#secret journal

[permagut]

20 years old good lord get a job

im disabled so i literally cant. you are also an adult, where is your job? hm?

[fauxpapi]

Used to worry my mom might pass on while I was out of state and I wouldn’t know til weeks later.

Then I got older and realized my mom wouldn’t let that happen, she would call me before she even called 911 with her dying breath to let me know how her situation was actually all my fault. If I didn’t pick up she’d leave a voicemail.

Now I worry less, easy breezy beautiful baby!

[scary-pixie]

November 1st = New Tina Year! (secret diary entry and upcoming goals)

I'm mainly writing this down so I don't slack off! Cause if I slack off I can look back on this and think, "wow, you failed terribly. dingus."

Ahem.

Anyways, I am in the process of thinking up some new short term goals now that:

2024 con season is over (with the exception of some smaller events)

Spooky Season is almost over (I like posting non-stop spooky stuff during this delightful time)

Twitter is going inside the toilet

Magazine troubles (more on this below)

I have met the famous man whose inspiration played a big role in both: a) getting back into drawing my old OCs after 15+ years (little round glasses are a bad influence), and b) getting brave enough to be on video after saying I would never do this for god knows how long. (secret: I watched a certain music video with one of his characters the morning before I made my own). BUT HE WILL NEVER KNOW ABOUT THIS AND I WILL NEVER TELL! I AM FULL OF CRINGE!!!

This is what I'm thinking at the moment, in terms of my next creative direction. I appreciate any thoughts or advice!!:

My OC art was an absolute flop in terms of gaining new social media followers. Bluesky seems to be a LITTLE bit better, but it's still early to tell and I haven't posted too many of my OCs there yet either. For the time being, though, I plan to get back to my Schoolism subscription assignments since I've been neglecting them for a bit!

good lord I need to flatten my stomach somehow, as I cannot fit into my preferred fashion choices. I quit watching TV for a while in the summer, which helped a bit (I tend to eat everything in the house while I watch), so I may try this again soon.

arm workouts are going alright I guess, I am gaining a bit of muscle in my armes so they do not look so much like noodles.

Tempted to get back into posting video game screenshots and mini-reviews on social media since people really liked this stuff, but I'm worried it might just add more to my plate.

I'm really enjoying doing videos now, I'm just not sure which direction to take them (or if I even should take them places). I tend to film a lot of myself and a long-time friend in the car just saying stupid shit, but I don't really want to post all of these.

I wish to read more books without falling asleep, jesus christ this is tough.

On a similar note: the magazine I used to write book and comic reviews for has SHUT DOWN GOD DAMN IT so maybe I'll write some new stuff here?? Not sure yet!

I need to get back to my Japanese studies!! I used to do them at lunch and dinner but now I get distracted by all the awful political shit online! Aaaaaaaa!! I really hope America doesn't combust in the next few days but I guess we'll find out soon...

Finally, I need to be more active HERE! It's the best place for longform writing and art that might be a bit too "cringe" for the general public. Let's see if I can stick to it!!

I think that's all I have to SAY for NOW. Wish me luck in sticking to my goals instead of spiralling into ADHD Twitter nonsense, aaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Tagging a couple frands: @prometheus-ghost @fadingdreamerdream @thewebspinner @autolykiss @draganwhorror

Also anyone who actually wants to watch my shitty ass videos, the link is below. I have a bunch more but haven't posted them! https://www.instagram.com/kittensoft39/reels/

[morrieandlicky]

E.M. Forster's journal entries relating to Maurice in his "Locked Diary"

Apologies in advance—I only had about an hour in the library to skim through the entire source, "The Journals and Diaries of E.M. Forster vol 2", which contains every journal entry of Forster from 1910 to the late 1960's. I thus probably missed some mentions of Maurice. But surprisingly, there were much fewer Maurice entries than expected—and many are short and subtle.

6th December, 1913:

The first mention of Maurice: "my novel goes slower."

(Some context: the short story mentioned here is Forster's gay erotic story which "shocked" his mentor Dickinson—and caused a rift between them. Meredith is the real-life Clive Durham who read Maurice's writing in progress and was utterly repelled by the story.)

31st December, 1913:

The second mention is also the most important and iconic one: "Edward Carpenter! Edward Carpenter! Edward Carpenter!"

The entry is a part of Forster's 1913 end-of-year reflection. It shows Forster mentally struggling with whether to proceed with the novel. It's also confirmed that the day he formulated the love story in his mond during his visit to Edward Carpenter and George Merrill—the real-life Maurice and Alec—is 13th of September, 1913.

Also, the Greenwood here is not the same greenwood Maurice and Alec escape to. It's Leonard Greenwood, a close confidante of Forster who was very important in producing and preserving the first manuscript of Maurice, and who fell apart with Forster later.

June, 1914:

Completely my fault—I failed to capture the exact date and wider context, but I do remember it being a very brief mention of Maurice in the summer of 1914.

31st December, 1914:

Another end of year reflection. We see that Forster was able to mend his relationship with Dickinson who liked and approved Maurice. Also, we can guess of Meredith (H.O.M.)'s continuing aversion to the novel, Greenwood's relationship with Forster deteriorating, and Forster feeling indebted to Edward Carpenter (E.C.).

