Fairbutstern INC.

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[fairbutsternocreviews]

Hey, and actually, you submitted this to us twice, and the second one had some rude gems in it too. 

{yes, i know… not the usual happy, easy-going Australian. 

PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON HOW IT IS NO WHERE NEAR SIMILAR TO THE COMMON STEREOTYPe

No one would ever bring up that you’re stereotyping here unless it was extremely obvious. Stop putting words in our mouths before we’ve even opened them.

i have seriously had enough of that, like, despite the constant “THESE ARE SVESKENA STEREOTYPES!!!!!” in this form. WAY too many people have said something about it}

Maybe if so many people are saying these things about your characters you should actually take them into account instead of getting offended by them. 

{another thing i would prefer no commentary on (that’s a really dumb thing to say in this oh lord); i know that the jacket would most likely make her boiling hot in the Summer. but i had said OCCASIONALLY. a lot of people still wear jeans and the such in Australian Summers; of course, she could always be depicted as wearing shorts…}

Again, no one would say this here. Some people are colder than others in any temperature. I personally always have a hoodie on even if it’s like 80 F.   

• Speaks English fluently, along with a little Italian (attempted to learn it once) {Italian is, as far as i know, the most commonly learnt language in schools and such. 

she would NOT know ANY aboriginal languages

; if you think she would, read over those damn resources you opened up before. non-native Australians themselves usually don’t know that there are multiple Aboriginal languages. 

what the Hell does that say

? really?}

 Hey and you know what I’ve tried to be nice here but!! FUCK YOU!! STOP BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND WRITING OUT AN OFFENDED ARGUMENT BEFORE ONE OF US HAS EVEN SAID SOMETHING. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, LIKE HONESTLY WHY ARE YOU SO PREOFFENDED??

We always suggest our users make use of the Mary Sue Litmus test. One of the biggest red flags on that test are those boxes that ask if you’re offended if someone doesn’t like your character, if you think they only don’t like them because they’re jealous or because they don’t get your character, and asking if the test, which is a form of critique (and does ask if stereotyping is a thing, mind you) has insulted your character thus far. 

There’s also the one that asks if you use your characters as tools rather than babies or friends. 

I’m leaving this at that. This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to be preemptively yelled at for doing you a goddamn favor. Get your priorities straight and grow up. 

[fairbutsternocreviews]

{hello! i apologize for the resubmits, but the forms i had sent in before are now out of date. sorry!} {KEY: any text that is in “{}" are notes by me. please REMOVE EVERYTHING IN ”{}“ before the critique is published! characters with an asterisk next to their first name (in the first mention of them only) is a trans* character} {ANOTHER THING–PLEASE READ THROUGH THE FORM AND OPEN UP SOME RELIABLE RESOURCES ON DENMARK & AUSTRALIA BEFORE DOING ANY CRITIQUING. THANK YOU!} {read though them} {Sveskena is not Swedish, by the way. if something is Sveskena, it is something that comes from Nya Sverige… the micronation, ofc. there are no other works concerning Sveskena stereotypes other than this.} {yes. there is barely a reason as to why each character has to keep up a human identity, why they can die, /why births are so damn complicated/, et cetera. but, you’re not here to harp on about that; you’re here to harp on about the characters. je, thank you again… ALTHOUGH, i will state that there are a few characters that make fake identification throughout the webcomic. a handful of characters get governmental-approved IDs, though it is very troubling. of course, almost every anthro will run when people start getting suspicious on how they never had aged. a few have been killed due to human’s suspicions, even.} {one last note: DO NOT call mirenaj ”APH“. ok, ‘cause, you know? different titles? hey hey hey, maybe they’re different?}

{___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________}

Fandom: Mirenaj {characters are anthropomorphisms, mainly based on SVESKENA stereotypes. "anthropomorphism” is nicknamed to “anthro” throughout this form.} Creation date: July, 2013 Time setting of character: January, 2014 Name: Merete Riber Nielsen {RIBER and NIELSEN are both last names} {due to that picking a given name for someone based on the name’s 'meaning’ is considered taboo in my nation, i will not even CONSIDER writing what the name MERETE 'means’. it is not worthwhile in the SLIGHTEST. RIBER means 'from Ribe’ (many Danish last names will work like that). Ribe is close to where merete was actually born & not where she currently claims to be from, and the oldest town in Denmark. NIELSEN is a patronymic, which is in relevance to her father’s name (nereiðr), which obviously had to be modernized, thus leading to NIELSEN… she simply refers to him as 'niels’ now, too (i find it plain in sight that whenever she had to talk about it, saying an Old Norse name would draw very much attention… so saying “why does she call him niels” will not do much good).} Other names: Móeiðr Nereiðardóttir (400 AD-1104 AD), Merete Riber Nielsdatter (1104 AD-1837 AD), Mette (nickname received from multiple people), Daisy (nickname received from Maja{ Marie Ludvigsen (Christiania)}), Marine Laura Fisker Sørensen (alias), Dana Smed Christensen (alias), rita Rømer Simonsen, Denmark, Den/Dan (nickname), Danmǫrk (400 AD-803 AD){“Denmark” in Old Norse}, Danmark (803 AD-present) {“Denmark” in Old East Norse dialect, Old Danish, to modern Danish} {currently, there are only aliases she has used since the 1840s.} Personality: She is a good listener and almost always tries to maintain a mature attitude. She easily becomes stressed, and usually smokes when under pressure. Around people she has known for a good while, she is quite outgoing and enjoys sharing her own opinions, though when first meeting anyone, she is rather reserved–it is easily mistaken as shyness. She will often aim to receive people’s approval, and hides the fact as well as she can, as the thought of someone finding out seems embarrassing to her. Other than smoking when stressed, another bad habit of hers is never looking people in the eyes when talking; even with the few people she feels most comfortable with, she will make no direct eye contact. {i know not looking people in the eye usually means that they have something to hide. it is meant to be like that, as it is a reference of her trying to hide what she has done in the past (such as her early viking years… as one of the most notable times she would prefer unsaid).} {i’m still working on this, too… ah, it seems so plain.} Appearance: She has shoulder-length, wavy dark blonde hair that is usually tied up in a high bun, and light blue eyes. Her skin is lightly tanned, and for the most part, rather clear{such as many other nations; along with being immortal, their average health is higher than normal humans, and they heal at a faster rate}. Her height is 170.18 cm, weighs 68 kg, and her body is rectangular-shaped. She is slim. She has two scars; one halfway across her right collarbone, another across her right knee. The scar on her knee is less visible than the one on her collarbone, due to it being not as deep and older. There is also a single brown mole on the inside of her left high thigh, and two more near her mid-spine on both sides of her back. She wears a white business shirt with the sleeves pushed up to her elbows, a light brown vest, light brown trousers (sometimes a brown, mid-thigh skirt), plain white ankle socks, and a pair of lace up, brown leather boots. Her scars are almost always covered up with makeup. {what the scars are from are still undecided, though it is unlikely for either of them to come from any blades.} Relatives: Nereiðr inn gamli/'Niels Riber Nielsen’{pretty much Denmark before the viking Era… he had lived through a bit of the viking Era, but after a while, he had died, due to someone else (merete) being in his place [as an anthro]. INN GAMLI is his byname (usually something not very kind, used only by others without the knowledge of whoever they were talking about… many people did not know of their byname. INN GAMLI means 'the old’, due to him looking older than of his claimed age.}{also, the full explanation of births in mirenaj is a little more lengthy, but in some cases, the new child will replace the anthro/one of the anthro parents} (father, deceased), Ásgauta Agnadóttir (human) (mother, deceased), Maja Marie Ludvigsen (daughter), Naaja Nanni Gertrud Fisker Nielsen (Greenland) ('adoptive daughter’{–nothing is official (due to the two having to keep up a human identity), though they state their relation as that to other anthros}), Ole Gustafsson (Skåne) (son {now in custody of helena Gustafsson (Sweden)}) Close friends: Cecilie Eriksen (Norway), Lydia Wright (Australia), Emily Johnson (USA) Enemies, strained relations, and rivals: Heinrich Eichel (Prussia) (enemies,{though there are occasional occurrences where the two are depicted as being friendly to one another}), Yasemin Değirmencioğlu (Turkey), Faris Dawud Muhammad (Syria) {the relations between yasemin & merete, and faris & merete have been rocky since the Muhammad cartoons crisis.} {there will probably be a few more people later on, because i haven’t made many Muslim anthros yet…} Other information:

