✦✦✦ ─────── EACH STEP felt like boulders strapped to his ankles, weighing him down as he followed along the river. Mud beneath the soles of his shoes pulled on every march forward, threatening to swallow him alive if Howard did not move fast enough through the winding path. Sopping wet with only the clothes on his back, he gripped onto his own body as if he was cold, his breaths laboured and heavy.
There up on a hill lay a church. Somewhere beyond that must be a road leading to a village, to a town, to a city. Where next, only the Lord knows, but this far into Ireland already, perhaps home is not too much of a wish to hope for?
He arrived by the wooden doors shivering, eyes glazing over small posters about the upcoming activities for the congregation to join in on. Knitting, choirs, mental health talks. Opening hours. Opening hours. Opening hours.
No notes on the opening hours. Howard gritted his teeth, and tried the door regardless. It swung open with a heavy groan, perhaps cursing the arrival of the cursed son. Not wanting to soil the pews, he dragged himself through the aisle and sat before the Son of God. Not praying, not hoping for an answer, not anymore. Merely… taking shelter.
The Lord was quiet in His eternal suffering up on the cross, head low, blood pouring from the palms of His hands. Howard wondered if some day he too would be lowered from the crucifix he was mounted on, in this hellish unending purgatory of unliving. Perhaps, if he tried to pray, battered black and blue as he were too, they could find common ground in the shared understanding of pain.
He shifted now to kneel properly, clasping his hands in prayer, closing his eyes.
"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done; on earth as it is in heaven."
What next, Howard? Would you wish for your daily bread, and for the Lord to forgive your trespasses? You've murdered and murdered again, your teeth animal, your maw dog. There is no place for you but Hell itself, burning and burning and burning and burning--
He jumped at the sound of shuffling within the church, footsteps perhaps of a night guard. Quickly he looked around for a place to hide, and found no other place but the confessional booth. Quickly Howard half-crawled, half-sprinted towards it, tracking mud and puddles of footprint-shaped water on the stone floor.
@sluaghter : “ you have something that is mine . ”
❛ it was him, uh— ❜ he stammers, reflexively shifting the blame when the other catches him with the carved rune. siegfried makes a move to put the piece of wood back where he found it, but his movement stills. instead, he waves his hand around with it undecidedly. he stares at nicholas until some courage slowly returns to him. despite his hesitation, curiosity narrows his eyes.
❛ he was curious . . . ❜ he adds after a moment of silence, not specifying that it is the alb he speaks of. that is the only other person he associates with most of the time, so something in him naturally assumes it could be no other. and it isn't a complete lie. both he and the creature are certainly curious about this finding. even though siegfried is sure that the little demon knows more than he does, as always. he holds up the object to present it, still hesitant, then lets his hand fall down again. he has seen one like it before, carved by another particularly odd individual in the woods. siegfried almost huffs a quiet laugh as he thinks back to the encounter. ❛ why do you have this ? ❜
👀 no tell me about adellas crushes (people in town? celebrities? whats her type?)
KMSD. no but srsly. i'm putting this under a readmore cuz it's loooong and got way more into me deep-diving into a core theme and question of this blog: how does a non-human biological system, like a perisi's, process universal forces such as love (this is dependent on the statement / pov i'm making in this blog that Love IS a universal entity all creatures interact with to some capacity) ?
tl;dr for the readmore: as a perisi, adella doesn't experience romantic attraction by default or even most of the time. rather, she's "attracted" either 1) to what she perceives as prey or someone she can entertain herself by toying with -- soft, open, submissive, targets OR 2) to dominant personalities she considers to be a rival or equal -- but this is more a tactical / survival-based attraction mirrored to what relationships in perisi ecosystems look.
neither of these are within the scope of 'i gravitate to you because i like you want i wanna be committed to you'. this is like 85% of her interactions or character motivations, unless we've deeply plotted w/ each other.
and some funky precarious mix of both imo leads to romantic attraction / a soulmate type.
