#simon vs fic

[yekoc]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

I’ve been writing chapter-by-chapter fic! It’s terrifying but really fun! Guys, I like this story a lot and I promise I will finish it. Anyway if you want to check it out:

Post Script, by yekoc 

Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier; 12k (so far), M

Simon clicks the little trash icon, and it feels satisfying for a full fifteen seconds. Then he’s staring at his empty inbox, bereft, and it all comes crashing back down--the horrible loneliness of the Ferris Wheel, the fact that he’s going to have to spend the rest of the year trying not to think about who is or isn’t Blue. Who was or wasn’t.

He rubs his eyes, hard, like he can hold a new wave of angry tears back in.

When he opens them, there’s a new email in his inbox.

 [Movieverse AU: Blue doesn't reveal himself at the carnival.]

[redrosydiaz]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Here’s my contribution for the final day, day 7, of Spierfeld Week!

It’s been one crazy week but it was so worth it! I had so much fun writing a fic for everyday! 

I hope you guys like this one!

[nickrbockr]

Simon Vs Fan Fic: Chapter 9 - Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Ao3

“How much longer do you think this will take?”

Nora was complaining as she spun in the chair next to me at Walgreens. I was selecting pictures I spent the better chuck of last week compiling of Bram and I’s pictures together across all social media, my phone, Leah’s phone, all my friends’ phones, and even our parent’s phones. We have all been home from school for two weeks now and it was just a few days before New Year’s Eve

“You didn’t have to come.” I say as I give her side eye.

“I need to make sure you choose the best pictures.” She responds, for once staring at the screen with me and not on her phone.

I loved when she chose to selectively care about me. What are little, sometimes-bratty sisters for? I would pick some and she would nod her head and let out an approval grunt. Others I’d go to select and she would grab my forearm and shake her head. I’d ask a reason and she’d make the photo larger and show me why. She had a good eye when she wanted.

“You have a hundred and fifty selected, isn’t that enough?”

Being able to give Bram a million pictures of us wouldn’t be enough.

“I would rather have too many pictures than not enough,” I say as my hair falls messy on my face.

“Half of the ones of you guys are ruined because of the reflection in the glasses.”

“It’s why I’ve started wearing contacts.” I reply in my annoyed older brother tone.

“And yet that face is still not better to look at.” Nora replied.

“You’re going to make an excellent drag queen someday.”

Nora looked up at me, “Oh, aren’t I already?”

Okay, that one made me laugh. “Let me just check out a few more and I’ll print them.”

I found thirty more and finally hit the print button. The photos started plopping out at the bottom at the same speed as the retail workers. This was going to be awhile. Still, though we weren’t talking, Nora was still not on her phone, but staring at each photo as it fell out like she was ensuring the print looked right.

“Okay, Nora, I’ve never asked you this and I think I deserve to know,” I spin to her. “What is it about Bram that makes you act so different?”

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “What is it about Bram that makes you act so different?”

Repetition. Great.

“My reasons are pretty obvious, Nora.” I answer. “Come on, what is it?”

“I like him.” She answered, almost embarrassed to admit.

I brayed like a horse as my lips trilled. “But you like Nick and Leah.”

“Yeah, but it’s different.” She said trying to avoid eye contact.

“Different how? I’ve known them longer; you’ve known them longer. It just doesn’t make sense and keeps me up at night.” That part was a tad exaggerated. I teased my hair and moved it out of my face.

“Simon, please don’t make me say it.” She pleaded as she stared at the photos.

“No, I think not asking you about it for almost five years is plenty of time,” I reason with her. She looks up and inhales deeply and mouths something very subtly to herself and finally swivels away so I’m looking at her back.

“I like him…because…I like how he makes you feel.” She didn’t look back, like she was talking to the headphones and ear buds dangling on the beige hooks. “I like that you like him and he likes you and because of that you like yourself.”

Nora turned back to me and she allowed tears to fall from her eyes. It made me frown and my lips tremble.

“I remember when we were younger and…you didn’t know that you were gay because you didn’t know what that meant to you yet. We used to play together so much and have so much fun in the back yard with Leah and Nick on the swing set and then one day…it just ended. I would come to you to ask you to play, but you would never feel up for it or you would make excuses that you were too busy. But I could see in your eyes that you so badly wanted to, like you were screaming out to me and I couldn’t help you. It’s when you and Nick and Leah all started to change and I now know that it was puberty, but the free-loving Simon I knew was trapped. I now know that was because you realized something about yourself and you felt like you couldn’t talk to anyone about it, not even us. It was the worst when you were outed and I understood what made you so isolated from us even though you were so present. Then, like magic, you were free. You didn’t skip a beat and you were back to the same fun-loving Simon I knew. I missed that Simon so much and I needed to know that if I couldn’t have freed you that I had to know who did. Then you introduced us to Bram…and how you looked at him was how you looked when you were younger. So full of life and happiness and joy…so when I say I like him, Simon, it’s because he saved you. And I’ll always love him for that.”

Tears fell down my face as more fell from her eyes. She looked up again and wiped under her eyes. I opened my arms and her face broke down as she buried her face into my chest. I gripped her hard as she let it out muffled into my shirt. The pictures continued to fall at a quicker, more rhythmic pace. Finally, she pushed herself away and her face was red and swollen.

“And now you’ve made my makeup run.” She said as she laughed.

I had to wipe my own tears away “Nora, you have to say that…at the wedding. It was honestly the most touching thing I’ve ever heard…and I’m sorry.”

She laughed louder, “Simon, why are you apologizing?”

“I don’t know.”

“I won’t remember what I said exactly.”

“Whip out that phone and type in a note what you do remember, because that was beautiful.”

Nora complied and she quickly typed out as much as she could remember as the photos continued to rain down on the ever-increasing pile. The cashier came over and saw we were both puffy faced and red and gave us a strange look. When the photos finished printing, he gave us a box to place them in and Nora finished with what she remembered. I read it and it honestly made me almost cry again.

“Oh, and one thing Simon. You didn’t say ‘if there’s a wedding,’ you said ‘at the wedding.’” She smiled wide and put her phone back in her pocket.

I pay for the photos and on the way out, I tell her, “When we get home, lets go to the swing set.”

We drive home and I contemplate the deep side of Nora. I wasn’t lying and as soon as we parked, we both raced to the back yard and started going down the obviously-too-small slide and sat on the you’ve-outgrown-them swings and I heard Nora laugh more in the twenty minutes we were out there than I had since high school. It felt like a great breakthrough moment and it made me happy and when we both walked into the house from the back yard, Dad stopped me.

“You convinced Nora to play on that thing again?” Dad asked, genuinely shocked.

“Yeah, why?”

Dad’s eyebrows shot up. “Because she’s been bugging me to get rid of it for years. I always told her no because I wanted the grandchildren to play on it, but it was really because I didn’t want to mess up the lawn.”

“I think it’s safe, Dad.” I reply, patting him on the shoulder.

New Year’s Eve moved from a hum-drum celebration between my friends to a grand ‘ol time where we spilled secrets from the previous year mixed with vodka, rum, whiskey, basically the Mystery Pitcher. This year was going to be even more fun because (not so) surprisingly, Leah invited Ian to come down for a few weeks for our New Year’s Party all the way from South Dakota. The day after Christmas, Leah picked him up from the airport and he’s been staying with us ever since.

“Mr. and Mrs. Spier, you have an outstanding son, he is a gentleman and a scholar and has a hell of a liver.”

Mom’s eyes squinted in judgment as my Dad laughed. I knew Ian and Dad would get along great.

“We’re glad you made it down to Georgia. Was worried we’d only see you up in Connecticut,” Dad said.

“Yes, I’m glad as well. Been meaning to see the place that made Simon into a man. By the way, Mr. Spier, do you happen to like soccer?”

Dad didn’t know much about soccer, but he liked Ian enough to fake it til he made it and Ian called Dad into the living room to discuss it.

“All right Ian, yes – help me I’m in over my head – so tell me about your favorite team.”

“Talk about Argentina.” I offer.

“What’s their team name?” Dad asks.

“Doesn’t matter, Ian will fill in the rest of the conversation.” Leah says as I hand him two beers and he disappears into the living room.

“Thank you again for letting him stay with you,” Leah said to Mom.

“Of course, the more the merrier.” I’m not sure she mean that entirely, but what she did like is me and my friends around the house before we permanently moved away about six months from now.

“You ready?” I ask Leah.

“Duhhhhh, Spier.” She replies.

We go up to my room and we sit on the floor and cut out pictures of Bram and me so they are in various shapes and sizes. My room only had a new desk but other than that hadn’t changed from last summer, which will be super fitting because it will look almost identical for the first time Bram saw it junior year of high school. I rarely wore the Elliott Smith shirt so it would stay in pristine condition, so my room is basically a time capsule.

“How did you invite him down here?” I ask Leah who just finished cutting out a picture of Bram and I when he visited Yale for my first performance as a college student.

“I mean, it wasn’t hard,” Leah said. “He really cares about us.”

I laugh, “Not as much as soccer maybe, but I get your point.”

“No, you don’t. I mean it Simon he really cares about us.” There was a slight smile creeping from her normally neutral face.

“No. Way. Le Burke! Did he ask you out?” I shout whispered.

“Other way around.” She said triumphantly. A smile shot across my face.

“Leah, that’s fuckin’ bad ass. Have you told anyone?”

“Not yet,” She said. “But I had to tell you because he was staying here and because you probably would have figured it out.”

“Subtly off-stage is not his strong suit.” I agree.

“But we’re not going to tell anyone until at least after you propose.”

“You don’t have to do that, Leah.” I tell her, cutting out a picture of Bram and I cheesing out with big smiles and closed eyes.