• Speaks Danish and English fluently, along with a fair bit of German • Speaks with a light Danish accent {in reference to her want for people to approve/accept her… as she had eventually taught herself to lose most of her accent. it was originally based on the (possibly untrue) fact that a lot of young Danes don’t have much of an accent (ofc there is more of a story, ha), but i’d changed it a few months ago, because i wasn’t too sure on it… ah, i could of done way better on this, but i wanted to keep the voice i had for her originally had for her… as bad as that is for a character like this.} • Claims to be born on 5/6/1987 • Actual age is over 1, 600 years old {the date, month, and a defined year have not been sorted out yet, though it has a high chance of not being in relevance of any significant dates. ofc, most of the anthros wouldn’t be born exactly on a date that could be significant, anyway… especially one that hasn’t happened… it’s utterly illogical.} • Received the scar on her collarbone from the German Invasion of Denmark, which was during WWII (1940) {scar was personally given by christine Herz (Germany). uhh, in most ofmirenaj’s interpretations of wars/battles, when one gets a scar (from defeat, near defeat, the battle being tough in general, et cetera), it is from the anthros of the country(s) that their people were fighting against. in some cases it doesn’t go like that, but in most, it does.} • Received the scar on her knee from the Second Schleswig War (1846) {i’m not too sure if the scar should be from katja Fuchs (Austria) or heinrich Eichel, but it was from either of them.} {NEITHER of the scars were from a battlefield. idk if you noticed, but i hadn’t mentioned that either of the anthros had to be in their country’s armies, or anything like that, to of inflicted any pain or damage to the other anthro (in earlier times many wouldn’t of actually been allowed to join militaries, anyway).} • Openly pansexual and panromantic • Has a fear of doing something bad whilst drunk, or something bad happening to her whilst she is drunk {i haven’t yet figured out a reason for this, it once did have a reason, though… i had to change it though, because i got rid of the idea that there would be two anthros per nation. i’m not too sure if the original reason would even tie well with Denmark, as then i didn’t do that much research, so… uh, i’d prefer not to note any of my silly cutsey-Japanese-animation-chicks-that’s-all-we-need days…} • Has a fear of falling from high places {in reference to most of Denmark being flatland} • Is in contact with her children{not as personally with naaja, as naaja isn’t so fond of merete}, though never mentions anything about any of them being related unless asked by another anthro • Good at cycling • Enjoys watching soccer (and on the occasion, playing) • Often talks in her sleep • Likes reading, especially fairytales such as The Little Mermaid, The Troll’s Daughter, and Thumbelina • Trying to stop smoking, and is going OK • Her most recent job was a relief history teaching, though had quit about eight months ago • Lives in Copenhagen, alone (human AU; Sydney, along with Lydia, Maja, Anne{ Wright, Hutt River}, and Philip{ Wright, Wy}{lydia and merete are a married couple in the human AU. naaja had moved out and gone back to Greenland (where merete had adopted her) before lydia and merete had gotten married. aaaaaah, also… they had met and married in Denmark. gay marriage is still illegal in all states of in Australia…} {they’re a couple in the human AU due to the marriage of prince frederik and princess mary, by the way.}) • Lutheran Christian (religious beliefs)

Hey so. 

I’m not removing your extremely rude notes to the mods like you asked me to at the beginning of the post. Instead, I’m critiquing how you submitted this. 

any text that is in “{}" are notes by me. please REMOVE EVERYTHING IN ”{}“ before the critique is published!

A lot of the notes you have in this format are actually kind of relevant to people reading through your character info which is hard enough to follow as is. Not to mention the way it’s formatted is extremely hard to tell what to delete and what not to.

{one last note: DO NOT call mirenaj ”APH“. ok, ‘cause, you know? different titles? hey hey hey, maybe they’re different?}  

This is a quick note that submitting things like this to critique blogs mean you’re not paying us to do this. This is a favor we do for you guys for free and to help you.

