“Can we pretend I didn’t just say that?" And McKirk. Loving your icon by the way, we all need more ace Bones in the world. :)
(awww thank you. the ever so amazing @squirrelstone made it for me. they are fantasic and in honour of their amazingness i made this fic for both of you, though i’m not super sure if they’re into Star Trek)
The cold metal of his quarters pressed against Leonard’s back. An extremely uncomfortable feeling that only made his current situation worse. It wouldn’t be as bad if Jim didn’t currently have his hands shoved up the back of Leonard’s uniform shirt, forcing the fabric up so that the metal door was pressed up against bare skin.
He needed to get out of this, fast.
“Jim…” Leonard struggled to free his hands from where Jim had managed to pin them between their chests. Unfortunately, it seemed like Jim was too busy trying to get his mouth attached to any available surface on Leonard’s neck to pay attention to the Doctor’s protests.
Leonard wasn’t even sure how exactly he had gotten himself into this situation. Just a few minutes ago him and Jim had been sitting in the bar enjoying a drink together and talking about the last mission they had been on, and the next thing he knew Jim had grabbed his arm and started to drag him out of the room.
Somewhere between that moment, and right now, Leonard could distinctly remember Jim mentioning something about needing to make sure Leonard was ok. It probably had to do with the fact that Leonard had been grazed by a phaser when one of the security officers accidently set off their weapon (for which Spock had given him sufficient shit).
For some reason, Leonard had been naive and thought that Jim meant that he was going to take him to medical for yet another check up. It wasn’t out of character for Jim to demand at least three check ups whenever Leonard found himself injured, after all.
This time, however, Jim had decided that the ‘check up’ would involve assaulting Leonard and attempting to separate him from his clothing while trying to find the panel for Leonard’s quarter doors so they they could get inside.
Leonard wasn’t too fond of this version of Jim’s ‘check-up’
“Jim, stop.” he whispered, using the position of his hands to try and shove his best friend away from him. “Please stop.”
Finally, he could feel Jim taking a step back and removing his hands from Leonard’s back. It was relaxing at first, knowing that Jim was not longer trying to get into Leonard’s pants. Unfortunately, the moment Leonard saw a look of hurt on Jim’s face he stopped being relaxed and started to freak out.
A normal reaction for him when it came to Jim being hurt, both physically and mentally.
“Sorry…” Jim bowed his head in shame “i just…i thought…”
Ok, obviously Leonard had screwed up somehow.
“No, Jim….i just….” bringing a hand up to the back of his head, Leonard ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “I…i just thought when you said check up…i wasn’t really prepared for you to…you know…”
“Oh.” Jim blinked, a look of confusion crossing over his face for a second before he smiled. “You thought i meant a check up in medical?”
“Well, ya.” Leonard frowned. “That’s what you usually mean.”
Jim gave his head a shake and chuckled. “I guess i should have been more clear back at the bar.” he said softly, bringing a hand up to cup Leonard’s face. “What i should have said is ‘i want to make sure every inch of your body is unscared and in perfect condition’”
Leonard drew in a deep breath and screwed his eyes shut. This was just getting worse. “That sounds a lot like you want to have sex, Jim.” he pointed out, not bothering to open his eyes and look at Jim’s face. He knew there were only two things he would see.
Either Jim would be really confused again, leading to an endless amount of questions and possibly ending with the both of them getting really drunk while Leonard explained everything.
The other reaction he risked seeing was pure hurt. Jim was a sensitive person and it was surprisingly easy to get under his skin and make him feel inadequate. The last thing leonard wanted to do was be the one who made him feel like he wasn’t good enough. Especially since Leonard thought that Jim was the complete opposite of inadequate.
In fact, he thought Jim was absolutely perfect. Sure the Captain was reckless and a little bit short sighted at times. He was great at getting himself into trouble, convincing people to sleep with him and making Leonard worry more than should be humanly possible.
Jim Kirk, however, was absolutely perfect. He was smart, sweet, pulled Leonard out of his shell and forced him to have fun in a situation that he was terrified of, and was probably the best thing to happen to Leonard in the history of the universe.
So the idea of making Jim feel like he was inadequate was something that Leonard did not want to deal with at all. However, the situation had forced him into a corner and he couldn’t exactly keep himself quiet when Jim was trying his best to get him naked.
“Sorry.” He continued to keep his eyes squeezed shut, even more afraid to look at Jim when he heard the hurt in the Captain’s voice. “I just…i thought that maybe you liked me…”
Leonard’s eyes snapped open, staring at Jim in shock while the Captain tucked his hands into his pant pockets and turned around in his spot.
“No, Jim…” Leonard reached out to grab the other man’s arm, squeezing it gently when Jim tried to pull away “that’s not what i meant. i …i do like you. Hell Jim, i love you.”
Jim turned to look at him, search the expression on his face for a moment and raising an eyebrow. “Then why…”
“I just don’t want to have sex with you.” Leonard supplied, wincing when Jim tilted his head to the side “i mean, i’m…. Can we.” Slapping a hand over his eyes, Leonard groaned. “Can we pretend i didn’t just say that? I feel like i screwed up again.”
