"Love stories never really end. They can drag on, they can take forever and we could spend the rest of our lives trying to get ours down but I don’t think it will ever truly be over.”
Clare laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling as she fumbled with her hands and tried to calm herself down. It had been about four days since she’d last seen Eli and they had almost kissed. It put her on edge just thinking about it. They’d gone longer than this without talking before but it seemed different now that there was the strenuous fact that they would be talking about her feelings and she felt her heart flutter nervously as she tried to get her thoughts together on what she would say. What exactly was she going to say? I’m sorry I almost kissed you and let my feelings get the best of me? I’m sorry I upset you into thinking this was your fault when in reality I just let myself get caught up in old feelings? I’m sorry I felt like I was stupid enough to allow myself to feel that way and I don’t want you to think I only acted like that because I’m getting over my ex? All of these things sounded completely useless in her head and all of them made no sense to her. She wasn’t exactly sure why she was so upset with herself but she knew that when she thought of Eli almost kissing Imogen an acidy burn set in the back of her throat and she tried desperately to push the jealousy behind her. She wouldn’t allow that to play factor into any of this or anything that had happened. Eli already had thought it was his fault for how she felt but she knew that he hadn’t done anything wrong. They weren’t together and they hadn’t been for months. He was free to kiss whoever he liked to kiss but she felt silly for actually letting herself feel like their almost kiss mattered. She finally found the courage to push herself up from her bed and she set out to Eli’s making sure to inform her mom that she was leaving before she did.
When she arrived at Eli’s her nerves began to take over again and she took in a deep breath as she knocked on his door. To her delight, Cece answered. “Hey sweetheart,” she spoke with a bright smile, “Eli told me you’d be coming. He’s upstairs waiting for you.” With a courteous smile Clare thanked her and then made her way up to his room. The door was cracked and she pushed it opened slowly. He was laying on his bed just as she had been on hers, moving his hands with what she couldn’t help but think was also his nerves. He always worked himself up when it came to things and she knew that, despite her directions to him, he had been dwelling on it all night. They were friends now, good friends and for him to think she was upset with him would probably drive him crazy. “You know, I told you not to think about it,” she said, drawing his attention to her for the first time since she’d walked in, “You’ve probably lost eight years from your life just worrying.” He pushed himself up on his bed, letting out a soft sigh as he rested his arms on his legs. “Hello to you too.” His voice was quiet and his face was blank as Clare sat on the edge of the bed. She smiled at him and looked around, trying to think of something to say to put off the subject at hand. “Oh, you put up my painting.” she noticed as she saw it framed and on his wall. He nodded, “I told you I would.” She smiled kindly and nodded, looking down at her hands. “I should probably keep painting I haven’t really since-” before she could finish her sentence, Eli cut her off. “Look, can we just get to whatever it is you wanted to talk about? You’ve right I’ve been driving myself crazy and I’d rather know why you’re upset than sit here wondering about it the whole time.” His forwardness caught him off guard and she let out a sigh. “Yeah sorry I just,” she chuckled awkwardly, “Trying to put it off as long as possible.” Eli frowned, “Do you hate me because we almost kissed? Or because I almost kissed Imogen? Or because I almost kissed both of you? I really can’t think of what in the hell it could be other than that but everyone’s made it out like I’m some monster for coming on too strong or something.”
“I dont…hate you. I’m not upset with you either.” Clare mumbled and Eli laughed. “Adam doesnt make me feel like a prick often so something you said must have led him to believe I did something to at the very least upset you.” Eli said and Clare bit her lip. “I didnt mean to cause an argument between you two. I just…I’m so alone without Alli here. I dont have this huge group of best friends.” Clare rubbed at her arm and Eli shook his head. “Clare, I’m not upset that you talked to Adam. He’s your best friend too. It’s allowed.” Eli smiled and Clare felt a little bit of tension ease a bit but not enough to make her breathe any easier. “Whatever you told him was enough to light a fire under him and I know that he is protective of you.” Clare looked at Eli and Eli held her gaze. “If someone did something to upset you I’d be the same way. That’s what friends do Clare. They protect one another. That’s why I took to heart that you were so upset. I didnt mean to cause you any distress and it was so much that my best friend practically accused me of…of manipulating you.” Eli finally dropped Clare’s gaze and she knew exactly why. That word. That one word had changed their entire relationship. “Eli…” Clare wanted to touch his hand but she knew it would be crossing a line. “I’m sorry I tried to kiss you. I kind of got caught up and I regret it.” Clare felt her heart shake a bit. She knew he wasnt trying to hurt her feelings but it did. “Why?” She asked timidly. Eli cocked his eyebrow unsure of what she was asking. “Why do you regret it?” She asked daring a look and Eli thought for a moment. “Well because it’s clearly put strain on our friendship and made you feel awkward.” Eli’s words lightened her pained heart a bit but she sighed. Eli frowned as Clare stared down into her lap. “I really wish you would just tell me how to fix this. Seeing you like this is killing me.” Clare looked over at Eli and saw how heavy his frown was. “I’m not sure how I look but I think I should be insulted.” Clare teased as in attempt to lighten the mood but Eli shook his head. “No, you look lost in your own thoughts and emotions and it’s overwhelming you. I’ve been there. I LIVE there and it’s a horrible place to be stuck.” Eli explained and Clare agreed.
