Shipwrecked Comedy is having a fan-creation contest to celebrate 5 years so here is my contribution: a fanfic/script/thing imagining what would happen if Poe Party was actually the Fellowship of the Ring instead of a Murder Mystery Dinner Party/Gala for Friends Potluck. Watch Poe Party first because my thing has spoilers and also because it won't make sense unless you watch Shipwrecked Comedy’s brilliant webseries: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLs2T_dNZ-XW6UjWC-qUbZSWJyCLFmsdPP.
A fan work, based on Edgar Allan Poe’s Murder Mystery Dinner Party by Shipwrecked Comedy and The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien.
Chapter 1 – A Shadow of a Past
It was many and many a year ago…
[Edgar Allan Poe is sitting at his desk, writing furiously. He mutters to himself and crosses out a line. After a few moments there is an urgent a knocking at the door.]
POE: What is that rapping at my chamber door?
[He goes to the door and opens it. Annabel Lee is at the door, visibly shaken.]
POE: Ah the beautiful Annabel Lee! Hello! You are looking very beautiful today!
[Lenore has come to the door as well.]
LENORE: What’s wrong Anna-banana?
ANNABEL LEE: I was cleaning my mantelpiece while waiting for Eddie to pick me up after his volunteer shift sewing teddy-bears for the children’s hospital, and I found an envelope. I opened it and this ring fell out and it landed in the fire and strange writing appeared on it and Oh Edgar I’m frightened!
[Lenore snatches the ring and looks closely at the writing.]
LENORE: Hey, this is the One Ring!
[Poe and Annabel stare at her.]
LENORE: What? I saw it in one of those dusty old books in the library. Not like there’s anything ELSE to do around here!
ANNABEL: What is the One Ring?
LENORE: It basically lets you manipulate everybody. Like, one ring to rule them all. Sounds pretty great t.b.h.
POE: [Quickly takes the ring] NOT something to be left lying around. [He gives the ring back to Annabel.]
ANNABEL: What should we do about it?
LENORE: I know! You can go talk to JRR Tolkien! He’ll know what to do. He’s having a panel and book signing in DC today!
POE: That’s awfully convenient.
ANNABEL: Oh but what about Eddie? We were going to go dancing! And he’s so smart, I’m sure he’ll have some ideas!
LENORE: [Glances at Poe] Well the panel starts in an hour, so you two should leave right now. I’ll tell Eddie, and he can meet you there!
[Annabel and Poe set off for DC. Lenore heads next door to Annabel’s house.]
EDDIE: Lenore, what are you doing here? Where is Annabel?
LENORE: Today has been so cray. Annabel found the One Ring.
EDDIE: The One Ring! So it IS in this house! I suspected as much when I began courting her. Where is it? Give it to me!
LENORE: Umm… It’s not here anymore. Annabel took it with her.
EDDIE: Annabel! That naïve girl! Annabel has insufficient wit to handle a treasure such as that. And you were a fool to let her walk off with it. But no matter. Tell me where she has gone.
If you join with me we can share the Ring.
LENORE: Ok ONE everyone knows that only one person can wield the Ring at a time and TWO I would never wrong my girl Annabel like that! My lips are sealed.
EDDIE: Then I will find her myself, and you will remain here until I do. [He locks her in Annabel’s study and leaves.]
LENORE: I am LITERALLY a ghost. [She escapes though a wall.]
Chapter 2 – Nine is a Party
[Meanwhile, Poe and Annabel have arrived at a cozy bookshop in DC, as have many other authors. The Panel of Tolkien begins…]
TOLKIEN: You have been called here, authors from various time periods and literary traditions. Called, I say, though I have not called you to me. For the One Ring has departed Middle Earth and been found here, in Baltimore, and it is we who sit here who must determine the fate of both worlds.
TOLKIEN: But first, I will explain the history of the Ring. This is the tale, as I know it…
TOLKIEN: … and Frodo of the Nine Fingers and Samwise the Brave were at last successful in casting the Ring into the fire of Mount Doom and destroying Sauron once and for all, or so it was thought. But now here is the Ring. What shall we do with it?
WILDE: [Aside] Next time I’m insisting on the theatrical cut.
DOSTOEVSKY: Surely we must destroy it, but how? We do not have the means to destroy it here, and we do not know how to get to Mordor from America.
LENORE: [Materializes] Hey guys! Spoiler alert, Eddie is actually a bad guy. He wants the Ring for himself, and he’s on his way here to take it.
POE: Lenore, how did you even get here?
