I knew I would fall apart
Little by little I'm coming apart.
We bury our sister in Friday...
I've ordered clothes for the brother and little sister. Paid for her bus pass, and today (Wednesday), she will be on it to be home by Thursday morning. I'm a little scared of her traveling like this, but my car is no longer mine and I'm sure the insurance has lapsed by now. The brother will be working till late so there is no way to drive four hours one way to pick her up.
She's coming home for a funeral and I'm so scared she might be detained due to all the ICE round ups here in Florida. To be clear we are American born and I'm terrified still.
We cleaned up the extra room and set up the bed and spare TV.
I can't remember what I'm doing.
I keep losing track of time.
I got halfway through cleaning and had to sit. I think I almost fainted. I've never done that, so that would be new...
I'm slowly coming apart.
We bury her Friday.
It's so weird.
I keep thinking... today the sun was out and I thought "sister would love a beach day!!" And then I remembered she's not here to drag me out there anymore. She's not here to complain and take me to breakfast. She's not here to argue with the brother that a bologna sammie IS a complete meal. She always got food in her hair and could never wait for it to cool down.
I hate waking up. I struggle to go to sleep, and when I do, there she is, and I don't want to wake up anymore.
I miss my sister
And I'm so angry. God fucking dammit. I am SO ANGRY. It is eating me up from how much I HATE everything. I have no patience for anything. I just want something to hurt as much as I do. I want to do damage until someone understands this fucking empty pain inside my chest cause my fucking big sister had to get stupid fucking cancer.
She had to get cancer. She had a shitty husband and fucking asshole kids that didn't know how amazing she is. I hope they have the worst lives ahead of them.
I miss my sister. I miss her so fucking much.
I don't want Friday to come.
It'll be the last time I'll be able to take care of her.
I don't know what to do. I've always taken care of her.
She just had to be a little afraid, and nothing else mattered. I would be there. I would kill for her. I behaved when she told me to. She was our sunshine. I can't believe there exists a world without her.
Everything keeps going, and nobody is affected by the fact that she is no longer here.
She'll never call me Seester again.
She won't put up her ridiculous Christmas trees. Yes, she had one, but it wasn't big enough, so she got another and decorated that one too. Her boyfriend said it was crazy. I asked if he was paying for it? He gave up (in a good guy way) she laughed and added more decorations. I just wanted her to be happy.
She won't eat mounds of rice and stuff her face with chocolate. I can't hear her laugh anymore. Or the way she would gasp and say I can't use the word fuck with a child present.
I miss my sister so much and nobody understands it. I'm so sad. I'm so angry.
I'm coming apart. I'm supposed to be the strong one.
I'm so sorry, my sister. I'm gonna fall apart for a little bit. I promise to put myself back together but right now? Imma be a little bit of a mess. Don't hate me. I love you. I love you, I love you. Tell ma and Brandt I said hi. Give them super big hugs for me. God, give ma such a big HUG. There wasn't enough time for us.
Tell God I said "fuck you" just in case he's been ignoring me. I'll gladly tell him in person. He always takes the best people. Why couldn't I keep you? You're supposed to be HERE. WITH ME.
I'm not okay without you.
I miss you sister. God. I miss you.
Imma act up without you.
And you can give God the finger. Lick it a little to make it a little nasty. Tell him it's for not leaving you here with us. Cause we need you more than he does. What the fuck does an "all powerful god" need you for? Fuck that shit. He can make sunsets to distract himself. He should have left you here. With us.
Why aren't you here? Do you know how much I live you? Did I tell you enough? Did you really know? I'm sorry. I don't feel like I told you enough.
I miss you.