“No, it’s okay, I like that it’s still pretty much a secret. Very compelling and I discovered keeping it secret is something that actually gets me going if you no what I mean.” We both laugh until Leah catches herself and touches my knee. “Oh! And can we talk about Abby, ‘she’ and Nick makes three?!”

“Oh my god I’ve been waiting so long to talk to you about that!”

“Who do you think it is?!”

We stopped cutting pictures to social media creep on Nick and Abby’s profiles to try to narrow it down to at least five or six suspects. Because that’s what good friends do. The rest of the day turned into cutting the remaining photos and taping them on my door until we put together a pretty badass collage of Bram and I across my door while we brought down the five or six suspects to three or four.

“Si, this looks great.” Leah said, picking up scraps of cut photo paper.

“It does, thanks to you.” I say smiling.

“So are you going to do the rose petals?” she inquires.

“Yeah…yeah I have to, right?” I say. “I think everyone deserves rose petals spelling something out in front of them at least once in their lives.”

“I concur.” She says grinning.

“I also just realized…I’ll have to sleep with my door open or Bram will see everything.” I say, not thinking it through clearly before cutting everything out and hanging it up.

“I realized that after hanging the first photograph, but you looked so darn happy I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“Take it down and put it up later?”

“Absolutely.”

We took all of the photos off and put them into a shoebox that Leah to take home with her. Not that Bram would purposely find them, but with my luck literally accidently come upon them in a weird stroke of luck. When we were done, Leah went downstairs to help Dad with any remaining soccer talk.

“You coming?” She asked.

“No, I got to work on something up here, give me like a half hour.” I almost told her about the poem because she trusted me with the knowledge of her and Ian finally dating, but I want to stick to my guns about this poem being a genuine Simon Spier.

I lay in bed and over the course of about forty-five minutes suss out another good chunk of organized words.

Bzzz.

Bram Hi, I miss you, can I see you?

                            Of course, are you at your house?

. .. … I’m a little closer, come downstairs :)

I quickly hide my notepad in case Bram decides to surprise me between my mattress and look around for any lingering pictures of us. Leave no trace of proposal materials. Bram is essentially all five of the Scooby-Doo characters in one, efficient, beautiful human form.

I walk downstairs and Bram took over from Dad with the soccer talk as Ian was in deep conversation with him. Dad seemed to escape and he walked over to me.

“Is it possible to know too much about soccer?” Dad asks me.

“He’s like a computer that only knows soccer facts, right?” I reply. “It actually impresses the heck out of the ladies at school.”

Bram eyes me talking to Dad and I pretend not to notice. He excuses himself and comes over to me and lays a kiss on my cheek.

“Hey, B” I purr.

“Hi.” He replies through his slightly parted lips, begging for a kiss on them. I comply and he grins. “You know quite a bit about soccer, Jack. At least according to Ian.”

“Are you serious? He talked the whole time and I would just try to remember phrases to repeat back to him and then he’s go off on another tangent.” He replied, almost exhausted looking form the conversation. “How long were you and Leah up there?”

“About an hour?” I reply.

“What were you guys doin’ up there?” Bram asked, in a genuinely honest manner.

Shit.

“They were giving feedback on my music. I finally let them listen to it.” Nora for the save.

“So now I’m not the only ones who heard it?” Bram said, crossing his arms and bulged out his muscular forearms.

“Finally realized Si’s opinion on music could be valuable,” Nora replies.

“I know it is for me, he’s blown up my library.” Bram answered.

The rest of the night had Mom and Dad exit upstairs to bed with Nora heading to a friend’s house. Leah then excused herself as Ian ‘went to Alice’s room to sleep’ and snuck out the back to follow Leah home. It left Bram and me and we headed upstairs to my room. He inhaled deeply.

“Why did you do that?” I said to him through a scrunched face.

“I missed the smell of your room.” He admitted, tucking his chin to his chest as we laid in bed. I saw the little wrinkle he got above his nose when he told me something that he thought was embarrassing. It’s the cutest.

“Oh? And what is that smell?” I ask, cozying up closer to him.

“Your laundry detergent,” He kissed me chin. “Your deodorant,” He kissed my nose. “Your shampoo,” He kissed my left cheek. “Your body wash,” He kissed my right cheek. “Your musk,” He kissed my lips easily as they were hanging slightly apart. “All of it with a hint of Oreos and sweetened coffee.”

“Sugar and spice and everything nice.” I reply as I kiss him back.

In that moment I get mad at myself because I want just propose, right here, right now. I bite my lip and swallow the idea because Bram deserves the best and I want to give him that. It was hard to fight the urge as he looked so beautiful staring directly into my eyes, light glistening from the dark of his pupils.

I know he’d say yes right now, without hesitation. But he deserves to be treated like the king he is, like anyone else who gets proposed to.

“What are you thinking about?” Bram asks, slightly fogging up my glasses.

I run my hands through his hair and massage his scalp as his eyes close.

“You. Always you. Forever you. You?”

I’m rubbing his scalp with my fingertips as a grin grows across his beautiful face.

“You. Always you. Forever you.”

“I’ve been quoted by the famous Abraham Greenfeld? I’m going to be a star!” I say in an old radio announcer voice that causes Bram to adorably laugh and show his teeth in a huge smile. I take that opportunity to kiss him again as his lips close around mine. I rub his scalp until I know he’s asleep. I can feel the minute elevation from my side of the bed from my notebook and know, in that moment, how to finish the poem.

[redrosydiaz]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

My contribution for day 5 of Spierfeld week!! 

I’ve been working on this one for a while now and I’m so happy I finally was able to finish it and post!! Hope you all like it!

[nickrbockr]

Simon Vs Fan Fic: Chapter 7 - I Wore Contacts Today

Ao3

Warning - Explicit Scene

It was finally the weekend where I get to visit Bram in Baltimore. Spamalot closed last week and the next show was a some what new play by a local playwright. I had a lead role in this but we were given the weekend off of rehearsals because our professors knew how college students were about this holiday. I kissed Leah on the cheek after we had lunch Friday and I threw my suitcase in the back seat. Ian was also there, sad that I was leaving this weekend.

“Can’t you just tell Bram to come up here this time?”

“It’s my turn to go there, he’ll be up again.”

“Ugh, but not probably until Spring Semester.”

“Sorry, he’s a little grumpy because he hasn’t had lunch yet.”

“I’m not grumpy” Ian replied in a pouty tone. “But I am hungry. I need to go into the house; I’m raiding the fridge. Safe drive Simon.”

The door shut quickly behind him. Ian was also a little angry because it was Halloween (Halloweiner) weekend and I was going to Bram’s stomping ground. It worked out perfectly because this will be the first time in all four years of college that we can dress as a couple for Halloween! Bram had been a pretty safe Halloween dresser in college, only going as a soccer player. But knowing we’d be together on Halloween, he was willing to branch out.

“What were you thinking of?” I asked Bram a few weeks ago.

“I don’t know, but definitely a couple costume. I want this Halloween to be fun and cute and Disney for you and me.” He replied. It was becoming harder for him to hide the thirst in his voice for us to be together again. “I also wouldn’t mind if it was…uhm…”

I could imagine Bram blushing on the other end and it made smile.

“I wouldn’t mind if it was...a more revealing costume than conservative.”

“For you or for me?”

“Both.”

Hot. Hot, hot, hot.

“Bram,” I said, “I can imagine you in so many revealing costumes.”

“It can’t just be any costume though, it has to be us…I want to show you off at the party.”

Then it clicked. I knew what we could be. “Bram, I have the perfect idea, trust me, I’ll prepare everything.”

I gathered everything I needed and bought the ones I couldn’t make. I was now on the road and Bram still didn’t know what his Halloween costume was going to be.

“If I guess it can you at least tell me if I’m right?” He asked into my earbuds.

“Okay, but I don’t think you’ll guess it.” I reply, knowing he won’t.

“Mario and Luigi?”

“Ugh, too cliché now.” I respond.

“Batman & Robin?”

“Nope.”

“Thing One and Thing Two.”

I clicked my tongue. “No, but that one would have been cute.”

Bram guessed a few more minutes but was wrong on all of them.

“Trust me,” I tell him. “As soon as you see it you’ll get it. I hope you like it, you’re going to look super cute.”

“How close are you now?” Bram asked, probably biting his lip out of impatience.

“I just left, B” I laugh. “I’ll be in around 5pm.”

“That’s too long,” Bram moaned into the phone. “I need you here.”

“I’ll drive five miles per hour faster, I’m coming as fast as I can!” I plead.

“Si, I’m laying in my bed between classes and I’m only in my underwear.”

My heart started pumping blood to another extremity of mine as I imagined Bram laying down on his sheets and bulging out of his boxer briefs.

“I need to concentrate on the road, mister.” I say, lying because I didn’t want him to stop talking.

“That’s too bad,” Bram started, “Because, oops, now I’m naked.”

My pupils dilated and I let out an involuntary gasp. I had to unbutton my pants so that I could rearrange myself as I had a raging hard on and it was bending in my jeans.

“You’re bad, Bram. Don’t do this to me now, I want to wait til I can see you.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Bram said, straining and moaning his sentence. “I’m jerking off right now, Si.”

I swallowed hard and couldn’t keep my mouth shut as I kept licking my lips in hunger.

“Abraham Louis, what kind of man have you become?” I whisper into the dangling microphone. “What if I told you that I had to unbutton my jeans because hearing you talk about yourself doing that got me so hard I needed to let it out?”

Bram sensually breathed into the phone. “It’s out while you’re driving?”

“Yeah,” I reply. Cars are passing me on the highway because I am going five miles under the speed limit.

“You’re crazy,” Bram replied. “You’re so crazy sexy. But you’re right, I want to wait to see you too. But how am I going to go to my one o’clock class with this boner?”

