#smclnrchvs

[nagkayawa]

kabugnaw sa gabii karon.

nagtindog ko karon sa atubangan sa dagat, kung diin ang tubig kay gahalok sa akong tiil nga nakalubong sa balas. ang akong kamot kay naggakos sa akong kalawasan sa pagtuo nga makasagang ni sa hangin nga mamaak sa kabugnaw.

sa una, ang dagat mao'y gapahilom sa akong kalag nga dili mahimutang. ang tingog sa pagkayab sa tubig mao'y gihimo nakong uyayi, ang kabugnaw sa tubig sa akong tiil kay mao'y gapakalma sa akong panghunahuna.

pero karon, ang dagat mao na hinuon ang gapalungutlungot sa akong kasingkasing. kesa sa uyayi sa balod, gahampas kini sa baybayon, puno ug kakapoy ug kalagot. ang bugnaw nga tubig sama na sa pipilang mga dagum nga gatusok-tusok sa akong kamot ug tiil.

maskinag ingon ani — nga nasakitan na ko ug sugod, naa ra gihapon ko sa dagat. ningpadayon ko sa pagtan-aw sa dag-um nga kalangitan sa unahan, ug didto nako nasabtan. naa'y bagyo sa unahan.

kalit kalit lang, niabot ang bagyo ug dala niini ang kagubot nga dili mapugngan. dala niini ang walay hunong nga luha, kalagot, ug kahuot sa kasingkasing. dala niini ang sakit nga sama sa uwat — magpabilin nga sakit hantud sa hantud, ug dili na mawagtang.

kabugnaw gyud sa gabii karon.

maskinag kinahanglan nako muhaw-as kung dili ko ganahan maabtan sa epekto sa bagyo, nakalubong gihapon ang akong tiil sa balas. hinuon, gibuka nako ang akong mga kamot ug gisugat ko kini, gahuwat hantud gakson kos tanang kasakit.

diri lang ko, maghuwat hantud muabot ang ang bagyo.

ang bagyong gihinganlag ikaw.

[nagkayawa]

and it starts again.

why?

why do you compliment me and treat me like a girlfriend when i'll only end up as your late night, last choice call? why do you come crawling back to me after ignoring me and cutting off all contact cold turkey, as if i was a bad habit? why do you say you like me, enough to be tied down to me, but act repulsed by the thought of it?

why do i live in your drunk memories, but never in your sober thoughts?

i know i shouldn't let you under my skin, yet you burrow your way in. past through my defenses, past the hardened concrete and the stone walls that i've built in the months you were gone.

rather than paining me like it did last time, i am left with a sense of numbness, melancholia, and emptiness. you emptied my heart again, leaving absolutely nothing.

no love, no pain, no emotion. just an empty vessel and cracked pieces.

and while i abandoned the gods i believed in when i was a child— tonight, i pray. eyes closed tight, hands clasped in a desperate plea sent to every cosmic being willing to hear the pleas of my dying soul:

erase me from his thoughts. erase me from his mind. erase me from his life.

so he can't crawl back to a weak-hearted me anymore.

and it starts again — the cycle of pain.

[nagkayawa]

how cruel is your love?

i ask myself this as i feel your arms wrap themselves around my waist, hugging me as you talk about your day.

i ask myself this as i listen to you make plans for us in the future, the oath of everlasting devotion hanging from your lips like a prayer.

i ask myself this as i watch you hover over me, our bodies colliding and melding into one another as if it was the universe's will.

how cruel is your love — i ask, poisonous pain filling every crevice of my being and hot tears pricking the corners of my eyes as i finally found the answers i sought.

your love is cruel enough to delude me into believing that our time together was willed by the cosmos. a divine, one-in-a-million moment of serendipity that would be immortalized in the songs sung by the angels above.

your love is cruel enough to fill my being with love and affection, only to become the fuel to an ever-burning, ever-painful inferno that resides in the spaces between my ribs. i desperately gasp for breath, only for the fire to grow with every lungful of air i take in.

your love is cruel enough to cut me open, causing me to bleed to death while you abandon me, holding another girl's hand as promise her the same cruel love you've shown me.

[nagkayawa]

soon.

soon, i can peacefully sleep at night. soon, the night will not remind me of you anymore. soon, i would not imagine what would be if it was you and me.

soon, this will all be over.

soon.

[nagkayawa]

wasn't i doomed from the start?

the last option, the back-up, the ego booster — you've used me countless times to fuel your selfish desires, as if i was a lifeless, soulless toy in your basket. you play with me over and over until you've had your fill of my attention, and then you throw me away.

an emotional vampire that feeds off the ennui of your playthings, a pathetic attention whore desperate to feel something — that's what you are!

trying out an angrier sound, instead of the melancholia i usually write.

[nagkayawa]

there's nothing here.

nothing is left in this heart of mine. no tears are left to be cried. no words left to wreak havoc. no sadness left to wrap around me. no person left to leave me with that kind of emotion.

and yet, why does it still ache so much?

inspired by juan karlos' new album, sad songs and bullshit.