LENORE: Oh, apparently teleportation is one of my ghost powers! Cool, huh?
WELLS: If I can just have a few moments to measure Lenore’s teleportative ability, I may be able to calibrate my prototype time machine to create a portal to Middle Earth! Lenore, will you help me?
TOLKIEN: If we can get to Middle Earth, we must send the Ring into the Fire. Who will take it?
POE: Ok, hear me out. What if we give the ring to one of my ravens, and have the raven fly to Mordor and drop it into Mount Doom? Quick, low-budget, and no one needs to leave home.
BRONTE: I think if a bird would work, they would have done that the first time, don’t you?
[General sounds of agreement]
TOLKIEN: Yes, a party on foot does seem to be traditional.
HEMINGWAY: Besides, your ravens just fly around aimlessly as if they have never been trained. You’re a terrible owner.
POE: Hey! I pride myself on being a very good raven owner. Alright, fine. How about we do it once with all of the walking, and then try again with a raven and then we’ll see what is what.
WILDE: Yes, but we only have the one ring. [Smirks] Get it?
POE: Ok well if we’re not using ravens, who is going to take the Ring?
EMERSON: I suppose I could take it. I’m accustomed to spending lots of time outdoors wandering through the Massachusetts woods, the leaves fluttering softly like…
POE: [Interrupting] I will die before I see the Ring in the hands of a Transcendentalist!
[The argument grows louder and louder. Annabel looks around concerned. Suddenly she speaks…]
ANNABEL: I will take it. [Everyone goes quiet.] I will take the Ring… though I do not know the way.
TOLKIEN: Thank you Annabel. I would not wish to force this burden on you, but I believe it is right for you to take it, if you take it willingly.
POE: But surely you won’t send her off alone!
TOLKIEN: Certainly not! You at least shall go.
DOSTOEVSKY: I will also help you bear this burden. Mordor cannot be worse than Siberian prison.
ELIOT: I have brought along the Duke of Coventry and Humphrey Cadwallader for your protection. You have my sword.
HEMINGWAY: And my guns [winks].
BRONTE: And my axe! [Pause] What? I like sharp objects!
ALCOTT: Yes, we women need to stick together.
SHELLEY: Besides, you’ll need someone of intelligence on this quest. Count me in.
DICKINSON: And I’ll come too!
TOLKIEN: Alright [counting] that makes eight people in the party…
DICKINSON: Nine. It’s nine people.
TOLKIEN: I was really hoping for nine. We need one more volunteer.
DICKINSON: I said I was going. I make nine.
WILDE: Oh what the heck, I’ll go. Could be fun?
TOLKIEN: Excellent. Nine it is.
DICKINSON: I’m right… oh forget you guys, I’ll just stay home.
WELLS: [Returning] If you’ll all come this way, Lenore and I are ready to send you to Middle Earth…
Chapter 3 – An Abridged Journey
NARRATOR: This is where I must jump in to speed up the tale, for it grows in the telling. Wells had transported the company to a beautiful mountain village, and it was from there that our heroes began their journey south. The first obstacle in their path was a range of misty mountains. They decided to take a pass over the mountains but were soon caught in a terrible blizzard, and forced to retreat. Dostoevsky, who was most suitably dressed for this type of weather, was able to get everyone off the mountain, but was killed in an avalanche. There was much grieving. The party then went under the mountains, through some dim and foreboding mines. Here they lost Mary Shelley, who sacrificed herself against a terrible monster (which they were pretty sure was not named Karen). There was more grieving. Next, the party came to a beautiful forest…
ALCOTT: I could stay in this forest forever!
NARRATOR: And at last it was time to make a choice…
HEMINGWAY: We should head west, to Minas Tirith, and aid in the war effort. This Ring would be a mighty gift to turn the tide in their favor.
POE: No, we should head east, to the Mountain of Shadow, as was agreed at the council.
HEMINGWAY: I trust the strength of men in combat over this subterfuge.
POE: That’s because you lack all subtlety.
HEMINGWAY: Well why don’t we let the lady decide?
NARRATOR: The lady was, at this moment, in the process of being carried off by a group of rather large orcs. The party sprang to action. At last Annabel was rescued, but Hemingway lay dead, shot by one too many orc arrows. There was yet more grieving to be done.
POE: You valued brevity, so I will simply say farewell, my dear, uh…
ELIOT: What should we do now? Hemingway wasn’t wrong. Gondor does need help in its fight.
ANNABEL: I could not ask any more of you to die for me. I will go to Mordor alone.