{ANOTHER THING–PLEASE READ THROUGH THE FORM AND OPEN UP SOME RELIABLE RESOURCES ON DENMARK & AUSTRALIA BEFORE DOING ANY CRITIQUING. THANK YOU!} {read though them}

So don’t be a dick about it. Don’t tell me what I CAN AND CANNOT talk about within my critique. Don’t limit me and force me to do research I already would have done if you hadn’t been such an ass about it. 

Don’t tell me how to do my job--which I’m doing for you. AS. A. FAVOR. 

YOU ARE NOT PAYING ME TO DO THIS. THIS IS NOT A JOB THAT YOU GET TO SET RULES FOR. YOU’RE NOT MY BOSS. Senpai mod DOES get paid to critique and edit writing for people who have published books. This isn’t my first rodeo. 

{yes. there is barely a reason as to why each character has to keep up a human identity, why they can die, /why births are so damn complicated/, et cetera. but, you’re not here to harp on about that; you’re here to harp on about the characters. je, thank you again…

FOR REAL MY DUDE? The whole reason characters have to be critiqued is so that they fit within a world they exist in. Preemptively talking about my critique as if it’s “harping”. Then why the FUCK did you submit it in the first place? 

{due to that picking a given name for someone based on the name’s 'meaning’ is considered taboo in my nation, i will not even CONSIDER writing what the name MERETE 'means’. it is not worthwhile in the SLIGHTEST.

I do not require you to do this. I don’t understand why you think you have to defend yourself that you don’t care about what a character’s name means. In all honesty, I don’t either unless it has a place within your canon that name meanings are important to the culture. You’re preoffended at something I would never even complain about. 

So here’s the deal. I like these characters. In fact I’m very interested in them and I like a lot of what you’ve told me about them--I like it a lot. It’s super interesting. 

HOWEVER. When you come into a situation being rude and unapproachable, entitled to my help as if you should be able to police the way I discuss your characters when you’re submitting them to me for me to discuss, I draw issue. 

I don’t know if something’s lost in translation here, but this does not come across as if you want my help. 

[fairbutsternocreviews]