type 1: when adella is " attracted " to someone, it's more likely than not because she only wants to toy around with them or use them... play cat and mousish games to keep herself mentally stimulated and thereby alleviate the profound sense of boredom she experiences most of the time in her life.
you know how orcas, and other animals, go crazy inside enclosures bc they're under-stimulated ?? you can think of adelinky much the same way, but the " enclosure " she's stuck inside is the surface world and its ecosystems being dominated by humans, and feeling forced to mirror human behaviors. behaviors that are so hardwired into us as humans -- as MAMMALS -- that are incompatible with her.
importantly, a core blog theme is centered around challenging anthropocentrism -- so, like, i'm not talking about social etiquettes / cues or things like that we as humans might struggle with attuning to ... that are part of the LARGER HUMAN EXPERIENCE ... i'm talking about the claustrophobic experience of being a decidedly non-human, apex predator fey creature forced to operate within systems that govern mammals and mammalian evolution. things like our social bonding, natural tethers to oxytocin, tit-for-tat survival / reciprocal altruism, grief responses, the definition of and requirements around achieving homeostasis... and so on. perisi are wired completely different ways and in order to fully realize how different it is, you kind of have to strip yourself of the thinking that our biological behaviors / needs as humans are universal laws and projecting that onto her. she is fey !! she's not a mammal !! she's not human and will never be human and that's the point etc. etc.
i don't mean to get too deep but ... everything IS connected. and attraction is one way to give you a more contextual understanding of why she is so compelled to toy around so much... she's constantly feeling under-aroused in everday life ashore bc she doesn't find meaning within the systems i described above, and she's so extreme in her relationships for precisely this reason.
she's an orca and the human world is a glass wall !! and basically, you give critters in zoos enrichment toys to keep them from withering away. people are her enrichment toys. :')
anyway, anyway, now that that's established ... i'm going to put @lunarscorching on the chopping block bc she has 2 muses we ship with where she's attracted to them for very different reasons:
hithon is the type of personality -- pliant, gentle, melancholic, open, inclined to submissiveness -- that she likes most to play with and parody intimacy towards. seeing these type of people react to how she'll stage an environment or social situation in order to manipulate them is suuuper delightful for her, like you're a scientist watching a dog exhibit a pavlov response and its proving something about their wiring to you. like you're growing teeth for the first time and testing them on every surface to see what is edible or not. by playing cat and mouse with you, manipulating you, what have you, she's teething at the nature of mammalian systems she's been doomed to live forever within, to observe their resilience and boundaries. and thereby making all kinds of observations and keeping herself mentally stimulated as a result.
relatedly, in the realm of discussing human qualities that amuse her, when i put this on her bingo card i wasn't just being tongue-in-cheek:
^^ this is a very natural thing that humans are inclined to want to do. we're helpful creatures bc it helps us build social bonds and connections and that's good for our survival.
but she likes this quality in someone not because she thinks it's endearing. she thinks it's amusing to see this very mammalian response, this very, to her, foreign and strange response to play out: to answer distress signals like pain or crying etc. with nurturing since perisi do not nurture ... watching someone exhaust their emotional energy on her, wasting their biological resources essentially, thinking it will have some sort of effect when it won't ... she'll get this amusement in same way you pull a string toy to get certain pre-programmed sayings out of.
does that all make sense ?? basically, it's a type of attraction she experiences if she considers the person prey or just a toy for mental enrichment ... or both.
type 2: the OTHER type of attraction is super rare and it's only truly if she considers them equal to her (like attracts like, " monster " x " monster "). rambo's other character, krie, is really rough around the edges and not in a cute way -- 99% of the time he comes across as violent or aggressive or impatient in a way that can genuinely comes across as abrasive or off-putting sdkm. powerful. aggressive. risk-takers. ppl who are equally bored with life and push boundaries just to feel something. constantly vying with each other and unsure of who has the upper hand ... she loves that stuff.
you gotta understand, she grew up in what we'd consider a deeply competitive, violent fey society that's submerged in either complete darkness or, at best, cold light -- where it is very easy to hide in the shadow or be otherwise deceptive. where you're always measuring yourself up against each other. where survival here means FACING your rival or threat, not avoiding them. in that type of environment, you thrive best when you're next to -- seeing -- aware of -- the thing everyone is most afraid of.
