so i didn’t notice insomnia creeping back into my life ~
and now it is 1:45 am again, my alarm is set on 5:15 am, and i am wide awake.
i realized with a shock - only a few minutes ago - that i am fatally disconected to my feelings at the moment. i mean, i feel happiness and sadness and (most of all) boredom and aggression... but it is all clouded, like i am watching a movie and observing an other person’s emotions. i have felt a little disconnected for years now, this one thing forever hovering over my life and affecting each and every moment.
but i got used to it. i shut myself down to a point where even my Demon disappeared into the distance. when he reappeared, i swore to never let this happen again. and i stuck to my word, i refocused on what is important to me and managed to get some really good things done - which were not only essential for saving me from despair but also to lighten up the road i want (and, by fate, need) to take. and then everything came creeping back again, and so much slower than i am used to. this time i am terrified, because it feels like my enemy is growing stronger, observing me and slowly learning better ways to deceive and defeat me and to steal all my strength and passion away from me. and it is so different this time, it is not the immense sadness that is dragging me under - i don’t even NOTICE it anymore, and this lack of emotion is so much worse than crying my eyes out because life is stressing me the fuck out. it is like i am always tired, but at the same time i stay up until morning and getting less than 4 hours of sleep per night. i am so afraid that this shit will drive me insane.
and then, just a few days ago it happened again. my Demon made an appearance, more vivid and colourful than ever. i cannot count the times this little devil in my head rescued me, but i surely cannot deny the quiet voice that whispers ‘fate’ into my ear. it shows me i am on the right track. now i need to overcome this lethargy. i need to start my engine again, fuel it with all the things my Demon is promising me and get the fuck out of this misery i currently call ‘life’.
i feel pathetic because i am relying on my Demon so much, but i simply cannot make it alone anymore. i guess i need you again - and so much more than you could ever imagine ~