“Okay well…” Clare began hesitantly, “I’m going to tell you what’s wrong. But you have to promise to not let it offend you or upset you in anyway at all.” He face was emotionless for a second as he listened to his words and he chuckled lightly when she finished. “That’s not something I can promise. Depending on what it is, I may get upset either way.” Clare pouted. “Just promise me you won’t or else I’m not telling.” He sighed and nodded, scooting closer to her but not too close in an attempt to not make her feel uncomfortable. “Fine. I promise to try and not get upset.” She nodded, it was good enough. Because she knew him and she felt as if somehow it would bother him. “Okay, and you have let me explain fully and finish before butting in and saying anything.” He narrowed his eyes slightly. “Fine. No interruptions.” Clare took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, moving her eyes from his and down to his blanket. “Hey,. is this a new blanket….?” she asked and Eli groaned. “Spit it out Edwards!” Again her eyes found his. “Fine fine, sorry. Alright.” She paused to collect her thoughts, and then began. “I was afraid at first that… almost kissing you… the way I felt…. I was afraid it was only because I’ve been trying to get over the Jake thing.” She saw it then, the way his face fell and a look as if he’d been smacked in the face with the insult of her words. “No no!” She exclaimed as she watched him avert his eyes from hers. “No looking at me like that!” But Eli frowned. “Like what?” “Like I’ve just broken your heart again for the millionth time.” He didn’t say another word, just looked at her and she felt her heart shake in her chest. An uncontrollable urge boiled in her to grab him and hold him until whatever hurt she caused him went away but she fought back. “Please just let me finish.” He nodded, and she went on. “That’s what I thought at first. And I hated myself for it, because I would never in a million years want to feel like that was the case. But what bothered me more was I thought that you thought that was why it had happened. The entire night the thought attacked me like bees attacking someone who had bothered their hive and it took everything in me not to call you and tell you I was sorry for even taking it there.” Eli’s face was lighter now, more curious than anything. “Because that wasn’t it. It had nothing to do with Jake. It had to do with the fact that I let myself get comfortable enough with you, because that’s how we are. I fell back in to the comfort our relationship had had.” Eli looked more confused now. “So you aren’t feeling like this because you think you’re rebounding from Jake?” He asked and Clare shook her head. “No. I thought so at first but then I heard that you had almost kissed Imogen and it infuriated me.” Again Eli’s face fell. “But not because you had almost kissed her! You did absolutely nothing wrong. I mean, you’re not mine and some silly moment in my livingroom doesn’t make you mine. I was afraid you had…. that you had went to kiss her to get back at me, because you thought I was using you as a rebound….” she was looking intensely at her hands now, not sure if she made sense at all but she couldn’t bare to look at his expression. “And then on top of that I was so mad at myself for letting my guard down. I was mad for it because I actually wanted to kiss you. Badly. More than I should have but what if we had? We could have ruined everything. This friendship. Our casual relationship could have been ruined completely. I mean it could have made things so awkward between us. And then you almost kissed Imogen… and I was upset with myself for letting our almost moment mean something to me when I was stupid to think that it had. It was just my feelings getting the best of me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately but it’s like my body is running on hormones. I know that’s normal because we’re teenagers. I get that completely but not with you. I don’t want my hormones to have any sort of factor when it comes to you because… I really do care about you. So that’s what this was all about. I was mad because I had let myself feel something when I know I shouldn’t have been stupid enough to do so. I was mad at myself because I had let myself get upset that the moment actually meant something to me when it’s obvious that it shouldn’t have at all.” Eli looked at Clare with shock on his face. After everything he had thought, every single scenario he had gone through in his mind this was definitely not it. “You think that it meant nothing to me?” Clare was still looking down at her hands. “I can’t believe I let myself even think about it, because I get it. Light summer. Just friends. You can flirt and do whatever you want and I know that’s how it is. That’s what we had agreed on from the start. I’m upset with myself for letting my emotions get the best of me but I’m just a stupid teenage girl and that’s my only good excuse.”
