#sins rambles

[maybeilovu]

Word vomit

I am a sucker for giving characters small details about them personality wise that would probably only come up in tiny conversations or specific scenarios in like an rp or something. And they don't even have to be that small or big, ya know? Just like, think about it.

What is their favorite time of day? Why? Is it cuz of food, cuz of a certain reward around that time, a sight? An event? A memory? What about a favorite time of day on weekends versus weekdays? Does it change for certain areas, like when traveling abroad? Are they a morning person but would stay up all night kind of person? A night person that envies the way people see the golden horizon first thing in the morning? Would they make people stop and look at the sky during their favorite time of day, if its like sunrise/sunset sorta deal?

Favorite food? Do they have multiple, each for breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, and snacks? What about specific dishes? Specific preparations/recipes? Would they eat it if their parents made it but not anyone else? Not just "they like sweets more than spicy" NO! do they happen to have that one spicy food they actually do like? Like mild queso dip and chips or something? Do they combine sweets with spicy? What about sour? Umami? Do they prefer a certain texture of food? Would they like waffles crunchy or soft? Eggs soft or hard boiled? Scrambled or fried? Do they eat nuggets with BBQ or ketchup? What about both? How do they like their burger prepared, or their steak? Are they actually open to new food or do they just hate wasting food? Do they get embarrassed by their favorite food? Or maybe too excited, or both, when it's around? Or do they share it? Why do they like the food, anyway, is it diet reasons? Flavor reasons? Memory reasons?

They don't like something? Like bugs? What kind of bugs? Does it also include worms, and if so do they actually hate the creepy crawlies or do they just hate the thought of what they feel like? And so does that somehow include not-bug-creatures like frogs or something? What about bugs that no normal person would know about. Do they know the difference between a minecraft and irl silverfish; in fact, if they do, do they like the minecraft silverfish but would scream at the irl one? Do they FEAR the bugs or do they just not want them to coexist inside their home? Would they calmly/gently save a bee that flew into their house on accident but then screech at a moth? Would they actually be fine looking at bugs online or in like an exhibit but freeze when seeing the real thing in their bathroom?

Fashion?? Uhm, more please. Do they combine styles, do they use certain inspos, what are those inspos? Do they just get ideas from like instagram or do they make their outfits themselves? Do they prefer makeup or hair styling? Do they even style or do their makeup? Would they save certain types of styles for certain events, or is it all the same kind of thing? Do they switch it up often, if they like multiple?

PLEASE. It's somehow so fun, and specifying those details can really make characters feel a bit more real, at least to me. You don't have to, but really, when you make a character and want to work on those kinds of details, ask more questions than just "what do they like/dislike?" Ask questions you'd ask someone you're trying to befriend, or maybe friends you're like zonked with or something. You don't have to put it all on their character sheet, but really. Soz for the long post lmao

[maybeilovu]

ok not to be cryptic but deep deep down I want to be like Icarus. Feel the rush of adrenaline as the wax burns my back, feel the growing smile as I plummet to my death in a miserable, aching sense of satisfaction. I don't mean this literally, of course, I'm just saying that he must've been so happy. Even in death. And what I wouldn't give to at the very least grace Apollo's presence.

[maybeilovu]

My therapist once told me to personify my disorder as a monster.

Apparently, turning it into a piece of fiction would make it a bit better. A bit more approachable, easier to hide away or calm down when it got worse.

Too bad I'm a monster fucker lol

[maybeilovu]

My heart is a house of glass and steel

Every wall, every inch of floor, it is cold and cracked and creaking under its own weight. In the center is a furnace, burning and boiling and the pipes around the house are clogged with immense heat. And yet, the house remains cold. The glass cracks from the heat of the pipes, letting in more and more cold air.

I do not wear shoes in this house, my feet are broken and ripped from the bolts and shards across my broken floors. The steel is rusting from the rain the cracks let in.

I do not wear clothes in this house, my body shivers and aches as my skin burns. The pipes are too close for me to keep safe.

Occasionally, a pipe bursts, Shattering more glass and letting in even more rain and cold air. The rust gets worse, my feet become so blooded I cannot walk. My skin becomes even more burnt and scarred. I have every opportunity to fix the glass, to clean the rust off, and yet I do not. I put tape over the cracks.

The steel creaks, the pipes flood with more heat. The furnace continues to burn. I have every opportunity to call for help, to ask for refuge, and yet I do not. I paint over the rust.

