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Whales: An Inebriated Investigative Report

Author’s Note: As an homage to one of my favorite sources for comedy, today I will be experimenting with a research-based writing style taken from Cracked.com. Years back the website posted an article titled The 7 Best Kinds of Monkeys: A Drunk Column by long-time writer/editor Soren Bowie. The premise is to deliver informative, entertaining facts about a given subject of which the author begins the article knowing nothing. Each time something has to be looked up or actually researched the author takes a drink. Today we will be drinking Hurricane. Forty ounces ought to cover it, right?

Whales. The majestic, ocean-dwelling mammals* native only to the Pacific North West found in all of the world’s oceans*. The taxonomic classification for whales excludes dolphins and porpoises*. This is brutally discriminative considering that literally no one could tell the difference between a skinny whale and a chubby porpoise if I pointed one out. For those who enjoy Latin, whales belong to the order Cetartiodactyla* which means “even-toed”*. As definitive evidence that scientists are all fucking with us I will toss out there this simple little factoid pulled straight from my own brain, whales don’t have any toes! Go figure.

Counter to our basic understanding of how animals live underwater, whales actually breath air. Some species can spend as long as 90 minutes* underwater before having to surface for air. Whales take their laziness to a whole new level by not even bothering to bring their whole face out of the water before returning to the ocean depths where Donald Trump’s twitter feed cannot reach them. On the top of a whale’s head is a single blubbery nostril called a “suck hole” called a “blow hole”*. This is used to blow air into their lungs. Modern studies on cigarette smoking among whales is tremendously sparse*** but it is safe to assume that throat cancer isn’t much of a threat when you were essentially born with a tracheotomy.

Whales are remarkably social animals*. Much to the delight of whale watchers every where, whales are known to make quite a display when they are feeling playful. Some will enthusiastically breach the surface*, jumping as high as their little toes can carry them. Some will lift their tail into the air then smack it on the water’s surface* like a clown falling from a high dive. Since Facebook is not available underwater, most whales like to spend time with family and friends which they call a “pod”*. Whales are terrible gossips and their melodic calls* can be heard from miles away*.

Pop culture presents whales as silly little play things that will do tricks for our entertainment. Theme parks like SeaWorld* and movies like Free Willy 2* would have you believe that you can have your own whale best friend and, like, he would just totally get you. However, our current research suggests that whales have complex emotional needs* and can’t live long and healthy lives in captivity*. Furthermore, documentaries like Blackfish* have brought to light the untold dangers of abusing and harassing wild animals that are bigger than you. Specifically, the danger is that those bitches will kill you*.

After much more research than I intended to do this early in the day I have concluded that whales are pretty cool. They look funny, they act classy. Plus, some species like Blue Whales have this giant tooth called “baleen”* which they use to eat pound after pound of shrimp like Chris Christie in a Vegas buffet. That’s awesome! I know that whales get a bad rap for beating up seals* and for beaching themselves by the dozen* but I think we should just let them be. If the whaling industry taught us anything it’s that our ecosystem is fragile* and it’s our responsibility to protect these mammals** for future generations. Whales are all stuffed with delicious* and expensive** whale oil that we need for lamps and shit***.

What I’m trying to say* is watch your ass whales*. We’re coming for you!****

#SorenBowie #LampOil

Cracked - fucking - after hours.

Currently my favourite show!

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#thisdanobrien #seriousswaim #misskatie #sorenbowie #cracked #cracked fanart #fanart #scribbles #art #afterhours #after hours #beautiful popculture

Rufus's Follow Forever (aka people I recognise on my dash) P44

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#songbird-and-an-old-hat #sonic-screw #sorenbowie #spicytheiste #spuddit #RFF

Day 03 of Admirathon: Soren Bowie

Dear Soren Bowie, Congratulations, you have been presented with Day3 of my Admirathon. It is a prestigious title to hold, and I know you'll uphold it prestigiously. In addition to knowing you are the third person I have chosen to admire publicly, you also get to know why I admire you! The reason lies in your ability to humble me via your Cracked column. Your most recent article consisting of 5 apologies left me particularly humbled. Your sincerity in ensuring the police that surprised you in your home knew how much you regretted your possibly inhospitable behaviour has made me realize that I have been entirely too harsh on unexpected guests, eager-to-do-well coworkers, and even strangers who clearly just didn't understand my rigid rules concerning common social interactions. I admire your ability to confront awkward situations in such a way that no one involved could possibly feel guilty or stupid after you have apologized to them, and would surely feel no need to rectify their perfectly acceptable behaviour. In addition, I admire your hard-won and carefully maintained handsomeness. Sincerely, You Have Inspired Me to Make Some Heartfelt Apologies of my Own

#Admirathon #admire #SorenBowie