Things I Got WRONG
During my first tour with sobriety, I missed a bunch of key elements. I forgot why I was getting sober, I forgot that getting sober was more than just not drinking, and I forgot about me.
Not drinking was easy. I managed to “not drink” most of the time, even when I was a regular drinker (by “most of the time”, I mean the 8 hours at work, 5-7 hours of sleep, showering, etc.; I only drank for 10-20 hours a week when I actually looked at “time”). Not drinking was EASY (this is my alcoholic brain rationalization). Wanting to drink, wanting to be drunk, wanting to be numb to the horror that I had become, the damage I was causing, paired with the hurt I was feeling was how I spent the other 150 hours of each week. When I gave up the booze, I had a full 168 hours each week to think about what a piece of shit I had become. Awesome. NOT.
I had considered killing myself MANY times. Fortunately, I was too afraid to do it. I really wanted to be around to see my kid grow up, I probably had a somewhat unhealthy attachment to him. I was also a coward. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to live. I had this secret in my head that SOMEDAY, I would beat this addiction bullshit and be able to drink again, but with self-control. I would have all the things I loved, booze, health, smokes, friends, a job, a loving family, and everything would be perfect. I just needed to get this whole thing under control, so I needed to stay alive. Good try, dumb-ass.
During my first tour, I adopted a sort of “superhero” complex. I wasn’t drinking, so I had all this time to “give back”. Or so I thought. I was volunteering, helping every single newly sober person I could sink my claws into, saving kittens from burning buildings, kissing puppies, and running as fast as I could away from the root of my addiction. ME.
I was broken. I needed to be fixed. I needed to start digging out all of the dirty, broken, shameful piles of bones in my closet and digesting them. I needed to look at all the broken bits, throw out that which was unsalvageable, and fix what could be fixed. I needed to clean my heart and soul and get them in good working order so I would not have to rely on whiskey flavored lubricant to keep the gears running smoothly. During my first attempt at sobriety, I couldn’t do that. In a sense, I viewed it as killing my old self and I was scared to death of what might rise from the ashes. I wasn’t ready to succeed.
This time around, I’m not afraid. I just hit the 18 month mark. I’ve cried, I’ve hurt, I’ve loved, I’ve even started letting people love me back. I’ve asked for forgiveness and forgiven myself and others. I’ve dug deep into my “closet” and I have been cleaning it up since I laid down the drink. I keep finding new things that I need to deal with, but I’ve learned so much about myself and I actually CAN deal with things. I still have a lifetime of work to do to maintain my sobriety, but I feel like I can do it. I’ve let people into my life. I’m sharing my experience. I try to take time and observe my reactions to different situations so I can learn my triggers. My heart, mind, eyes, and soul are open, unclouded, and ready to learn, love, and live a sober, meaningful, and fulfilling life. I owe it to myself, my family, and of course, my liver.