seen from Australia
seen from Türkiye
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Russia
seen from China
seen from Germany
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from Italy
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Italy
seen from Australia
seen from Argentina
seen from Malaysia
seen from Estonia
seen from Russia
seen from Italy
Sigh. Here I thought things were going to change. I am reevaluating whether I even heard the Lord correctly regarding the relationship prospect. Everything is so hot and cold. I don’t know how to read it and don’t know what the next steps are. I keep hearing “patience.”
But the anxiety of someone else walking in and taking what I would have had with him...it grows.
The waiting is the hardest part. As always.
Recently Turned 30
And here I am, still single.
The struggle is real, folks.
I think to myself, should I have settled somewhere along the way. There were people interested in me. But they didn’t know the Lord like I’d envisioned “The One” would. Part of me wonders if this may have been foolish thinking. But. It wasn’t. They seemed to be Christian in name only. Didn’t even go to church. Or weren’t even believers at all.
I told myself, he has to know the Lord.
My eyes were recently opened to a man who does, but now I am starting to lack in confidence as to whether it really was the Lord. I am hoping the Lord will open a door soon for that, if only because I am so impatient. It feels like He has already, but now the negative thoughts have started creeping in.
“Would he even be interested?”
“I have gained a lot of weight since he’s known me.”
“I haven’t given him the time of day. Why would he even look at me?”
“Why would he even look at me?”
At 30, there are also biological factors that worry me, but I won’t allow the enemy to scare me with that. I will have faith in the positive.
Today I flew back to where I live. I was almost late for my flight. I got to the airport about 30 minutes before takeoff, and my luggage was over 25 minutes late, too. I was worried I would miss the flight, and I was worried that my luggage would get lost, or that I’d have to wait around for five hours before I could pick it up.
But I made it. I caught the plane in time, and my luggage arrived with me. This is really small, but the whole time, I felt the Lord say, “Have a little faith in Me.” And so I just said, “OK.”
OK, Lord.
OK to what you have for me. OK, to your faithfulness. Thank you for teaching me faith in this season. The words of my mother today were prophetic: “It’s OK, hija, everything will be OK.”
OK.
-SCC
Recurring patterns
It is a consistently recurring pattern where I would suffer anxiety if I didn’t hear from a certain “someone.” And then I would get depressed and my self-esteem would suffer.
Today was different.
I distinctly heard the Lord say “Be patient.” I truly feel that this is of God, but I feel myself sinking back into those old anxiety patterns where I get sad and depressed if I don’t hear from a person.
I didn’t want to be patient. I wanted to hear from him now. I wanted this to start now. But I hear the Lord saying, “Be patient.” And this just got me depressed thinking, well, does that mean I got my hopes up for nothing?
I don’t think so. The way this is all playing out. It is weird, but I feel no qualms here, despite my previous attitudes about this man.
I just asked the Lord to keep me in check. I just said, “Lord, help me not to be anxious about this. I don’t want my validation to come from attention.”
So I put on some worship music and asked the Lord to fill me.
And I feel at peace again.
Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.
-SCC
Bad week, good weekend
I was originally going to write a post about how difficult it is to be a single (older) Christian. Not saying it’s not difficult, but the Lord spoke to me today, and I figure it’s much better talking about what the Lord is saying than what my problems are.
Recently, I had two different men flake out on me. These were just first dates we had set up. And both of them canceled. This really, really bummed me out. To a degree that surprised me.
So on Friday and half of Saturday, I fasted. Fasted and prayed for an answer. Not just for myself, but for an answer to some of my questions about what I am supposed to be doing with my life, and where I’m supposed to be going.
So the day after I fast, (today) I meet with a Christian friend--the most dynamic woman I’ve ever met. I cannot believe the things this woman has accomplished at her young age, and frankly I am flattered she would choose to spend her time with me--but see, that is the exact attitude that I am trying to avoid. That is what she pointed out to me without me even telling her my problems.
That is, I cannot think of myself as anything less than the Daughter of the King. Otherwise I am allowing myself to buy the lies of the enemy that are telling me that I am not worthy, that I will face the worst-case scenario, as opposed to living a full and powerful life in Christ. As opposed to unrelenting faith--knowing that God always has my back.
Why have I chosen to forget who I am?
I think this is the root issue. I must know who I am, be who I am. And that all starts with seeking God.
I really thank God for putting people like her, and people like my pastor, and people like my church family in my life.
Every single time, I am looking for a certain answer to a certain problem, and God just blows me away by showing me something different.
I have faith that I am meant for more than marriage. I know it will still be part of my life, but I cannot allow the lies of the enemy to destroy my conviction or unrelenting faith because things didn’t go as I had planned.
A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps
-SCC
The Proverbs 31 woman. The man every Ecclesiastes 10:18 man wants.
Well, here I am again. A wise friend once told me that in her circle of friends, different people had reached/attained distinct phases in their lives, and none of them had really reached every point on the “checklist.” That is, some were married but had not yet had their careers set. Some had their careers set, but others hadn’t yet found the one to marry. Others had both, but no kids.
It makes me wonder whether it even is possible to have all three. The thing is I want to homeschool. The career thing was a practical choice I made to pass the time. And because these days, a single-earner household is rare. Women simply have to work unless they marry rich.
I just find myself getting lonelier and lonelier these days. I do everything alone. I live alone. I travel alone, I go to church alone, I go to parties alone, I attend community events alone. I meet people there, sure. But everything is done alone.
I’ve found myself wondering lately whether I was supposed to do something different along the way. Whether I wasn’t supposed to pursue higher education, or if I should be spending my life doing missions elsewhere with a husband I’ve never met.
It makes me wonder if I’m simply getting too old. It makes me wonder whether I should have been less picky. I don’t think I’m asking for very much. Someone who has their life relatively in order (i.e., loves the Lord, a steady job, kind, educated). Or maybe I’m just shallow and should cut out the educated part.
Today as I was sitting before my computer at work, I literally said to myself, “Maybe I should just be getting used to this alone thing instead of complaining about it.” But “getting used to” is not the same as accepting life where it is. It’s more of a self-pitying acceptance. Like giving up. There are some seasons where I am thankful and OK with being single.
And there are others where I just get really, really depressed thinking about it.
I don’t know. I haven’t posted here in a while. I forgot about this blog.
I had a conversation with a sibling today, talking about how some of the people I have reached out to don’t have an interest in me. I have always assumed that I wasn’t fit enough, and that probably does play a role, but then my sister said something about me, and I got really shocked that it might be true.
Maybe it’s xenophobia. I never want to pull out the race card. But I live in a predominantly white area. Maybe culturally people are afraid (not in a racist way) of meeting with someone who is different than them. I grew up in Southern California, so I am used to diversity. I don’t know. Maybe the fact that I am different plays a role. I’m not offended by it. Some people are more comfortable with people like them.
I still believe fitness plays a role. Also, there aren’t too many women who have the kind of advanced degree I have. Sometimes I wonder if men are intimidated by that. I'm also not an outdoors person, and no joke 90% of the people I am exposed to are like that. I don’t know that I will ever be outdoorsy. I just hate, hate, hate the logistics of making plans. You tell me a time, place, and what to bring, and I will meet you there. But don’t ask me to plan it.
