#social interation

[adultingautistic]

Can autism make a kind of... Social anxiety because you always think "am I doing this correctly?" and "what if this is wrong?" and you don't really know either because everyone just tells you "come on you can do this uwu" but never actually calms your fears?

Yes, absolutely.  Social anxiety is very common among autistics for this exact reason.  We’re told to “just be yourself”, but then when we are, we’re told “Why do you have to be so weird?” We’re told to “Just relax”, but when we do, we’re told “Can you pay more attention?” We’re told to “Don’t think so hard about it, just do it,” but when we do, THEN we’re told to “Think before you speak, what’s wrong with you.”

Who wouldn’t have social anxiety, if they were treated this way?

The only way I found out of my social anxiety was to just embrace my weirdness.  Just accept that that’s who I am, and others are going to have to deal with it or move on.  It’s not easy to come to that place.  It took me years and years to get there.  And it’s not perfect either; when I’m in front of my partner’s family, I mask the shit out of myself to the point I”m unrecognizable, and yes, my social anxiety is very high because I’m so busy checking that mask and making sure it’s perfect constantly.

We all go through this.  The best way to be happy is to accept yourself, and allow yourself to be your weird, autistic self, and when others can’t handle it, don’t care.  I know that’s a tall order.  I know it seems impossible to get there.  But you can start small.  Start with one thing about yourself, and then stop compromising on it.  Let’s say it’s bread crust.  So you stop eating it in front of others, to spare yourself.  Let’s say you’re in a 5-star restaurant and there you are, cutting your crust off your bread in a suit and tie (or evening gown).  And your judgey relatives look at you.  You know what? Tough shit for them.  It’s their choice to be judgey.  You’re you, and your’e beautiful, and your mouth is safe from gross crust.  

And then you do it again, and again, and next time again.  And then eventually, “Oh, Max is just like that.”  They will accept it.  Because you haven’t given them a choice.  And bam, you’re being your real self, and your social anxiety has gone down by 1 point, because you have 1 less pixel on that mask that you have to maintain.

[saltandlimes]

Ugh humans are so complicated. There’s so many social cues and it seems like no matter how many I learn there’s still more that just fly right on by. It’s so frustrating to not understand half of what’s going on at a given time or to know what of the millions of things is the “appropriate” thing to to do to express how I feel.

*giant hug*

Humans *are* incredibly complicated. Whether or not we face specific challenges in understanding social behavior, most of us don’t understand all of what’s getting communicated around us. This sometimes causes problems, and is sometimes a good thing, because it allows smaller groups (families, friend groups, etc.) to have their own non-verbal language.

There are a few good tips I’ve heard for gauging whether or not something is appropriate.

“When in doubt, leave it out” i.e., if you’re unsure if something is oversharing, or inappropriate, just don’t say it. If the person you’re talking to wants to know more, they will ask. 

Learn formal manners, preferably from one of the old copies of Emily Post (not the super modern ones.) These can be really helpful to teach you the “formulas” of social interaction, and the set phrases you should use in a bunch of situations.

Make lists of your circles of friendship. Classify people as “super close” (1-4 people), “close” (5-10 people), and “distant” (other people you don’t hate). For “super close” people, you can share most of/all your feelings, but make sure to ask them ahead of time. (”Hey, can I talk about something that’s bothering me?”). For “close” people, you can express frustration and unhappiness and joy, but don’t go into extreme detail about any of the negative emotions. For “distant” try to stick to generally pleasant emotions, and to minor annoyances like traffic and the weather.

Spend more time listening than talking about yourself. Not only will this help you hear what other people think is appropriate, it’ll also make you seem SUPER AWESOME, because people love good listeners.

[It’s Sleepover Saturday]

[adultingautistic]

How do you feel about the idea of ‘common sense?’ I’ve often find its used to bully into comformity and often not common at all since everyone does it differently

I think “common sense” is fake and made-up, same as “rude”, “offensive”, and a whole bunch of other words, and they are all there for the same reason, as you said: To police those who are different, and try to force us to conform.  

And you’re absolutely right that they’re entirely different for each person.  Because they’re made up and fake.  “Socially constructed” is the term for these things.  They’re literally made-up fake social rules, and nothing more.

People who use these terms are often angry at someone else, for not behaving the way they wanted the person to behave.  But instead of saying “You’re acting differently than I want you to”, they hide behind these words to try to make their upsetness be your fault somehow.  

When someone tells you to “use common sense”, what they really mean is “Behave how I want you to.” And it’s entirely up to you whether you want to listen to that person or not.  