My dick jumps at the thought of Bram laying in bed, extra hard, trying to put on jeans to hide himself.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to control myself when I see you, Bram.” I warn. “I would suggest to Nick that he finds himself away from your apartment between five and six-thirty tonight.”

“An hour and a half?” Bram purrs. “Ugh, yes, Simon. I will fulfill your wish.”

I was hard until just before I reached New York City, which was good because traffic was right next to my windows and could have seen everything.

Once I was outside of New York I began thinking about the proposal. I know I’m used to doing the sweeping romantic gestures, but when I asked Bram’s parents for their blessing, I didn’t do it in front of a group of people, I did it in a one-on-one setting. And it was perfect.

Maybe there’s a time and place for the grand romantic gestures, but maybe when it comes to this proposal that the perfect scenario would be a place just for us. People were there for the ferris wheel moment and that was great, but the most fun moment was in the car the next day when Bram and I skipped lunch to eat Oreos in his car.

 And if you have a minute why don’t we go, talk about it somewhere only we know.

The Keane song played on the radio as I thought about the place only Bram and I know, and that’s our emails. For old time sake, we would cutely email each other from the fake emails fun messages. It would cause us then to review our old conversations and remind us how we fell in love and what we overcame and finally what we’ve built.

The more and more I thought on the drive, the more and more I convinced myself that perhaps my gut was wrong and that what’s best for us was a nice, Bram-style proposal: me and him and dinner. I needed to talk to Dad.

“Hey big guy!” Dad answered the phone. “How’s the drive?”

“Hey Dad it’s good, I just passing Philly so just about another hour and half.”

“You’re making good time. So what’s going on?”

“All’s I’ve been doing is thinking on this trip, and I wanted your opinion.”

“Shoot.”

“I’m thinking now about making it a more intimate proposal to Bram.”

Dad sucked in air through his teeth. “You’re trying to cut out your mother, I get it. Will it be weird if I’m still there?”

“No, Dad, I’m thinking of not having anyone but Bram and I now. What do you think?”

“I think,” Dad started, “That it’s your proposal and you have to do it in the best way you know how.”

“Yeah, but will that be the best way?”

Dad was silent, too silent. “When I proposed to your mom, I did the ring in the cake after a good dinner and she loved it. It was just us, at a restaurant, surrounded by strangers, but everyone still claps and congratulates you.”

That didn’t sound too bad. If I did the dinner thing, there would still be people there. But if people will be there, should I make sure it’s his family and friends?

“Simon,” Dad continued, “whatever you decide will be great. If I can give you any advice, Bram is a planner, he plans things and he knows every step. Try something so unexpected, so out of character from you that you’ll surprise him.”

“Thanks Dad.”

“I’m sorry kid, I wish I could help you more, but this is something you gotta decide on your own.”

“Don’t be sorry, I know, I know.”

“Okay, well do you want me to tell your mother you’re possibly booting her from your proposal?”

“Oh, god no. I can leave the house, you gotta live with her. I’ll tell here as soon as I decide.”

“Thanks for having my back, Si. Alright, go have fun, tell Bram hi for me.”

I pull over and fill up the tank and think about what Bram would expect from me. He knows I give things away accidently, he knows I am about showing all my cards, he knows I like grand romantic gestures. The opposite of that is literally Bram, so maybe the last thing he’ll suspect would be to do something extremely casual and then proposing.

The gas pump clicks and I fill it up until it’s an even dollar amount. I know you’re not supposed to do it, but I will add twenty extra cents to make it an even forty dollars.

Bzzz

Bram I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’m missing you more even though you’re so close!

                                           Just about an hour away, had to stop for gas

. .. … Why is it cute to think about you pumping gas? Am I weird? Be sure to pick up some peanuts Mr. Peanut! ;)

                                                       I was hard for so long after we spoke

. .. … Now I’m picturing you as Mr. Peanut, but with a humongous boner. And now I am sexually attracted to Mr. Peanut, thank you.

                      It was only a matter of time. I’m getting on the road again.                                                                                        See you so soon.

. .. … I love you Peanut. ;)

That better not transition into a new nickname, but if it did, I would only hate it until I head Bram say it in person because he can make any word sound sexy if he wants to. Ugh, I can’t think about the proposal anymore or it’ll stress me out and then Bram will notice and he’ll ask what’s wrong and I’ll probably let is slip. I gotta focus on this weekend and the sexy costume for Bram.

“Simon…Jesus Christ.” Leah commented after I laid out our outfits on my bed three days ago.

“What?” I adjust the fabric to let them lay out more.

“Are you positive Bram meant this when he said he wanted to be less conservative?” She asked.

“I don’t know, but it can be as revealing as he wants it,” as I point to an intricate part of the costume.

“That’s true,” Ian added. “So which one is Bram going to be?”

“That one,” I pointed to on the bed. “Definitely that one.”

Ian cackled. “Oh…Okay, I can see it now.”

“No you can’t,” Leah accused.

“Yeah, I can’t. Sorry, Si. But it looks like you’ll have fun. Hug Bram for me.”

I pulled into a guest parking spot outside of Bram’s building five minutes early. So efficient, Bram would be so proud of me.

“You’re here five minutes early, that’s….really hot for some reason.”

Bram told me as he opened the door. We fell into each other’s arms and kissed as he placed his strong hands on my cheeks and pulled my lips against his soft, open ones. My hands wrapped around his waist and I could feel his back became more muscular. I leaned back to catch my breath but Bram was too hungry and followed me as he found my lips immediately and pulled me wantingly towards his hips.

Our thighs pressed against each other as I moved from his lips to his neck. Bram moaned and tilted his head up and let his hot breath roll past my ear. I leaned up to his ear and whispered.

“I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” he replied. He proceeded to place his lips on my neck now and lightly suck and caress my skin with is tongue. Our hips were moving against one another as we stepped into Bram’s apartment and closed the door.

I pushed my suitcase to the side with my foot and pushed Bram onto his living room couch. He looked me up and down with his sexy brown eyes and licked and bit his lip as his right leg dangled off the couch. I took off my shirt and Bram immediately inspected my body as his eyebrows shot up. I teased him by not straddling him on the couch and his eyes started to beg. I smiled coyly and looked at his bedroom door and started walking to it. I opened it just as Bram followed me inside his room and shut the door behind him.

I used the opportunity to pull up his arms and pin him against the door as he exhaled sharply as he arched his back and his butt rubbed against my crotch. My lips found his neck again and I kissed the spot that always made Bram shiver and moan. I spun him around and shoved him back against the door and moved quickly back to his tender lips.

I’m not sure why because I had never done this before, but I picked Bram up off his feet by his butt and it surprised him in the best way. His confused, sexy look was followed by wrapping his strong legs around my lower back as he aggressively resumed to kissing me.

I carried him to his cutely made bed and laid him on his back as I crawled onto it myself. I unbuttoned my pants and observed my boyfriend as he removed his shirt and his sexy brown skin looked flawless as ever. My pants dropped quickly around my feet as I kicked them off, sporting a solid boner through my boxer briefs.

“I’ve had this since you left me in August.” I tell him between pants.

“I’ve had this since I saw you in high school,” he replies, eyeing down to his print through his jeans. I unbutton and unzip them as I kiss the skin near his belly button. I can see his muscles respond as they flex and relax with pleasure.

I remove and throw his jeans onto the ground and immediately follow them with his boxer briefs until Bram is laying on the bed completely naked and I lose it. An animalistic urge overcomes me and I throw his legs on my shoulders. I lean between his legs, lips on his lips and hand on his penis, stroking it to work out his moans.

My other hand lays gently on his cheek as my fingers extend into his hair I gently pull his hair back to reveal his neck and plunge my lips upon his flesh.

“Si, top drawer.”

I open it and put the lube on my hands as I start to touch both of us as he lays down. I don’t want him to do anything. He’s not going to work at all right now, only lay back and allow me to make him feel physically what he makes me feel emotionally every single second since we’ve started dating.

His eyes cross and mouth dances, trying to properly manifest what he is feeling as I take my hand of myself and place more lube on it to rub between his round, full cheeks. Bram squirms as I apply a bit of pleasure and pressure and moans something I couldn’t hear. I continued until he place his hand on my wrist to stop me from jerking him off.

“St…stop. I need you inside me, right now.”

That sentence has never been such a turn on and the animalistic side took over. My finger began to softly and slowly enter Bram as his chest raised in lowered in ecstasy. I started with one finger until few minutes I added another. His head shot back in pleasure as it rolled slowly from side to side like he was trying to break through the bed. I removed my fingers and removed my boxer briefs that had pre come and lube residue.

“Right now, Si. Right. Now.”

I complied silently but my eyes told Bram a story as he stared deeply into them, extremely attentive to the tiniest of details. I rubbed more lube on and approached Bram, both legs still on my shoulders and I pressed myself into him.

Bram made non-verbal, extremely sexy noises as I made my way in. It felt so phenomenal as his penis seemed to get harder and I saw pre come leak up.

“Oh my god, Si.”

I began to thrust back and forth and the rhythm of our bodies created a symphony of pleasure. I felt every warm part of Bram around me and it egged me on as I increased my pace. I leaned more into him as he cried out in pleasure.

I pushed him further onto the bed and moved one of his legs off my shoulder, changing how deep I could go. I saw on his face how I reached the next level pleasure as he bit his lip and grabbed my butt to pull me in deeper. His eyes rolled back and his mouth couldn’t stay shut.

Like adding fuel to the fire, knowing I was causing him so much ecstasy made my thrusts longer, deeper, and more passionate. His fingers dug into the flesh of my lower back.

“Fuck…Si…Oh my fucking…Fuck.”

