pairings: idol!jake x f!reader
genre: slight angst, fluff, suggestive
synopsis: after a difficult day of practice, jake finally breaks down and admits to you how terrified he is of losing you while chasing his dream as an idol. wrapped up together in the comfort of your bed, you reassure him that you never want him to choose between love and ambition. with soft kisses, teasing, and quiet affection, jake learns that home has always been wherever you are.
the mirrors in the practice room made everything feel sharper.
every mistake looked bigger reflected back at him. every missed count, every half second of hesitation, every moment his mind slipped somewhere else and left his body to catch up on its own.
jake wiped at the sweat on his jaw with the back of his hand, chest rising too fast. the music still pulsed through the speakers, bass vibrating under his sneakers, but it felt distant somehow. muffled. like he was underwater.
“again from the chorus.” the choreographer’s voice cut through the room. everyone reset.
Heeseung stretched beside him, rolling his shoulders. “you good?”
jake nodded automatically. “yeah.” it was a lie so easy it almost scared him.
the beat dropped again. they moved.
jake’s body knew the steps. years of training had carved rhythm into his bones, taught him how to hit every beat clean, how to make movement look effortless even when his muscles burned.
but today something was off. his thoughts kept slipping.
to your laugh from last night over facetime when you were telling him about the weird old lady at the grocery store who’d accidentally stolen someone’s cart.
to the way your hair had looked falling into your face when you yawned.
to the quiet in your voice when you’d said, “you sound tired.”
to the fear that had been sitting under his ribs for months now.
the kind that didn’t go away just because he smiled on stage.
what if one day she gets tired of this.
what if one day she looks at all the waiting, all the secrecy, all the moments he misses, and decides it’s too much.
his foot landed half a beat late.
silence crashed into the room.
jake blinked, breath hitching. everyone was looking at him.
the choreographer frowned slightly. “you’ve been somewhere else all day.”
jake bowed his head quickly. “sorry.”
the others peeled off toward the water station, murmuring to each other. jake stayed where he was, hands braced on his knees, trying to catch his breath and his thoughts at the same time.
hated when his head got loud enough to leak into the one thing he’d always been sure about.
dancing had always made sense. music had always made sense.
you had become the other thing that made sense. and lately it felt like the world kept trying to make him believe he couldn’t keep both.
a bottle of water appeared in front of him.
Sunghoon stood there, brows slightly raised.
“you look like you’re about to combust.”
jake let out a tired breath that almost sounded like a laugh. “thanks.”
jake took the bottle. “just tired.”
sunghoon gave him a look that said he was not buying that for a second.
jake stared at the floor. that was answer enough.
sunghoon sighed and leaned against the mirror beside him. “you know, for someone who’s supposed to be good at expressing emotions on stage, you suck at doing it in real life.”
jake huffed. “you all are way too involved in my life.”
“because you pace around the dorm at three in the morning like a divorced father.”
that got a real laugh out of him. sunghoon’s expression softened.
jake twisted the bottle cap until it clicked.
“i just…” he exhaled sharply. “i keep thinking about the future.”
jake rubbed a hand over his face.
“what if i wake up in five years and realize i gave everything to this dream and she’s gone because i wasn’t there enough?”
sunghoon was quiet for a second.
“and what if,” he said finally, “you wake up in five years and realize you spent all that time being scared instead of actually loving her properly?”
“you’re acting like losing her is inevitable. like heartbreak is some deadline you’re trying to beat.”
he nudged jake lightly with his shoulder.
“you know what’s actually going to ruin things?”
“if you keep deciding for her what she can handle.”
because deep down, jake knew.
you had never once asked him to choose.
you had never once made him feel guilty for his dream.
every time he apologized for missing dinner, for calling too late, for being exhausted and distracted, you’d just smile and tell him to come over when he could.
you made room for him in your life without asking him to shrink.
and still, fear sat in him like a splinter.
sunghoon deadpanned. “go see your girl before you lose your mind and forget the bridge section again.”
jake rolled his eyes, but smiled.
sunghoon shrugged. “just stop dancing like you’re in a breakup montage.”
it was almost one in the morning when jake finally unlocked your apartment door.
the place was dim except for the warm glow of your bedside lamp spilling into the hallway.
he slipped off his shoes quietly, shoulders aching from practice, from schedules, from holding too much inside all day.
but the second he stepped into your bedroom, something in him loosened.
you were in bed on your side, one leg bent under the blanket, oversized sleep shirt slipping off one shoulder. your phone lit up your face in soft blue light while your thumb scrolled lazily.
you looked up at the sound of the door.
and smiled. there it was. home.
your voice was sleepy and soft and it nearly undid him on the spot.
you set your phone down. “you’re late.”