Deen Grey

Could I possibly get a critique on this RP OC I’ve been working on? Warning for a LONG bio and brief mentions of some pretty intense torture.

~~~~~

♦ Deen Grey ♦

“I’m not who I used to be. Not who I’m meant to be.”

♦ b a s i c ♦

“Why do I exist?”

♦ f u l l n a m e ♦ Deen James Grey

♦ n i c k n a m e s ♦ Spook, Dee

♦ g e n d e r ♦ Cis Male

♦ a g e ♦ 19

♦ s p e c i e s ♦ Human

♦ p o w e r s & a b i l i t i e s ♦ Deen can see and speak to the dead who’ve yet to pass on. He hasn’t ever actually seen someone pass on, so he has his doubts that it ever happens. He can’t turn off his ability, and sees ghosts nearly everywhere he goes. The ability wasn’t one that came naturally, it was forcibly learned.

♦ s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n ♦ Demisexual

♦ r o m a n t i c o r i e n t a t i o n ♦ Homoromantic

♦ b i r t h d a y ♦ August 30th

Hey, Yani-Senpai here!! I’ll take care of this one for you. He shares my birthday!!

♦ m e n t a l a g e ♦ 22-27

♦ t h e m e s o n g s ♦ • Ghost Town- First Aid Kit • Rising, Rising- Crywolf • No Culture- Mother Mother

♦ f a c e c l a i m ♦ Iyden James

♦ v o i c e c l a i m ♦ Basically like Billy Bob Thornton as Lorne Malvo from the television series, Fargo. You can easily find examples on YouTube.

♦ u n i v e r s e / s e t t i n g ♦ Modern day with a touch of alternate history and super natural. Setting can be any city or town really.

♦ a p p e a r a n c e ♦

♦ h e i g h t ♦ 5'10"

♦ w e i g h t ♦ 124lbs

♦ b o d y t y p e ♦ Tall and lanky, underweight due to his lack of appetite.

♦ r a c e / e t h n i c i t y ♦ Welsh/English

♦ s k i n t o n e ♦ Pale, more often than not has a sickly tint

♦ h a i r c o l o r ♦ Lackluster Black

♦ h a i r s t y l e ♦ Short-ish with a natural flip to his bangs. Generally very unkempt and messy.

♦ e y e c o l o r ♦ Sage green, intense and piercing

♦ e y e s h a p e ♦ Typical European round shape, often narrowed in mistrust or disgust. He generally has dark circles under his from exhaustion

♦ t a t t o o s / p i e r c i n g s ♦ Both ears are pierced twice, no tattoos

♦ d i s t i n g u i s h i n g f e a t u r e s ♦ There’s a large Y shaped scar on his chest, very much like an autopsy incision. The scars are well faded and darker than his normal skin tone.

♦ c l o t h i n g s t y l e ♦ Seemingly uncaring about his appearance, he’ll wear basically whatever he can find in his closet that’s clean. Often its very dark colors or monotone black and greys. He very rarely goes without a worn black tweed button up coat on no matter the weather. He’s highly uncomfortable showing much skin around people he doesn’t know well.

Please be very careful with characters that seem this dark and upset all the time. They’re very unlikable as people in general and in an rp it’s concerning to me that some people may dislike him purely on the fact that he’s very unapproachable. Remember that people HAVE to judge him on his demeanor first. They don’t know him like you know him. 

♦ p e r s o n a l ♦

♦ l i k e s ♦ • Alternative music and bands • Sleeping through the day • Taxidermy • Renaissance era and surrealistic paintings

♦ d i s l i k e s ♦ • Pop, country and very up beat music • Loud noises, places and people • Most birds • Horror movies or books

♦ f e a r s ♦ Most birds, though he’s okay with very small ones such as sparrows and finches.

♦ r e l i g i o n ♦ He’s not religious nor is he against religion. He’s just indifferent.

♦ s t r e n g t h s ♦ • Intelligent- Though he often tries to hide the fact his IQ is above average, he is very intelligent and a natural born student • Steadfast in his beliefs- regardless of what others think, he stands firm behind what he believes while not belittling others for disagreeing • A good listener- While he usually doesn’t know what to say in response, he’s the type who can always be counted on the listen to whatever you need to say. Though whether or not he’ll believe a word of it is another story. • Even tempered- He’s very hard to anger to anger or mildly upset. But because it takes something serious to cause his upset, the anger is proportionate. One exception is physical pain. That never fails to easily upset him. • Kind at heart- He can often come across as cold or uncaring because he doesn’t show much outward emotion, but he really is kind and caring. His past just makes it difficult to trust anyone enough to express that he cares.

It’s very important for you to consider the IQ height!! It always comes across almost elitist. It’s much better to describe a character as studious. Even just saying he’s a natural born student is a better way to word it than slapping a number on him. 

Be careful with being steadfast in his beliefs “while not belittling others for disagreeing”. This sounds easy on the surface, but as it stands, is harder in practice, especially in an RP setting. Many will attempt to argue it despite the character’s personality traits. Not saying this is bad, just saying it’s important to keep a watch on how you write it. That said, everyone has a breaking point when their beliefs are challenged or made fun of! don’t make him too benevolent. 

The same goes with even tempered-ness. EVERYONE has a breaking point. Saying that physical pain is his breaking point is just untrue, because frankly, that’s not how people work. Eventually, someone has a bad day and will blow up. Even tempers only last so long. 

Trust issues and caring characters don’t go as hand in hand as you might think. Unfortunately, if someone doesn’t show outward emotion, his kind caring nature doesn’t mean anything or matter to anyone he interacts with. Consider, that the way this describes him, if someone were to come to him upset about a problem, his standoffishness and trust issues would lead him not to respond to them in any way other than to push them away or seem indifferent, keeping them from returning. Whether he cares about them inwardly doesn’t matter if they don’t see his caring nature, and it would seem out of character for him to suddenly start paying attention to problems of others if he doesn’t do a lot of interaction in the first place. 

♦ w e a k n e s s e s ♦

• Recklessly impulsive- acts on his first instinct, often getting him into trouble. • Socially awkward- He’s very awkward when it comes to speaking with the living. Sometimes even with the dead. • Wary to trust- Once you earn his trust, he won’t abandon your side. But his trust is a difficult thing to earn. He keeps most people at arm’s length. • Easily frightened- You’d expect someone who sees ghosts, often mutilated, to be a bit braver. He’s a coward though, nearly afraid of his own shadow. • Holds a grudge- He’s not quick to forgive. If you manage end up on his bad side, you’re going to have to do something major to make up for it.

You say he’s kindhearted but he holds grudges. That doesn’t...really work? Kindhearted people don’t just decide to be angry and stay that way. More often those with good natures tend to consider the other side primarily--in fact it’ll more often than not become a problem as they won’t view a problem as someone else’s fault in any context--everything comes back to how they mutually hurt each other. Most kind hearts don’t hold grudges because they want to breed a setting of trust and good feelings. 

