#self-therapy

[c0olt0mato]

!!

[myhappyexobubble]

EXO Fandom - Part 1 - FanFics

I was talking to a coworker a few days ago about K-Pop. They asked me who my favorite band was and it was simple to say, “EXO. I love their songs. I’ve watched them over several years...” and I realized I was giving such a generalized easy answer to something that is so incredibly complicated. No, I didn’t dive in further in that conversation but my mind continued to churn over why I love EXO and why I’ve loved them for so long.

The answer is multifaceted but my mind dove so far into it that I felt compelled to talk about it to whoever would listen. So, let me start at the basics.

If we look at Exo at the time of their MAMA, History, and Wolf release time frames then the answer is adorably cute guys singing romantically driven songs. They debuted with fictional powers and a sense of mystery. Who doesn’t love a good fantasy and wrapped up in a music group? The fan fiction that has poured out of this fanbase is the factual evidence as to why this was such a good concept to debut with.

At the time of Exo’s first year or two, I was personally dealing with a separation. It was my first relationship, first intimate relationship, and I was so completely depressed. I was introduced to EXO at the time History came out. It was an easy sell to me, but what really took me down the rabbit hole of the fandom was being recommended to read some fan fics. The fandom had already blown up with incredible stories. If you have been an EXOL back when we called ourselves Exotics then you probably have heard of or read a handful of some very famous fanfics. Were you a ChanBaek fan and read 10080? Not Intended? The Letter? Did you deep dive into Interrobang? Revolution? Did you ever run across Inner Child (god do I have withdrawals from being unable to find that fic anymore)? These are titles that I can remember off the top of my head but I have accounts with endless bookmarked stories. The truly amazing part of this was if you read a fan fic and then watched Exo in a reality show or on an interview, authors had been able to truly capture the member’s on-screen personalities. You could read a fic and then watch how members teased each other and there would be exact parallels. I truly believe that the fandom is not only creative but so very keenly observant.

If you wrote fanfics in those early days that dealt with powers, wolf pack dynamics, 6 rotating variations of shipped pairs then you were probably instrumental in helping this fan not only distract herself from an ugly separation but ignite a personal and sexual awakening. There were topics in fanfics that I’d never even heard of, prompting endless research and conversations with others to truly understand relationship dynamics. This was such a motivating time of awakening for me that I also began to write fictions and quickly came up with the “MyHappyExoBubble” name to capture this secret world where I was motivated and happy when I wasn’t sinking in my day-to-day life. In fact, most people knew me from fan fiction stories before I ever moved on to doing fanart (which I will conquer in a different post).

My motivation to write was centered around having found so many good story ideas but that were written poorly and were difficult to read. No, I never took an idea and wrote it myself, but I did start to come up with ideas that I would never publish if the writing wasn’t decent. I’m not an English major, nor do I pretend to have flawless grammar. I just wanted more stories that could be read without bad translations or under-developed writing skills. Unfortunately, at this time, I do have a few unfinished fics that have gathered dust online and I do apologize for that.

The result of finding such a rich community of fan fiction has been instrumental (as weird as that may sound) in my growth as an adult. When I finally moved on to a new relationship, the intimacies that were destroyed by my ex had been re-worked, explored, defined, and I knew what kind of intimacy I wanted and was accepting of. My writing skills had improved with practice. I can storyboard, brainstorm, character develop and truly express in written word what is going on in my head. I cannot look back in time and say that something else wouldn’t have taken me down this road, but the fandom did, thanks to EXO. This is one of the many reasons why I will forever have EXO listed as my favorite K-pop group.

*If you would like to talk to me about any of this, feel free to message me. I’ve been on a therapy journey recently and while I have not talked about my alter-ego within the fandom with my therapist at this time, I can’t stop thinking about it. :) 

[lastchanceletters]

What was stolen from you can’t be restored; it must be grieved. You are free to cry, but remember that the best is yet to come. Let the past go.

[darkk-stallion]

After a session of self-therapy, I have concluded that it’s best to stick to loving fictional characters. Falling for someone irl is madness. 

[gehetzterfuchs]

This one‘s called „an attempt of self-therapy“

[mashupofmylife]

My psychiatrist, who is also my therapist, last minute cancelled my last two sessions due to re-credentialing paperwork mishaps. Obviously, I know that I have nothing to do with this and it doesn’t reflect on me or our therapeutic relationship or whatever, but good god am I getting way deep into my own head examining the feelings behind my thoughts.

[parentsnevertoldus]

Love in the Time of Corona: How to Apologize

Trust me, you’re gonna need this.

In light of current news and an ever-growing wave of shelter-in-place mandates, millions of people across the globe are stuck--stuck at home, with parents, with partners, with family. Even in quarantine COVID-19 is infectious, straining previously healthy relationships and not-so-healthy relationships alike. Now maybe more than ever, it is important to set and respect boundaries, to recognize when you’ve crossed them, and to facilitate trust after turmoil. In these uncertain times we can continue to do the inner work it takes to build the foundation for a better future for ourselves and society. 

So, when should you apologize? That’s easy! When you’ve:

Crossed someone’s boundaries 

You made a mistake

Or when you’ve become aware that someone was hurt by your actions (and you want them to stay in your life)

When shouldn’t you apologize? That’s... a little more complicated. In healthy relationships (romantic or otherwise), you should never feel compelled to apologize for existing or expressing or just being your damn self. Don’t apologize for:

Consuming necessary resources (i.e. food)

Asking for something you need or want

Asserting yourself

Putting yourself first

Being different

Disappointing other people

Choosing what’s best for you

Saying no without apology

Saying yes

Having and expressing your feelings

Having wants or needs

#Protip: If you have been socially conditioned to say “sorry” to seem more easy-going, less threatening, less opinionated, say “thank you” instead. Instead of being sorry for venting, be silly and express gratitude to have a friend with patience and good listening skills. 

How to Actually Apologize (when you’re ~actually~ sorry)

According to Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT (@lizlistens on insta), there are seven steps to an apology, more or less. 

Listen to the impact: hear from the other person’s perspective. How did the experience make them think, feel, or act?

Withhold defensiveness. Remember that it is you both against the problem, not you both against each other.

Say that you’re sorry for whatever it is and be clear about what you understand the impact of your actions to be.

Focus on relieving their burden, NOT yours. Often we apologize to make ourselves feel better and relieve our own feelings of guilt. Keep the focus on the other person--you should be apologizing to help the other person move forward. Maybe this might relieve some of your emotional burden too. 

Empathize with the other person’s feelings. All feelings are valid! Would you feel the same way if you were in their shoes?

Request forgiveness, but recognize and respect that this will be on their own time regardless of what you want to happen.

Rebuild trust with your behavior. Ask them what you can do to make amends and gain their trust back. 

Quarantine is hard. Boundaries are hard. Apologies are hard. Relationships can be hard. We must remember to stay soft.

[on-a-personalnote]

This is what I need to read to myself everyday.