[aceofblades222]

I’m a grin-and-bear-it kinda person

[hybridcupcake]

Da Rules

I came with instructions

For Transgender or Cisgender Men:  

Do not hit on me

Do not ask sexual questions.

Do not send nude pictures to me

Do not ask for nude pictures of me

You may discuss sci-fi stuff, gardening, tv shows, movies, computers, clothes, hair, makeup

You may get to know me as a human being

For Transgender or Cisgender Women:

Do not ask sexual questions.

Do not send nude pictures to me

Do not ask for nude pictures of me

You may discuss sci-fi stuff, gardening, tv shows, movies, computers, clothes, hair, makeup.

I will discuss anything and everything related to lesbians, women, or transgender issues.

You may get to know me as a human being

If you are interested in dating me.  You must be over the age of 18, and I woud prefer that you live within 300 miles of me, but it is not required.

Dating Rules:

I do not “netflix and chill”

I prefer to go on real dates

During the first 6 months of dating, I personally limit myself to hand holding, kissing, hugging and cuddling.  I will not make the first move.

After the 6 month mark, no matter how much I want more physical contact I will not make the first move.

I will always ask permission before any intended physical contact and apologize for any unintended physical contact.

Aftr the one year mark the sexual contact level is unlock.

When we date, you get:

good morning/good night texts

my complete loyalty

you will always come first

lawn furniture (just kidding)

a partner, accomplice, lover, protector, someone to protect

foot and back rubs

a beautiful girlfriend

Thems the Rules

[luminaryfruitcake]

On the Matter of Friendship and Currency

In a conversation with a friend, it was stated:

I'm not going to debate the "All relationships are solely for personal benefit" thing. [...] That's an argument people who don't give a shit about others use to justify not giving a shit about others.

This is something I can disprove rather simply by asserting that single sided relationships are bad. As long as we acknowledge that this assertion is true, then it is implied that there is an exchange occurring; both parties expect to receive something of value for their part in the relationship. With that said, this article isn’t about whether or not relationships are intrinsically altruistic (they aren’t.) Instead, I’m here to talk with you about the currency of relationships.

For example, in the TV sitcom style of friendship, the most common currencies are companionship and acceptance; basically people trade time and camaraderie with each other. A simple deconstruction of Seinfeld shows that the relationship between Jerry and Elaine is based on this. They spend time with each other so that they can recharge and use each other to vent some of life’s problems.

Actually… Time for a tangent. That last bit brings up a rather important point that I think may be at the heart of my friend’s initial comment and also my own disagreement with that comment. As an introvert, being around other people at best is a break even proposition; I need their company (a positive), but tolerating their company costs me energy (a negative.) From my own perspective I can safely say that only my closest friends draw a small enough amount of energy from me that I break even With most folks it’s a loss for me; I’ll need more than just “hanging out” to justify bothering.

An extrovert won’t see it in those terms at all. For them, both the company and the time spent together are both positives on the balance. It may be more or less depending on how close the friend is (and assholes drain everyone, not just introverts,) but in general just hanging out at all is an unequivocal win for an extrovert. If they’re used to friendships naturally having that bit of background currency floating around, dealing with an introvert who’s actually running a negative balance from the contact is going to make them feel like they have to try extra hard to maintain that relationship. This isn’t entirely true, but it will require more work to pin down precisely what the extravert has that costs very little to them that the introvert wants.

But as an introvert myself, it means I need to be more conscious of a few things. Extroverts are FAR more common (2 for every introvert.) I’m harder to be friends with because there’s no “hanging out” allowance like there is between extroverts, for that matter, hang-outs spend the allowance. The answer to the question of “Why do they hang out with me?” is “Because hanging out is profitable, regardless of what other services I provide.”

In the end it will require a shift in perspective on my part. I don’t think like an extrovert naturally. I can’t use my own experiences to understand their behavior. As a result, I need to think more deliberately about how exactly an extrovert sees a relationship.

There’s some more about the types of currency I’d planned to discuss, but I need to soak in this thought process for a while before I move on to that.

[mrsdemolitionlover]

Frequently when people find out that my husband and I are a married couple in our gaming communities the men we are talking to (that have SOs) say how jealous they are. They go on that their wives and girlfriends don't want to have anything to do with gaming or D&D or what ever. It makes me hella confused because I sit there wondering "Then what do you guys do together if they don't like any nerdy things?" 

[larvaelamp]

trying to understand why is it that if you're out somewhere, let's say sitting down waiting for someone or something, it doesn't feel awkward to be on your phone if your headphones are in, but if you're just sitting there on your phone, you feel like people are judging you. Is it just me?