The furnace will eventually explode under the growing pressure and the glass will break all around me, leaving the framework of what was once a beautiful home standing, crumbling. And I will watch it. Quietly. Willingly. Bleeding.

[maybeilovu]

Being not Cis is hard.

It's hard especially with people around me who are all cisgender, for the most part. Especially with a conservative family who don't really seem open minded to the concept. Especially so with parents who don’t seem to try to remember or only remember at weird times. Especially so with a strangely liberal yet transphobic brother who doesn’t bother to listen. ESPECIALLY SO with my lack of presenting the “right way.” I'm constantly struggling with "I don't look passing" or "I look too feminine" or "why am I not androgynous enough?" I struggle with my presentation so much.

If you have the guts, how do you even bring that up in a conservative family? "Oh hey I'm not this I'm that?" How do you explain the body dysphoria if they ask about it? How do you explain the pronoun thing, the name thing, the 'don't call me that it hurts my feelings' thing? The 'just respect me for fucking once' thing? I don't even HOUND anyone about being LGBT, I don't cram it down people's throats, I'm constantly TERRIFIED of putting my community in a crossfire of 'omg they're so freaking annoying'. The only time i’m ‘annoying’ about it is when I bring it up in casual conversation, casual being ‘oh hey this relates to (insert identity here) culture!’ or just ME being a gay mess.

Speaking of annoying, I’m so fucking TERRIFIED of being annoying, anyway. So much so that I put my own fucking mental health at risk just so I don’t piss anyone off. ESPECIALLY the identity thing. Today, I changed my new name just a little bit after having the new name for a while. I went by Sid for almost 2 years, but now I wanna go by Sidby. I’m more attracted to it and attached and it feels more personal and so much better. Putting aside the cisgender conservative family thing, putting aside the possibly-conservative-friends-cuz-i-live-in-fucking-kentucky thing, I don’t wanna annoy anyone with the new name. ‘Oh my god they changed their fucking name again’ or “there she goes with her weird gender shit” WHICH BY THE WAY- I GO BY ALL PRONOUNS DON’T WORRY I’M NOT BEING MISPRONOUNED I’M FIIIINE!! 

ALSO? THE BODY THING? The ONLY way I can get binders are 2nd hand from a friend who doesn’t even wear her’s for too long. She only wears binders because she doesn’t like her size, just for clarification. I got 1 and another on the way. The deal is I wear the binder and all it does is just flatten me. I have a little bit of a belly, I have thighs, I have hips, and I have an ass all of my friends comment on. My face is very round and I still look female. Even though I’m binding, I just look like a very flat female...I don’t have short hair, either, I plan to keep it long and just make it more ruffled and just layer it with shorter cuts.

I’m still trying to figure out how to make myself look like...me. ME. The ME I dream of. The ME who can confuse the hell out of people. The ME who could probably look attractive enough and not just ‘cute’. The ME who is sick and tired of being heart broken and traumatized. The ME who actually graduated and maybe has more friends. But that’s hard, especially with no money, god wow I’m saying especially a lot. And I feel so fucking annoying about it...I try to stay on lowkey about it but then I’m spamming my friends with ‘WOULD THIS COLOR LOOK GOOD FOR MY SHITTY, KNOTTED HAIR?’ and not even fulfilling any promises of changing just quite yet. I’ve tried to get people to commission me, to get money, to fund me changing into me without having to annoy people about money like some fake ass beggar and to work for the money and have a so called ‘job’. And then I try not to annoy people with advertising about my art or the money I wanna make. And THEN I try not to annoy people about sharing anything like advertisements. Really, i just feel annoying literally all the time no matter what i do and I  end up in a vicious cycle of “i wanna change and love me” going all the way to “I’m so fucking annoying about this.”

That all circles back to the conservative family. I don’t want to be annoying and stamp myself as the annoying outcast tranny queer who maybe gets disowned and probably gets my parents and brother disowned and ends up in a ditch somewhere. I don’t wanna annoy anyone with my appearance or how I present or how not-cis I am. I don’t want to be apart of the problem...or at least a bigger part of it.

I WISH I could rant about this stuff to my accepting friends but, yet again, I don’t want to be annoying. Typing this all OUT makes me feel annoying. Am I annoying? More than likely my rant is valid and I’m valid but that’s just what I feel like all the time. Annoying.