I just realized that my recent story “Familiar Pages” was my twenty-fifth story on Ao3 and my fiftieth story on FF.net (isn’t that lucky!). I’m really glad that I’ve made it this far with my writing, and I’m excited about how much I’ve improved over these last five years of writing.
I’m especially grateful for Professor Layton. I’d been having trouble writing for quite awhile until I began playing through the series again a few months ago for the first time in years. After playing Unwound Future in April, Clive really resonated with me in a way he hadn’t back when I first played the game, and suddenly the floodgates opened, and I was able to write again. I’m really grateful to all of the people who commented and read my stories; I felt very welcome to the PL writing community, and I’m excited to keep writing more.
Ah, that'll be Mordesri, my imperial agent. He was the first toon I took through the expacs and I thought "Why not?"
I like the thought of an Outlander who isn't strong in the Force, who bridges the gap between Republic and Empire, and not just Jedi and Sith. He's like... the common man, and I think many of the non-Force using people who joined up with the Alliance were able to relate, and liked the thought of how they didn't have to be strong in the Force to be important to the galaxy, just brave and willing to put in the work.
Plus, I love to throw a shitload of angsty situations at Mordesri and kotfe is just *chef's kiss* plumb full of 'em.
Yet most of my inspiration comes from there. I'm a sucker for someone hiding their feelings for their bestie.
One day I shall get Desi to a point in characterization I like.
But our beloved writers didn't nail it... I'm allowed time.
----
Riley stared out at the city scape. The dark sky echoing the encroaching depression in her chest. Leaning over the parapet she let the weight of the past week wash over her. She sank like a stone with it. Everything in Mexico, Mac appearing at her door, the nanobots, Mac, Murdoc and Leanna. Her chest tightened. Her hands held the metal; knuckles bone white. Loosing her to a long term undercover mission had been one thing but learning she’d had been dead for 6 months.
6 months.
After loosing Jack. She stared down at the road below, vision blurred by unshed tears. It had been bad enough learning about it. However learning it over comms when they couldn’t be there for Boze. Taylor refusing to admit the truth. Bozer begging to know what was going on. Murdoc taunting all of them. The gut wrenching confession. An almost timid knock broke her from her memories. Please Mac just don’t be outside my door again.
It wasn’t Mac.
Desi stood there.
Well shit.
‘Hi.’ The moment seemed to stretch forever. The memory of Desi holding a gun to her head during the Codex fiasco flashed in her mind. Riley was adult enough to admit she still felt a bit salty about it. In her mind she did what was right. What Jack would have done. But in this moment it was Desi’s right to be the salty one. She opened the door wide letting the walking weapon that was Desi into her apartment.
‘Hi.’ Desi started falteringly. Her every watchful eyes scanned Riley’s apartment, taking in every detail. Riley was now wishing she had actually cleaned the apartment. Take out containers and few bottles were littered across the table. As well as the clothes from the last few disastrous missions tossed in one corner. Her laptop humming at a precarious angle on the coffee table. Desi picked up a photo frame from her bookcase.
Her, Mac, Leanna and Bozer. From their first mission altogether. The newly weds mission. A selfie they had taken whilst skipping being drunk. Their laughing faces. Felt like a lifetime ago now. Riley wasn’t sure what to do or how even to stand. Desi was just looking at the photo silently. Riley opted to stand with her hands held behind her back. Her foot bounced, nothing in her was able to stop it. Biting back the urge to tell her to drop it. That time wasn’t hers.
‘I figured we should talk.’ Desi offered as she put the photo back and picked up another. This one was a new addition. An old image that her Mom had found shortly after Jack’s... funeral. Jack, her mom and her out at a fancy dinner. Her younger self putting on a very poor show of acting unimpressed. If only she’d known.
‘Yeah I thought you’d might.’ Riley swallowed heavily, hands fisting behind her back.
‘I really have only one question. Was that why?’ Desi finally locked eyes with her.
‘Was what why?’ Riley wasn’t sure what she was referring to. Why she moved out? Yes. But Desi knew that. She’d heard Riley admit it. Why she and Mac were so close? No. They were close before Riley’s feelings started to be really dumb. Why she listened to Mac over Desi? No. Desi didn’t listen. Desi never listened. Unlike Mac.
‘Codex.’ Ah. Yeah that’d made much more sense. Riley sighed. Codex again. When would she and Mac stop having to apologise for doing the right thing? Irritation, anger and guilt. All feelings battled for dominance.
‘I-.’ Trying to find the right words was hard. Bozer had asked her a similar question during the lockdown. It had taken her a long time to unpack it. ‘I think it’d be easier for you if it was the whole reason. In truth it did play a part. I can’t deny that. But my answer hasn’t changed. At the end of the day I trust him.’ Des huffed out a light laugh, face betraying her confusion.
‘Which is why you...’ Words never Desi’s best skill at the best of times were now absent. But she’d said enough. Desi knew that Riley’s trust was hard earned. Mac had earned it ten, a hundred times over.
Riley shrugged. Desi did deserve some answers. But she wasn’t entitled to any more of Riley’s feelings than had been violated already. She wasn’t up for being interrogated or judged. Or whatever Desi had come for. Riley had taken measures into her own hands trying to get information on the nanobots. Bozer had panicked thinking she was bolting from her reality. Apparently everyone considered her a flight risk. Something that was ever so slightly offensive given it was Mac who had the tendency to cut on run on things when they got too much. 3 times at last count. Desi put the photo back on the shelf delicately.
