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Random Kinito sketches

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i think abt shuu as a child. i imagine he was a nature lover - an animal lover. i think he must’ve been homeschooled, and when he was not being tutored, he was outside. i think of him picking wildflowers to make ugly bouquets and giving them to people he loved. i think he must’ve spent time with his horses, more than his lessons - i think maybe he could stare at them for a while and maybe feel calmer. i think of him sitting next to his father’s dogs and pretending he was one of them. I i think of him seeing a rhododendron bush for the first time as a child - seeing it tower over him and feeling a divine kind of love that was unfamiliar and new. i think of him, alone, going out and making a small handbook of his own - full of pressed flowers, the identifying features of every flower within his vicinity. in summer, going out for hours, finding ponds to stare at, counting the pond lilies and keeping tadpoles to watch them grow up. growing his first ever plant, watching it flower and feeling some kind of pride over it. beach holidays spent rock-pooling, looking at a beautiful shell and seeing a crab is inside - for the first time, realising it is not just a pretty shell, but a home too. watching a tree come to fruit and understanding it is a god he can never touch, yet the craving doesn’t leave him. not ever.

i can’t separate him from this idea of nature - of this idea of him being wound up in it. maybe it’s just my personal, selfish, projection onto him, because i don’t know a childhood that wasn’t mine, but for me, i think he was so lonely, and when you are a disparately lonely child, when you come to grow up and realise that you might not quite blend with your own kind, you understand subconsciously that nature is god and this god will always have a place for you - that this god is the only thing that will not consider you alien, that nature’s indifference is the purest love you will ever experience - and that is why i think he might be like that. but as always, i might be wrong.