Every single person on the PLANET loves something fully from the bottom, and very being of their soul. For most people, it is something they find at a young age that they continue to love and cherish in, and through, their adult lives. For others, it is something they discover later-on in life. And yes, I am talking about a “thing” and not a person. I feel like I need to point this out for only a few reasons. The first being that not everyone out there does have that “special someone” they truly love. Some people just never find them. But everyone has that thing. It wasn’t until recently that I feel like I have found my love, and center peace to life.
I love food and I am pretty sure I have loved it for a good portion of my life. I just also feel like I have had a love hate relationship with it my whole life. Back in my childhood, I loved dinner time, snack time, lunch, you name it! I looked forward every single day to lunch in school. I would day dream about a lot of things. Yet in the back of my mind, it was a constant hunger to eat. Like an LED moving sign that you would see in the windows of convenient stores, with a constant letter dragging of the word “food” that would intermittingly change to flashing the word “food”. I have no idea if it is was the need for social interaction between friends, or the fact that taste made me smile, but it was the one thing I truly looked forward to more than anything else in the world. Least while at school.
When I was an athlete as a kid as well, I use to love snacks and eating out after practice. Why I could scarf down a FULL kids meal before my sister would even un wrap their food. Mind you, to be honest and fair on this memory, I am not sure if it was a love of food that drove that behavior, or a love of pretend and ball pits. I am pretty sure It was for taste, once I started to order big mac’s and chicken nuggets, but I couldn’t be positive. But then, life happened and I was thrown onto another path.
When the 4th grade hit, and I was put on “Adderall” for ADHD, to help me hyper focus during school. I was never hungry anymore. Mind you, I didn’t want to play outside anymore I didn’t have much to say to anyone anymore. I feel like I had lost a part of who I was. I still loved food, food just didn’t love me. I found myself turning to a mostly liquid diet. There was a point when I was still in school when I wouldn’t have lunch most days, I would just snack on something, and drink a Dr. Pepper and just call that good for the day. There is no way to say it was the medication for sure though.
Once I reached 18, I was off Adderall, and my appetite was back! I was eating junk food all the time and started to eat big meals again. And it was around then, I started my journey into downtown living. I lived in Portland at the time, and I tell you, if I had a job back then I would have started to eat better foods sooner, but I could afford whatever was cheapest at the time. But I wouldn’t let that stop me from eating as much as could, as often as I could. (I am sorry to everyone who has ever fed me.)
Once I hit a point in a horrible relationship I stayed in for far to long, I was just about 200lbs. For some people in this world, that is nothing. But to me, it was what I believed to be one of my biggest down falls. My looks and how I feel on the inside are important to me. I believe in balance, in both body, mind, and soul. But I had to drag myself through workouts that never worked for me. New eating habits that were so mentally straining, to not eat those items. Dairy, red meat, pork (still not sure if pork is red meat or not) sweets. I wanted cake like no other. I want ice cream, and meatloaf, and BBQ. I wanted burgers like no other. But I had to spend years looking into myself and telling myself, “The difference between them, and you, is they are doing it.” That is something I have to tell myself every day, in hopes that I keep making choices that lead me to my goals.
I finally, after 6 years of fighting, feel like I found my balance. I went from 200lbs, down to 146 over 10 months of hard work, and years of mentally helping myself. Eating better is now just something that feels right. Everything else makes me tired, and sleepy, or it just eats away at me mentally. So I am beyond excited to know my body was able to adjust to the new eating life. Smaller portions, more often. Snacking is also fun, but I snack with light crackers, or veggies. I also eat chicken like no other, and most of the time after bouldering for a few hours. Learning more about nutrition just from friends and my own research has helped me understand myself a little better as well. I love of food is there. It is ok to eat and snack and enjoy great taste, without over eating or using it to hide behind my own sadness.
I still fight today though the sadness and darkness that lives inside myself. I am still hurt from the things that have come up in my life. I am still not “happy” all the time. But I no longer let food be my crutch. I no longer fight with myself in the mirror every day on whether or not I my worthy of love. It is only every other day. I love food. I love good food. I love to eat it, and smell it, and watch it move. Food is love, food is life, but food does not define who I am.
I am a foodie, and I love who I am.