♦ h a b i t s ♦ • Smoker • Often skips meals • An occasional drinker • Bites his lips when he’s thinking

♦ g o a l s ♦ Long-term- Find a decent job and manage to keep it, Hopefully find some way to dispel the curse that makes him see ghosts. Short-term- Get a cat.

♦ p e r s o n a l i t y ♦

♦ b e s t q u a l i t y ♦ His even temper and disposition

♦ w o r s t q u a l i t y ♦ His pessimistic and distrustful nature

♦ f l a w s ♦ •Unwillingness to trust •Cowardice that often keeps him from reaching his potential

♦ d e f i n i n g t r a i t s ♦ • Pessimistic • Seemingly aloof and uncaring • Quiet, usually very reserved • Wary and almost suspicious of others

You seem to be putting a lot of issues as his inability to trust people. Please consider that that’s something that was caused by things done to him, and are not traits intrinsic to him. Not to mention, not trusting people right off the bat is not really a bad thing. Many people do it and it’s not really a bad trait for them. 

♦ q u i r k s ♦ • Fear of most birds- He has no traumatic event that’s the cause of this fear. Something about the way they move just unnerves him. • Annoyed by certain phrases- People who consistently use the phrases ‘needless to say’ and 'meanwhile’ really tend to annoy him. He can’t explain exactly why, just that it drives him a little nuts.

♦ c o n f i d e n c e ♦ He’s not at all very confident

When someone nitpicks the way I talk or the way other people around him talks, that’s a sure sign that I hate their guts. Not because it’s just something about him I don’t like, but because it’s a sure sign he’s judgmental and thinks he’s better. Just be careful. 

♦ p o s t u r e ♦ Usually slouched, almost huddled in on himself as if expecting the worst at any moment

♦ a l i g n m e n t ♦ Lawful Neutral

♦ p a s t ♦

“Despair is familiar to me.”

♦ b a c k s t o r y ♦ Deen had known he was a bit different from most kids from a very young age. He was born to scientist parents and raised to excel in any field he might choose to enter. Unfortunately, his parents were recruited by a up in coming government official with an interest in the darker sides of research. Deen ended up living in a research compound with his now mostly absentee parents.

He’s not exactly sure how it happened, but eventually he was lumped in with other test subjects used to test the limits of the human body and bring forth unique and tactically advantageous abilities. Often these expiremints took the form of some sort of torture or forced near death experience.

This is already concerning because it hits a few cliches. Child abuse and neglect is not to be messed around with. Definitely look up the effects this can have on someone as they get older and research it like crazy because making it into something that just holds as a reason for him to be edgy instead of one of the reasons he has trauma are two very different things. 

After his abilities emerged when he was roughly eleven or twelve, he was nearly broken, seeing ghosts, badly mutilated and screaming in hysterics. It was instantly apparent that his was useless to the military and he was committed to a mental hospital under the pretense that he was suffering from psychosis.

It took him a few years, but he slowly managed to learn to ignore the spirits around him so he could pass as recovered and be discharged at age 16. In those few years, he became close to one spirit, a poltergeist, who seemed to want to help him. Caspian did what he could while he was hospitalized, wanting Deen free. And the teen, naive for his age, fell in love with the spirit. All wasn’t as it seemed though, and once Deen was free, traveling in hopes of finding somewhere to stay permanently, Caspian turned jealous and vengeful. It ended when the poltergeist physically attacked him. Deen sought the help of a priest who fashioned him a blessed charm to dispell poltergeists in general. He never takes it off, wearing it in the form of a small cross shaped earring.

I’m sorry, but does this imply that torturing human children by making them into test subjects would leave them in any other way than broken and screaming in hysterics? Why would they commit him to a hospital that wasn’t government run by the same group that did this to him? There are a lot of holes here. Doesn’t it make more sense to get rid of the failures through euthanasia than to release them where they could talk about the whole ordeal with people uninvolved? This kid would be HUNTED DOWN AND SHOT before they let this top secret info get out. This could be a very good story idea, actually, because he’d be on the run!! But you should consider changing this a bit. 

♦ t r a u m a ♦ To bring his ability forward, Deen was subjected to vivisection. Otherwise know as living dissection. It was the cause of his scars and was preformed without any anesthetic, while he was awake. The only reason he managed to survive was drugs to keep his heart rate from spiking and causing a heart attack. To this day, he is very sensitive to pain and deeply ashamed of the scars. He unconsciously believes they are somehow his own fault.

♦ b e s t m e m o r y ♦ His eighth birthday, spent with his family around a pool. It was the best day of his life.

♦ w o r s t m e m o r y ♦ The aforementioned vivisection

♦ p l a c e o f o r i g i n ♦ Wales

♦ r e l a t i o n s ♦

“But at times I wonder, is that all there is to this world? Or is there more. Something I’m failing to see?”

♦ m o t h e r ♦ Edith Maria Grey- Status unknown

♦ f a t h e r ♦ Stephen Edgar Grey- Status unknown

♦ s i b l i n g s ♦ N/A

♦ f r i e n d s ♦ He doesn’t have anyone he’d actually call a friend.

♦ p a r t n e r ♦ N/A

♦ p a s t p a r t n e r s ♦ At one point he found himself almost unwillingly falling for a spirit named Caspian. That ended when he used his trust against him.

♦ d i a l o g ♦

“If there isn’t, if this is all there is, what’s the point of this existence?”

♦ c o n v e r s a t i o n ♦ “I’m not crazy. I just see things you can’t. There’s a difference.”

♦ m e e t i n g s o m e o n e n e w ♦ “What? Do you need something?”

♦ f l i r t i n g ♦ “Well, I like…the parts of your face covered in skin?”

♦ w h e n a n g r y ♦ “What in the hell are you doing! Get out of here you pest!”

♦ e x t r a ♦

“Do we just go through this meaningless life, and then cease to exist?”

♦ s t a r t e r e x a m p l e ♦

Most people wouldn’t be the least bit tempted to drive out the the middle of nowhere and then hike a mile and a half on a cold and drizzly winter morning. Especially with their only reward being an old cemetery so over grown that even in the middle of winter the headstones, or rather, remnants of headstones, were nearly invisible beneath the bare bushes.

But Dean wasn’t most people. Not by a long shot. So he’d woken early, before dawn actually, to make the journey to the dilapidated bone yard. What drove him to do such a thing he couldn’t have told you, had you bothered ask. He’d never even heard of the old East Wind Cemetery before this morning.