so, it only makes sense that she's attracted to very strong signals of dominance, unwavering focus, resilience ... physically, this would manifest as great height, something 'solid' about them -- broad shoulders, thick wrists. strength. deep-set eyes with heavy brows. dark features. deep, resonant voices. stillness / very economical use of movement (weak things are twitchy and nervous). intense, MINIMAL BLINKING, or dead stares (e.g. flat, not warm) bc eye contact means everything in that world, and why SHE maintains it so much too.
all creatures of the deep-sea, and water fey especially on top of that, reveres beauty to the point that it's something of a religion for them. beautiful things matter. so. you know when i was talking about tall and handsome? i really meant it lmao.
ooo but aqssa :( none of this is romantic attraction ??
hiiii. YES !!!!!!!! YOU'RE RIGHT !!!!!!! i am describing her default state -- but the purpose of this blog is explore and challenge her character and watch what changes can or cannot come out of that.
naturally, it's programming of adelinka the rpg that you get to customize via plotting lmfao. perisi do not experience romantic attraction (and i remind readers that humans are not the most romantic creatures out there or capable of the highest, deepest levels of romance), but over time, because of circumstances revolving her magic and deeper blog themes and curse that i won't get into here bc i yapped too much already, this line between what she gets attracted to for strategic survival reasons blurs into the romantic the more and more the bond deepens and the more her nervous system recalibrates to think that she's totally unwhole without them. 'i'm with you for utility' turns into 'we're pair-bonded against outside threat'. her constant surveillance of you turning into devotion, things like that. it's really messy and i'm not saying the journey there is very healthy all the time but ... it is very authentic to the theme, i hope, that stories are non-linear and not always about human physical and psychological evolution.
that's a whole other conversation on ADELAIDE DIANE TRITON falling in love, which is out of scope for here, i think. i can get into if anyone cares but i'll probably yap ridiculously for that too lmao.
also, this isn't the exact formula or type of person she ends up with. there are variations to this ritual -- that's the nature of rp operating in the multi-verse isn't ?? and the variances here, the huge changes / exceptions to these rules make for equally juicy and interesting stories. hero x villain, golden retriever x black cat, all of those are options here too, each with their own levels of how good or how bad is this for either of them lmao.
celebrity crushes:
let's talk briefly about nature versus nurture !! she was born to humans and grew up among humans in modern verse so ... the conversation and themes i discussed above regarding attraction get transfigured a bit into something else.
anyway, i'll keep this light and brief for this section. she was a teenager mostly in the 90s so that 90s super models era ... so i know she was obsessed w every single one them more for their aura and then loving their individual features came secondary to that. i think her celebrity crushes exclusively were women tbh. women with sharp / birdy features and bohemian or witchy personas -- the lisa bonets and winona ryders of the world. viktor tsoi died in 1990 but his legendary status was still inescapable among kazakhs and though ofc this isn't a crush, i think she was thoroughly obsessed with his legend and persona.
she isn't much of a celebrity crush person overall and more like. idk she was always the quiet mysterious girl at school that never wanted to make any friends. and yet she'd have developed on crush on someone she KNOWS, (generally) never reveal it, and instead get reallyyyyy hyperfixated on them in her head. write about them in her journal. stare them during class skdmf. and be otherwise insane and obsessed about them but not generally act on it until she's like. 28 and sees them again and goes feral bc a lot in her life changed at that point. in krie and adella's modern verse this is exactly what happened LMAO.
You know you're getting old when second wave '80s thrash metal albums are celebrating 40th anniversaries; albums like the oft-underrated Torment in Fire, by Canadian speed demons Sacrifice.
Technically released in 1985 through twin Canadian independent labels Diabolic Force and Fringe Product, the album's distribution was very limited until Metal Blade licensed it for the U.S. and Roadrunner for Europe, in the early days of 1986.
