#shauna .

[joowee-feftynn]

the amount of psychological damage inflicted in me after seeing a twitter moot make an su ship bracket and putting volleypink agaisnt connverse im.

[c0nsumere]

@qu1rkley : let me get you some ginger, it will help.

therapists can describe a bond made through shared trauma, even when looking to people you swore once you never wanted in your life anymore. when you look up to the blonde, her glasses in a constant state of slowly falling down the bridge of her nose... you understand what therapists mean. years ago, as the team split across fault lines to their own lives, you told yourself you were grateful to never see them again ( never have to remember the way the trees twisted in the night sky, the birds cawing keeping you up late at night )... but here you are, grateful for her presence & for the instinctual protective nature that seems to overcome her when the y.ellowjackets are involved. " uh... yeah, thanks misty. " you could protest, maybe it'd feel better if you did ––– feel better to be the self sufficient woman you feel as though you need to be, but you can't. you won't ask her to leave now. " i'm sorry for being such a... a pain or whatever, but, thank you. "

[c0nsumere]

@ant1rs : you always seem to see right through me.

childhood was something unholy, something rotten that pulled you to devour. sometimes you think you don't recognize that version of yourself ––– sometimes its worse, she's the only version of you that you seem to remember. looking at l.ottie matthews left you in a black & hollow middle ground. you are no longer a child, you are not quite an adult ( maybe its because the memories of her, young, beaten, quiet, strong, are stronger than the image sat directly before you ). it's not that she's unrecognizable, quite the opposite. you can picture her face bruised & feel your knuckles split. maybe you are seeing right through her, maybe you're just the only person who can see, can feel the woman she's become... you're less different than you think.

" we... we went through a lot. " we, the y.ellowjackets, we, you & her: specifically. j.ackie in ice, la.ura lee in fire, who else could say they were that similar, yet that apart? " i think... when you go through what we went through, you don't really have a choice but to see each other. " eyes, wide & brown, gloss over ––– her face morphs, young, to old, then, to now. you have to look away. you don't want to. " i just see you, i guess. " a pause, the silence too heavy for you to beare, is it even there? you spit: " you seem... you seem better, good, i don't know... are you good? " the words stumble out of your mouth in an awkward fashion ( there she is, the teenager that sits anxiously inside ).

[c0nsumere]

@ant1rs : do you dream of being queen?

her voice, a whisper: one that once angered you, & one you find comforting now as the two of you huddle close beneath a blanket ( the snow sits silent around you, so still that you almost worry her voice would be picked up & sent to the other girls ). the question catches you off guard, inches from her face your eyes grow wide. lips part & you're quick to look over every inch of her features ––– look for anger, look for disappointment, look for judgement... & all you're met with is a soft gaze. " n-no. " quick blinks, you know she'll see right through that tripped up tongue & uncomfortble lie.

you look around once more, everyone else remains curled up... bent over a flickering flame that threatens to die off every few seconds ( can she hear your heart pounding in your chest? can she see the images you've made in your mind? everyone looking to you with a gratitude you deserve... no one else's hands remain as bloody, & yet with this blood you've filled their stomachs ). you nearly jump as you catch her gaze once more, so piercing & honest. " i... i don't know. " a lie again, this time inching closer to some semblance of truth. " i just... " now you can't look at her, you can't even dare: the guilt in your stomach only settles sometimes, but now it boils again, it boils & it burns when you look at her healing face ( the indentation of your knuckles will not be an image quickly forgotten ). " i don't understand... how it's not, me? i feed us. i do & i - " you swallow, forced & tasting of bile. it's a prevention method, keeping your voice from raising & the new queen... the new woman in charge from hearing ––– they couldn't live without you, & yet you fear the next one served up for survival will be you ( wouldn't they just love that? the invisible butcher taking up space & resources ).

" nat will make a great leader. " brows furrow, & eyes turn down. maybe jackie was right, maybe jackie... " my dreams don't matter. "

[c0nsumere]

@ant1rs : come & sit by me.

her voice makes you jump. you had convinced yourself she was asleep, staring with your brown eyes to her bruised features, to the welts that split & slowly closed across what was once her holy features. lips part to protest, & you have half a mind to turn around & leave the way you came in ( convince her what she saw was nothing but another one of her hallucinations, the same ones you refuse to admit you understand ). you are cruel, you are awful, but you are not that cruel. instead you sigh, like a child annoyed, before slowly stepping across creaking wood to sit beside her makeshift hospital bed.

as you approach, her figure growing, air gets stuck in your chest. looking down to her you feel your eyes instantly swell... you could picture it, your own figure laying down where she is. lottie m.atthews is your mirror, maybe that's why your rage built so quickly.

beats of silence pass, & against your wishes, tears fall down dry & cracked cheeks. " we let him die... we watched him drown... & we... " you needed to live, that was the truth, how you all came to that understanding, to that decision to chase natalie in the woods seems to blur in your mind... all that matters now is the outcome, the fullness in your stomach, the warmth that slowly radiates through your system ( the same warmth you haven't felt since... ). " i need her lottie i need... " your lungs work in a pressured system, huffing out tearful breaths as you maintain eye contact with the other girl. you want the tears to stop, you want it all to stop, but there is no privacy in a place like this & some way or another you need to let it out.

slowly, you lower yourself to lay beside her, head on the ground, & brown eyes trained on the painted purples that swell around hers. eye to eye, the tears seem to slow, & your breathing moves into a steady pattern. " i need someone to tell me i'm not a bad person. that this isn't... " your fault? it could be... you think it is, in some way. " i miss jackie... i miss, i miss my baby. " how cruel of you to dump this onto her, her steady gaze & her quiet demeanor. maybe, you think, she's only listening because she's forced to, because she's healing in the desolation of the attic... but in her gaze you see an honesty, so you take her hand, gentle in your grasp. " i need someone lottie... i feel so alone. i'm so sorry. "

[c0nsumere]

@slaughtyr : i'm cold.

lips pull into a thin line, a smile of some distorted kind. she's covered up more than you, more than most of the girls, & yet she's cold, looking down to you with eyes that would get you to fold in a moments notice. " if we use both of our blankets, we could be warmer... body heat, or whatever. " you shift slightly, lifting up the thin sheet of fabric covering your figure, a welcome for her ( your best friend, the only one who you could truly feel comfortable sharing such a space with... you've done it before ). features soften now, allowing head to fall back down. " grab your pillow, c'mon. "

[c0nsumere]

shauna & @ant1rs .