#somesaturday

[manny-madness]

I’m drunk and he’s there and I have to walk up and say hello. It takes me a moment to be ready, and then there we are.

It’s awkward and a relief and it really has been two years. He’s relaxed and cautious and distracted and hopeful. I’m in a tail-spin.

It’s brief. I don’t want my friends to meet him, I don’t want it to drag on. I can’t keep it together for very long. I’m drunk and he’s there.

I go back once more. Intense, honest, overdue conversation takes place in a short amount of time. We were in a relationship, it was important, we do want to kiss. Then I leave.

Every thing that happens after that is a mistake. I let him talk me into things I’m not sure I want. I am exposed to his pain and mine and I’m too caught up in old feelings to recognise that this should be over by now. Should be the end. It’s not.

[reyjahverleo09-blog]

#somesaturday Solo sentí la necesidad de subir esta foto hoy para decirte que TE QUIERO MUCHO mi titilina hermosa, bueno y también porque Marelisa sale cool en la foto 🙃 . . . #moments #friends #weeding #party #love (at Panama City, Panama) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnMCSavAM5a/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xlx33qtjc06u

[manny-madness]

The right thing to do is never one thing, it never happens in one moment of clarity.

Certainty is a lie, the falsehood of black and white.

Endings are just the end, they don't have to be poetic, sad, momentous, clear, kind, happy... they are just the end. They come early, on time or late. They arrive when they get here.

He is a game, with rules closely followed. I wanted to put the game down, I want to stop thinking, worrying, shaming. I don't want to pick it up again, even if saying that, hurts.

Ours was a game of my half-lived life, that never forces me to go all-in. I need to gamble on stronger hand, I can't have him in my back pocket.

Impulsively, I brought him back in, knowing how this round would go, knowing how I'd simultaneously thrill at having him there again and curse myself for inviting the mess.

Impulsively, I threw him away, couldn't say goodbye or why. Does it feel good? Nope.

Does it feel better? Maybe?