I, for one, don't recall ever seeing Sacrifice's debut in my local record stores that year (which started in Milan and ended in São Paulo), and I didn't get to hear it until the Internet began solving the music accessibility and affordability problem.
You Millennial and Gen Z music nuts will never really know how lucky you are ...
Anyway, despite those setbacks and sharing their name with over a dozen bands from almost as many countries (Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Ukraine, China!), nowadays these Toronto natives are usually top-of-mind when the Sacrifice name is uttered.
And with good reason, because vocalist and guitarist Rob Urbinati, lead guitarist Joe Rico, bassist Scott Watts, and drummer Gus Pynn arguably took pole position among Canadian thrash bands with this violent and explosive debut.
Younger and faster than the pioneering (but already fading) Exciter and rather cartoonish Anvil, more instrumentally adept than Slaughter (the other one) and Infernal Majesty, these guys were an absolutely devastating proposition by Great White North standards.
In fact, blistering assaults like "Sacrifice," "Turn in Your Grave," and "Beyond Death" share their harsh, melody-free vocals, blistering buzzsaw riffery, and occult subjects with some of the era's most extreme heavy metal warriors: Bathory, Kreator, Destruction, Possessed, Sepultura, and yes, Voivod.
What Sacrifice lacked at this point was songwriting distinction (that would come later), so even though sheer force and intensity will probably keep you riveted throughout these 36 minutes, just a few songs ("Warrior of Death," "Infernal Visions," "Necronomicon") may stick with you when all is said and done.
But for those of you who like a little hardcore influence in your metal, know that Sacrifice revealed a peripheral interest in crossover thrash with a pair of sub-two-minute efforts -- "Possession" and "Decapitation" -- tucked away near the end of the LP.
The following year's career-best Forward to Termination would find Sacrifice further honing their sound and songwriting around the classic Exodus Bay Area thrash model, but some purists may prefer the rougher charms of this first cult classic.
In any case, Sacrifice undoubtedly deserve belated discovery by modern-day thrash enthusiasts willing to sample the style's rich bounty beyond the Big Four and next dozen or so key contributors -- just don't ask me to rank them today.
I need to get my neck out of head-banging-induced traction first ...
Turn, turn, the seasons, the smoke of the Autumn winds drift away, leaving in their wake a sky stained ripe lavender; the peace of a pleasant winter, before the deep chill truly settles, ushering all beings behind hearth heated doors. The window is cracked, permitting the gentle seep of ice-fresh air to waft through the home, intermingling sweet with the scent of cookies. Adelaide's lodgings are expansive, a suite in the academy where the majority of teachers and other auxillary staff dwelled: styled to her taste with lavish tapestries, cozy crocheted blankets, and shelves upon shelves of books, treasures of the librarian's collection.
The knock upon the door is unexpected. "Ophelia could you see who that is?" Adelaide's hands are drenched in flour, rolling shortbread dough, treats for the students who came to the library early the next day, and if a few ended up being indulged by herself, then so be it!
The heavy brass lock turns with a weighted clunk, from behind the threshold peers Ophelia's wide eyes, always curious and slow to build an expression of any proper reaction. "It's Mr. Teague." She calls over her shoulder, foremost to a greeting.
"Nicholas!" Surprise lifts the angle of her words like the startled song of a robin. "Well goodness dear, don't leave the man out in the hallway, greet him proper and invite him in!"
Ophelia smiles then, practiced and kindly, "Hello Mr. Teague! Do come in." A swing of her arm beckons, Adelaide rounding the corner.
"How pleasant a surprise, Nicholas!" Careful of her soiled hands (though her body and apron were just as floured), she swoops in for a hug. "I did not expect anyone to drop by, not especially you!"
