When bad things happen to good addicts
Wow....someone has been a complete slacker in her blah-blah-blahs and other related recovery rants. I guess it’s been a while since I posted, so HERE GOES...
I guess the shit has hit the fan. Without going into a great deal of detail regarding the nature of the fan-hitting-shits and such, I will say that our little family has been jostled about by some pretty nasty events. Our whole family dynamic has been changed around, and it’s been really hard on everyone.
Being the narcissistic addict in said family, I’m going to share the part of this whole debacle that has impacted me, my triggers, and my recovery. Don’t worry, I didn’t use.
Something happened that frightened me. It was something that triggered a bunch of old memories of bad things. It set off my fight or flight response. In the past, “fight” meant getting loaded and flipping my shit at someone or something that didn’t deserve it; “flight” meant getting loaded and internalizing everything and getting hospital-level drunk. In either case, I caused myself physical harm in order to get away from the bad thing. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DEAL WITH THIS WITHOUT. GETTING. TANKED.
Here is how...I FUCKING DEALT WITH IT.
I don’t want to sound like I went bat-shit on some unsuspecting (although possibly deserving) humans. I didn’t. In fact, I’m still dealing with the issue daily. Here is a breakdown of how I handled a pretty nasty crisis:
1) Bad thing happened: My immediate response was hysterical, inconsolable crying, fetal position, etc., you get the point. (This is where the story should read “then I got loaded”, but this story doesn’t go like that.)
2) Fight or Flight: I choose FIGHT. Sanely. Like a grown-up. Keeping in mind the well being of MYSELF, my family, and everyone involved. I am a responsible adult and I am choosing to uphold my basic human rights because I AM WORTH IT. I AM GOOD ENOUGH. MY SANITY AND LIFE MATTER ENOUGH THAT I WILL STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND EVERYONE INVOLVED. Wait...hold on...did I just say that I MATTER??? I did. Did drunk Alicia think that she mattered? NO. She thought that she deserved all the bad things that happened to her because SHE was a piece of SHIT. (This is another place in this story when a self-destructive bender would have taken place and I would have convinced myself that whatever the bad thing was, it wasn’t THAT BAD.)
3) STILL FIGHTING. Like I mentioned, this whole bit o’nasty opened some pretty ugly old scars. I was hurting. Instead of disappearing into a bottle or a baggie, I have done things to help myself be at peace. I’ve meditated. I’ve exercised. I’ve eaten well (although the overlap of this event and Easter Candy Season have not been a good coincidence). I’ve written, read, journaled, gone to therapy, and done all of the things that one is SUPPOSED TO DO when confronted with crisis. I did not avoid the issue. I faced the issue, because it matters, I matter, and that’s kind of a big deal.
People who don’t have crazy addiction thinking patterns can be faced with a crisis and say “Wow, this thing that happened to me really sucks, I’m going to do good things for myself because I need to feel better about this thing.” They will AUTOMATICALLY do the things that I mentioned above. They may even purposefully avoid alcohol or drugs during the time when they are dealing with the issue so they can keep their heads clear until they’ve come to peace with the issue. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE???
NOT ME. NOT WITH THIS BRAIN. We become addicts because we are wounded. We are broken in some way, the booze or the drug makes us feel less broken and wounded. AT FIRST. It doesn’t take long for the addiction to take hold and the buzzards to start circling, waiting for us to self-destruct and ultimately die. When crisis arises, it is the absolute worst thing in the world and we don’t think we are worth confronting it. We want it to disappear. We choose whatever poison seems most likely to keep the crisis monster buried until it doesn’t seen like much of a crisis at all. We integrate this painful experience into our “normal files”, and our definition of “normal” becomes a little more skewed. Hurt builds upon hurt, and we end up a hot mess of whiskey scented old baggage. We envy the people who look happy, never have any problems, never mess up. What we don’t realize is that WE, OURSELVES are the ones holding us back with our crazy brains and addictions.
SO!!! The point I’m trying to convey with this whole thing is this: When we, the addicts, are faced with crisis during our recovery, it can be an excuse to use, or it can be an excuse to grow. Every positive change that we make and decision we make to HELP OURSELVES boosts our confidence, self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and is a reminder of WHY we are recovering. I AM important, I MATTER. I deserve to have my human rights upheld and this I will, in turn, reciprocate.
These POSITIVE actions become part of our NEW, healthy skill set and are integrated to our new, SOBER definition of “normal” (“normal” is a term that I use VERY loosely, referring to all things non-chaotic and the things casually transpire on a daily basis that don’t make me lose my shit).
If you are in recovery and dealt with a crisis, made positive choices, didn’t use, and came out of the situation feeling better, CONGRATULATIONS. It’s a big deal and YOU ARE WORTH IT.