“So it’s nothing I did that was over the top and made you upset?” Eli questioned and Clare shook her head. “No not at all.” Eli looked confused. “So it was because I was being…me?” Eli asked and Clare chuckled lightly. “Yeah I guess so.” Clare smiled lightly but Eli held a slight frown. “So you’re disappointed that you let yourself have feelings for me again? Is that so hard to believe? That at some point I wasn’t a complete mess and you actually did fall for a saner version of myself.” Clare shook her head quickly. “No that’s not it at all. Dont do that. It’s not hard to love you Eli. It’s actually really hard for me not to love but I see how well you are doing without me and I would never think of ruining that. You are so happy and alive. When I see you talk to Fiona or Adam or even Imogen, you have such a light in you that I think got lost when you were with me. I’d much rather love you as a friend then risk putting out that light.” Clare explained and Eli took a deep breath. “There are moments that we have that I remember why I fell in love with you but to be honest it only takes a split second for those moments to terrify me. I want so badly to have you in my life Clare but I cant risk losing who I am fighting a war in my head. I won’t always please you but I would never go out of my way to hurt you. Almost kissing you made my heart ache the whole way home from how fast it was beating. You still have that hold on me. You probably always will, but you’re right. We arent together anymore.” Clare listened to Eli and was unsure of where he was going with this. “When you broke up with me, my whole world fell apart. I had let another girl that I loved slip through my hands and everyone kept telling me that I would be okay. I started with therapy but they couldnt figure out what was wrong with me but I was able to numb that pain.” Eli took another deep breath before looking at Clare. “Then you started dating Jake and even through that fog and numbness it hurt. Everything inside of me ached and there were days just getting up was hard.” It was killing Clare to hear this but as Eli sat up straight he composed himself. “After the play and finding about my disorder I felt like that was my fresh start. I’m sorry how things worked out for you and Jake because I could tell how much you loved him but I never got that chance. I never got to truly move on and find someone to take out to dinner or go to the movies with. I deserve that. I’m not saying it’s going to be Imogen but someday there will be a girl.” Eli looked at Clare who tried not to hold a sad smile. “I know and she will be a very lucky girl.” Eli watched Clare’s face before extending his hand for her to take. “I need to know that you won’t give up on me as a friend. Seeing you heartbroken over Jake hurt. To be honest, it still hurts but I care about you and I want you to be happy. I need to know that you’ll be happy for me too.” Eli said clapping his free hand over Clare’s as her dainty hand sat in his palm.
Clare let the thought fill her mind. The thought of Eli with someone else made her heart ache but she knew he was right. Someday he would find someone else to make him happy, and a bigger chance of that was that it wouldn’t be with her. For the first time since she’d left him laying in the hospital bed she felt as if she finally could understand even the smallest fraction of what he was feeling. She pictured it in her mind, him with another girl. Though she was faceless and nameless it didn’t make her heart ache any less to think of him with her. Holding her hand, laying with her beneath the stars, going on urban adventures to find places of their own or even worse, actually kissing him instead of an almost. She tried to keep herself composed as she pictured it but she found herself lost in the thought, staring at the carpet beneath them. She was chewing on the corner of her lip so hard as Eli watched her, he thought she was going to bite right through it. “Clare?” he asked, breaking her concentration and her eyes shot up to his. He tried to ignore the fact that they were far more watery now than they had been before. She didn’t know what to say. She’d never been in the position to think about this before. Because when she was with Jake, that’s what she cared about. She never had to think about Eli with someone else. When she had offered to help Imogen get the part of the play in an attempt to catch Eli’s attention it was just that, her hoping to get his attention but she never had to truly think about her with him. Maybe she had been stupid to think that she’d never have to think of Eli with someone else but then again she thought maybe it had just been her minds way of a defense mechanism. Don’t think about it, don’t let it hurt. She fought through her feelings and gave him a weak smile, not so convincing but she knew it would do. “I would never give up on you as a friend. Whenever that day comes… whenever she comes, whether it’s Imogen or someone else, I will be happy for you.” Eli smiled back at her in return, “No trying to win me back with a play, okay?” Clare chuckled lightly, but the pain in her chest was still burning. “What happened to all is fair in love and war?” She asked and Eli smirked. “All’s fair, but you should probably leave the theater to me.” They both laughed lightly, but only to try and clear the heavy stillness in the air. Clare’s eyes drifted away again and a silence fell over them. “You know,” she began in an attempt to break the silence. She wasn’t sure how to word out what it was she was trying to say so her mouth just ran and