Nothing got me hotter than making him speak in fragments or when I made him swear. I had to pick up the pace, the feeling of only Bram around me made the feeling so much closer and deeper and more meaningful and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer.

“OH, Si…Oh shit!”

Some of it landed on his face, most of it landed in the crevices of his neck, and the rest of it was scattered up his abdomen. No iris could be seen as he finished and I could feel him tense around my penis and that was it for me.

It was fire. It was passion. It was love pouring out of me and into him. I gripped him closely to me and fell into his chest and mess and shouted into his shoulder as sweat and panting mixed around my head. When I was sure I was done, I relaxed onto him, sill in him, panting ear to ear.

“I lo…love you.” He panted, a little dazed and confused.

“I love you…love you more,” I panted, a little dazed and confused.

“Impossible.”

I lay next to him on his bed, both of us messy and we soon decide to take a shower.

Together of course.

The lube and sweat and come wash off with little effort from the showerhead and we stand under it, next to each other. Once that has been taken care of, I notice Bram’s biceps and the way the water beads on his flesh. I get half hard again. Bram notices it as it brushes against his leg and he turns to me mouth open, eyes eager for another round.

Our lips kiss as the water washes over our backs, cascading between our black and white skin. Bram is now fully hard again and I squat down and put him in my mouth. It’s such a nice view of his abs when I’m down here as well has is sculpted v-cut and well trimmed pubic hair.

I was down there for about ten minutes until I tasted him. It was sweet, just like Bram. He returned the favor, but I couldn’t last that long. And could you blame me with you have the most gorgeous human being on the planet doing the one thing that proves the closest thing to the manifestation of love?

My toes shoot out as I shoot into Bram’s mouth and like me he swallowed. He came up to my eye level, even though he is a few inches taller than I am and I could see God in his eyes. This is what heaven is. The moments of pure connection with another human. When it’s not about you, but it’s about someone else. My heart pounded as he stared at me through his dripping wet hair

“All of that…was long over due,” I tremble out.

The water falls against my back and down through my leg hair.

“Every moment leading up to right now has been worth it.” He replied. Another kiss was taken, another given.

We finished washing ourselves and each other. I explored his body like I was seeing it for the first time, wanting to memorize ever inch, every area of skin to make mental image of his beauty. Bram got me a towel and he walked out of the bathroom.

The proposal. It was just about Bram and me. No one else. No one else makes me feel both giving and wanting. Selfish and selfless. When I ask him to be mine, to be my husband, for the rest of our lives, I want the moment to be between us and only us.

I dry off and walk naked from the bathroom back into Bram’s. He moved my suitcase into his room and it laid on the foot of the bed with Bram staring at it.

“You so badly want to know what it is, don’t you?” I ask, smiling the biggest smile.

“Almost as much as I wanted to have sex,” he replied, returning a large smile.

“Okay, close your eyes.”

He complies and I set out our outfits on his bed while he impatiently tapped his foot. Once everything was arranged, I put my hands on his shoulders.

“Okay, you can open them.”

He did. And he open mouth smiled and let out a big laugh.

“Slutty Harry Potter and Ron Weasley!” He cackled.

Two Gryffindor robes, my round glasses (I wore contacts today), a red wig, two wands, and two black spandex trunk shorts with a picture of a gold and red tie down the center where our crotches are housed. No shirts, no pants, only robes.

“You're Harry and I'm Ron. I even have something to give you a scar...Do you like it? Is it too much? You can always zip up the robe.”

He turned me towards him and kissed me deeply.

“I love it.”

“Really?” I qualify.

“Really,” He plants another long kiss on my lips. “My Harry Potter nerd.”

[nickrbockr]

Simon Vs Fan Fic: Chapter 8 - Chemistry Plus Timing Times Confidence

Ao3

November didn’t last long and we were all finding ourselves at the airport to fly home for Thanksgiving. Leah and I booked our flight together, of course, and we sat at our gate with snacks, Leah with something healthy, me with Oreos of course. She was using airport wifi to work on a last-minute article for Buzzfeed and I was texting Bram and playing time wasting games on my phone.

Thanksgiving wouldn’t be all fun and games for Leah this year. As a member of the five-year reunion committee they took this advantage to schedule a meeting to help decide when and where (and if time, why?).

I broke the news to Mom and Dad that I decided to propose to Bram alone. Mom was hiding the fact she was just a little disappointed with rehearsed responses, but she was still supportive. Dad was supportive and he let me know that this was unlike me.

“So you’re going the surprise route. I must say that I’m surprised you picked that path. Bram won’t know what’s coming.”

Dad also told me he had finally taken care of the rings, but that I couldn’t see them yet.

“I want it to be a surprise to the both of you.” Dad told me over the phone. This, surprisingly, only hiked up my anxiety a little.

Since Halloween weekend with Bram, I’ve been uncharacteristically calm. I felt like I experienced an awakening and became more mature. Or that I've been being slipped Valium by Leah unknowingly. Either way, it was a weird feeling as I’ve lived with anxiety Simon for so long.

“Okay Dad, I get it, but I’ll need to see them eventually, like when I actually propose to him?” I say sarcastically.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, don’t worry you’ll love it!”

I hung up the phone and Leah looked at me with nostalgia. “I can’t believe it’s already Thanksgiving. This year has flown the F by.”

“You’re telling me, the show opens next week. It felt like I just came back from visiting Bram.”

After that weekend, Bram returned to flying under the radar, though he always made sure to text me between classes and work. Seems his busy year picked right back up, but he’ll be home this week for Thanksgiving, giving us an opportunity to spend a decent amount of time with each other.

“We’re two months away from the proposal,” Leah started, patting my knee. “How do you feel?”

“We're?” I laugh. “Yeah, I feel really great about it.”

“Good, you should. I think it’s nice you’re doing it privately.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s so unlike you that it will be an honest surprise to Bram. He’ll love it.”

Her phone vibrated and she laughed.

“Ian says hi.” She showed me a picture on her phone of Ian taken in our kitchen after finding the food we  cooked for him. It was a surprised and happy face. He couldn’t go home this year for Thanksgiving and Leah and I didn’t like that, so we cooked him all the typical side dishes found at Thanksgiving and left him instructions on how to cook the small chicken. I know it wasn’t turkey but we didn’t think Ian could eat an entire turkey in a few days…right?

“So Ian’s cool,” I state, obviously trying to pick Leah’s brain over a suspicion I’ve had for a few months. They were subtle hints, but only ones me or Nick could have picked up.

“Yeah, he is. It’s nice you have him up here so we can share your Simonisms.” She said as she bit into her apple. “I was worried because I didn’t have Abby or Nick to help me, but everything worked out great.”

“Uh-huh…you know, Ian has yet to have a long-term girlfriend, just so you’re aware.” I pretended to go right back to the game on my phone.

Leah turned and eyed with a defensive glare. “And why would that interest me at all?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I think that at his core, Ian is a relationship guy who just never found the right girl to show him that.”

I turn to meet her defensive glare that now downgraded to a mild annoyance glare. “How could you tell?”

“You laughed when he burped, Leah.” I say, laughing. “You’ve never laughed at a bodily function before and Nick is full of them."

She smiled. “I dunno. Maybe I’ve changed too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, I think I’ve softened in college.”

“Is that a bad thing?” I ask.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Well,” I turn my body towards her in the uncomfortable airport chairs. “I personally don’t think you’ve changed that much. The only thing that I noticed is that you’re still the powerful, determined Leah that I’ve always known. But you know, even a porcupine can petted if you rub it the right way.”

“I’m a porcupine?!” Leah laments, laughing. “You’re the worst.”

“I don’t think you’re comprising yourself by falling in like with someone we’ve known for three years.” I follow up in a more serious tone with a small, Simon smile. “I mean Bram and I knew each other since Freshman yeah of high school and we never talked. But he couldn’t help the feelings he developed and I’m glad he took a change. Albeit, a long, drama-filled chance, but a chance nonetheless.” I finish smiling again.

“Maybe that’s it. That I know your proposing and my biological clock began to tick. Ugh! I hate it.”

“Don’t hate it, Leah. But you also don’t have to act on anything if you’re not ready or don’t want to. That’s the whole thing with dating, it’s chemistry plus timing times confidence.”

Leah quietly grabbed my hand to both thank me and to get me to stop talking about it. And I did.

We got on the flight and it always surprised me how short it was. As soon as I would get into my book, the pilot would tell us they were preparing for arrival.

Mom and Dad picked us up from the airport and Nora was in the back seat as well.

“Hey Si, Leah,” Nora spoke, not looking from her phone as we got into the back seat of the car. It appeared she eased into the new band she was forming with her friends in our garage to Dad’s quiet displeasure (I can’t get ot my tools when I need them cause they’re in there every day!). Seems she needed to over compensate in cool since the last Spier attended Creekwood.

“Busy as usual, Nora. Thanks for taking the time out of your schedule.”

She shoots me the peace sign and returns to her phone. If Bram were with us, she’d be already deep in conversation.

“Alice won’t be here until Thanksgiving day itself,” Mom informed me, a bit of melancholy in her voice. “Her trip was extended because apparently library staff can’t understand how computers work!” Mom slams the steering wheel to all of our bugged eyes. Don’t try to get between a mama bear and her cubs, no matter their age.

“I’m sure she wishes she could be here.” I reply.

“She does,” Nora responds, showing me the text from Alice saying the exact same thing.

The drive home is filled with questions about school from Mom and Dad to Leah and me and before Leah could answer question seventeen, we were at her house.

“Thanks for the ride you guys.”

“Anytime,” Mom responded. We drove the two seconds to our driveway and as soon as Nick saw the car in the driveway, he came over.

“Nick, how are ya?” Dad said while hugging him.

