Setiap insan mempunyai caranya sendiri dalam menyayangi.
Ada yang dengan sangat terbuka membagi ceritanya ke seluruh penjuru.
Ada pula yang hanya bisa terbuka kepada dirinya dan Tuhannya.
Dia lebih bahagia jika itu klandestin.
Tanpa perlu dunia bahkan kamu mengetahui seberapa besar sayangnya.
Bukan ia tak perlu balasmu akan sayangnya, tentu ia pun manusia biasa.
Hanya saja luka jika itu klandestin akan lebih mampu ia hadapi, pikirnya.
Tapi ada satu doa yang selalu ia panjatkan:
semoga dalam klandestin ini, terdapat hingar bingar yang akan sampai kepadamu.
Entah kapan.
liSTEN im watching blue radio with jonghyun and the rest of Shinee right now and I have no fucking clue what they’re saying but they seem happy so im also happy.
But the point of this post is that, that performance of Tell Me What To Do was the most entertaining live radio performance I’ve ever seen in my life, I love these boys.
It’s more of an anecdote, but it turns into the whole stream of thought type deal, so it’s whatever.
Two of the better friends that I’ve made this semester, I saw for the last time today, because we had our final together. An INFP and ISFJ just for reference. I had thought about bringing this topic up a few times before, but each time, I seemed to get stopped by something that didn’t really permit the conversation. And eventually, I just made peace with myself that I might never bring it up, and we would just go our separate ways. But today, there was an easy transition into the topic, and while I wasn’t planning on addressing it today, I figured it best to go for it, since the opportunity was there.
The topic was whether or not any of us would be friends after we finished the class and went into the new semester.
The INFP is usually the first one in class, then me, then the ISFJ. The INFP and I are usually early enough that we have to wait outside the classroom, along with some of the other students. We talked like it was essentially a normal day of class. When we got into the room, however, we started talking about finals, and she mentioned, at some point, the issues with college when it comes to making friends in your classes. So I thought it was a good time to ask her: “do you think we’ll keep talking to each other and being friends after the semester is over, even though we won't have any classes together anymore?”
I had kind of prepared myself for the idea of never really talking to either of them ever again. Basically, my mentality was that if she still wanted to, then I would totally be down for it too, but if she didn’t really want to, or see it as worth it, then I would understand.
I didn’t mean to sound sad, or anything, but I think I did. She sort of hesitated for a minute, and I told her that she could be honest with me. I wasn’t going to be hurt by either answers, I just wanted to know what I could expect in the future, just so there wasn’t any ambiguity, or confusion. Just so we were on the same page.
She told me she wasn’t really sure, because, unfortunately, she can be kind of lazy when it comes to being active friends with someone. And while it kind of sucks, I get it. There are some people that I just don’t talk to, regardless of how well we get along, unless the circumstances make it easy. So she told me that she often contacts people when something reminds her of it, and then they start talking about something. That it will probably end up manifesting in out of the blue text messages from her, bringing something up. And, what really stuck with me I guess, is that she hopes we keep talking.
I wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to that, and a lot of times, that can be kind of bad, because I might cover that idea up with something disingenuous as a joke, in a kind of weird way, but I find that even though I used to rely on the method for a really long time, I don’t really like it. Because it’s not actually who I am, and people, especially my friends, might think I’m mean, or uncaring, when really, all that’s going on is I’m too stunned to reply with anything at all. Or rather, I have too much of a hard time vocalising those sincere kinds of thoughts and ideas to do anything.
So in the end, when she finished explaining what she thought would probably happen, I just said “Okay. I was just wondering. Thanks for telling me.”. And then she asked me “what about you?”. As in, what did I think / want to happen after the semester, to which, I explained my reasons, stated a few paragraphs up, already.
We brought up the topic to the ISFJ when she arrived, and she seemed a bit put off by it. Like, she didn’t really understand the question, or get why we were asking, or anything. And the INFP was like “what do you mean ‘what do you mean’? The question makes perfect sense to me...”. And I think she might have just been a bit uncomfortable with it at first, and probably a bit surprised, because that was the very first thing the INFP brought up when she got there, and I think maybe she just wanted some time to process it. I did make a little joke during that time to kind of draw the attention away from the subject and just let it rest for a little bit.
She seemed okay with the idea a while later, though, so I think maybe that was the right choice on my part?
I hope it was, anyway.
After our final, we went into this little food court on campus and hung out / ate / talked for a little bit before we had to split up again. During that time, the subject came up again. Ultimately, the ISFJ proposed that we just try to keep in touch, and if it doesn’t really work out, or we’re just not into it, then we just stop. Basically, try it and see what happens from there. And I was okay with that. Really, I was. But I think maybe they thought there was more going on.
Strangely enough, the subject was kind of focussed on me, in a way that I’d not really experienced before. I think it was right after the ISFJ gave her idea, and I said “Okay. I am okay with that.” that the two of them kind of looked at each other, then back at me, and the ISFJ said “aww, you look so sad”.
