#shadow memories

[shadow-verses]

There is something about being in the sun and smelling the grass. Something about feeling the wind brush past me that reminds me of what I used to have. A forest to watch over, animals and creatures of all kind to look after. Sure, the forest may have been punishment, but how lovely a punishment it was.

[starsandpastlives-blog]

I remember.... having tan skin that shimmered gold. I don't recall having a job that I considered hard. I remember being close to very few, and considered flighty. I couldn't be trusted with hard or important tasks because I would wander away when something else caught my attention.

I remember... holding moonlight. Like water collecting in my hands. And being scolded until I let it pour out. It didn't stop me from doing it again and again.

I remember... when the stars laughed they shone brighter.

I remember.... teaching people (I don't know if it was humans per say they are fuzzy memories at best) when I was grounded how to navigate the night sky. How to rely on certain stars and constellations to find their way.

I remember screaming at the heavens for someone to come and get me. To take me back. But I couldn't fly. And no one came.

A lot of what I recall are feelings. Shadows of memories. If that makes sense.

[starsandpastlives-blog]

I think... I used to know the songs and dances of the moon and stars. I would dance with them as I sang and they would shine brighter and hum back. A sound too faint for most to hear. I would laugh at their jokes and they would grant me leave to share their mysteries. I... Feel... The spray of the sea on my face before I ascend into clear sky. I held moonlight in my hands and let it cascade in streams between my fingers. My wings knew the sea and the sky at night. The moon recognized a friend and ally and the stars whispered my name. I lost someone who burned like embers and mattered to me more then the world. In trying to flee I became broken. Standing on solid ground I no longer knew the dances for the night sky and I felt alone. The tides taught me new movements that I could do without my wings. And I was able to speak again to the moon and the stars until they knew it was really still me. Even without my voice and without my old dances.

[starsandpastlives-blog]

I had something come to be so… Vividly… That I had to share it.

Me holding someone’s hand. And their skin is almost burning it’s so hot. The color of charcoal or ash. Wings of darkness that dwarf all five of my own. Somewhere in them the color red- like an ember waiting to burst back into flame. Knowing I’m theirs and they’re mine and believing that we’ll never part.

Being pulled away from them and it hurt more then they ever could have hurt me with their heat. And knowing that fighting to be next to them again would cause my death. Choosing to run away instead. Breaking one of my wings as I fled. Trying to look behind me to see if I could still see them but it’s all dust and smoke and the sense of imminent death in battle.

Tripping and feeling the dust and debris wash over me and thinking I was dying here. Getting pulled out by a stranger. Not being able to walk on my own never the less fly. Now there’s multiple wings broken. I might never fly again. I don’t know what happened to my mate. My partner is still missing. I never fly unaided again and I never find them

[starsandpastlives-blog]

I don’t recall Falling. But I seem to frequently have more in common with Fallen Angels and Demons then any other divine beings.

Which either says something about me as a person or implies that I'm not recalling something rather important. At least, that's my current interpretation. It'll change I'm sure.

[starsandpastlives-blog]

I think... I argued with/yelled at Micheal at some point. I feel like... he might not have taken me seriously (I think I was rather flighty so I wouldn’t be shocked I’m not sure current me would have taken past me seriously even). But if he wasn’t taking what I was saying seriously it would explain why all associations I have with the idea of a high ranking angel named Micheal are negative. Full of frustration and anger and resentment. Snarling teeth and barely contained fury. An understanding that one step too far and it would be the end of me but toeing that line to a dangerous level. 

I have no idea what in the world I’d have argued with anyone about since 98% of the fuzzy, memories (mostly just feelings with few certainties) I seem to conjure are just... me. Alone. And enjoying that solitude. What in the world would have made me go and yell (I am certain I was yelling) at a bloody Archangel?

[starsandpastlives-blog]

I remember.... being enveloped by dark wings. The owner of said wings was easily a head and a half taller than me and their wings were massive. Dark and iridescent in purples and blues over black feathers. My small wings would fluff up in irritation and to tease me they would wrap their wings around us both. A blanket of darkness and warmth. Taking conscious effort to leave my wings puffed out just to feel their feathers brush against mine. Something about it taboo but we could both say it was an accident. Just a mistake. We would never....

But be would. And we knew. And I’m not sure we had anyone else fooled either. But evidence is needed to make a case and it was all circumstantial. Taboo and thrilling and warm and dark and fearless and perfect. A few brief moments hidden under dark feathers feeling as though they stretched on into millennia. We’d never be caught. We could be like that forever. We were immortal and free and safe and incurably in....

Nothing lasts forever.

[starsandpastlives-blog]

So, I was re-reading the description I had sent to book-of-angels about that other being I recalled. And in doing so I... guess I recalled more? I don’t think I’m making it up at least.

I remember... them being taller than me. I don’t feel like I was short but they were easily a head taller than I was. I remember their smile. This solemn expression always on their face. Serious and stern and determined and maybe a little cold. Then they would smile. And it was a like a fissure across their face. Bright and warm and open and vulnerable and so wonderfully cheerful. I remember the smile starting smaller. And then getting bigger and warmer until when they smiled at me it went straight to warmth. Laughter on the edge of their eyes. 

I remember being wrapped in their dark wings. Enveloped by them even if I fluffed up my own wings to try to be too big to wrap up. 

I remember holding their hand and looking out over darkness. Fog or dust rolling over the darkness which had been so calming before. Familiar and welcome. I remember them not smiling then. Neither of us did. Disaster was coming and we knew it. It just came faster than we were expecting. They shoved me to run and like a coward I did. I remember thinking it as I fled. Trying to pick up enough speed to take off and fly. What a coward I was to leave them there alone. While they bought time. Time that would be meaningless when I got trapped under debris. 

I remember... a bridge. Over nothing that I recall. Just a white foot bridge that stood out starkly against the backdrop of darkness. I knew they watched that darkness for a reason. I knew that bridge had a purpose. I don’t know what it was. 

I remember a vague sense of wrongness being with them. Not that I didn’t want to be there. But that I wasn’t supposed to be. I remember it as the only secret I kept from the stars and the moon and anyone else. They were my secret and I theirs. 

I dunno. I’m not sure that even all makes sense. I’m sorry.