POE: Great idea Annabel. George – you, Oscar, and Charlotte should go to Minas Tirith. Annabel and I will go to Mordor.
POE: Right. Yes. Alone. With me.
Chapter 4 – Of Battles, Briefly
NARRATOR: George Eliot, Oscar Wilde, and Charlotte Bronte continued on to Minas Tirith. They arrived to find it under siege.
BRONTE: Well I suppose it’s time to get our hands dirty. [She strides into battle, swinging her axe] One… Two… Three…
WILDE: Oh I don’t know about all of this…
[The Witch King of Angmar, leader of the Nazgul, lands before Wilde and Eliot. He dismounts and hits Wilde with his giant mace. Wilde falls.]
ELIOT: NO! Oscar! [She kneels by him] Like a brother you were to me, for a little while. [Standing and turning to face the Witch King] Ringwraith! Darken this world no more!
WITCH KING: You fool! No man can kill me!
ELIOT: I [removes hat] George Eliot [removes moustache] am a woman. [She runs him through].
WITCH KING: [Dying] Argh no dammit. This is the SECOND time this has happened to me. Oh it’s so embarrassing.
Chapter 5 – A Song of Fire and Also More Fire
NARRATOR: I could tell you all about the trials faced by Annabel and Poe on their journey to The Land of Shadow. How Eddie the Banker found them in the wilderness and became their guide, causing no little strife between our two heroes. How Eddie tried to betray them but was eaten by a giant spider. I could tell you of the long trek through the desert with little water, and less food. How at the end, Annabel became so weak that Poe had to carry her. But it is a long and depressing tale and I do not wish to dwell on it. Suffice it to say that at last our heroes made it to their destination, a chamber carved into the side of Mount Doom.
POE: Well, here we are. Cast the Ring into the fire, Annabel, and let us be done with this ridiculous quest.
ANNABEL: Now that it comes to it, it is difficult to part with. It whispers in my mind. I could claim it as my own, and become a queen, great and terrible. All would love me and despair.
POE: We already do. Just get rid of it and I’ll get you a nicer ring.
ANNABEL: Wait, was that a proposal?
POE: No. Uh yes. Uh maybe?
[Annabel casts the Ring into the fires of Mount Doom. She sighs with relief.]
ANNABEL: It’s over. It’s done.
[Annabel and Poe slowly head out of the chamber and make their way down the mountain. Suddenly, with a great roar, the mountain erupts. Annabel and Poe cling together on an outcrop as rivers of lava flow all around them.]
ANNABEL: I am glad that you are with me, Edgar, here at the end of all things.
[She looks up at the sky. A flock of birds is flying towards them.]
ANNABEL: Oh Edgar! The ravens! The ravens are coming!
[The ravens pass overhead and continue on. Poe coughs uncomfortably. Just as all seems to be lost, Annabel and Poe dematerialize, then rematerialize.]
[Poe and Annabel look around. They are back in the bookshop in Washington D.C. All of the other members of the Party are there as well, and they are applauding.]
POE: What happened? Are we dead?
WELLS: No! It is a convenient side effect of this form of travel! When you died in Middle Earth you awoke back here!
POE: [Frowns] Does this mean Eddie is also back?
LENORE: No, he must have traveled to Middle Earth using a different method. He was definitely really eaten by a giant spider. Too bad, so sad!
[Tolkien coughs to get everyone’s attention.]
TOLKIEN: The Ringbearer has fulfilled her quest! Praise her with great praise! Thanks to you and to all of the Party, a terrible threat has been vanquished.
ANNABEL: Is the darkness gone forever?
TOLKIEN: No my dear. The darkness is never gone forever. That is why each of us must return to our own places and times, and fight the darkness however it may come to us there.
NARRATOR: There were many tearful goodbyes. Dostoevsky insisted that the entire group take a shot, in celebration of the love than had grown amongst them. Hemingway took a few friendly jabs at Poe. Eventually, the group dispersed, and Poe, Annabel, and Lenore made their way home.
ANNABEL: Isn’t it strange to think that we went on that great adventure to save the world, and no one in Baltimore knows anything about it?
POE: Oh, I don’t like attention anyway.
NARRATOR: As you know, the time comes when a Ringbearer must make one final journey. And it is said when Annabel sailed over the sea that Edgar Allan Poe went with her. And perhaps it was due to Poe’s great love for Annabel that the Lords of the West permitted it.
They took the last ship to the West, Poe and his Annabel Lee
There they loved with a love that was more than love, in a kingdom by the sea.
