When did you realize your parent or parents were narcissists?
Usually, children are not aware of the psychological and emotional abuse they suffer, and they realize it only in adulthood. Many adult children of toxic parents have not yet realized that their parent is a pathological narcissist.
You can recognize narcissistic parenting from these signs:
1. Narcissistic guilt trip.
Narcissistic parents act like they're doing you a favor by feeding, clothing, and giving you a place to stay. Whenever they want something from you and you say no because you have the right to say no, they'll remind you of how much they gave up in their life to raise you or how much they sacrifice for you, saying for example “if I didn't have you my life would be better”.
Parents who are emotionally healthy love their children no matter what. When their child does something wrong they'll punish them but it's still obvious to the child that they are loved.
Narcissists don't display to love their children. They don't have the ability to love their children, so they will only give out conditional love.
The minute you do something that embarrasses them or the minute you rebel against them, they will cut off your supply of love from them completely.
And when you're raised by a parent like this it's easy to see why when you become an adult you turn into a classic people-pleaser.
You grow up thinking that all love is conditional because that's what your parents taught you and so you constantly feel like you must prove your worth in order to be loved. You constantly feel like you have to make everyone happy in order to earn love and it's always the sense of shame inside of you that always makes you feel like you're not good enough.
Narcissists see their children not as individuals but as extensions of themselves, so they see their children like their property. They don't see their child like a thinking human being that deserves privacy and respect. So narcissistic parent will always cross your boundaries and that includes buzzing into your room without knocking, not respecting your privacy in the bathroom etc..
When mothers look at their daughters, they see youth, they see beauty and so a normal mother would want to nurture that and help that flourish and grow. But a narcissistic mother is jealous and will actively try to destroy her daughter’s self-esteem and even compete with her. Narcissistic mothers especially are in competition with their kids the minute the child is born. If someone pays more attention to the child than her, she will resent the child.
Narcissistic fathers are also in competition with their son and they put down their self-esteem.
5. Taking credit for your accomplishments.
Narcissistic parents usually do this in public but not in private.
If you've ever been in a situation where you just needed your parents to empathize with you and tell you “everything's going to be okay”, and they genuinely could not, it's sometimes a sign that they could have a narcissistic personality disorder.
Even worse is the fact that they may even appear to enjoy your pain. It's weird for a parent to do that and that's why it's called a personality disorder.
Narcissistic parents will do their best to keep their children in a child-like dependent state at all times. They don't want their children to grow up and gain their independence because that means their children would go off on their own. And they can't let that happen because how could they take supply from their children then?
So, they want to keep their children around for as long as possible and the best way to do that is to basically train their children to be helpless.
They will not teach their kids how to cook or other basic things that you're supposed to teach your child. So that in the end, the child can always feel like “I'm dependent on my parents and I can't make it without them”. There is also mental abuse as well because they'll constantly put their child down while reminding them that they're helpless.
8. Never admitting wrong.
Just never expect a narcissist to apologize. They won't because they don't feel bad about it. Sometimes they will acknowledge it and then later they'll tell you that it didn't happen. If they're not gaslighting you, they're probably turning it around to make themselves the victim. They will never admit their wrongs.
9. Projecting bad traits on to you.
Your parents could be visibly selfish, inconsiderate, evil, and negative. But for some odd reason, they will throw those things onto you as if you are the one with these traits.
10. Destroying your self-esteem.
They plant small seeds of insecurity in your head. These seeds germinate and push your self-esteem into the ground.
As a result, you grow up having no self-love, self-esteem and can’t stop paying attention to that voice in your head that tells you that you're not worthy or good enough.
Another way they will lower your self-esteem is by comparing you to other people. Even if you did the best that you can, it will never be good enough for them because they'll always find a person to compare you to.
They enjoy drama because they feed off of emotional responses. For example, if you have siblings, nine times out of ten, your narcissistic parent will try to make you guys not like each other, especially because narcissistic parents tend to have a favorite called “the golden child” and then they have “the black sheep”.
Narcissistic parents make the black sheep feel like trash, like this person does not matter and is inadequate. They will then put the golden child on a pedestal. But remember they don’t really love the golden child, they just love the image that the golden child represents.
Often they try to call family meetings because they are running low on drama and are searching for an emotional response.
When you feel negative and you have a negative emotional response, they are taking a hit of narcissistic supply; they can see it in your face and in your tone. The more you respond to them with a negative emotional response the higher supply they get and then they’re addicted to that.
Furthermore, a narcissistic parent gives affection to children only when they want something from them. It’s very difficult to meet all their expectations.
As a result, the children feel like they are not good enough. This results in adult children who always feel incompetent, incapable, anxious and have low self-esteem.
Now that you know this, how do you all feel? It's sad but it's happening 😭
SLOW LEARNER STUDY GROUP Est. 1995