‘Bozer said you had a tough time while we were gone.’ Desi offered trying to break the silence building in the room.
‘Yeah. Carried out my own information gathering... rather triggering.’ Desi nodded but Riley could see that she was preoccupied by something else. Asking those polite questions reflexively.
‘You’ve managed to keep your feelings compartmentalised. How?’ Desi sat down heavily, one hand going to the necklace she had used to wear every day. Riley realised that she hadn’t seen it in months.
‘I just... did. It was the easier option.’ Riley sat down herself trying to maintain composure. It was getting harder. What did they want from her. Wasn’t it bad enough they’d all gotten to hear her it over the comms for some bastards twisted show? Why did everyone think they were entitled to know everything? Her feelings were her own god damn it. She’d lost enough. Walking into the Phoenix, all eyes trained on her. Pity. Riley Davis abhorred pity. For all her mistakes and faults; she owned them all. She felt like a walking wound at the moment. Bozer’s guilty stare. Mattie’s concern. Taylor’s facade. Mac’s... regret? She didn’t want any part of it.
‘Is it?’ The question was rhetorical and Riley was feeling completely baffled.
‘Love. How do you park it.’ Desi was staring at the floor. ‘How do you know if the way you love someone is more real than for someone else. Lasting love. Familial love. Friendship. Partnership. What makes it the way it is.’ Riley opened her mouth but the words seem stuck in her throat. This didn’t seem to be about her. Or Mac. Tear drops appeared on the floor. Desi was actually crying. Riley was terrified. This was not what she was expecting. She was expecting to be yelled at. Accused of trying to interfere in her relationship. Undermining her. Even a possible punch to face. This was completely out of left field.
‘I wondered about you and Mac. Right from the start.’ Riley fixed her gaze at her TV. Unable to keep it anywhere near Desi. Desi continued her train of thought.
‘You two were so in sync. Never doubting each other. Always able to hash out problems. Call each out without blowing up at one another...’ That was true. She and Mac had been on the level almost from the get go. He had his reservations given her background and less than welcoming personality at the time. Riley had taken time to accept that Mac really was the Boy Scout Wunderkind he acted like. Not long. For a pair of damaged kids with deeply ingrained trust and abandonment issues. It was practically a miracle.
‘I’ve been jealous of you. You fit in and make it look effortless.’ Riley rolled her eyes. Effortless. Seriously. Desi could not be that clueless. Her nostrils flared as her jaw shook with the effort of controlling her reaction.
‘Desi. I am the child of domestic abuse, alcoholism and paternal abandonment. I spent over two years in a Supermax. It took time. A long time for me to fully settle in. Don’t mistake hard work for ease of work.’ Riley stood up, angry as Desi turned to face her fully. Riley’s tone was cold. Perhaps foolishly icy given her company but she would not allow anyone to minimise her efforts. Her shoulders finally lifting in her outrage.
‘I made an effort to move past my issues with people who made me feel safe to do so. Jack, Bozer and Mac gave me the security to do so. But-’ Riley lifted her right hand to her chest. Tapping. Punctuating each of her next words with a blow to her sternum. -I did the work.’
Unlike you.
Her words unspoken hung in the air between them. Desi’s dark eyes shone with shock, insult, anger and then something else. Vulnerablity.
‘You asked how I parked my feelings? I didn’t have a choice. Mac is first and foremost one of my best friends. You don’t get many of those in this world. I wasn’t about to throw that away because my feelings changed.’ The crippling sadness and fear wrapped around her chest like a python. Tight and constricting. Breathing became more of an effort. The edges of her vision dimmed.
Riley refused to have another panic attack. Not with Desi in the room with her. Not when trust seemed like such a distant concept for them.
‘I made a choice.’ A choice that had killed her spirit just a little bit more each day. Each time Mac made her laugh. Pulled one of this stupid ideas. Sought her out. That night in the kitchen. The mention of a diamond. ‘You need to make your own.’
Desi turned to stone. Even her breathing seemed to stop at Riley’s words. The steel vice of her self control shutting down all emotional displays. Without another word Desi left Riley alone.
The slam of the door barely registering as the cold sweat soaked through her thin t-shirt. The python increasing it’s grip on her torso bringing with it the burn of nausea. This time she couldn’t fight back the tidal force of the panic crashing down on her. There was no where to run from it. All control stripped from her so cruelly time and again.
Her lack of stability growing up. The pain of not being enough for Elwood. Her driving away Jack time and again. Peyton and Kai. Supermax. Phoenix. Murdoc burning her walls to ash. Exposing her with no place to hide.
Awareness of the world dimmed. All Riley could see and feel was dark and scary and she was alone.
Fingers ran through edgeworth's hair as she slid onto his lap. She smiled flirtatiously as she ghosted her lips over his, her lips curled into a smile. "You know.. if you say one word.. a simple word.. I'd love to show you a magical night." All he had to do was say yes.. yes and she would show him a night of sin. //oops. Sorry. Dez just keeps wanting to harass edgeworth
“My aren’t you a persistent young lady…” He said as he placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you sure you haven’t been meddling around with the tonics again? You’re developing a habit out of that you know.” There was concern lingering in his voice.