“mhm.” you studied his face. “long day?”
he just crossed the room in three long steps and climbed into bed beside you.
then immediately wrapped himself around you.
you let out a surprised laugh as he buried himself against your side, arms locking around your waist like he’d been starved for this exact moment. his face tucked into your neck, breath warm against your skin.
another hum. tighter this time.
you smiled softly, fingers already finding his hair.
his curls were damp from practice, soft between your fingers. you scratched lightly at his scalp and felt him melt almost instantly.
his whole body went slack against you.
“rough day?” you asked again, quieter now.
he nodded against your neck.
the motion tickled. you smiled and kissed the top of his head.
for a while, he just stayed there.
your shampoo. your lotion. the familiar warmth of your skin and sheets and the faint lavender detergent you always used.
all the things he’d missed without even realizing it.
your fingers moved slowly through his hair, soothing, patient. never pushing.
because you were always like this.
soft where the world was sharp.
gentle where he was hard on himself.
his voice came out muffled. “i had a bad practice.”
you tilted your head slightly. “bad how?”
“because you were tired?”
“because i was thinking.”
despite everything, he smiled against your skin.
“sunghoon said the same thing.”
he finally lifted his head enough to look at you.
your hair was messy from laying down, eyes a little sleepy, lips pink and familiar and devastating.
he didn’t know how to explain that this exact sight was part of the problem.
how terrifying it was to love something this much.
“what were you thinking about?” you asked.
jake stared at you for a second too long.
your expression softened.
the words had sat inside him for months, sharp and ugly and heavy. but here, with your hand in his hair and your leg tangled with his under the blanket, they felt less impossible.
“sometimes i’m scared i’m going to lose you.”
his eyes dropped. “because of this life.”
you went still beneath him. “jake…”
“i know it sounds stupid.”
“i love what i do. more than anything. performing, touring, making music. it’s everything i’ve worked for.”
you brushed your thumb over his cheek.
“because i love you too,” he said helplessly. “so much that sometimes it scares me.”
he laughed softly, bitterly.
“there are days i miss so much. dates, dinners, random nights like this. i’m always tired or gone or distracted and you never complain, and somehow that makes me feel worse.”
“i don’t want to wake up one day and realize i made you lonely while i was chasing something else.” his voice cracked.
“i don’t want to have to choose between you and my dream.”
the room went quiet. not tense. just still.
the kind of stillness that makes every heartbeat feel louder.
your hand cupped his face fully now. “baby.”
the word alone nearly broke him.
there was no anger in your face. no disappointment. just so much softness it hurt.
“you listen to me very carefully.”
jake almost smiled at your tone.
“i have never once asked you to choose.”
you shifted, guiding him until he was half over you, his weight familiar and warm. close enough that your noses brushed.
“you being an idol is not something i tolerate,” you whispered. “it’s part of you. i love that part too.”
“even when it means i’m gone all the time?”
you kissed his forehead. “even when you’re tired and moody.”
his nose scrunched. “i’m not moody.”
you kissed the bridge of his nose. “you are incredibly moody.”
you smiled and kissed one cheek.
“even when you overthink.”
“even when you shut down.”
“even when you’re scared.”
each kiss was soft and deliberate. like stitching something frayed back together.
jake’s breathing changed. slower. deeper.
his eyes slipped shut for a second as your lips brushed the corner of his mouth.
“and especially,” you murmured there, “when you forget how loved you are.”
something inside him gave.
his hand came up to cradle the back of your neck, thumb brushing your skin.
“you do this thing,” he said softly.
“make me feel stupid for ever doubting us.”
he laughed, breathless. “idiot.”