(The next and last entry about Maurice I found is from the '1950s... I might have missed some mentions. But it must be noted that Maurice was revised many times between 1914 and 1959. There was even a point in 1932 when Forster finalized a manuscript that had a much less satisfying ending between Maurice and Alec without the epilogue.

Forster's letters with his friends who've read Maurice do show us his own thoughts on the story's ending as well as what drove his revisions across decades. His diary, however, does not.)

31st December, 1952 and 1st January, 1953:

Context: in 1951/1952, Forster was encouraged by another gay novelist Christopher Isherwood to add more scenes between Maurice and Alec, and so Forster did, enthusiastically and very quickly—after many years of refusing Isherwood's requests to add more scenes (we don't know what Isherwood said to Forster to sway him). Hence, the hotel chapter after the British museum was manually added to the 1932 finalized manuscript—clipped in, actually. The "Maurice's end" mentioned here is probably not the hotel chapter, however, but likely Maurice's final farewell to Clive.

That's it. Though the novel wasn't completely finalized until 1959 when Forster managed to unite Maurice and Alec at the boathouse in explicit writing. Before then, their reunion was only implied, which is why the 1932 ending is a big let-down since it didn't have the monologue.

Lastly, some interesting diary entries from Forster:

Why was Forster drawn to lower class men? Carpenter explained himself.

2. Forster moving on from his first love Mohammed el Adl, a lower-class Egyptian who ended up marrying a woman and likely broke up with Forster on very bad terms. (Spoiler alert: Forster failed to move on... Plenty of mentions and entries about Mohammed later on.)

Context: the relationship between Mohammed and Forster is much like the one between Maurice and Alec—they probably had their own episodes about class struggles and "blackmail" in real life—except the happy ending.

3. Um... Did Forster and Bob have a lot of rough sex?

4. Lastly, some mentions of Edward Carpenter and George Merrill in his diaries after Forster became neighbor with them since they moved from Millthorpe to Guilford.

I like how George Merrill is described as "skittish". You'll know it's very characteristic of him if you've read Edward Carpenter's biography on George Merrill.

Context: Moh. refers to Mohammed. This was around 1922 after Mohammed left Forster and got married and then died. We can see that the end of their time together was rather unpleasant.

Source: The Journals and Diaries of E M Forster Vol 2 by Philip Gardner

[theluxuriansecret]

Dear 12092023

7:00 pm

Dear diary.

I'm having a genuinely hard time with school boy's rejection. I mean, I know he's just a young college kid ,but seriously our chemistry was too good to deny. Honestly it all comes back down to Avenel. That's what I'm renaming J*** because writing his name out like that is kind of annoying. I know that not all situations need closure, and that silence is closure. If someone wanted to talk to you, or wanted you in their life they just would be., but in this case, he didn't want to be and I just had to accept that. None of them wanted to be. I was just a convenient fuck at the end of the day.

I also started to consider the science behind the people you want not wanting you back, and the people you didn't want being absolutley obsessed. It's so incredibly frustrating to me. The only men I wanted, I was nice to, but the men I didn't want I was nonchalant with. Those are the only ones who responded "positively" to me. but I don't want to be a cruel, nonchalant bitch to be with a man who will actually like me and take genuine interest in me.

This is me coming back at 9:44 pm finally ready to finish my journal post because I get so caught up and distracted. I've had so much sugar that my head is starting to hurt, and I would really like to start my final that's due tomorrow, I just really don't want to do any of that shit. Anywayyyy.

I just need to pour back into myself again. Get my work out routine back into place, start playing vide games i like that I can play alone (fortnite is too intense for me). I was honestly so productive today. its crazy what I can accomplish when I put my phone down. Like.. I gotta put this shit down more often.

Honestly, I'm going to keep being a hopeless romantic. I'm going to keep believing that the right person for me is out there. I know the love I desire exists because it lives within me, but until then. I will continue to love myself the way I deserve..

Honestly, yes the sappy ending would've been nice, but that's not what I came to write about. I wanted to write about how I have an intimacy issue and it's spilling over making me a hypersexual. I struggle with limerence, and I think about sex a lot. I don't even know whether I'm horny or the fact that the only way for me to feel wanted or loved, or cared for or cheished or valued, is through sex. I cracked the code. I gotta stop. TBH after school boy gave me BV, I told myself I was 100% going on a man cleanse, for my coochie and for my spirit. It's almost been two months with out sec and I'm not going to lie, it's been difficult. I do still heavily value male attention. And I hater that for me. Once school is over and I'm super finished and I never have to see school boy again, I can finally start the process of moving on, planning my future, and figuring myself out. It's just so hard to do when I have to see him and I still want him to choose me. I don't know how people can have these types of relationships when you constantly have to see the person you're not fucking with anymore. I don't live on campus and I'm struggling. IDK how they do it. (finishing at 10:17 pm btw)

[cupidvn]

Gilly’s Secret Diary - Page 4 The God of Love needs to look the part after all.

Please play Cupid! It is a very funny interesting game! (*YMMV)

~ Cupid, a Visual Novel (Play it for FREE)

[fall-in-love-with-a-demisexual]

Fall in love with a Demisexual who keeps a journal they don't let anyone read

[permagut]

not gonna lie man you seem like a pretty shitty mother if you find everyone meaningless

i find everyone meaningless because i have multiple disorders that make me apathetic and uncaring towards others. but thank you for your wonderful observation. C-, see me after class.