If there is a truer happiness than making teenagers feel uncomfortable by hovering near them in the condom aisle, I sure haven't found it.
@shoesonwrong (Annie) – 68
Me: "Since it's your birthday, you can get a soda." Jonas: "I AM GOING TO DRINK THE CRAP OUT OF THAT SODA!" Awesome.
@AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 60
Bush is so not getting his damage deposit back.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 59
Just “landed a plane in the Hudson.”
@gruber (John Gruber) – 58
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree because trees can't throw, jackass.
@awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 47
I ran over a bird today on accident and felt really bad until I remembered about that plane crash. Then I felt RIGHTEOUS.
@bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 45
If you connect the dots on my resume, you get a picture of my inability to take anything seriously.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 44
If it were possible for a man to be attracted to another man, I would be attracted to Daniel Craig.
@scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 42
The name "Chicago" actually comes from the Native American word for "Fuck the Winter Spirit or whatever, I'm sporting a fucking dicksicle."
@phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 40
Are we sure Steve Jobs is really sick? Have they tried holding down both buttons and doing a hard reboot? That always works for me.
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 35
Surviving a plane crash is one thing. Surviving exposure to the Hudson River is entirely another.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 35
Do not let people mislabel the US Air landing a "miracle". It was the result of education, experience, skill and competence. Not magic.
@anildash (Anil Dash) – 32
"What's the point of having a girlfriend if I can't molest her in the laundry room?"
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 29
Getting oral sex from an ugly person is like bungee jumping . Its gonna be good but HOLY SHIT , dont look down.
@frostinglickr (Some Crazy Chick) – 29
Hey! My butter churn is frozen!
Euphemism? Not a euphemism?
Surprise! It's both!
@HotAmishChick (HotAmishChick) – 28
You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a green bean.
@MsHiss (Hissy) – 27
I'm glad I wasn't watching The Shining exactly 5 years ago, or this kid would be Scatman Gruber.
@AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 27
I dunno. It's nice having HDTV and Coke Zero and Tumblr and all, but the world really hasn't been the same since God killed Nell Carter.
@fireland (Joshua Allen) – 27
If people actually heard how I talk to my wife and cats, they would take away my penis.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 26
The food is terrible and they're making her do arts and crafts. I'm going to mail her a box of hobo hair so she can make herself a more comfortable mattress.
I'll talk to her again tomorrow evening, so askbox me anything you want her to hear. She also gave me permission to give out the phone number for her room there, so you can askbox me if you want to call her yourself.
Unrelated: I had a stuck crisper drawer in my fridge because it was too full of pudding cups (GOD WHAT DO YOU KEEP IN YOUR CRISPER) and when I pulled on the drawer too hard, a pudding cup burst and now I'm covered in pudding, which now that I'm typing it sounds kind of sexy until I specify that it was chocolate and now me and whole kitchen look like we're covered in shit.