“yeah,” he said, eyes dropping to your mouth. “mine.”
the word sent heat through you.
you kissed him before he could think too hard again.
soft at first. just lips brushing. a smile shared between breaths.
jake made a small sound low in his throat and kissed you back instantly, like he’d been waiting all day to let himself have this.
your fingers slid deeper into his hair, scratching lightly, and his whole body shivered.
“god,” he whispered against your lips.
“shut up.” he kissed you again to prove his point.
this one deeper. hungrier.
not rushed, but fuller somehow. months of hidden moments and missed hours poured into the space between your mouths.
his hand slid from your neck to your waist under your shirt, palm warm against bare skin.
jake paused instantly, forehead touching yours.
“okay?” the question was immediate. gentle.
you smiled, brushing your nose against his. “more than okay.”
that was all he needed. he kissed you again like relief.
like finally exhaling after holding too much in for too long.
his lips were warm and insistent, tilting your face just right while his fingers spread over your waist, thumb tracing small circles that made your stomach flutter.
you let out the tiniest breath against his mouth and he smiled into the kiss.
you opened one eye. “don’t get cocky.”
you shoved lightly at his shoulder and he laughed, the sound low and beautiful.
then you pulled him back down by the collar.
his grin widened. “yes ma’am.”
“why? you like bossing me around.”
you rolled your eyes, but your smile gave you away.
his eyebrows lifted. “wow. using government nicknames now?”
“kiss me before i change my mind.”
“impossible. you love me too much.” he obeyed gladly.
this time the kiss turned heated quickly. not messy. not overwhelming.
just deep enough to make the room feel smaller.
your leg slid between his and jake made a soft noise that had you laughing into his mouth.
he gasped dramatically and dropped his face into your neck.
you giggled, wrapping your arms around him. “you are sexy, don’t worry ‘bout it.”
he lifted his head suspiciously. “that sounded like pity.”
you brushed your lips over his once, teasing.
then broke into the brightest smile you’d seen all week.
“and yet.” he kissed under your jaw, making you inhale sharply. “you keep me around.”
his mouth lingered there, softer now. slower.
you carded your fingers through his curls again and he all but melted into you.
“love when you do that,” he murmured.
you smiled and tugged lightly at the ends.
“i can’t help being handsome.”
“your ego’s back. guess i fixed you.”
jake looked up at you then, properly. all teasing gone.
just affection so open it made your chest ache.
your smile softened. “fix you?”
“ground me.” his thumb stroked your cheek “when everything gets loud, i come here and it goes quiet.”
you blinked fast. “that’s disgustingly sweet.”
you kissed him again because there was nothing else to do with the amount of feeling swelling in your chest.
this kiss was slower. less desperate. more full.
the kind that lingered until both of you were smiling into it.
jake tucked himself impossibly closer, practically folding into you until his head was on your chest and one arm draped across your waist.
you laughed softly. “comfortable?”
you threaded your fingers through his hair again.
“that too. you know me so well.” his voice was already going warm and drowsy. “you know what the worst part is?”
“i spent all day spiraling just to come here and realize all i needed was this.”
“me in your old shirt while doomscrolling?”
“your standards are low.”
you groaned. “that was terrible.”
he grinned against your skin. “thought so.”
you kissed the top of his head.
“you don’t have to choose, you know.”
“you get to have your dream.”
another kiss to his temple. “and me.”
his arms tightened around you. “promise?”
your heart squeezed. “always.”
jake tilted his head up just enough to look at you.
sleepy. soft. lashes low.
“you made me obsessed with you.”
you laughed under your breath and leaned down.
the kiss was soft and smiling and unhurried.
the kind that tasted like safety.
when you pulled away, he chased you for one more peck, making you laugh.
you shook your head fondly and tucked him closer.
outside, the city kept moving. cars passed. lights blinked. schedules waited.
tomorrow would come with alarms and rehearsals and cameras and all the noise that came with loving someone whose life belonged partly to the world.
but tonight was yours. just this room. these sheets. your fingers in his hair. his heartbeat under your palm. and jake, finally quiet, finally warm, finally certain.
not because life was simple.
not because fear was gone.
