Could I possibly get a critique on this RP OC I’ve been working on? Warning for a LONG bio and brief mentions of some pretty intense torture.
“I’m not who I used to be. Not who I’m meant to be.”
♦ f u l l n a m e ♦
Deen James Grey
♦ n i c k n a m e s ♦
Spook, Dee
♦ p o w e r s & a b i l i t i e s ♦
Deen can see and speak to the dead who’ve yet to pass on. He hasn’t ever actually seen someone pass on, so he has his doubts that it ever happens. He can’t turn off his ability, and sees ghosts nearly everywhere he goes. The ability wasn’t one that came naturally, it was forcibly learned.
♦ s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n ♦
Demisexual
♦ r o m a n t i c o r i e n t a t i o n ♦
Homoromantic
♦ b i r t h d a y ♦
August 30th
Hey, Yani-Senpai here!! I’ll take care of this one for you. He shares my birthday!!
♦ m e n t a l a g e ♦
22-27
♦ t h e m e s o n g s ♦
• Ghost Town- First Aid Kit
• Rising, Rising- Crywolf
• No Culture- Mother Mother
♦ f a c e c l a i m ♦
Iyden James
♦ v o i c e c l a i m ♦
Basically like Billy Bob Thornton as Lorne Malvo from the television series, Fargo. You can easily find examples on YouTube.
♦ u n i v e r s e / s e t t i n g ♦ Modern day with a touch of alternate history and super natural. Setting can be any city or town really.
♦ b o d y t y p e ♦
Tall and lanky, underweight due to his lack of appetite.
♦ r a c e / e t h n i c i t y ♦
Welsh/English
♦ s k i n t o n e ♦
Pale, more often than not has a sickly tint
♦ h a i r c o l o r ♦
Lackluster Black
♦ h a i r s t y l e ♦
Short-ish with a natural flip to his bangs. Generally very unkempt and messy.
♦ e y e c o l o r ♦
Sage green, intense and piercing
♦ e y e s h a p e ♦
Typical European round shape, often narrowed in mistrust or disgust. He generally has dark circles under his from exhaustion
♦ t a t t o o s / p i e r c i n g s ♦
Both ears are pierced twice, no tattoos
♦ d i s t i n g u i s h i n g f e a t u r e s ♦
There’s a large Y shaped scar on his chest, very much like an autopsy incision. The scars are well faded and darker than his normal skin tone.
♦ c l o t h i n g s t y l e ♦ Seemingly uncaring about his appearance, he’ll wear basically whatever he can find in his closet that’s clean. Often its very dark colors or monotone black and greys. He very rarely goes without a worn black tweed button up coat on no matter the weather. He’s highly uncomfortable showing much skin around people he doesn’t know well.
Please be very careful with characters that seem this dark and upset all the time. They’re very unlikable as people in general and in an rp it’s concerning to me that some people may dislike him purely on the fact that he’s very unapproachable. Remember that people HAVE to judge him on his demeanor first. They don’t know him like you know him.
♦ l i k e s ♦
• Alternative music and bands
• Sleeping through the day
• Taxidermy
• Renaissance era and surrealistic paintings
♦ d i s l i k e s ♦
• Pop, country and very up beat music
• Loud noises, places and people
• Most birds
• Horror movies or books
♦ f e a r s ♦
Most birds, though he’s okay with very small ones such as sparrows and finches.
♦ r e l i g i o n ♦
He’s not religious nor is he against religion. He’s just indifferent.
♦ s t r e n g t h s ♦
• Intelligent- Though he often tries to hide the fact his IQ is above average, he is very intelligent and a natural born student
• Steadfast in his beliefs- regardless of what others think, he stands firm behind what he believes while not belittling others for disagreeing
• A good listener- While he usually doesn’t know what to say in response, he’s the type who can always be counted on the listen to whatever you need to say. Though whether or not he’ll believe a word of it is another story.
• Even tempered- He’s very hard to anger to anger or mildly upset. But because it takes something serious to cause his upset, the anger is proportionate. One exception is physical pain. That never fails to easily upset him.
• Kind at heart- He can often come across as cold or uncaring because he doesn’t show much outward emotion, but he really is kind and caring. His past just makes it difficult to trust anyone enough to express that he cares.
It’s very important for you to consider the IQ height!! It always comes across almost elitist. It’s much better to describe a character as studious. Even just saying he’s a natural born student is a better way to word it than slapping a number on him.
Be careful with being steadfast in his beliefs “while not belittling others for disagreeing”. This sounds easy on the surface, but as it stands, is harder in practice, especially in an RP setting. Many will attempt to argue it despite the character’s personality traits. Not saying this is bad, just saying it’s important to keep a watch on how you write it. That said, everyone has a breaking point when their beliefs are challenged or made fun of! don’t make him too benevolent.