“Great, New York is craaazzyyy. Having a hell of a time keeping up but that’s what coffee is for right?”

“Right, right. I don’t know how you do it kid, but you’re doing it. Keep it up.”

“Thanks Mr. Spier.”

Nick followed us inside and we both went to my room.

“So Abby wanted me to talk to you.”

“Oh?” I said pulling out my computer and setting on my desk.

“Yeah. So…don’t be mad.” He starts.

“Not the best way to start, but continue,” I tease.

“Abby and I didn’t break up.”

I shot him a puzzled look. “That’s great! Why would I be mad?” I hug him and he hugs me back half-heartedly. I backed up and he was staring at the ground.

“Yeah, we didn’t break up, but we’re in an open relationship.”

My puzzled look returned with greater cartoon expression. “Oh.” My ‘oh’ wasn’t negative or positive, it just was.

“We just thought, that…it would be easier to tell people that we were broken up because if you tell people it’s an open relationship, they just ask so many questions about it.”

“Okay,” I respond, trying not ask questions about it, but I did have one. “Bram knew about this part too, didn’t he?”

“This is the part I didn’t want you to get mad at.” Nick said finally looking me in the eye. I smiled and shook my head.

“Nick, I’m not mad. Not mad at all.”

“Wait, really?” he replied, shocked.

I started to unpack my clothes from my suitcase.

“Really.Bram is a good friend and I never asked about it so he never had to lie, and even if he did have to lie to me he'd have his reasons.”

“Simon? Is that actually you Si?” Nick joked.

“In the flesh.”

“Okay…well I was expecting an entirely different conversation, so now I don’t know what to do.” Nick said, while texting someone on his phone.

“This may sound crazy, but you’re talking to the right guy about lying about a part of your life because you didn’t want to be asked questions immediately or have people think of you differently.” I smile as I place my hand on his shoulder.

“Oh, you mean you and the gayness.” We both burst out laughing as my hand turned to a fist and I punched him.

“Nick, it’s your life. And if you both are okay with it and happy and it works, then why wouldn't I be happy for you guys?”

Nick smiled and kicked around his feet. “Thanks, dude. Really.”

“Duh, ya idiot. So is that it?”

“You want to ask questions, don’t you?”

“SO MANY QUESTIONS!” I yell. “But only one. Is there someone one of you met that drove you to talk about this?”

“Well, we both…kinda met someone. We’re dating her as a couple.”

“No fuckin’ way.” Nick shook his head with a grin. “That’s what you’ve been trying to do since middle school. Two girls?! Middle school you must be so happy.”

“You know it! Best part, it wasn’t my idea, it was Abby’s.”

There was a knock at the door and Abby entered.

“Simon, I’m so sorry I didn’t come with Nick I was so nervous how you’d react and I got scared but I’m so glad you’re not mad at us.” Abby said in one long breath as she hugged me hard.

I told her roughly the same thing I told Nick.

“Si, no offence, but you’re reacting so…chill to all of this.”

“Well, in the interest of being honest, I’ve been much more chill ever since Bram and I stopped using condoms.”

Nick and Abby shot me an expression of happy confusion until Nick spoke.

“Oh, wait, is that a big deal?” Nick said.

“I thought you guys already did that.” Abby added.

“No! And it’s kinda a big deal. It’s hard to explain.”

“Well, whatever you guys are doing to make this Simon appear, keep it up.” Nick said.

“Oh I intend to,” I joke. “So Nick tells me you guys met a gal, huh?”

“Yes, we did…and you’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Abbs, of course. Look I’m happy if you guys are happy. And non-traditional relationships are kind of an automatic for me.”

“Bram was right; we should have listened to him.”

I smiled. I love that Bram knows me so well, like we’re building hive mind. I also love that I’m becoming less of a nuisance to my friends. You do learn a lot about yourself in college. It honestly didn’t bother me and why should it? If this is what they want, this is what they want.

“Me too. I guess I’m growing up. Sorry guys.”

“So only you and Bram know about the open relationship, we’re going to tell Leah tonight and I think it goes without saying to not bring it up to your parents?”

“I don’t know, they were pretty responsive to me telling them I was gay.”

We went downstairs and Mom and Dad made Abby and Nick stay for lunch and they did once Nick deeply inhaled the barbecue pork Mom was cooking in the Crockpot.

“When is Bram getting in?” Nick asked, mouth slathered in barbecue sauce.

“Tonight at eight. He had to stay a little later on Saturday to finish up some work.”

“God that boy works hard.” Abby says, taking a bite of potato salad.

“Attention to detail is his forte,” I reply. “When we first started talking when he was Blue, he told me he figured it was me almost right away due to my speech patterns.”

“Awwww,” Abby crooned.

We talked further about Bram until Dad asked Abby and Nick about their projects in New York. After Nick finished his third sandwich, Abby and Nick bounced leaving me alone with Mom and Dad.

“So, since you’re privately proposing,” Mom said. “Where do you think you’ll do it?”

While Leah slept on the flight, I was thinking of multiple scenarios

“I think I want to give Bram the gold standard of proposals: I want to cook him dinner here-”

“YES!” Mom shouted as Dad placed his hand on her shoulder and calmed her down.”

“Yeah, but no hidden cameras to capture anything, Mom, promise me that.”

“I will be sure she doesn’t,” Dad chimed in.

“So yes, dinner here, then some movies, just…very low key and casual so that he doesn’t suspect anything. Then I will bring him into my room when I’ll have candles on my desk and maybe rose petals on the bed spelling out ‘Bram’ so he has to walk close to it and when he turns around to ask me what this is about I’m already on my knee, with the ring from Dad…and I shut the door and behind it hanging are hundreds of pictures of us from the last four years…but that’s just my first thoughts, what do you think.”

Mom’s hands were clasped around her mouth as she breathed heavily to try to control her tears. Dad nodded his head and smiled.

“That’s a pretty solid first thought, Si. Simple but powerful, always effective, I’m sure he’ll love it.”

“I was thinking of writing him a poem too, you know, get on his level, make him realize how much he means to me.” Bram’s was getting his degree in professional journalism, but he always writes me the best small, three sentence poems that make me swoon even deeper in love with him. “Try to speak his language.”

“Simon, that sounds…perfect.” Mom advised. “The most perfect thing in the world. He will have no choice but to say yes.”

I smile, confidently. Ever since Elijah told me I was confident, I guess I discovered more and more everyday that I really have been, even when I thought I was a coward. People can tell you over and over again that you are something, but unless you are ready to believe it yourself, it seems like they’re so wrong.

“Then I better get started, I want to be sure it’s perfect.”

I usually tell at least Leah everything, but this was something that I wanted to stay mine and mine alone. I want it to be so obviously me that Bram knew I wrote it with no help from an outside source. But, it seems it’s easier said than done.

My pen taps my notebook as I lay on my bed and stare off in the distance thinking about what things come to my mind when I think about Bram (both appropriate for a poem and less appropriate).

Grammar. Writing. Planning. Cautious. Loving. Smile. Brown eyes. Soccer. Calves. Cute. Sexy.

I know where this going, so I wrote a bunch of words down that came to mind when I thought of Bram and they started forming sentences. Some were nonsensical, but is that what poetry is? Out of a few pages a few good lines jumped out at me, but I wanted to spend more time on it so I hid it between the mattresses (on my side so Bram doesn’t notice if he stays the night).

Bzzz.

Bram I’m about to board, I’ll see you so soon! <<33

 Safe flight! I will be there to pick you up :)

. .. … I love telling people my boyfriend is picking me up from the airport. My boyfriend. Is it still weird to hear yourself say that phrase?

 Kinda. Only because it wasn’t something I thought could be an option Then I met you and I forgot all about that

. .. … Listen here, I was the one with the crush on you first! Jacques a dit. Oh, my group is next, see you shortly!

I can feel his energy in his text messages and its infections, flowing through my fingers, into my blood, and directly to my heart. Little Brams running through my blood and posting up in my heart. Well, his heart, cause I have his and he has mine per his poetic musings.

I quickly write that thought on my pad and bide my time with Nora until it’s time for me to leave for the airport.

I be sure to get there early and circle the arrivals area until he texted me that he landed. Round and round until it gets me dizzy like feel every I see Bram for the first time if it’s been more than a day.

And there he is, suitcase and backpack, looking like a sculpted statue where the sculptor focused on the calves. I wave to him like a dork because it’s an involuntary reaction when I see him. He tilts his head and smiles as he beelines towards the car.

“Hi!”

“Hi, Peanut!” He says as he places his luggage in the back. I knew I didn’t like it, but I did say I’d easily fall in love with it and it may be working.

He gets in the front seat and my pulse increases as he kisses me tenderly, his lips not chapped from the flight. Anytime we’re in a car together it always brings me back to his Honda Civic the day after the ferris wheel when both of us wanted until we could no longer contain ourselves. I leaned over and kissed him again for bringing the memory back.

“It’s so nice to have a real week off. I didn’t have to bring any work back with me.” He bragged as he picked up my iPod and searched through it to see any new releases to mentally catalog to listen to later. He finally picked a song and leaned his head on my shoulder the entire ride back to my house.

Mom and Dad know in the years of college that the first day we are back in Shady Creek, we stay with each other, this year it happens to my house.

We bring in his things and as soon as Nora hears Bram is in the house she runs downstairs.

“Bram!”

“Hey Nora, aren’t you the girl in that popular Creekwood band?”

“Working on it. You’re staying here this year right?”

“You know it.”

“Awesome. Come listen to some stuff we recorded last week.”

I wish Nora looked at me the way she looks at Bram. He looks at me and nod him away towards her room as she runs up the stairs. He kisses me on the cheek and follows her upstairs. She can borrow him now, I’m going to have him the rest of our lives.

