Jace shot up in his bed, the thin sheet that had been laying over him pooling at his waist. He was covered in sweat and his breathing was erractic, just like his heartbeat. The room was dark, but even in the darkness his eyes played tricks on him. Shadows shifting despite nothing being there. Monsters looming just out of reach, waiting for a moment of weakness.
With a sigh Jace ran his hands through his long blonde hair, brushing it back from his face as he closed his eyes. Then he focused. His bond to his parabatai had grown weaker in the past few weeks, but he could still follow it. It was just a little like walking on a tightrope. That was swaying in a wind storm. But that happened when you avoided interacting with someone outside of what was necessary for work for an extended period of time.
It had started with a confrontation. Not between him and Alec; no they had been... They had been wonderful. The memory of it brought a dopey smile to his lips. It had only been one night, one time before everything came crashing down. Hands intertwining. Lips brushing over-sensitive skin. Bodies melding together as if they were simply two parts of a greater whole, fitting back together like matching puzzle pieces. Alec arching underneath of him, making so much noise that Jace had had to cover the other's mouth with his hand in an attempt to keep him quiet. Jace laughing into Alec's collarbone after he had found that one random spot that was ticklish on Alec's body and his parabatai had nearly kicked him off the bed. It had been perfect. Until reality set in in the form of the envoy from the Clave.
A few days after Jace and Alec had spent the night together the envoy had cornered Jace in one of the more secluded areas of the Institute. Nothing was outright said or declared, but the insinuations were clear. They had suspicions about Alec and Jace's relationship. That it wasn't healthy. That the bond was changing, altering into something toxic and blasphemous. Jace had denied the hinted accusations, but he was ignored. They had been clear. They would be watching. And should their suspicions be proven true, then the punishment would be dealth with swiftly. Emphasis had been put on the fact that they blamed Jace for the corruption of such an admirable example of shadowhunter leadership, especially one from such a prestigious family. That if they were correct, then Jace would receive the worst of the punishment. Alec would be stripped of his marks, including his parabatai rune and bond, but Jace would only be stripped of his marks after Alec. After their bond had died.
It was then that Jace had started pulling away, not just from Alec but from Clary, Izzy, and even Max. He could have made it easy on himself and played up the flirting between him and Clary. It had always been just for fun, but a little more would have helped throw suspicion off of him and Alec. But he couldn't do that to either Alec of Clary. It would have been cruel to ask Alec to watch that, and then to lead Clary on. So he had just pulled away.
Even after the envoy had left and the pressure had gone with them Jace had stay back, forcing himself to be content with just watching his friends, his family move on without him. He knew that he was hurting Alec anyways, but this... This was better then what he saw every night when he closed his eyes.
Jace was held on his knees, arms spread wide and straining against the invisble bindings that kept him in place. His shirt had been cu from him, and the protection runes he had placed around his parabatai bonding rune so long ago had been removed. The Silent Brothers swarmed around him, preparing for the task that they had been given, but Jace couldn't bother to pay attention to them. His entire focus was on the man who was kneeling in a smiliar state and position across from him, staring back at Jace with wide eyed panic.
Jace jerked forward, just a cenimeter or so, but it was more then Alec could move, frozen in place. He tried to speak, to tell Alec that everything would be okay, but every attempt caused him to feel like someone had their hand wrapped around his vocal cords, squeezing. So he simple poured as much of it through their bond, passed the flimsy blocks that the Clave had marked them with to prevent just such a thing.
This was all wrong. He shouldn't be able to move. He shouldn't be able to access their bond the way that he could. He shouldn't be in the same room at Alec. He should be in a cell on the other side of Idris, forced to just sit in numb silence whilehe waited for the bond die.
It always happened this way. Just before he would realize that this was all a dream, a nightmare, they would begin.
A Brother moved across the space towards Alec, whose eyes immediately shot from Jace to their punisher. Panic became hysteria and Jace could see Alec's muscles straining as he tried to get away.
Jace could never make out what the Silent Brother did, but it didn't matter because his focus was never on their actions. It was on Alec, who's eyes widened, the look on his face morphing into one of agony as he was allowed to speak for the first time. Screams echoed off the stone walls of the room. Echoed in Jace's mind even when he was awake. One by one marks were seared off of Alec's skin, leaving him bare, until he was an exhausted limp mess. His voice was nearly gone and he almost seemed to have gotten used to the pain. Then. Then they'd start on their bonding rune and Alec would suddenly find his voice again.
Jace would always wake right when Alec's eyes would find his just as their bond broke. A hollow look in them, only accented with accuisitory blame. Pointed right in Jace's direction.
Jace was relieved when he finally managed to pin point Alec through their bond, finding him fast asleep and almost completely relaxed. With a groan Jace abruptly fell back into himself and swung his legs over the side of his bed, pushing the sheet off of him. He got up and headed over to the light at the side of his room, only practice and knowledge of the layout of the room after years of living there kept him from running into anything.
Turning on the light Jace blinked at the sudden brightness, moving about almost automaticlly as he set up the personal wooden training dummy and began to attack it. It was mostly muscle memory, his mind still processing and dwelling on his nightmare. He knew he would be alright if he wasn't a shadowhunter anymore. Well, not alright. He would have to call in favors to get an identity for himself in the mundane world. And he didn't think he was good at much else other then hunting down rogue downworlders and demons. But he hadn't grown up attached to the Clave, trained to be specifically a shadowhunter from birth. A fighter yes, and probably a killer too, but not specifically a shadowhunter. Unlike Alec who had been born and raised to do nothing else.
Alec would be left, forced outside of the Shadow World, or at least the part of it that he was used to living within. He could be removed from his family. He would never get to see his parents, Max, or Izzy ever again. Though, to be honest, Jace wouldn't put it past Izzy to break the law to visit Alec as much as she could get away with.
With one vicious blow to the dummy, one that cracked already bruised skin and trickled blood down his arm, Jace thought the one thing that had helped him keep his resolve. Helped him not fold when Alec caught him alone and tried to get close. Helped him ignore the wide eyed hurt that showed in Alec's eyes every time he looked at Jace anymore. Helped him fight back against the panic whenever he almost gave in, steeling himself once more into just a numb warrior at the Clave's bec' and call.
It was better to hurt Alec now and eventually move on, then to destroy him later. Even if it meant doing just that to himself in the mean time.
[Inspiration video in the source.]