He’d woken from a vivid dream, perhaps a vision. He wouldn’t call it that. But either way, the dream had been so vivid that when he recalled that he’d seen the name of the place on a rusted, but not yet destroyed gate, he felt compelled to search the web for it. And when he found the place to be barely an hour’s drive away, he knew he had to go see what there had been calling to him. The lanky teen didn’t bother packing anything but a notebook, pens and water in his worn backpack for the hike, he wanted to leave as soon as possible. He barely ate anyway, he’d be fine skipping another meal or two. With those few things and his wool coat on hand, he drove.

After the rather wet hike, he made it to the edge of the cemetery without being too worn. He could already feel it. The chill of lingering souls just waiting to accost him, demand of him and wail to him. He saw none yet, but after just a few steps they appeared. A group of them. There were four, perhaps five. He didn’t count, they couldn’t actually hurt him. They all started at once, giving him their issues to try and sort out. He let out a nearly pained sound and covered his ears. “STOP! One of you at a time!” He shouted.

This character was pretty heavily inspired by binge reading Dean Koontz​ novels. He wasn’t so much based on any one book, as much as his writing in general.

I love Dean Koontz!! Your writing is very good, I like the style and voice you give. This could be a very nice character if you tweak some things and make him just a bit more approachable, and work on the intricacies of the backstory. It’s a good start. That’s all this is. A start. Please keep developing Deen, I’m interested. The longer you work on bits and pieces of his backstory and personality the more you’ll be able to work out the kinks. 

Thanks for the submission!! 

[fairbutsternocreviews]

OC critics need to remember that oc's are often written into AUs, because it's simply much more polite and healthy to state "this is what would happen if we added my character in" instead of "the series would be better if this character was in it so this is the new timeline". 

This doesn't give writers reason to start changing obnoxiously huge details, of course. However, it is possible that by adding a character in, small details may change, and that's fine. So long as it's done with enough skill and care so as not to shit all over the original creation. 

This has been Yani's critic help

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hey baby bees!! ive been gone for a really long time because of technical difficulties, but i'm back and about to start work again~!

- Mod C

[fairbutsternocreviews]

sorry about the amount of time it's taking me to get that review done! I've been really busy lately, and it may be a couple more weeks before I have time to sit down and do it!

So I guess this is a makeshift hiatus? So sorry! 

[deviantartwhy]

Character Description:

SHE IS IMMORTAL AND CAN SHAPESHIFT AND KNOWS EVERYTHING AND CAN HELP PEOLE IN NEED!!!1 AND SHE HAS 40 SISTERS AND HER PARENTS DIED AND SHE IS THE OLDEST AND WAS BORN IN 18/18/2018!!111111 AND NOW SHEES ON A QUESTEST FOR THE GIANT EGG PATTY THAT KILLED HER PERINTS AND SHE AND HER SISTERS TOLD HER TO EAT RADIOACTIVE GLUE AND THEN SHE CHECKED OU TTHE PRISON BUS AN D SHE BREATHED IN THHE CHEMICALD!!111[10:52:18 AM] Soul: AND BEST OF ALL SHE WATCHED B MOVE AND PANTED HERSELF YELLOW BECAUSE SHE LOVED IT SO MUCH AND THEN SHE BECAME A PRINCESS AND NOW SHE IS A RADIOACTIVE PRINCESS OF MAGIC AND DARK MAGIC AND CAKE AND SHE NEVER GETS SICK BECAUSE SHE IS CURSED BY THE MAGIC EGG PATTY AND THEYAND HSHE TOLD ME THAT SHE CAN TURN INTO MY SADNESS AND HSE AND TERLL U YOUR FUTURE BECAUSE SHE CAN TIME TRAVEL SSHE IS SANICS BROTHER AND SISTER AND CAN RUN FASTER AND FLY FASTER THEN HE EVER COUULD[10:57:17 AM] Soul: AND THE DARK RED ON HER BODY IS BLOODY SCARS FROM BATTLES!!11and OH I FIVEGOT SHE IS PART WHEEPING ANGEL SND SHE IS A TIMEPORD AND A POKEMON AND A SANIC AN DFURRY AND A DALEK SHE IS ALSO BEST FRINEDS WITH FINN AND JAKE AND PROTECTS THEM ON THIER JOURNEYS[11:02:15 AM] Soul: AND NEEVR FEELS PAIN OR GETS HURT AND SHE CAN SPELL THE WORD HI IN .00000000000000000000000000000000000001 OF A SECOND AND CAN RUN TO THE MOON AND BACK IN .4 OF A SECOND AND IS PART BIRD, CORQI, CAT, BIRD, CAT, WOLF, HEDGEHOG, FOX, CAT, FOX, BEE. SHE ALSO KNOWS KUNG-FU AND JUJITSU AND CAN KARATE CHOP SHIT AND CAN HAVE SUPER STREANGTH AND LIVE FOR RWEJKROWIUO4IU5O43U3O5J35N34N53K4JN5KNK5J3N45KJ34H5KJ34N 5JK5BJK3B5K34N5JKN5JKN54JK5NJK345N3JK5NJK5N34J5KN54JK+ YEARS AND IS NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING AND IS REALLY NICE AND IS TWALOT SPERKLES BEST FRIEND AND IS NOT PERFECT, FOR SHE HAS A DARK SIDE, BUT SHE CAN CONTROL IT AND DOESN’T EVER GO INSANE AND ALWAYS CARRIES MEDICIENE WITH HER SO SHE CAN HEAL HER INJURED FRIENDS— O WAIT, THEY CAN’T GET HURT EITHER!! AND SHE IS VERY POOPULAR AT SCHOOL AND ALWAYS WINS AND NEFUR LOOSES. SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE PLEASES UNTIL EGGMAN TAKES SANIC AND POOPS ON HIM SHE CRIES AND SAVES HIM AND SAYS STAHP TOUCHING MY BOYFRIEND BROTHER U BIG STUPID MEANIE!!11 AND EGGMAN CRIES AND THINKS ABOUT HIS SAD, PATHETIC LIFE, AND HOW UNMARY SUE HE IS AND WANTS TO BE LIKE HER SHE IS ON THE COVER OF EVERY FASHON MAGAZINE AND EVERYONE IN EVERY GALAXY WANTS TO BE HER. THE REASON THERE ARE ZOMBIES IS BECAUSE THEY ALL WANT TO BE HER SO THEY TAKE THIER ANGER OUT ON US!!!1 AND THE ALIENS INVADE EARTH BECAUSE SHE LIVES HERE AND THEY WANT TO CAAPTURE HER (WHITCH WILL NEFUR HAPPEN TBH) AND CLONE HER SO THERE IS W953484U5O43IHKHRJKTHREKJTHKETHKEJRJHK VERSIONS OF HER AND THE WORLD WILL LIVE.

my friend’s sonic oc

[fairbutsternocreviews]

I'm

[fairbutsternocreviews]

I know OC/canon tends to be highly frowned upon as a red flag, but if it's done well, and I mean REALLY well, can it garner support? I'm working on a character based from the unnamed wife another canon character had in their main book into the movie, but I wanted to be sure, because she might end up here for review...;;;;

I've always written it, and I've put my ocs through every test. I don't see any problem with OC/Canon pairings. 

If written in character, and issues occur along with everything else in a relationship, then I don't see why it's not like any other interaction between canon and oc characters. 

--Mod Y

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PSA: If you create a world and then model the character to work around said world and call it "well prepared" this character is a mary sue. 

Because you still made the world and you ALSO made it so the character could never fail (or fails very little) that makes you unwilling to stand the fact that your character might have faults. 

Stupid mistakes are mistakes yes, but more often than not they're excuses. 

[fairbutsternocreviews]

human doctor who oc advice?

you'll never hear me say this with another fandom ever.

Self insert. 

That's right. 

Use yourself as a model. Include your faults, biases, and strengths. Use someone you know. 

Make them human. Because humans are wonderful, wonderful, flawed beings. 

--Mod Y

[fairbutsternocreviews]

any mod is okay.

Mod-Y will be taking care of this then. Hello. owo

I had to do some research to figure out what this is for, so if everyone could be specific in telling me what's going on with fandoms and such, that'd be key. It saves me time, is all. 

http://winnerstournament.deviantart.com/

