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what if i was trans masc instead of genderfluid

#small crisis #chilei's on skooma again

Do the kids have belly buttons??? They were never in the womb....... They have no reason to have belly buttons

#ooc.#small crisis

At this point in my life I have two options:

1) Become a Nun and join a Convent.

2) Find a beach, build a hut out of palm trees, and live off coconut water and freedom.

#decisions #life #send good vibes #feeling down #small crisis

He doesn't mean anything by it. Just vaguely 'holy shit' because tall.

"I JUST came out of the closet--that doesn't mean I want every guy I see!! I don't even know how old he is. Ahhh."

That, and he was dating Akira...

#;;akechi: limitless #small crisis #Will be resolved shortly

SKJNHVSWDOIKMSJ HELP

Fuck, I’m just going to yell into the void cuz I kinda can’t take it right now. I’ve suppressed my emotions, and silenced my voice and in turn had such a poor sense of self over the years, I’m just really tired of it. I feel like I never figured out how to just be myself. I’m sensitive so I don’t like sharing my opinions too much, or showing my emotions. I’m so afraid of being troublesome I’ve turned myself into a fuzzy gray blob that just absorbs everyone else’s shit.

I go through most of my day just in my own head, hardly speaking or interacting with anyone. I’m quite a shy introvert but fuck, it’s getting to me.

I feel such a longing itch, but... I’m not sure how to go about exploring myself and expressing myself. Sometimes I just feel so out of place and uncomfortable. Whatever it is people see in me, well I just don’t know what it is but I doubt I show it very often. I feel like a side character with very few lines and has no relevance to the main plot.

I want my voice to be heard, but then I shame myself into thinking I’m just seeking attention, and then I doubt the worth of my own voice. I want to just have the freedom of confidence. I want to be able to speak my mind, instead of reflexively hiding my entire being so as not to even be noticed. I swear I wasn’t this nervous and shy when I was younger. I had this sense of “fuck it all” and would just be myself and either be entirely oblivious to haters, or I was just so unimposing anyway... most people still didn’t really notice, which was honestly fine at the time.

I always thought things would be easier when I was older. That I would reach this imaginary point where I finally didn’t think I wasn’t shit. That social interactions would just make more sense, or I would be less nervous, that I’d grow out of my shyness (HAHAHAHA), that I would simply stop giving a fuck about people’s judgement. The kid/ teenager in me is sorely disappointed.

I feel like I’ve buried myself alive. I’m so afraid of just being myself, but so desperate to escape my own oblivion. I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t know how to just... exist peacefully. Without doubting every word, action, intent... I’m tired of treating myself like shit, yet I don’t know how to stop. I don’t even feel that emotionally distressed right now, just frustrated, and a little angry that I’m even at this point.

I’m just kind of existing. I feel like the stupid white crayon, no personality, no voice, just an imaginary projection of myself trapped in my head. I’m so afraid of the consequences of actually putting myself out there. What if I’m actually a shitty person? What if I’m nothing like I sort of ‘imagine’ I’m like. What if I just can’t handle people being mean to me, I don’t want to be the crybaby I was before. Do I have to be a complete hot mess for a few years before I get it right? I think that’s what the teenage years were for...

I thought I would go from caterpillar to butterfly, instead I feel more like a worm, a slightly worse version of a caterpillar. Blindly crawling in dirt, no direction, no protection, and if I’m in the sun too long I fucking burn XD...............DX

#i don't even know #ranting #rambling #small crisis #please excuse the mess

A small and not really important crisis

Something's been slightly stressing me out lately.

I grew up bilingual, so I'm fluent in both English and German.

Buuuuuut... There's a little issue with growing up that way (for me, at least). At home I'm able to switch between both languages without any communication problems. That's great because sometimes I forget words in either language, but remember them in the other one, mix up grammer or translate something too literal into the language I "need" at the moment and it just sounds weird.

Now, in school there are a few problems... Even though English is tought as a second language here since first grade (it's from region to region different, like in Northrine Westphalia, where I mostly grew up, it's tought since first grade, but in Hesse it's since third grade, for example), my classmates can't understand me 60% of the time when I talk in it.

Nowadays I have two friends who're both really great, almost fluent, in English. We three always switch between languages while talking (everyone else is always confused xD).

But there comes the problem. Both of them are going to go to the USA for an exchange year. I stay here in Germany because I've already spent a year at an American school and we don't have the money anyway.

My dilemma is that I'll have even more problems at school because the rest of my friends only understand half of the stuff I talk about in English.

Another issue is that I mostly speak in refrences, memes, vines and puns that only they get, so I have to slightly change the way I talk as well.

Because of stuff like this I wish they wouldn't leave, but at the same time I want them to go so they can have that experience. So what should I do?

I decided that I'll try to get through this time as best as possible.

I still have other friends besides them, so it's not like I'll be completely alone that year. Also it's not like they're gonna be gone forever, they'll still be in Germany until June. So I'll try to spend as much time and talk to them as much as possible.

So, what moral can you learn from this?

I don't know. Perhaps cherish your best friends even more than usual because there'll be a time where they're not around. In times like this you wish they were there so that you won't feel awkward around others.

Maybe there isn't even a moral. Maybe I'm just making one up on the spot so that this won't be just a rant.

You decide!

#bilingual #exchange year #small crisis #moral

Woahhh, I had a small crisis today. I started with some more coloring on Wolfe and a rough sketch of my own hand, and almost immediately got frustrated. Every single line or bit of color let my frustration grow until I stood up and just chatted with my roommates. Before that I drew that brown-haired thing you can see. So ugly is no problem... lol

#small crisis #i overcame it #ugly is the new beautiful #pretty pleased with the result of the actual work #no fucking clue how to color this thing