Those grey eyes, usually alight with mischief, were now piercing into Remus.
Every inch of him felt like he was being dragged down, maybe by his injuries, maybe by the weight of it all.
Remus’s left arm was burning, the ghost of claws still carving streams of blood through his skin. Sharp needles still felt like they were spiking his feet with every harsh step, aching his legs.
Sirius’s body leant against the counter, his arms folded over his chest. The sight of him made Remus’s chest tighten.
The question was tense, in that low voice. But the malice was laced with an almost unrecognisable concern. Sickness pooled in his stomach.
But Remus had to be strong. He couldn’t give in.
“You know I can’t tell you,” Remus replied stonily.
Sirius’s eyebrows shot up, and eyes filled with emotion. He stood straight, making Remus flinch.
His voice was heated, but still calm.
“Don’t call me that,” snarled Sirius, venom in his voice.
“Just talk to me, please,” said Sirius earnestly. It took all Remus had in him; the burning feeling that he owed this to Dumbledore, not to collapse in Sirius’s arms. He pushed those feelings away, not allowing himself to feel the grief begging its way into his heart.
“Sirius, you know I can’t tell you. I’m on Dumbledore’s orders!”
He’d never seen Sirius so raw, so desperate for the truth.
Remus winced, and stepped forward. But seeing Sirius flinch back, and the pain in his eyes was enough to know he’d fucked it up irreversibly. Something sunk in his stomach, and his heart skipped a beat.
A wave of fiery anger took over Sirius. The soft sadness in his eyes was replaced by a raging fire, one that Remus didn’t want to be anywhere near.
“Sirius, please, I can’t do this.”
“Do what? Lie to me? Keep secrets from me? ‘Cause you’re doing a fucking brilliant job so far!”
“You think this is easy for me?”
“Well, why d’you do it, then?” Sirius was panting, heated rage hanging onto every breath.
“Dumbledore! I owe him, Sirius!”
“You don’t owe the old bastard anything! You come back everyday with scars all over your body, and I don’t even know where the fuck you go during the moons. Whatever the bloody man’s telling you to do, it’s hurting you.”
Sirius took a shuddering breath, before facing a tearful Remus. “I can see it; you haven’t been the same lately. And no matter what he’s done for you, he has no fucking right to hurt you,” finished Sirius, his words becoming softer.
“I can’t do this anymore,” whispered Remus, pain hanging on to every word. But when he spoke again, his voice was stone cold, and the tears had disappeared.
Something inside of Sirius broke. Remus could see it. The way that all the fight had dropped out of him for just a split second. The way it all came crashing down for just a split second. All the hurt, the anger, the guilt. Like all the shards being held together shattered, before forming a sharp blade.
“We’re done,” Remus said simply, his voice plain and emotionless.
“You- you can’t mean that, Remus.” Sirius barked out a harsh laugh. “We- we’re not done.”
“No,” Remus said, so quietly, yet filling the air with his whisper. His voice was icy.
“You really don’t love me?”
“That’s a lie,” Sirius muttered more to himself. But then he lashed out, stepping towards Remus and bringing himself to meet Remus’s eyes. “That’s a fucking lie and you know it!”
“It isn’t! I don’t love you! You could be the fucking spy for all I know!”
“I? You think I’d be the spy?” Sirius sounded hysterical for a moment, before losing it. “I’m not the one sneaking off to Merlin knows where every fucking day and half the nights! I’m not the one who keeps fucking bailing on Lily and James, am I? You’re the fucking spy, aren’t you?!”
“I’m not! Y’know, maybe if you weren’t so bloody impulsive and reckless, Dumbledore would give you an important job, instead of getting into duels with your fucking family!”
“You take that back now!”
“I would if you fucking trusted me!”
“How can I trust you if you won’t tell me where in fucking hell you were? How the fuck can I know you weren’t reporting to him?!”
“You bloody know this isn’t happening, you asked Dumbledore!”
“The bastard fucking lies! And now you do too!”
“Would I ever lie to you?”
Sirius’s words were poisonous. He held his head back, and for a second, Remus could see his lower lip shake, and heard a sharp intake of breath. Remus felt sick.
“Did you ever love me?” Sirius sounded desperate. “Even if this isn’t real, was what we had at school real?”
Remus felt like he was about to break. He wanted to erase the pain in Sirius’s eyes, chase away any thoughts Sirius’d have of this, and be there for the man he loved forever.
But the war didn’t work like that.
“You never loved me, did you?”
“Yes, I did,” said Remus, and he closed his eyes and took a breath. “Once, when you were someone different.”
Tears pricked at Sirius’s eyes, and his hands were up in his hair, pulling at the roots. He looked unhinged, with desperation and agony.
“You know what- I don’t care. I have Prongs, Lily, Wormy- just get lost.”
The realisation sunk into Remus. It sunk in like a heavy stone, scouring through every happy memory he’d ever had. His eyes widened, and he stepped back, and brought a hand to his bleeding lips.
“Sirius,” he said, voice breaking. “I-”
“No. You can’t fix this now. You meant it.”
“Sirius, please, listen to me-”
“I’m done listening to you. Wormy thought you were the spy, maybe I’ll listen to him, for once.”
“No. Shut up. You said it yourself.” Sirius drew himself up, and took a deep breath. “We’re done.”
