3 MAJOR BLOCKS THAT ARE CLOGGING YOUR CONFIDENCE
We've all had someone walk by us that made us go, “whoa.” They wear the brands you wish you could, have the hair you want, and you imagine them have a buzzing schedule, especially with that coffee in their hand. Images connected to our attachment to success is strutting by you.
In this article we will explore 3 major root causes of the clogs causing blockages to your confidence and how to unclog them.
1. Your outlook on others who are “better than you.”
Comparison is a hard-wired function of the brain. If you see someone that you perceive being better than you, automatic feelings of jealousy, shame and guilt arise. A storm brews within you because you inner-narrative is not tamed. “The colour of that jacket doesn't look good on them, I'd wear it better”, “I bet they come from a rich family”, “they have it so easy.”
You can't stop your brain from comparison, but you can re-frame the narrative to something uplifting. After taming your narrative the automatic responses your brain will spring at you will be light and airy, not dark and heavy.
How to Tame the Brain: Each time a negative/undesired thought arises, simply stop it in its tracks and replace it with a better thought. Better doesn't have to overly positive (which can be counter-productive because you don't believe what you are thinking) opt for neutral narratives which will help stem away from black and white thinking. “I wonder what mall they went to for that jacket”, “that looks like an interesting person, I wonder what their story is”, “you never know what someone is going through, be kind.”
Your perception of others as better also signifies deep lacking on your part, a big gap lies between you and your desires. It also communicates a false hierarchy to your subconscious, that material or aesthetically pleasing things make someone better than another.
2. Lacking supportive friends.
Unsupportive friends don't provide you with just nothing, they plant seeds of doubt in your mind because they see your potential and want to stunt it. The don't want you doing better than them, and they get a sense of confidence from chopping yours down. When one is thirsty they will drink poison to quench the dehydration, similarly when we are starved of affection and attention, we will fill that void with toxic connections.
Solution: Cut toxic friendships off, they do not serve you in creating your best-self and your participation is serving their ego. To know who is toxic, start taking inventory of how you feel after interactions with friends. Write in a journal how you feel after the conversations, and after a couple of days take a look at your log and see who is making you feel negatively.
Proximity can create blurred boundaries which equals a lack of respect. If you notice it is a very good friend of yours and you don't want to completely cut them off, start taking some space so they do not have access to you how they did before. This will signify a shift to them that is happening within you and alarm them that their grip on you is releasing (prepare for push-back, they won't like that they don't have the same access to you). Using your voice will fully indicate that the have no hold over you anymore and that you don't care what their response will be because you have things to say to them for yourself.
It's tempting to cancel everyone out of your life who is acting "in the wrong," and some people don't deserve a conversation because they are not in the place to receive it, and will just twist your words. But we are all capable of change and if you do not address the issue you are excluding the chance for them to change and become the person you wish they were in respect to the friendship you have with them.
3. Stop being agreeable, stop being so nice.
Confident people are not rude, but they are also not spineless. They are indifferent to your response because no matter what they know they will be okay. The know they have the tools or can find tools to solve their problems, they focus on the bigger picture instead of getting caught up in little details, and they are disciplined with their boundaries.
Don't be scared to take up space. Being opened with your body language non-verbally communicates confidence. But to verbally take up space is all about raising your words, not your voice, as Rumi said.
Not being agreeable, and voicing opinions about causes that you stand up for makes people trust and respect you because if you agree with everything I say, you'll just agree with whatever the next person says, and what intellectual gain or entertainment can you really provide if you appear to just have the same opinion as everyone?
Conclusion:
Confidence is a skill that is learned, so is being unconfident. The narratives you have playing around in your head are the starting point to the chain reaction of either confidence or insecurities manifesting. Start with your self-talk and that will automatically carry out to your other relationships. Creating boundaries with yourself and what you will and will not entertain will make it easier to deny others opinions and suggestions that are not aligned with your goals or outlook.