The same goes with even tempered-ness. EVERYONE has a breaking point. Saying that physical pain is his breaking point is just untrue, because frankly, that’s not how people work. Eventually, someone has a bad day and will blow up. Even tempers only last so long.
Trust issues and caring characters don’t go as hand in hand as you might think. Unfortunately, if someone doesn’t show outward emotion, his kind caring nature doesn’t mean anything or matter to anyone he interacts with. Consider, that the way this describes him, if someone were to come to him upset about a problem, his standoffishness and trust issues would lead him not to respond to them in any way other than to push them away or seem indifferent, keeping them from returning. Whether he cares about them inwardly doesn’t matter if they don’t see his caring nature, and it would seem out of character for him to suddenly start paying attention to problems of others if he doesn’t do a lot of interaction in the first place.
• Recklessly impulsive- acts on his first instinct, often getting him into trouble.
• Socially awkward- He’s very awkward when it comes to speaking with the living. Sometimes even with the dead.
• Wary to trust- Once you earn his trust, he won’t abandon your side. But his trust is a difficult thing to earn. He keeps most people at arm’s length.
• Easily frightened- You’d expect someone who sees ghosts, often mutilated, to be a bit braver. He’s a coward though, nearly afraid of his own shadow.
• Holds a grudge- He’s not quick to forgive. If you manage end up on his bad side, you’re going to have to do something major to make up for it.
You say he’s kindhearted but he holds grudges. That doesn’t...really work? Kindhearted people don’t just decide to be angry and stay that way. More often those with good natures tend to consider the other side primarily--in fact it’ll more often than not become a problem as they won’t view a problem as someone else’s fault in any context--everything comes back to how they mutually hurt each other. Most kind hearts don’t hold grudges because they want to breed a setting of trust and good feelings.
♦ h a b i t s ♦
• Smoker
• Often skips meals
• An occasional drinker
• Bites his lips when he’s thinking
♦ g o a l s ♦
Long-term- Find a decent job and manage to keep it, Hopefully find some way to dispel the curse that makes him see ghosts.
Short-term- Get a cat.
♦ p e r s o n a l i t y ♦
♦ b e s t q u a l i t y ♦
His even temper and disposition
♦ w o r s t q u a l i t y ♦
His pessimistic and distrustful nature
♦ f l a w s ♦
•Unwillingness to trust
•Cowardice that often keeps him from reaching his potential
♦ d e f i n i n g t r a i t s ♦
• Pessimistic
• Seemingly aloof and uncaring
• Quiet, usually very reserved
• Wary and almost suspicious of others
You seem to be putting a lot of issues as his inability to trust people. Please consider that that’s something that was caused by things done to him, and are not traits intrinsic to him. Not to mention, not trusting people right off the bat is not really a bad thing. Many people do it and it’s not really a bad trait for them.
♦ q u i r k s ♦
• Fear of most birds- He has no traumatic event that’s the cause of this fear. Something about the way they move just unnerves him.
• Annoyed by certain phrases- People who consistently use the phrases ‘needless to say’ and 'meanwhile’ really tend to annoy him. He can’t explain exactly why, just that it drives him a little nuts.
♦ c o n f i d e n c e ♦
He’s not at all very confident
When someone nitpicks the way I talk or the way other people around him talks, that’s a sure sign that I hate their guts. Not because it’s just something about him I don’t like, but because it’s a sure sign he’s judgmental and thinks he’s better. Just be careful.
♦ p o s t u r e ♦
Usually slouched, almost huddled in on himself as if expecting the worst at any moment
♦ a l i g n m e n t ♦
Lawful Neutral
“Despair is familiar to me.”
♦ b a c k s t o r y ♦
Deen had known he was a bit different from most kids from a very young age. He was born to scientist parents and raised to excel in any field he might choose to enter. Unfortunately, his parents were recruited by a up in coming government official with an interest in the darker sides of research. Deen ended up living in a research compound with his now mostly absentee parents.
He’s not exactly sure how it happened, but eventually he was lumped in with other test subjects used to test the limits of the human body and bring forth unique and tactically advantageous abilities. Often these expiremints took the form of some sort of torture or forced near death experience.
This is already concerning because it hits a few cliches. Child abuse and neglect is not to be messed around with. Definitely look up the effects this can have on someone as they get older and research it like crazy because making it into something that just holds as a reason for him to be edgy instead of one of the reasons he has trauma are two very different things.
After his abilities emerged when he was roughly eleven or twelve, he was nearly broken, seeing ghosts, badly mutilated and screaming in hysterics. It was instantly apparent that his was useless to the military and he was committed to a mental hospital under the pretense that he was suffering from psychosis.
