I'm slowly realizing that as I undergo HRT and various gender things, and as I settle into and fully accept my kinks and my appreciation, I kind of crave gaining weight (still in a non kinky way, at least for me) that I can't gain when I'm hitting a lull in my transition.
I think because as I am, I've never exactly felt comfortable in this body. Sure, I appreciate it. I've been told how beautiful it is, that I should be grateful, that I won't 'gain weight'. It's kept me going long enough. It looks fine, I'm repeatedly told that, and I'm given attention I don't want for it, and it's all not me.
Obviously I've been missing something my whole life, and I'm working on getting that through transition, but when I can't move any further my body still feels a desire to change.
I want to be fat, I want to feel comfortable in my body in a way that *I* chose. I want to feel present and warm and comfortable, I want to feel like I'm complete and whole.
It's almost easier to ache to fill out my clothes rather than ache to change through hormones and surgery (a surgery that's very far off but still has a small window to be done in).
It's very hard to go through life feeling like you're in an improper shell and I just... I want to be in a shell that makes me happy.