-`𖤓´- 𝖍𝖊'𝖘 𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝕶𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖍 𝖜𝖊𝖑𝖑, 𝖍𝖆𝖘 𝖑𝖔𝖘𝖙 𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙 𝖔𝖋 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖘 𝖍𝖊'𝖘 𝖜𝖆𝖑𝕶𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖙. moonlight guides his silent step, pale and dreamlike; proof of nuada's watchful eye on him even here, even now. at last he emerges from the thick summer brush. a light, clinging mist swirls among the yard. the smell of apples hangs sweetly in the air: a promise of bounty. just ahead looms the church-- a forbidding hulk of a place, with its thick stone and slit windows. large, cold, imposing, but familiar all the same. it sticks out against the lush clearing like a sore thumb. in its shadow, the humble rectory lies unchanged as ever.
all at once a woolly body bucks forward, cloven hooves spinning amid flower and fern as if in dance. anyone watching might think the ram mad. luckily for harlon, there isn't a soul in sight. he skips happily, carelessly, toward the rectory. back on two very worn, very human feet, he then plucks the gittern from his pack and begins his midnight serenade: ❝ .. there was a tinker lived of late, who walked the streets of rye; he bore his pack upon his back, patches and plugs did cry; "oh, i have brass within my bag, my hammer's full of metal; and as to skill, i well can clout and mend a broken kettle."
❝ a maiden did this tinker meet, and to him boldly say; "fer sure my kettle hath much need, if you will pass my way"; she took the tinker by the hand and led him to her door; says she, "my kettle i will show, and you can clout it sure." ❞ harlon's smile grows, a wicked thing, and he puffs his chest before continuing in shameless full belt. ❝ fer patching and plugging is his delight! his work goes forward, day and night~!! ❞ and as if those were its magic words-- long forgotten, no doubt-- the rectory door swings open to reveal... ❝ church mouse! i thought you'd never come! ❞
No matter how quiet and reverant his footsteps, Robin's footfalls upon the stone floor still echo in the eaves of the church. He walks, alone, down the aisle, passing rows of prayer books and hard wooden pews. Leaden though his feet are, he comes to the confessional box sooner rather than later. It is a place he both dreads and yearns for. Forgiveness is always sought, yet the confession itself is a process he still finds painful.
He opens the door, closing it behind him as he sits down. The dimness enfolds him, heavy and oppressive as the blackest hour of night. His guilt weighs far more than any darkness ever could. He closes his eyes, lets out a breath. Two fingers rise, forehead to sternum, right shoulder to left.
⠀⠀⠀⠀𝐎𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐚𝐯𝐞, 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬. Tall, straight, his hands behind his back, strong, slender and smooth. The twisting cord trails down his back. Its tasseled end dangles over the slight inward curve of his lower spine. Elegant. Beautiful. The ache in Lemuel's heart knows him by name, twisting and lurching forth as the gurgling under engraved armor grows more frenzied with each step.
⠀⠀⠀⠀Nicholas need not demand. Before he can finish, steel has already scraped marble. The segments of Lemuel's greaves groan as he kneels before his beloved. Arms fasten around Nicholas' hips. Nose pressed into rich vermilion wool, the rise and fall of his navel comforts him. With the slack tide of his breath, the warmth of his skin, every atom hums in harmony. Nicholas has gotten thinner, again.
⠀⠀⠀⠀"You know I have missed you." He breathes. Quivering. Burning. Lemuel has always been this way. Too easily is he moved to tears and easier still is he moved to his knees for his beloved. "There is no one in my heart but you. No taste on my tongue but yours." Lips fix to Nicholas' knuckles. They ghost over each nail and press into the center of his palm. Lemuel rises to his feet, kissing still at his febrile wrist. A scorching pulse blooms against his mouth.
⠀⠀⠀⠀"I think of you in every moment. I wonder if you've eaten, how much you've slept. I envy the clothes on your back, the sheets around your body that hold you when I cannot." Lemuel curls his arms around him. His breath escapes him as his hips press to Nicholas'. Their bodies mold together; cells give against each other with every touch. Molecule bleeds into molecule. Structures undone as they come impossibly closer. One hand caresses misty silver hair. Their noses brush as he whispers upon the other's lips. "Please don't hold back from me, my dear Nicholas."
⠀⠀⠀⠀Lemuel kisses him. Hungry and desperate. Every kiss jealous of the last. Every graze of their tongues tasting too little.