And the INFP started talking about how she felt kind of bad when I asked her the first time because I looked sad when I brought it up and had “huge puppy-dog eyes” sadly asking her “will you still be my friend?”, and how she had to think really fast how she was going to “break it to me” that she’s a bit lazy with her friends.
In the past, I probably would have denied being sad, somehow. Probably by making another absurd, disingenuous joke, or something that would kind of paint over that truth, I guess. That’s the best way I can describe it. I think maybe they thought that I was really only “being strong” with the fact that there is the possibility that we don’t talk anymore. But really, are actually two sides of my attitude towards this idea.
There’s the side of me that obviously wants to stay friends with them because we had a lot of fun, and I like talking to them about things, and hearing about the things they say, their lives, etc.. The side that acknowledges that ideally, yes, we would still be friends, and keep in touch, and maybe make time to meet up, and whatnot. That’s my personal side.
But then there’s the side of me that is okay with and understands both of their potential decisions, yes we will stay friends, or no we will not -- no more contact. The side that understands their points of view for each, and will accept them either way, because I don’t want to hold anything against them, and though it might hurt that they wouldn’t really want to invest the time in it without our mutual class, I get it, know that it’s not personal, and want whatever is best for them. So if they thought the best idea was to not keep in touch, then I would be okay with it, and supper that decision, even if I wish it wasn’t that way.
Does that make sense?
I feel like it does in my head, but it’s hard to articulate that in actual language. That might be because my mind is still a bit cloudy from being sick. It’s hard to keep my thoughts focussed on something. It’s a lot easier to just not think, haha.
So really, what I’m trying to say is that the subjectivity that wants to stay friends with them, and the objectivity that will accept any of the outcomes, as long as its the best decision in the long run, those parts are completely separate. It’s like both of them developed at the same time from the same situation, and do not interfere with each other at all. Kind of like if two plants grew from on seed. Neither of them developed from the other, they both exist equally and adjacently. The only commonality they have is the very seed from which they were born. And in this instance, the subjectivity and objectivity are the plants, and the seed is, well, my mind, I suppose. It’s me. They both originated from my thoughts, I guess is the best way to put it, so that’s the seed.
But they probably didn’t understand that, haha. I didn’t tell them any of that. Mostly because I didn’t know how. And I’m not even sure that this explanation that I just provided is sufficient enough to activity communicate the way that I’m approaching this problem. I guess I just hope that my outward demeanour didn’t make them feel like they should be obligated to be my friends, because if they don’t, I’ll be sad. Though that may be true, it’s no reason for obligation. They have their lives, and I don’t want to restrict them, just because I don’t want to lose touch. I’m sure they’re wise enough to know that. But still, I feel as though it’s a temptation among people in their position, especially in society, to feel it, anyways.
On another branch of this subject, I wanted to address the fact that I’m glad that I was kind of... awkward, haha. That’s not to say that I think being awkward is cool, I don’t really have an opinion on it. But I was that way because of the fact that I did not know what to say. And it was just very genuine of me, I guess. I was kind of sad, and they saw that, and I didn’t try to cover it, or anything. I didn’t really capitalise on it, either, I just kind of... I don't know how to describe it. I was just myself. I guess that’s the best way to put it?
Basically, I think they saw that I didn’t really know what to say, or do, and they just accepted that. I didn’t try to downplay anything, I wasn’t trying to cover anything up, I just acted and reacted how I normally would, if I was given the right to be myself (which I’ve always had, but have often times felt that I haven't, causing me to deviate from that behaviour). And those reactions, a lot of times, tend to actually be no reactions at all. There aren’t a whole lot of things that I have strong reactions to.
And there are people that I think kind of made me feel bad about that, so I’d tried to fake them for those people, and while they were okay with me then, I felt awful about myself, because I really didn’t like reacting in a way that didn’t exemplify my true position on the matter. If that makes sense.
So with today, I reacted in a very... deadpanned kind of way, which is most natural to me. Although, they said that I looked very sad, in the way that I reacted, so while I felt deadpanned (at least I think I did), I suppose the way I came off was kind of melancholy. And really, that’s okay, too. The general idea is that I’m glad to have not put up a front in the way that I act with them, is all. However I came off, I did so because I was not trying to appear to be anything other than what I was. And if that was sadness to them, then so be it.
Even if we don’t spend a whole lot of time with them / keeping in touch anymore, I’m glad I got to know them, and I’m glad that I made sure to just act as myself, because I feel like there have been a lot of people that I’ve known, where I haven’t done that. And towards the end, when we said goodbye, the INFP told me that even if we didn’t talk so much in the future, she would keep my number, and if I ever needed her for anything, she would drop everything and be right there, right away.
I kind of wish I made sure to tell her that I felt the same, but if I did so in that moment, it wouldn’t have come out the way I wanted it to. I just listened. And made sure that she knew that I understood, I guess. I hope she knows that I didn’t think that was weird, or too far, or anything. I appreciate that a lot.
I’m not too sure what the future will be like, in terms of the both of them, but I’m optimistic, and open-minded.