*   *   *   *

“Happy Thanksgiving!!”

This was the first year that, after four years of dating, that I arranged The Greenfeld and Spier families to have Thanksgiving together.

Extra leaves were in our large kitchen table and sat all of us comfortably around it as Ruth ambled around after eating only a few bites of turkey and cranberry sauce.

The Dads sat at the head of the table with their respective wives to their right. Tracy sat on Ellijah’s left next to Bram, who was next to me. On my left Alice and I were in conversation and across from me was Nora and an empty seat to her where Ruth’s mostly full plate resided.

“I’m glad we were finally able to do this,” I mention. “Bram always mentioned we had similar Thanksgiving traditions, especially the one of eating Thanksgiving dinner at dinner time instead of one o’clock.”

“I mean,” Elijah started, “what the heck is that about?”

“No idea,” Dad joked back. Dad was always good at making people laugh. It was never what he said, but how he said it.

“These potatoes are delicious, Tracy.” My mom added.

“Thank you, they’re Abraham’s favorite.”

Bram blushed. It was so cute to see him revert to Quiet Bram Greenfeld when he was eating with a large group of people.

“So how does it feel you two to be almost done with school,” Alice asked while sipping her wine.

“Great,” Bram answered (surprisingly) first. “I’m ready to be done with school assignments and focus on real stories.”

“Yeah,” I add, “Bram’s already looking for places in New York and we have Abby and Nick keeping an eye on any diamonds in the rough.”

“If worst comes to worst, we can always stay with Nick and Abby for awhile.” Bram plans.

I smile lightly because if we’re engaged I don’t want to share him with roommates. I also see Elijah’s eyebrow raise and look at me slightly, knowing I’m going to be an actor trying to make it in New York.

“I know that acting won’t give me that much to begin,” I start.

“Hey,” Bram comforts.

“No, it’s true, but the play that opens next week, the playwright lives in New York and really likes me, so there’s another connection on top of the professor’s former students and friends. Plus Abby and Nick’s connections, I mean knowing a guy from Julliard has to have its perks.”

Tracy smiles and winks at me, almost saying ‘good answer’ as Elijah gives me a surprised smile.

“I can always find a part time job as well, I mean all actors usually wait tables or bartend, I know the risks involved.”

Thanksgiving always turns into an interview.

“We could live in a box on the street in Mid-Town, as long as we’re together.” Bram intervenes, sensing where the conversation could head and stopping it. My Mom smiles at me as Dad nods his head approvingly.

“You guys are always welcome to visit me when I’m in New York, they have a lot of libraries.” Alice adds. “Then we can order room service and bill the company.”

“You know we’ll do that,” I answer.

“The gauge rig is pretty!” Ruth says to Elijah.

I smile at Elijah as he looks at me.

“Gauge rig?” I ask, trying to move the topic off of me and onto one of the fishing terms I remembered from Provincetown. “You already taking her to the ocean?”

Bram looked at me with surprise, probably wondering how I knew it had to do with fishing.

“Just up at Lake Lanier for now, but she’s just like her old man and loves the water.”

Bram looked at me and smiled. “Look at you mister fisherman.”

“What can I say?”

Whew. Thankfully Bram left it at that. Dad’s eyes bugged because mine couldn’t and it made me laugh.

The rest of dinner was wonderful and we all got to talking in various groups. Bram was talking to Mom, Alice, and Nora in the kitchen as Tracy and Elijah and I were in the living room.

“You almost blew your cover there, son.” Elijah joked.

Nervous heat overwhelmed me as I put my face I my palm.

“I know, and I’ve been so good up to that point. Thanks for not asking me how I knew that.”

“Well it’s not a real term anyway, you are meshing two words about fishing together, but luckily you’re not the only actor.” Elijah laughs heartily.

“So, sweetie, do you know how you’re,” she looked at her son in the kitchen deep in conversation with my family. “Propose?” She whispered.

I told them the same thing I told Mom and Dad: roses, pictures, Poem, ring.

“Very nice, Simon,” Elijah approved. “Very nice.”

“That sounds so perfect. I wish I could get it on video.”

“I’ll take pictures after, I promise.” I said, sipping my water. “But now onto the other fun joint family tradition!”

“Let’s do it!”

We all cleared the table and played board games until at least midnight. Ruth had fallen asleep shortly after dinner and was up in my bed.

During one of the breaks in between the games, Bram found me lost in thought looking out the window staring at my old car that was Nora’s now. He laid his head on my shoulder.

“Tonight was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.”

I pulled him closer as we looked at my car. The car we got coffee in and the car I drove Bram to school the entirety of our senior year.

“Tonight was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had too.”

“Come on guys,” Mom pokes her head in. “Time to play Scattergories and hear your father’s stories defending his bad answers.”

Bram and I said we’d be in shortly and Mom left the living room. I pulled Bram closer to me and we shared a kiss and went into the kitchen. We all laughed and played and it was a great, relaxing, family moment of two families coming together. It’s exactly the moment I wanted to repeat every year for the rest of my life.

[nickrbockr]

Simon Vs Fan Fic: Chapter 10 - Lightly Down Unto A Pillow

Ao3

“Can I at least have the ring box?” I request from Dad in more of an order than a question.

Dad could see that it was about that time as he agreed to get the ring and went upstairs to retrieve it.

It was the day before our anniversary and proposal day. At the end of January is when the snow and slush in the streets stops being fun and starts being annoying. This winter break has been wonderful, filled with Abby and Nick explaining all of their fun stories, Leah taking our conversations to use as examples in her sociology finals, and Bram and I spending nearly every single second together.

School was due to start again, but I informed all of my professors before I left for break that I may miss the first few days of their classes. After I told them why, most of them smiled, nodded their heads, and told me they’d email me the syllabi and what I can work on before I come back. One of them even bought me a bottle of wine as a gift.

I finished the poem on New Years Eve with Bram laying on my chest. I both wanted him to stay and leave because I wanted to write the rest of the poem but I could never ask him to leave when he looked so comfortable and I loved seeing him there. The smell of bacon did, however, motivate both of us to get up as we came downstairs to Mom, Dad, Nora, Ian, and Alice.

“Good morning star shines,” Alice said sipping coffee.

“Alice is so cool,” Ian said, shoveling eggs into his mouth. “She doesn’t know too much about soccer, but neither do you, but that’s okay, she makes up for it in smarts.”

“Thank you…what’s your name again?” Alice asks.

“Ian.”

I make Bram and I plates as my family makes small talk over their breakfasts. It was fun seeing everyone sitting and talking and getting along with each other. It made me think of Bram and I’s wedding day and how I would make him plan all of it, mostly because asking his parents, getting the ring, and doing what I’m doing for the proposal took a lot out of me. Plus I know he loves planning, especially with the logistics of a wedding.

I didn’t talk much at the table because I kept repeating the lines over and over in my head that I wanted to add to the poem. I would catch Bram stealing glances at me and it made me so unbelievably happy. I grabbed his hand as I repeated lines over and over again in my head while he ate with his free hand.

We finished breakfast and Bram had to leave as he was getting yet another call from his work. He kissed me on the cheek and ran out to his car. His butt looked so good when he ran; it was the best part of watching him play soccer in high school. Once he drove away, I rushed upstairs to write all the thoughts I kept repeating to myself over and over again through breakfast. I hope nobody said anything too important because I wasn’t listening at all.

There. I did it. I was finally done. I wrote the final poem on a clean sheet of paper and read it over and over again. This was it, I hope he likes it!

Bram and I celebrated his birthday a few weeks later where I was tempted again to propose, but I still didn’t have the ring and Bram deserved a ring. And the proposal, so I obviously didn’t say anything and the normally insightful Bram didn’t even notice my weird energy because he seemed preoccupied himself.

“What’s on your mind?” I ask him. His pensive stare was so stoic, statuesque, and sexy that when I broke his trance, I was a little upset with myself. “Thinking about school?”

“Yeah.” Bram said, a bit hollowly. “Like usual when we get back into the groove of being together we have to go back to being apart.”

“But hey, at least you didn’t have to take the January semester this year, that’s something. And we’re going to be able to be with each other this year on our anniversary.”

When Bram heard the word anniversary, he smiled and his rigidness began to melt as he leaned his head on me.

“You’re right, sorry. I want this year’s anniversary to be the best we’ve had so far.”

I couldn’t agree more. We took anniversaries very seriously since the day in his Honda Civic. It was a big step for him and an important deal for us. It was when, for the first time in a long time, either of us felt so…normal. Not having to hide and having each other every step of the way. It was the reason I wanted to propose on our anniversary, the meaning will be more than obvious. I kissed him on the forehead, knowing what was coming and him (hopefully) blissfully unaware of what was to come. That was last week and tomorrow is the big night.

Dad came back downstairs with a black felt ring box with a red bow wrapped around it. He handed it to me and I took it gently. I know Dad spent a lot of time finding this ring and I could see it in his watering eyes that it meant a lot to him to be a part of the proposal in this way. It’s always hard for sons to tell their fathers properly how much they mean to each other, gay or straight.

“Thank you so much Dad. You know, don’t tell Mom, but now you have the most involvement with the proposal.”

Dad let a smile grow in his face. “You know what, you’re right and I’m going to hold on to that feeling. Speaking of that, how are you feeling? Tomorrow will come super fast.”

“Yep.” I wasn’t as nervous as I could be because of Mom. Yesterday we went shopping and gathered all of the ingredients for dinner. It was nice to have her there to remember all the necessary items I would have forgotten and then I’d be serving Bram and I peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which he would love too but I wanted tomorrow to be more special than PB&J.

“It’s alight to be nervous, Si. They don’t call it float lightly down onto a pillow, they call it jumping in.” Dad is wise as he is nerdy. Now I know where I get it from.