Appears to be the group it's for, and it's for an anime called "Battle B-Daman". I remember I kind of watched it as a kid and it was sort of similar to beyblade, I think. I'm not sure on anything in this world at this point and it's difficult to rate this oc. I'll try my best, but it'll be a focus on basic character types.

Name:: LENOIR Lily Age:: 17 (season 1) 18 (season 2) Gender:: female Race:: Human Alias:: Black rose Affinity:: Bad girl D: (season 1) Good (season 2) Voice Actor:: None. Seiyuu:: Sayaka Ohara (Erza scarlett no seiyuu >ww

From here I had to copypaste the rest of the information from your deviantart page, which I had to find. Please try to make our jobs easy as possible when reviewing your ocs and put all information needed directly in your submission. 

Personality:: She’s a real tsundere when she sees someone she likes, but she’s very intelligent and she’s loyal. She can do a plan very quickly to win. She is clumsy by nature.

It's not difficult to describe a character as tsundere and have it act as a catch all. Otherwise, this has plots, no real contradictions, and looks pretty good.

B-daman:: Lunar 7 Type:: Rapid fire and Balance B-da ball Color:: White Special Attack:: Moon's Judgement  Her special attack is make her b-daballs goes very fast during one minute

This looks to not be very overpowered, so good. 

Strike Shot:: Lightness shot •Weight:: 1 •Speed:: 6 •Power:: 2 •Attack Distance:: 2 •Attack Range:: 1

Same goes for here. 

Ability:: The strike shot can low the opponent’s visibility during 7 seconds and white smoke appears when Lily shot the strike shot. So she can shoot to the opponent without problem. You may say that’s easy for her but she has a harm: That she low her power of the attack during the 7 seconds of the stike shot.

Good, very good!

Found:: From her dream: in her dream she had to b-dabattle Joe, his lover, she wins barely and he gave to her the strike shot he kisses her too >w< Kawaii nee ?

ok ow please don't use broken Japanese throughout your profiles, but especially in your story. It's just a bad idea and makes you look mary-sue no matter what. 

I don't fully know what's going on with characters and such, so I'll just default and say you need to make sure your canons don't go out of character.

Description:: contrary to her white b-daballs her strike shoot is grey and a bit shiny.  Battle B-Daman:: Her dark side got the upper side so she was ally with Shadow Alliance, she was apart from the WINNERS because of making a plan with the member of the SA. In the lastest episode Lily became normal after Alucard goes outside of her mind and explain what happend , him and her goes to help Yamato and the others and explain what happened really.

If dark sides are common in the series among those who aren't just main characters, then this is acceptable. If NOT, then I'd suggest you nix the idea of a dark side to a character.  Careful of the rule that she should not know more about things than the canons, or become the center of the main story. 

Season 2:: She appears after Joe “died” to find how he dies and who did that. She’s allied to Yamato and the others to help them to the Winners. Trivia:: (Random facts about your character you wish to share! try to have at least 5~) • She hits Joe even he tries to make her blush ( she’s a Tsundere after all) • She is a famous singer in the B-daworld • She always wanted a little sister • She have a Dark side called Dark Lily ( that side is related by Alucard De La Loire my other OC )

• Her real aim of B-dabattle is to find her mom’s secret ( that she were a singer too)

Overall, I'll have to give this a 7/10. I think she needs some work. I highly suggest you take a look at the Mary-sue Litmus test. Feel free to bring her back once you do!  --Mod-Y

[fairbutsternocreviews]

To Mod-Y

I'm sorry that this took a little longer than it should.  I have to take classes and eventually go to my first job.

It's fine, I've got another review to work on, and you should take as long as you need to make an oc. 

So here are some plans that may work for ol' Willman: 1. Diego and his family live in a conservative Christan town and they all deal with some crap because of their Moralibrian religion.  I will be researching some history about how Christians back in the medieval ages treat other non-Christians, mainly the Pagans, to make this realistic.  I may develop the religion's history and then add some exclusive holidays.

A very good idea! That actually looks pretty solid. 

2. Diego is bullied for the religion and then his homosexuality.  He drops out and moves away to get a GED.

That's much better than switching schools. Much more realistic. 

3. Diego deals with the slow-growing insanity that could be dangerous.

This is a much better alternative to the split personality. 

4. If you have seen the other men on that page, there was one that was still developing and he is named Dave Hopkins.  He will be modified heavily to help with the story as that kind of hero that appears like a villain (is there a term for that?).

That's called an antihero, I believe. 

I should have mentioned this when I submitted Diego for the critique, but I plan on making this an anti bullying story aimed for teenagers.  The problem seems to go unsolved and I wanted to make something that says, "This is an issue and it needs to be dealt with" because I was a bully victim myself.  I won't be mad if these idea don't perfect the character;  It may take some time to make something that works as well as the other literary classics like "To Kill a Mockingbird."

Overall, I think it makes him a lot better! The fine details are more realistic. I applaud this much work so quickly! It's a good idea. I wish you luck!!

[fairbutsternocreviews]

I came up with a thing for my character, Diego Willman. Can I share it to see if it will work?

Sure thing! It'll go in the WIP drafts, and I've got one more I'm still working on, but I'll get to it! 

That goes for anyone! You can always send us a new version of your character for us to critique. 

[fairbutsternocreviews]

deadman wonderland oc

Mod-Y here! I've only seen a couple episodes of deadman wonderland, and it was a while ago, but I'll do my best!

Name: Atsushi

Prisoner ID: Eagle

Age: 19

Gender: Male

Branch of Sin:

Sky King: fires his blood in the shape of small eagles at supersonic speeds

Eagle Blast: creates 5 floating explosive spheres around the enemy that are wrapped in blood and can be controlled and detonated remotely.

Avian Wings: manifests as two large wing-like blades, made of blood, extending from long cuts on virtual any part of his body(usually his back). he use this to block incoming attacks and to attack at supersonic speeds.

This is a really well round group of attacks. They're interesting, but could have faults. Good. 

Past: Is actually a victim of circumstance. He was never violent or otherwise into illegal activities. He was thrown into Deadman Wonderland simply because he is a deadman. 

Very good, not actually troubled in past, but wound up having things happen to him anyway. This is a strong character quality.

Strengths: Speed, Strength, Durability, Agility

Weakness: relaxed, a little lazy, aloof, tends to be apathetic

Other: writes songs, likes coffee, energy drinks

