[When] I knew it was okay to let go...
The floor of the shower has been my sacred place. My refuge. The only place on earth where I could plug my ears and drown out my thoughts with the hum of the water beating the shower floor. Where my worries and fears would run down the drain as I scrubbed the sadness from my hair, pat dry my fragile and heartbroken skin, and could prepare myself to walk back into the storm.
I’ve had a lot of conversations with a made up “You” while tears ran down my cheeks to join the falling water.
Every time I have had this conversation with myself about you, I always come to the same verdict... I’m okay without you.
I am worthy of love and loyalty.
I know ME, and I love me. And I do not need you to love me, because I have seen that you are not all that this world has to offer.
But no matter how many times and ways I talk myself up to letting you go I have been held back by the fear of never having another chance to see you, touch you, love you.
It didn’t happen in a swift moment, it happened slowly without my notice and then one day I realized I could could watch a sunset and no longer see your eyes, I could sit in my car late at night and not feel your presence next to me anymore. And just like that, all the beauty returned to the world and I began to breathe for the first time in months. I began to feel my numbed heart and nerves to wake.
Touch the sand Sophie, remember how gritty it is between your toes after a long day at your favorite place on earth?
Walk outside Sophie, look at the trees. Do you see the richness of the green? Remember that you used to love to spend time in nature and be completely silent listening to the leaves in the wind?
Watch the sunset Sophie, feel the warmth of the summer air as you catch your breath and remember why you continue to live and why your heart still beats.
I still have moments where I feel as though maybe we’ve caught the breath and feel you next to me or your scent fills my nose and my heart sinks. But I no longer need to live in fear of never seeing you again.
A part of my heart has been permanently Altered by you, and although a part of me will love you till my last breath, I will let you go to live and love freely.
May our hearts be forever unchained from the broken and bitterness we shared, but let our love carry blessings and joy, no longer burdening those in our wake.
Maybe in another life time