It took him a few years, but he slowly managed to learn to ignore the spirits around him so he could pass as recovered and be discharged at age 16. In those few years, he became close to one spirit, a poltergeist, who seemed to want to help him. Caspian did what he could while he was hospitalized, wanting Deen free. And the teen, naive for his age, fell in love with the spirit. All wasn’t as it seemed though, and once Deen was free, traveling in hopes of finding somewhere to stay permanently, Caspian turned jealous and vengeful. It ended when the poltergeist physically attacked him. Deen sought the help of a priest who fashioned him a blessed charm to dispell poltergeists in general. He never takes it off, wearing it in the form of a small cross shaped earring.
I’m sorry, but does this imply that torturing human children by making them into test subjects would leave them in any other way than broken and screaming in hysterics? Why would they commit him to a hospital that wasn’t government run by the same group that did this to him? There are a lot of holes here. Doesn’t it make more sense to get rid of the failures through euthanasia than to release them where they could talk about the whole ordeal with people uninvolved? This kid would be HUNTED DOWN AND SHOT before they let this top secret info get out. This could be a very good story idea, actually, because he’d be on the run!! But you should consider changing this a bit.
♦ t r a u m a ♦
To bring his ability forward, Deen was subjected to vivisection. Otherwise know as living dissection. It was the cause of his scars and was preformed without any anesthetic, while he was awake. The only reason he managed to survive was drugs to keep his heart rate from spiking and causing a heart attack. To this day, he is very sensitive to pain and deeply ashamed of the scars. He unconsciously believes they are somehow his own fault.
♦ b e s t m e m o r y ♦
His eighth birthday, spent with his family around a pool. It was the best day of his life.
♦ w o r s t m e m o r y ♦
The aforementioned vivisection
♦ p l a c e o f o r i g i n ♦
Wales
“But at times I wonder, is that all there is to this world? Or is there more. Something I’m failing to see?”
♦ m o t h e r ♦
Edith Maria Grey- Status unknown
♦ f a t h e r ♦
Stephen Edgar Grey- Status unknown
♦ f r i e n d s ♦
He doesn’t have anyone he’d actually call a friend.
♦ p a s t p a r t n e r s ♦
At one point he found himself almost unwillingly falling for a spirit named Caspian. That ended when he used his trust against him.
“If there isn’t, if this is all there is, what’s the point of this existence?”
♦ c o n v e r s a t i o n ♦
“I’m not crazy. I just see things you can’t. There’s a difference.”
♦ m e e t i n g s o m e o n e n e w ♦
“What? Do you need something?”
♦ f l i r t i n g ♦
“Well, I like…the parts of your face covered in skin?”
♦ w h e n a n g r y ♦
“What in the hell are you doing! Get out of here you pest!”
“Do we just go through this meaningless life, and then cease to exist?”
♦ s t a r t e r e x a m p l e ♦
Most people wouldn’t be the least bit tempted to drive out the the middle of nowhere and then hike a mile and a half on a cold and drizzly winter morning. Especially with their only reward being an old cemetery so over grown that even in the middle of winter the headstones, or rather, remnants of headstones, were nearly invisible beneath the bare bushes.
But Dean wasn’t most people. Not by a long shot. So he’d woken early, before dawn actually, to make the journey to the dilapidated bone yard. What drove him to do such a thing he couldn’t have told you, had you bothered ask. He’d never even heard of the old East Wind Cemetery before this morning.
He’d woken from a vivid dream, perhaps a vision. He wouldn’t call it that. But either way, the dream had been so vivid that when he recalled that he’d seen the name of the place on a rusted, but not yet destroyed gate, he felt compelled to search the web for it. And when he found the place to be barely an hour’s drive away, he knew he had to go see what there had been calling to him. The lanky teen didn’t bother packing anything but a notebook, pens and water in his worn backpack for the hike, he wanted to leave as soon as possible. He barely ate anyway, he’d be fine skipping another meal or two. With those few things and his wool coat on hand, he drove.
After the rather wet hike, he made it to the edge of the cemetery without being too worn. He could already feel it. The chill of lingering souls just waiting to accost him, demand of him and wail to him. He saw none yet, but after just a few steps they appeared. A group of them. There were four, perhaps five. He didn’t count, they couldn’t actually hurt him. They all started at once, giving him their issues to try and sort out. He let out a nearly pained sound and covered his ears. “STOP! One of you at a time!” He shouted.
This character was pretty heavily inspired by binge reading Dean Koontz novels. He wasn’t so much based on any one book, as much as his writing in general.
I love Dean Koontz!! Your writing is very good, I like the style and voice you give. This could be a very nice character if you tweak some things and make him just a bit more approachable, and work on the intricacies of the backstory. It’s a good start. That’s all this is. A start. Please keep developing Deen, I’m interested. The longer you work on bits and pieces of his backstory and personality the more you’ll be able to work out the kinks.
Thanks for the submission!!