I have the ring and that was the most important (and last) thing on my mental checklist. Leah was on her way over to help me hang the pictures again before she had to go to another reunion meeting at the high school.

“I just don’t understand why they need to meet with you so much.” I ask while we re-tabe the backs of all the cut out pictures.

“There’s a lot of logistics into planning such a big event, Si. Tables, chairs, caterers, hotels, the school itself, and everyone has an opinion.” She replies sticking a picture in an empty spot.

“But to have a meeting every other day the entire time you’ve been back from Yale? What did they do when you were not in Shady Creek?”

“Oh, they did fine. It’s just different when the date grows closer and closer people tend to become more flustered with already decided paths. Speaking of that, you’re calm?” Leah jokes.

“I kinda am…I think I’ve finally taken all of my family’s and friend’s advice. I’m starting to think I should have been doing this since high school, I feel great!”

Leah and I finish the collage of pictures and it looks even better than it did last month when we did it. Alice knocked on the door and Alice brought in the dozen roses I ordered.

“Alice? I thought you had to hit the road?”

“Me too, but it seems the weather has a different story.” She showed me her phone and her flight was cancelled. There’s a storm in Boston, so flights were grounded until further notice. “Apparently it could be a few days, so it looks like I’ll be able so see this proposal after all.”

I smiled so wide and hugged Alice as I took the roses and she patted me on the back.

“So what are you going to spell out anyway?” Alice asked.

“The idea is ‘Abraham,’ but let’s see if a dozen roses is enough.”

Alice, Leah and I all pluck off the petals and pile them up until only green stems remained.

“He loves me, he loves me not.” Leah said, jokingly. We finished spelling Abraha on the bed. I didn’t spell that wrong, we were out of petals.

“You could just disperse the amount of petals so you have enough for the ‘m.’” Alice suggested.

“But I like how the letters look with tighter petal overlap.” Leah commented.

“Or I we could just spell Bram?” I say.

Leah and Alice teamed up with me for a judgmental look.

“Oh, no, no, no, Simon.” Alice starts.

“No-no,” Leah adds.

“Are you proposing to him or are you ‘prop-ing’ to him?” They both walked up to me with glares.

“No nicknames?”

“Correct,” Alice said. “I’ll go buy another dozen. My treat, Bub.” Alice leaves the room and blows me a kiss. While she’s gone, Leah and I begin to unwrap and set up candles around my room.

“This has got to be a fire hazard. And what are your parents going to do with all these candles when you’re done using them for ten minutes?” She asked.

“I dunno, tell your reunion committee you have parting gifts.”

“Who would want to a partially used candle?”

“People who actually go to the reunion.” Leah shot me a look. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Speaking of which, I’ll be at school hopefully done with the meeting tomorrow night to be back to celebrate after. I promise I won’t miss it.”

I told my parents and the gang to come to the house around 10pm to have a celebratory drink. I guess you could say I did have some confidence Bram would say yes now.

“You better not, if I wanted anyone else there after Bram, it would be you.”

She smiles and winks at my as we finish strategically placing the candles around my room. We talked about how Nick and Abby still have not confirmed who the other person in their relationship and that made us think it could be someone from high school. That lead into speculation and more creeping on social media with old high school acquaintances who went to school or live in New York. During our investigation, Alice returned with another bouquet of roses. We shut the computer quickly and stared at her.

“I saw Simon do that only once, so I don’t want to know what you were looking at.”

She laughs as Leah gives me a disgusted look and I deny every claim they make. We finish spelling Abraham on the bed and it looks really good. So good that I realized I didn’t want to move it.

“Looks like the couch has my name on it.” I say. Ian flew back to Yale yesterday. Both Leah and I wanted him to stay, but the professors weren’t as forgiving to have him miss his first days. Alice sees the ring box with the bow from Dad.

“He finally gave it to you?” Alice commented. “That only took forever.”

“I have faith that Dad had his reasons and that it will be badass.”

“It will be…and Simon, your room. This all looks badass, good job.” Alice complimented.

“Now that I see it all together, it does Simon. Bram is going to love the collage.”

“Well, in the theatre world,” I start to Leah sighing and Alice making a fart noise with her mouth and hand. “In the theatre world! Sometimes the best way to build a good pay off is misdirection: have Bram notice the candles so I can shut the door which will lead him to the bed with his name spelled out so I can pull out the ring and get on one knee and by the time he turns around, he sees me, the ring, and the pictures of us. And he’ll be recently fed, so he’ll be in an even better mood.”

“Good planning, Si,” Alice commented. She said the words, but it sounded like there was a space of her feeling underwhelmed. I’m probably just looking into it so I look to Leah who is nodding her head in approval, so at least I have that going for me.

“Si!” Nora shouted from downstairs. “Bram is here!”

I smile like I always smile when I hear my boyfriend’s name, soon to be fiancé’s name.

“Remember, we all have to keep him out of my room. Which will be hard because we both like my room.”

“Not the only thing that will be hard.” Leah jokes. Ian has rubbed off on her. And now I guess so have I. Someone stop me.

“Ew, gross, you got it, Bub, we won’t let him anywhere near the threshold.” Alice promised.

We all head downstairs and there in a nice v-neck and black jeans was my beautiful boyfriend, sun setting behind him. I immediately go up to him and kiss him, extra long, extra hard.

“What’s that for?” He asks, coyly since we kissed in front of my siblings and parents.

“For fun.” I reply.

Leah had to go to her meeting she went to Creekwood as the family, Bram, and I all go to Waffle House for dinner. it was Alice’s idea to get as out of the house and to give more reason not to have Bram and I go to my room.

“So how’s relaxing been, Bram?” Dad asked. “Seems like you’ve definitely needed it by the way Simon’s made it sound.”

“Not the best,” Bram answered. Since the beginning of his break, the station and his professors have been calling him at least once or twice a day, he’s been typing away on his computer when we’ve been hanging out on the couch, and he’s been a little distracted lately. I haven’t minded, I love watching him work. He’s also been pleasantly surprised because I am not the completely needy Simon I have been in the past. Wonder where all this new confidence came from? “Even though I didn’t take the January Semester it feels like I still am. I may tell them to give me a few credits.”

“I hate to see you too stressed out, B,” I reply, rubbing his shoulder. He put his hand on my hand.

“Well, it should be over soon. Working for the station is fun, but finishing school at the same time is work. I won’t miss college, I guarantee. Simon, we should go on a nice, long vacation this summer or fall before we move to New York.”

I planned on that. As a wedding present, Mom and Dad offered to help pay for our honeymoon. In return, Mom made sure I promised to visit the house, with Bram, for no less than four major holidays per year. I think we could pull that off. I have a few places in mind once the proposal part is over and Bram and I can talk about it together.

Together. Together forever. God I like the sound of that. I squeeze his shoulder and his hand squeezes mine in response.

“I agree, you deserve a good vacation.”

Bram’s phone rings and he closes his eyes and exhales. He wipes his mouth and looks at the call. “Sorry guys, I have to take this.” He stands up from the table and walks outside to take the call.

“He needs to relax,” Mom said, staring at him through the restaurant window. “He’ll have the rest of his life to stress about work.”

We continued to chat and eat for a few minutes until I saw Bram hang up the phone and place his hands on his head. Alice followed my glance and looked at Bram too until until entered the doors. He’s so cute, but he looks so torn.

“Hey, Alice, can I talk to you outside?”

We all look at Alice who finishes sipping her Diet Coke and looks up at Bram. She is good at handling herself in awkward situations.

“Sure.” Alice gets up and looks to me with ‘don’t hate me’ eyes.

“Is everything okay?” I ask, kind of starting to get worried.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just a work related question that I don’t want to bore you all with. It won’t be long.” He shoots me a reassuring smile and my anxiety melts away. If there was a problem worth talking to me about he would. New Simon trusts his boyfriend.

Alice and Bram walk outside and we all try to not look as a group but all we can do is look at random times. When I first look, Bram looked like he was explaining something with Alice intently listening. I looked back at my plate and swirled around the last of my waffle in syrup. When I looked again, Bram paced as Alice spoke with a calm expression. I ate the last bite of my waffle and sipped my water and when I looked the last time, they were hugging. That’s a good sign, right?

They walk back in together and Alice yells from the front door, “Family, don’t be weird about this, let’s just finish eating, people are entitled to have conversations with other people in private.” The other patrons stared at them as they walked past the tables and finished eating. I turned to Bram.

“So everything is good?” I ask again, just to be clear.

Bram smiles. “Yep, Alice is a smart lady.”

He kisses my cheek and finishes his meal. Bram knows I’ve been better at being more confident and trusting and not second guessing but there is tiny, minute, microscopic seed growing in warmth below my stomach. I was becoming nervous. ‘It’s okay to be nervous’ I heard Dad’s words in my head, ‘it’s why it’s called jumping in.’ Maybe this was just proposal nerves and I was over reacting to my possible fiancé speaking to my sister in private outside a Waffle House. When I said it out loud, the growing burn went back to a subtle luke-warmness. The premise was laughable and a smile returned to my face as I placed my arm around his chair. I leaned on his shoulder and I could feel him chew.

Mom paid the bill and we all piled in the car back to the house. Nora and Alice were belted out ‘Ironic’ when it came on the radio to the entertainment of all of us in the car. When we got to the house, Bram pulled me aside.

“Hey handsome,” he started. He called me handsome when he was about to ask me a favor.

“Hi gorgeous,” I reply.

“Would you be mad at me if I went home? I had a late night last night and I have more work to do and I’d rather finish it tonight so it can be just us all day tomorrow?”