Good, well rounded character. He's lazy, even if he is strong and quick. This could make for some very interesting exchanges. 

Special Abilities: Practices several different mixed martial arts styles, genius intellect, has a natural kind of dermal armor in the form of his skin (possible due to him being a deadman?)

This is where it gets into stuff I'm not sure about. I don't know what all being a deadman could include, but I assume this may be normal? 

Genius intellect may be saying too much. He could be overly intelligent, but if you must go with genius, then make sure to include faults, such as not wanting to seem too smart, or something. 

(i got the following from Blackrain100 on deviantart)

*Other Facts*

Height: 6’8”

Weight: 194 lbs.

Job: Carnival Corpse Fighter

Species: Deadman

Weapon: 2 small daggers, 5 vials of his own blood, special rings that have rotating blades on them, a long sword that he is allowed only during the carnival corpse

Personality: A slacker by nature, he maintains a carefree, laid-back attitude about everything, even with achieving his goal of becoming free from deadman wonderland.

This is good, honestly. I don't see a lot of characters like this. He reminds me of Shikamaru from "Naruto" a little, haha. 

The fact that he's so laid back means he's unlikely to make the story focus on him, and that's good. 

Likes: lazing about

Dislikes: fighting

There it is. Good. 

-Additional Info-

Quote: ” Dont worry man everything will work out all right in the end.”

Themes: Unity by Shinedown

-In Detail-

Full Name: Atsushi Hasegawa

Nicknames(s): Eagle, King, Sky Lord

Age: 19

Blood Type: O+

Ethnicity: Mixed (American and Japaneses)

Date of birth: June 4

Birth place: Tokyo, Japan

Current Residence: G-ward of the new Deadman Wonderland

Occupation: Deadman in the Carnival Corpse

Title/Rank: Deadman/ Fighter

Hobbies/Pastime: Listing to Music, Writing Music, Sleeping, Practicing His MMA

Talents/Skills: MMA Master, Chess Player, Music Writer, Musician

The fact that he writes music and plays and such could be seen as cliche. But consider if he's a loner, and needs something to do with his time, or if he's a people person he wants to impress. Motives are everything. 

Powers: Avian Wings, Eagle Blast, Sky King, Sky King Blast, Sky Blast Wings

-Background-

-Family-

Father: Takashi Hasegawa

Mother: Kumiko Kuninobu

Hometown: Los Angeles, California

-Physical-

Sex: Male

Height: 6’8”

Weight: 194 lbs.

Build: Athletic

Good. This is very realistic. 

Skin: Warm Peach Skin Tone

Hair: Black With Blonde Streaks

This has to be executed in a way in which he dyes it, because it's not normal. Anime gives you a bit of a leeway here, but even multicolor causes issues. 

Eyes: Blue

Tattoos/Scars: Celtic Cross tattoo covering most of his back

Left/Right Handed: Ambidextrous

Careful. Little things like this may make him seem too perfect. However, consider that some ambidextrous people eat with one hand and write with another. That may be something to explore, as everyone has a strong hand. 

Distinguishing Features: Celtic Cross Tattoo on his back

How does he dress: a pair of black shorts, a tucked-in, white dress shirt, a yellow jacket, a dark green tie and a pair of brown shoes

wait hold on I'm catching a similarity here:

It's a school uniform, yeah? It'd be worth it to mention that. Still, totally not a problem. That's not what I'm saying at all. I just had a bit of a laugh to myself because it reminded me of Tao Ren from Shaman King. 

Accessories: Ring Blades, Sword like cross necklace, and a holder for his sword that is made of steel

GASP he has a place for his sword! Wonderful!

Mannerism/Pose/Movement: usually relaxed and carefree

Medical Disorders: Insomnia, split personality (only comes out when his life is in danger)

This...makes the split personality rather useless, doesn't it? Rather, it makes it...not a split personality. It makes it a state of adrenaline rush. Insomnia is also a good fault, though, and I'd keep it, so long as you make mention that there's issues with his daily life because of it. 

-Emotional-

What does your character think/feel about…

Marriage: “Um i hope to one day hahaha.”

Children: “I hope to have some one day.”

Sex: “Um i i um….”

Love: “I wonder if ill find that .”

Haha, that sounds like every guy I know. Good. 

Homosexuality: “nothing wrong with it.”

The opposite sex: “Where all the pretty ladies at?”

Politics: “Boring.”

Religion: “Boring.”

Science: “Boring.”

Drugs and alcohol: “Nasty and boring.”

Killing/Murder: “What a drag.”

He's still reminding me a lot of Shikamaru, and that's capping it off. 

Careful, making characters similar to someone so popular may cause many to just write him off. 

Life: “I like life.”

Death: “Such a pain.”

Society: “Now thats just messed up.”

-Intellectual/Mental/Personality Attributes and Attitudes-

Secret desires: to get free so he can write and make others happy with his music, and inspire others with his music

How do they express themselves?: through music

Most at ease when: writing music

Good. His life revolves around this one thing, and he's passionate. 

Personality/Mental/Social Strengths: able to analyze people easily

Personality/Mental/Social Flaws: lazy

Greatest Fear: being kept caged up

Phobias/Insecurities: being caged up

One shouldn't say the same thing for two faults. He has to have more faults and fears than that, doesn't he? 

-Favorite-

Color: Red

Clothing: baggy

Food: sunflowers

Drinks: water

Animal: eagle

Music: rock

-Least Favorite-

Color: yellow

Clothing: tight

Food: cabbage

Drinks: diet coke

Animal: rats

Music: screamo

-More-

Motto/Personal quote: “everything will work out.”

Most prized possession: notepads and pens and pencils

-Relationship-

Marital status: single

Loves: none

First crush: none

Best Friends: none

Friends: none

Acquaintances: none

Rivals: none

-Sex and Romance-

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual

Turn-ons: feisty and wanting to take control

Turn-offs: lazy not wanting to do anything

Fetishes/Fantasies: (i cant say haha)

Dom/Sub: Both but more sub

Overall, I'd give him a 9/10! He's very well rounded, not very cliche, and could come out to be a very good character. He doesn't seem overpowered. One thing you may have to watch for is recreating characters that already exist. That could draw your readers away from thinking he's creative enough. 

I wish you luck, he's rather good! 

--Mod-Y

[fairbutsternocreviews]

Raymond, we have also recieved yours, and I'll probably get at least one of them done today. 

[fairbutsternocreviews]

Billy, we received your submission and I will get to it as soon as possible!! :D

[fairbutsternocreviews]

What do you think of star-crossed pairings?

I think it depends on how it's executed.

Say the characters go through a lot of problems, and the relationship stays strong-that defeats the entire purpose of a star crossed pairing, as it's essentially a way of saying it's doomed from the start. 

However, if all these problems come up, and the relationship shows signs of it, or it ends up breaking them apart, I think that's fine.

Really though, it's all a bit cliche. I didn't enjoy Romeo and Juliet personally, so I would not actively search for a pairing like that. 

--Mod Y