her mind tried catching up, “Love stories never really end. They can drag on, they can take forever and we could spend the rest of our lives trying to get ours down but I don’t think it will ever truly be over.” Eli smirked, “You’re comparing our relationship to a love story?” he asked with a laugh, “Clare Edwards, who reads sappy things like The Notebook and for reasons unknown, Twilight, is calling our relationship a love story? You don’t think it’s closer to a tragedy?” Clare laid back in the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Some of the best love stories are tragedies. Look at Romeo and Juliet, it wasn’t perfect but it’s one of the greatest love stories of all time.” Eli smiled and laid down beside her, crossing his hands on his chest as he too looked up at the ceiling. It was comfortable now, far different from when she’d first entered the room and for the first time since she showed up, he wasn’t afraid of crossing a line. “So you’re saying our love story is still being written?” he chuckled, turning his head to look at her and she nodded. “I want to believe so.” He smiled. “I guess it has some good qualities. I mean.. at least the leading guy is pretty awesome… and doesn’t sparkle.” Clare rolled her eyes and laughed, hitting him with her hand and he laughed too. “So…” he began, feeling far more comfortable now, “If ours is in fact a love story,” he was looking at her again and she turned her head to face him, meeting his eyes, “Where do you see it going? I mean, you are the expert.” Clare’s expression changed with her thinking. “I don’t know. I see us being friends, really good friends for a long time.” Eli smiled, “Yeah I’d like that.” She smiled too. She was still dealing with the thought of him ever being with another girl but she knew it would happen and she knew it was something she’d have to deal with. Because even the best love stories had heart break. There was pain and suffering but in the end, there was always love. Whether in heart or in friendship, there was always love. “Love can be short, but forgetting takes much longer.”
“I dont think forgetting will ever be an option as far as we are concerned.” Eli laughed and Clare clicked her tongue against her teeth. “You never know. In a year, you will be graduating and going off to college. I’ll just be that girl who stole your heart for just a small period of time.” Clare smirked and Eli looked over at her resting his hands on his stomach. “Our love may not be a forever kind of love but it’ll never fade. You’ll always be the girl that broke the block of ice my heart was encased in.” Eli said making Clare blush. “And you Eli Goldsworthy will always be my first great love.” Clare smiled and Eli chuckled. “You would think I would get some sort of trophy.” He teased. “Can you remember when we started hanging out as friends?” Clare asked and Eli let out a laugh again. “Yeah Adam hated me for ditching him all the time so I could spend time with you.” He put his arms behind his head and Clare rolled over onto her elbow. “How about how much fun he had filming our school project. I felt so terrible.” Eli cocked his eyebrow at Clare. “Terrible? Yeah right, you totally loved that project.” Eli said and Clare hit his chest. “Always when to boost your own ego.” Clare teased making Eli shrug. They settled into a silence and Eli sighed. “Thanks for coming and talking to me Clare. It means a lot that you didn’t run scared. Your friendship means a lot to me.” Clare looked over at him and smiled before putting her hand on his. “I’m not going anywhere. Your friendship means just as much to me. Thank you for listening.” Clare said and Eli smirked. “Well I am a pretty great listener and I know I’m a badass friend so I see your appeal.” He bragged and Clare laughed. “I think you like to talk more then listen. All that hot air has to go some place when it’s not filling your big head.” Clare tugged on a piece of Eli’s hair. “Aw Clare you are too sweet for words.” Eli mocked causing Clare to hit him again. Eli responded by poking her in the side and she jumped with a laugh. They both laughed at each other for a moment. “You still have the most beautiful laugh I’ve ever seen on a girl.” Eli said biting his lip. Clare couldnt help but glance at his lips. “Stop trying to butter me up.” Clare nudged him but he held her gaze. “Just being honest.” Eli smiled and Clare returned it. “Well thank you. That’s sweet.” She leaned over and kissed Eli’s cheek but as she pulled away she lingered. They got lost in the star-crossed gaze they always found themselves in as they both could feel eachother’s breath on one another’s lips. There was no movement just the dangerously close gaze when Eli’s door opened. They both sat straight up to see Bullfrog. “Oh sorry kids. Eli it’s getting kind of late. You guys can have a few more minutes then Clare’s got to go.” Bullfrog said and Eli rubbed the back of his neck while Clare blushed. “Okay.” Bullfrog looked the two of them over before shutting the door. Clare looked over at Eli who had his eyes shut tightly as he shook his head. “What’s wrong?” Clare asked and Eli opened his eyes. “This is going to make me sound like such an asshole.” He let his head fall back and Clare furrowed her brows. “What is it?” She asked and he looked at her hesitantly. “I think maybe we should take a few days to focus on ourselves. Just so we can both get this out of our systems if we ever want to hang out without having a bunch of almost moments.” Eli was sure Clare would call him a manipulative jerk and storm out so he just waited for the downfall.
