#sinnedwolf

[sinnedwolf]

Fucking DO IT.

[sinnedwolf]

Eternity

Take me back to when I was a sweet child, genuine smile and shimmering eyes. Back when morning kisses and daily hugs shadowed the world and it's illness. When the flowers smelt as sweet as summer rain and I didn't understand what it meant to flinch or taste blood. Before my first attempt and the yelling started. Before everyone left. Before I discovered loneliness. If there is a heaven I hope eternity is at the age of 5 in a house full of laughter and hugs.

[sinnedwolf]

I found my mom today.

It's been ten years..

My family life is... Complicated. I never really learned closeness, to love, to cry, to feel alive. I never realized how alone I really was until my adult experiences and casual friendships shone a spotlight on it.

I was raised by my grandma and grandfather from the age of two until I turned 14, where my aunt's took over and I began a life of literal hell and abuse in all it's forms.

But before that I was relatively happy. My grandmother who I called mom, really felt like my mom. I never understood the difference between the two terms, until I was older of course. My aunt's, her daughter's loathed her. In truth she was gravely abusive towards them, but never me. That never justified her actions, nor my aunt's when she was thrown into a nursing home after my grandfather was deployed and they had a chance to release years of frustration and abuse onto me. I'll never justify any of that. However she never once gave me a harsh memory, and in my life of constant bad luck and abuse it was a island of beauty in a sea of damnattion.

She passed away in 2008, while technically suicide my aunt's were the ones who signed a DNR form, stating that my grandmother wasn't in the right frame of mind for decision making.

In August 4th of 2008, while my grandmother pleaded for help from a nurse while grasping her chest, tears in her eyes, my grandmother slipped into cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead shortly after.

The funeral featured picture collages of my grandmother, nearly every one containing myself. I never saw those pictures again, nor any of her belongings, or recipes, as I was not "really her child".

Anyone who's lost someone dearly close to them before knows that the days that follow blend and melt into nothing.

As I watched her tiny box of ashes lowered into the ground that moment was no different.

The years past and I feared to return to the gravesite, which ever one may it be. Most would ask, "Why?". Truthfully, I wasn't sure. I think it was part regret, for not being able to save her, part shame for how the family gaslighted me into making me feel it was my fault.

Fast forward to four years and I had to ask family where she was buried.

No replies.

I began to get frustrated, attempting to find her myself to no avail.

I gave up.

Fast forward to now.

Life caught up with me, and my mom as dear to my heart as she was began to slip my mind. I had a child, I got married, I got divorced, I began my own business.

In a moment of business work near the city annex I suddenly recognized a street adjacent to my location while leaving for lunch.

In my curiosity I followed the winding road until it led to a gated cemetery.

I turned in slowly, my wheels almost driving on their own as I was pulled closer to the center of the graveyard.

My mind did not recognise this place, but I could feel it. In the field stones and flowers somewhere in the vast landscape was my mom.

I called the owner and while tears ran down my face he handed me a map I had requested that had her name written beside her father's in a mess of plots and headstones.

When I finally found her I did not recognise the stone that lay atop her, it was blank, empty and old, forgotten.

I asked my mom to kindly forgive me, for having lost her for so long. I promised a headstone to replace the slab, and flowers for her birthday and mothers day. I told her all about my life and the parts that she missed, the times I thought of her, the success I had built, and the failures I had endured.

Then I thanked her.

Thanked her for raising me and guiding me.

I drew a small heart in the rock hard dirt above her grave to label her resting place and went to my car where I probably cried for a good hour.

Then I finally felt the relief, I had found her. Despite all of the years of my family hiding her from me I finally found her.

I finally feel home again.

[sinnedwolf]

Inktober Day 11

[sinnedwolf]

Inktober day 10

[sinnedwolf]

I love putting skulls in pelts.

[sinnedwolf]

I'm moving back into a haunted house.

What can I say, I'm a sucker for bleeding walls and eternal torment. This is the same house I grew up in until I was 14-15 years old. The same house I was choked in, talked to, witnessed toys floating, saw apparitions, and witnessed a black shuck demon type dog. I have had recurring nightmares even at the age of 23 of that home, mostly of being locked in a bedroom or bathroom and not being able to leave. It left tons of mental scars. I've been mentally checked, and I have no mental disorders that would cause hallucinations, as a matter of fact my therapist was rather intrigued that these occurrences actually happened with witnesses around, further validating my experiences. Anyway I'm moving back in, I'm not too excited about it HOWEVER I am ready to face my fears and attempt to grasp onto what could be haunting this house and hopefully remove it. There's a few theories from rumors, the previous owners were killed in a murder suicide, which might explain why the house was bought so cheap, and why there's a large faded Brown stain on one of the concrete floors. It could just be a portal to hell like the Amityville house. I'll try to update as I move in, I'll journal my first night back, and the first day. Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll single me out just like it always has. I tend to be a magnet for spirits and such, I wouldn't call myself a medium as I don't know how to talk back but I've been approached repeatedly by different spirits including mostly animals. I'm sure it'll be more than excited to know I'll be back. In a way, I can almost feel it waiting for me..

[blackbackedjackal]

sinnedwolf your ask box is closed so I can't respond to your message, but yep, she's a piebald black-backed jackal and there are no other features on her then what's on her little ref ;w;