I think of you often. The places I go, the things I see, the shows I watch…something always reminds me of you. Sometimes I think of you for no good reason. But when I think of you, it’s not how you would expect. I think of all the pain you caused me. I think about how ridiculous it was that I’d justify everything you did. I stuck with you even though I knew I deserved better. I hate how much you were like me. We had so much in common. I could be myself around you and I could tell you everything. Absolutely everything. You preyed on my vulnerability but you acted like a victim. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t entertaining enough. I didn’t give you enough attention. I don’t know what more you wanted from me. You knew I loved you more than I loved anyone else and what makes me feel disgusted every single day is that I even loved you more than I loved myself. You were everything to me. I can’t deny that we did have our good times. Enough to make me believe we were going to be alright. But I was stupid to believe they made the bad times irrelevant. Your name used to fill my mind with the idea of forever. I thought once that ring was on my finger, that was it. I was so happy and blinded. I thought you wanted to be with me for the rest of your life like I did with you. Then one day you just left. It’s embarrassing that your best friend was the one to tell me you no longer wanted to be with me. You were too much of a coward to tell me yourself. I wasted so much of my time on you. Time I can’t ever get back…but despite everything, I’m also grateful. Through this process I’ve learned so much about myself and I can never bring myself to hate you…because I’m smarter than that. I know that if I hold a grudge, I give you the power, and I already let you take so much from me. I know that if I don’t forgive you and move on, I might not ever let someone else in. As much as you hurt me – as much as you made me feel insignificant and small, I forgive you even though you never apologized. Literally, never. For anything. Looking back, what was even worse than you hurting me was me letting you do it. If you were the robber, I handed you the money. But because of you I learned to have higher expectations for myself, I learned to put myself first. It’s no longer about you, it’s about me. I forgive myself…for giving so much of me to human garbage. I hope you’re living a happy life and that you find someone who makes you as happy and I was when I was with you. I just hope you treat her how she deserves to be treated and are aware that she’s most likely too good for you.
