#sorting shit out

[butchscientist]

also! i'm back in iceland

[the-saucy-wave-equation]

So, I just started new medication in order to treat my newly-diagnosed mood and anxiety disorders, which has led to very mixed productivity. Frankly, of the four days I’ve been on the medication so far, I’ve been productive on one of those days, during which I way hypomanic. My friends say that I seem way more hyper and energetic than most of the time now, but my brain is just racing away. However, I don’t feel depressed, and that’s a nice start.

Today I intend on finally cleaning off my desk so that I can work and enjoy the balmy weather we’re enjoying in London. I’ll try to post before and afters of that. 

But really, I feel pretty hopeful. I’ve taken steps to improve how things are going, and I think that with time, I’ll be able to sort out the shitstorm my emotional life has become, and be able to be productive again.

[depressedgoblinnightmareman]

helo fronds

im trans; he/him

goodbye

[andsothisismylife]

I don't drop people for no reason. I actually felt bad for dropping people for a bit after a recent conversation. But no actually, I don't drop people too fast, I drop those that have an extreme negative effect on me and aren't worth the friendship. Yes I've dropped 99% of the friendships I have developed while living in Florida. But I don't drop everyone, when I had a massive amount of great friends in NJ I did not drop any of them, not one. This isn't because of my hatred for this place its because of the people. If I was friends with some of the people here back in NJ I would have dropped them the same. That is not a fault of mine its a strength. So yeah I don't hold on to toxic relationships but that doesn't mean that I drop everyone, not by a long shot. Never gonna feel bad about this again.

[tirnanogue]

I need to distress the shit out of my leather jacket, i need to put all my ideas for a mad max cosplay down on paper, i need to finish my goggles, i need to finish my theatre costuming class project, i need to make a torc necklace with jackalope antlers as ends, i need to further develope the pirate character i’ve based off my friend omar....

Shit, when I asked for my artistic inspiration to come back, it came back with a vengance

[jackawful]

Also I used to have really strange outlandish dreams but now it’s all very obviously connected to my waking life which is really weird. Very few good dreams, too, they’re usually based in whatever the anxiety flavor of the day is, or sometimes even the weird church shit I went to as a kid. Like I’m not one for self-diagnosis by any means, but nightmares were always one of the symptoms of ptsd/cptsd/rts that I didn’t have, and now I kinda sometimes do, and it sucks.

and idk like...I can cope. I’ve actually been healing a lot on other fronts, like detoxing from religious shit in general has helped me be able to confront it most of the time without panicking. But I’m still not entirely there yet, had to walk out of my death class weds. because the professor (who I usually like, normally he’s been pretty balanced about this shit, addressing different belief systems etc.) was talking about how Christianity is *so great* at helping people grieve and that religion can be an advantage on that front and I started shaking and had to leave early. Nothing in the rest of the class has triggered me like that; I can conceptualize my own mortality just fucking fine and I’ve pretty much come to terms with it. I don’t even think it was that, tbh, I think it might have been just a plain old trigger in the way he was saying it, b/c when I was leaving I heard SO MUCH about how it would be easier and better for me if I believed.

It’s been more than 4 years since I consciously started down this road and I’ve gotten better, but it still hasn’t gone away. I’m really fucking scared that it won’t ever go away. I don’t want innocuous, well-intentioned stuff to keep dredging this up. I don’t want to bury it either, not by a long shot, because it’s all been a big part of my formative experience, but goddamn I don’t want it to effect me like it does now.

[lordsuckstoduck]

In my feels tonight.

[abcji]

last time i went to korea was so simple! being an exchange student, I didn't directly deal with my school (in retrospect, no one did it for us either, but I don't remember making any direct contact with them before I arrived.) I didn't need the same volume of documents to get a visa and student finance was always behind me. it actually feels really good to have got it mostly sorted from my insurance to bank accounts and just getting my documents in order. when I arrive it's going to require some timing when it comes to my visa... and for me to make some crucial decisions.. but it's all taking shape!!  Now to enjoy my last 2 weeks in the UK ~ ^^ oh, and get on with packing.... the biggest headache of all!