Clare let out a sigh, she knew he was right. It wasn’t safe on their friendship for them to share a bunch of almost moments, it wasn’t good for her heart which at the very moment was racing inside of her chest. She wasn’t sure if it was from their locked stare or the fear that had come from almost being caught having their almost moment but she felt as if she’d been running for a mile. And she could see from Eli’s quickly rising and falling chest that he felt the same way. But either way, he was right. It would probably be better for them to take some days off for themselves. Because even sitting here beside him so closely though they had put distance between them, she could imagine herself doing it. It wouldn’t he hard, it would be as easy as breathing for them. So many almost moments interrupted. But she took it as a sign that it wasn’t meant for them yet. They’d have their moment, like all good love stories did and when it happened she knew it would be worth it. Eli watched her intently for what seemed like an eternity waiting for her reply. He had taken a chance for something he felt that was needed but waiting for her reaction was like torture. “No,” she began and he tilted his head, “No that’s fine. I agree. We should just, take a breather. I want to be able to hang out with you without letting my feelings go crazy. I mean, we were able to hang out once before without…” she trailed off. “Wanting to completely ravish each other?” Eli chuckled and Clare’s cheeks blushed heavily. “Yeah, something like that.” But she couldn’t help but think about how from the moment they met she hadn’t wanted anything more. “I just think it would be good.” he said and Clare nodded in agreement. “You don’t think it’ll make things worse though, right? I mean staying away from each other and then seeing each other again.” He smirked, “I hope not because I have to admit it’s pretty bad right now.” Clare laughed, the blush was still on her cheeks and he couldn’t help but notice that it hadn’t really dimmed the entire time. “How bad?” she asked. It was an innocent question, but rooted with heavy curiosity. Eli’s face fell and he let out a sigh. “Very.” Clare took his fallen attitude as an end to the conversation and let out a smile as well. “Things will never be easy for us will they?” she said, staring down at her hands. She wanted to be able to say something else but she was drawing a blank. It was easier for her when she was around Eli, to forget about Jake, and her mom and the wedding. He made it easy for her to forget about all of the bad things that had happened. She was surprised though by the light tone of Eli’s voice. “What kind of love story would it be if it was?” She looked up at him and he was smiling at her. She smiled back and nodded. Nothing else really needed to be said. They would take their short few days apart and when it was over they’d continue being friends. Just friends. It was simple enough. “You should really probably get a hold of Adam,” she said and broke the silence, “I’ve spoken to him and he’s not even mad at you. He said he was tired and regrets being such a jerk to you…. but also that you blew things out of proportion.” Eli rolled his eyes but she could see the pain in them at the mention of his name. “Yeah if he ever answers any of my calls.” Clare sighed, “Stop trying to call him, you’re such a girl. Just go over to his house. He feels stupid for your fight so he’s not going to want to talk and make himself feel even worse.” Eli smirked. He knew she was right. “Yeah I know you’re right. I just hate confrontation with him.” She nodded. “Of course, I understand that but just man up and do it!” Eli’s eyes narrowed at her. “Wow, tough love huh?” She giggled, “What are friends for?” She looked at the digital clock on his desk and realized then how late it was getting. “I should probably get going. You’re on lock down and my mom will probably worry.” she pushed herself up from the bed and walked towards the door, reading to leave but she was stopped by Eli’s hand in hers. “Wait.” he said and she looked up at him, their eyes meeting. It was the familiar feeling she’d felt moments before and a warmth grew in her. There was something about the way he looked at her that always pulled her in and she felt her heart accelerate as she watched Eli lift her hand to his lips and he kissed the back of it gently. She smiled and he did to as he let it fall. Neither of them spoke a word. There was nothing to say, but nothing was needed. Instead, she turned then out the door and left him behind to start focusing on herself.
