacles and problems you encounter in order to know how to remove or resolve them. The first step is perhaps to deal with your past trauma and move forward from it. You’ve experienced a very negative past and maybe it’s a good idea to work it out in therapy if possible. It’s typical that experiencing early traumas makes a person defensive because they learned early on to use defense mechanisms to protect themselves from harm. However, if you keep reflexively calling up those defenses in your present relationships, you basically keep reliving your old traumas again and again. To get out of this mental repetition requires that you build awareness of your triggers, defenses, and dysfunctional cognitive patterns, and therapy should help with that.
Hello. I have a question. I'm enfj. I find myself feeling disconnected from people. Even though it's easy for me to build connections with people, I realise that I dont try to maintain them because deep down I feel apathy towards almost everyone. Is something wrong with me? How can I genuinely connect with people? Please help?
Sounds like Ti grip. Inferior grip is usually triggered by something, since you have not stated the trigger or don’t know it, there isn’t much I can say. Generally speaking, Ti grip is the result of poorly developed Ni and Se loop that leaves enfjs feeling useless and empty because they don’t engage with people for the right reasons or in the right way. You call it easy to “build connections” but there is obviously no real emotional connection happening, otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to take people for granted or treat them like nothing, which points to some kind of fakery and/or emotional dysfunction going on. Are you being authentic and do you approach people with authenticity? If not, then of course there’s no point in being in relationships; inauthenticity is a direct obstacle to emotional connection. Get back in touch with the right spirit of dominant Fe compassion and generosity, and develop auxiliary Ni so that you make yourself useful and contribute meaningfully to the world around you, consult the study guides.