I pulled Bram to me and laid a warm, deep kiss on his lips. He went to pull back but I kept going and he stopped pulling away. I placed my hands on his cheeks and he placed his hands lightly on mine. When I pulled away, I could see his plump, moist lips and he bit his bottom one.

“Never, ever. I love you Abraham Greenfeld. When you need to work, you need to work. You’re all mine tomorrow.” I give him one light kiss and he smiles, but not as brightly as he usually does. “Seriously, last time I’ll ask, are you sure you’re okay?”

He looked up at me with his coffee brown eyes as the last remnants of the sun glisten in his eyes.

“I love you more, and yes.” He places his hand on my cheek and lean into it.

“Then go do what you need to do. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Bram walks towards his car and stops. His frame has never looked tighter and reminded me of a Greek statue. He didn’t move for a moment until he turned around and walked back to me with a quick pace. He kissed me hard. Passionately. Aggressively. I felt so protected as our lips moved in pressing motions against another and my knees started to feel weak. After what felt like five minutes, he slows his kisses until he pulls away and licks his lips.

“I love you, so incredibly, so deeply, Simon.”

“I love you so, so, so much. Now go before I change my mind.”

He smiles and this time goes to his car and leaves. I go back inside and my family is talking about tomorrow and how excited they are but my mind is still focused back on the minute burning of nerves. Leah only stays for about an hour before she goes home and then we all gather around the TV to watch more Bachelor episodes. After four episodes Mom, Dad, and Nora go to sleep and Alice stays next to me on the couch.

“I know you can’t stop thinking about what happened at dinner.” She said.

“It’s not just that.” I say. “It’s a combination of that and I’m nervous for tomorrow and I can sense Bram isn’t telling me something, but he wants to.” When I said this scenario out loud, it didn’t sound crazy like when I thought it back at the restaurant. The nervous burn grew a little in size. Alice exhaled loudly and didn’t say anything. She usually has something to say, whether it is helpful or hilarious, but this time she was just quiet. The burn grew again.

“Simon, trust Bram. Trust yourselves. Trust.”

Alice kisses me on the head and covers me up on the couch. I felt like she wanted to say more but knew not to  say anything else. There’s nothing she could really say to me right now that would make me feel calmer. Except maybe Bub.

Everything I felt I learned over the past year with confidence, every part of me that has grown in my relationship was hinging on this moment. Will I fall back into old habits of self-sabotage or fall forward into progress?

My mind was going over everything it could, analyzing the last six months. Conversations with Bram, conversations about Bram with Abby, Nick and Leah, and it all didn’t have any raised flags. I scrolled through out texts as far back as my phone had saved them and it all came up nothing. I went through Bram’s social media presence that was low. He only appeared in tagged pictures on Facebook and barely used Instagram, both of which provided no insight. Perhaps I was just over thinking it.

I turned the TV on to try to allow the dull glow of Forensic Files to lull me to sleep. It was on low volume, I was warm, it was late, but nothing worked me into a restful state to fall asleep. A new episode was about to start when my phone vibrated. I closed my eyes not to sleep, but to prepare myself. It was three thirty-eight. Alerts at three thirty-eight were never good.

Bram Come outside. Please. . .. … I know you’re up.

He knew me too well. It took all of my strength to fight my gut instinct and plunge backwards into old Simon and start making wild accusations in my head, causing me not to be present while we talked.  I breathed in and out for a few moments before I replied.

                                                        Be out in a minute.

I put on my coat and a hat and I go outside to have my glasses immediately fog in the cold weather. Through the fog I can see Bram’s car and the trail of exhaust coming from the tail pipe. I walk slowly towards the car, both because it was cold and I was even more nervous than before and wanted more time to prepare. I determined that whatever Bram had to say to me in person at three-thirty in the morning, I had to let him speak and I could not answer at all or I may not be able to hold back the vomit or tears or words I’m trying so hard to keep from coming out. Which is crazy because I don’t even know if what he says will be bad. But a part of me knows it’s not good.

I reach the door and I open it, getting in the front seat to a warmer car. The car door shut and my glasses fogged slightly in the change of temperature. Blurry Bram was still so cute, but his expression was very serious. I can also see in the back seat where there are bags. Not a good start.

“Simon.” Bram whispers, barely moving his lips, staring at his steering wheel.

I didn’t answer. I think Bram knew I wouldn’t…I couldn’t answer. He inhaled, looked down at his chest and shifted his body toward mine.

“I was going to drop a letter in your mailbox…but when I got to it, I couldn’t do it. You deserve better than a letter.”

I was starting to become a little numb, but not from the cold. The nervous fire grew inside me.

“I knew I had to tell you in person so you didn’t think I was a coward.”

Hold it together, Spier. I fought urges to speak as I sat in the passenger seat staring at the dashboard.

“The call I took at Waffle House…it was the station. They knew I was heading to New York after graduation and so they promoted me to give me on-air experience. For the next six months, I’ll be writing and filming my own news stories. I start Tuesday. I have to leave now to get back in time.”

The nervous fire was extinguished, but what was left was emptiness. It wasn’t bad news, but I also wasn’t thrilled. Bram put his hand on mine and squeezed and I squeezed back.

“I know how much our anniversary means to us and I guess I was so afraid of letting you down that I was…I just was so scared to tell you because this moment, right now, pains me so much.”

He moved his hand to my face and I fell into it. I looked at Bram and he moved his eyes away from mine. I was formulating what I wanted to say as he continued.

“But I know that our future is also important, for both of us. Not just my future, but our future. This could be a very big deal and help us settle when we move and –”

“Bram,” I finally say, moving my fingers across his lips. “Go.” It sounded harsher than I meant it and Bram shot me a weird, hurt look. I had to clarify because that look stabs me, shreds my insides, and leaves me breathless. “You have to go. This is a big opportunity that can be good for your career. And our future. It’s a no brainer.”

He exhaled hard as a tear fell from his eye. I wiped it away with my thumb and held back my own. I spoke in fragments to drive home that I meant what I said.  He leaned in to me more.

“I love you so much. I love that you care so deeply about us. But I’m also not selfish enough to want keep you here if this is something you need to do. And we’ll have many more anniversaries to come.” Bram still wasn’t looking up, it was time to return the favor he sent me months ago. I started to sing softly as I leaned closer to him.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, Bram, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.”

Bram squeezed his eyes and more tears fell out when he finally looked up at me with hazy pink eyes.

“We’re Simon and Bram,” I told him, pulling his face closer to mine. “Don’t feel bad at all, don’t feel guilty at all. We got this. I’m going to miss the hell out of you, but hopefully I can see you more than twice this semester.”

Our lips are just inches apart until I pull him to mine and lay a kiss upon them.

“I love you so much, Simon. I promise this will all be worth it.”

I remained silent. I needed to remain silent. If I didn’t, I’d cry myself and in a couple when one of you is hurting, the other has to be the lighthouse leading you out of the hurt. If both are lost, you may never find a way out. It’s why it took us so long in high school to find each other in the first place.

Since I have no words, I kiss him again, both our lips tremble. I click the handle and step out of his car. He rolls down the window as I shut the door and I lean in one last time.

“Text me when you land,” I ask. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle hearing your voice.” He nods quickly and wipes his face from the tears. I extend my hand to him and he grabs it and kisses it repeatedly and places it against his cheek. “I love you Abraham Louis Greenfeld.”

I pull my hand away from his warm cheek and with it goes the warmth from my heart. The window rolls up and Bram drives away. I’m left on the lightly snowy grass, cold, not being able to move, lost in thought.

When I walk back, it hits me that Bram left. Everything I’ve been planning since August has evaporated before four o’clock in the morning on the day of our anniversary. No more proposal. At least not today.

It knocked the wind out of me as I opened my bedroom to see all the candles and flower petals spelling Abraham. I felt so much weird pain, but we didn’t break up, but why did it feel that way? Why do I feel empty and Why can’t I talk to Bram about why I feel this way? I didn’t fall backwards, but I didn’t feel like I moved forward either. I just stayed put, is that better? When life is running forward, can you afford to sit on the track and let it out of your sight?

I lay on my bed on top of the rose petals and feel the lump of my poem notebook on my back. I kept it there to also remind me to memorize it. That was it, that was the trigger that caused me to bawl. Why does it feel like such a let down? It’s not like I won’t propose another day, but I wanted to badly to be engaged. I want to be Bram Greenfeld’s fiancé, I want to be Bram Greenfeld’s husband. And I know that’s selfish but I want to be selfish about Bram.  I worked so hard with Elijah and Tracy and Mom and Dad and everyone else’s support. I guess it feels like not only was I let down, but I let them down as well.

It was still our anniversary and I didn’t want to associate this night with all the rest of them. Bram didn’t deserve my selfishness to affect our day. I pulled out my phone and decided to text Bram

Bram, I don’t want our fifth anniversary to be associated with either of us feeling this way. I did have some things planned, but there was one gift I have to give you.

I didn’t have to look at the notebook; I had it memorized.

Blue Oreos – A poem for Abraham Greenfeld

Blue Oreos Digitally sent in heart shapes Punctuation. Is. Key. To. Identity. Wrapped shirts Pinned notes Not ready for Spotlight But ready to grow Steps of a Baby Started light, became heavy Nothing we couldn’t carry Ferris Wheel, Tilt a Whirl We realized we weren’t for girls He saved me Beating hearts Touching skin Skipping Lunch Together again. College came, nothing changed We got strong We got game There may been doubt But not by us Because what I want Is You. Always you. Forever you. Us.

[redrosydiaz]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Sooo.... I did a Thing. I wrote a Simon vs fic!! I’m honestly so fucking excited about this skgdjlh.

After not writing for 2 whole weeks, I just cranked out this almost 4k fic all today. I’m honestly so happy about that lksgjdf.

I really really hope you guys like this!!! :)))