“I’ll let you have one more go at that.” Leonard could tell that Jim was attempting to act like he was enjoying the situation, but there was still an underlying hurt in his voice.
“I…” he glanced around the hallway and frowned “can we talk in my room?”
For a moment it looked like Jim was going to try and make an escape, but thankfully he decided to entertain Leonard’s request instead and punched in his code to the door behind him. A code that Leonard had given him on their second day on the ship, since Jim liked to barge into the room without warning and it would cause a lot less alarm if he did so with a personal code instead of the Captain’s code.
Keeping his hand on Jim’s arm, Leonard led the both of them into his quarters and directed the Captain towards the couch in his living room while the door closed behind them.
“So, i take it this is something you don’t really like talking about?” Jim inquired, his eyes scanning over the room as if he was already looking for an escape.
“It’s not that, i just would rather have this conversation privately.” Leonard supplied in response. “I mean, this isn’t an embarrassing conversation or anything. I just think it would be better if we didn’t risk being interrupted.”
“Oh…” now Jim turned his attention down towards his hands and took a seat on the couch. “So, you don’t want sex with me?”
“Let me be a bit more clear.” Stepping up into Jim’s space, Leonard knelt down in front of him and brought his hands up to his face “i love you Jim. i have loved you for a ridiculously long time and i really want to be with you. I want us to work if that’s what you want. As for sex, no. i don’t want sex with you.
“Well, that’s a long winded way of saying ‘no’ to sex” Jim whispered, frowning when Leonard placed a hand over his mouth to shut him up.
“I don’t want sex with anyone, Jim.” He clarified, his hand moving off of Jim’s mouth slowly. “I’m Asexual. I don’t like the idea of sex. i have no interest in it at all.”
“Oh.” Jim took a moment to process this new information before smiling “is that all?”
“Is that…is that all?” Leonard’s eyes went wide while he tried to process Jim’s question.
“Ya.” Jim nodded, a smile plastered on his face. “If you don’t want sex, we won’t have sex. It’s as simple as that.”
Well, this was unexpected.
“No sex…” Jim nodded his confirmation “and you…you’re fine with that?”
“I want to date you, not fuck…well ok that’s wrong.” Jim brought a hand up to his hair and chuckled “i do want to have sex with you, but i can handle not having sex so long as i still get the cuddles and relationship part of you.”
“You, Jim Kirk, can handle not having sex?” Leonard asked skeptically. For most people that may have been a believable comment. Jim Kirk, however, did actually have a new person in his bed every week and it was common knowledge that he loved sex. A life without sex for Jim just wasn’t something Leonard could see happening. It’s why he had given up hope on a relationship with the Captain back in the Academy.
“I know i’m a bit…ok i like sex a lot.” Jim chuckled softly “but you’re not the first asexual person i dated.”
“And how did that end?” Leonard asked with an unamused ton.
“She dumped me because she fell for someone else.” Ok, now he kind of felt bad for doubting Jim. “we were together for a year though.”
“And you were fine?” Asked Leonard, his worry still not satisfied quite yet.
When Jim moved off of the couch he started to panic. Had he said something wrong and screwed everything up? Did he need to give Jim space to process everything and decide if this was what he really wanted?
Leonard had gotten used to the idea of never being with Jim, but now that there was a chance he didn’t know if he could do it again. He wasn’t sure he could survive being the one to screw up his shot with the most amazing person he had ever met.
His worries only subsided a little when Jim knelt down in front of him and brought both of his hands up to cup his face. “I like sex, Bones. That doesn’t mean i need it to survive.” Jim smiled “there are ways to deal with my sexual urges without another person. I started figuring that out with my first asexual partner and i just kept learning new ways as time went on. It’s useful knowledge to have.”
“So you…” Leonard searched Jim’s eyes, looking for an answer to his unasked question.
“I still want to do a check up,” Jim smiled softly “and i still want to cuddle and kiss and wake up with you. I want everything that i can have with you. Everything you’re willing to give. But no, Bones. I don’t need sex, and yes i want to be with you.”
Nodding his head, Leonard covered Jim’s hands with his own and smiled weakly. “You want a relationship, with me?”
“I absolutely do.” Jim confirmed, chuckling when Leonard shook his head in disbelief. “It took me a while to figure out. Even longer to admit and far too long to finally act on. Heck, you had to come back with a ripped shirt and blood on your side.”
“That is a normal occurrence for you.” Leonard pointed out with a soft chuckle.
“Yes, but you’re much better at dealing with the idea that i’m injured.” Jim counted.
“That’s because it’s a normal occurrence with you and i had to get used to it or risk dying of worry before i reach 50.” pressing his cheek against Jim’s left palm, Leonard smiled softly and watched as Jim leaned in close and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You can do the check up, but i’m taking off my own clothing.”
“I can live with that.” Jim chuckled “so long as i get cuddles after, maybe?”
Leonard took a moment to pretend like he was thinking about it, laughing when Jim groaned in response. “I think cuddles would be a great idea.” he agreed “and tomorrow i’m going to set a nice table here in my quarters and make us a home cooked meal and when you get off shift we are going to have dinner together. Deal?”
“Deal.” Jim beamed proudly.
