A tribute to my very dear friend @only-one-of-each-of-us on her special day.
Fandoms: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS)
Pairing: McCoy x Original Female Character
Rating/Warnings: just fluff
Word Count: 6.101
Or read it on AO3: A Piece of Art
Summary:
Up to now, whenever someone had talked to him about love at first sight, he’d just laughed and made some dismissive remark, certain that such a thing didn’t exist. But now McCoy wasn’t quite so sure anymore. This was certainly more than a shore leave romance.
1. Choosing a Subject
Clutching his coffee cup, Dr. Leonard McCoy was ambling along the main path of the little park across from his hotel, enjoying the sunshine and… Yes! She was here again, same spot as the days before. The mysterious artist, whose quiet dedication, the way she meticulously kept improving her work – drawing, erasing, redrawing – he found so incredibly fascinating. There was a dreamy sweetness about her that did the most unexpected things to his heart. He just couldn't help it.
He’d got a glimpse of her art the first day he’d come here. Passing behind her, he’d been enraptured by the picture of a little girl and boy playing with some pebbles by the swing and slide on the small playground in the centre of the park. The drawing had been staggeringly beautiful, not just because it was such an accurate and perfect depiction, but also because she’d managed to capture all the joy, the happiness, the warmth and gentleness of the scene, too.
Not to mention that she was a piece of art herself, this delicate beauty quietly sitting on a bench sketching, and the reason why he’d left his hotel at the same time every morning all week now, crossing the park in the hopes of seeing her again, this stranger who made his heart beat faster just walking past her. Every morning, the doctor would sit down on a different bench, somewhere near but not too close, sipping his coffee and simply watching her beautiful face, lips slightly pursed and frowning in concentration, as she was completely engrossed in her art.
She’d caught him gazing at her once, and thrown him a heart-meltingly shy smile that had kept him awake half the night after. But since he didn’t want to come across as a stalker, he’d limited himself to fifteen minutes in the park after that, just as long as it took him to finish his coffee, before going on to join his colleagues at the AIMC, the Annual Intergalactic Medical Conference, which was hosted by Starfleet Medical on Earth this year, and held in San Diego, California, a beautiful and enchanting city he’d somehow never been to before.
Just like he’d never experienced anything like this before. This woman was a total stranger, and yet, he found his thoughts circling back to her throughout the day. And the nights, too. Up to now, whenever someone had talked to him about love at first sight, he’d just laughed and made some dismissive remark, certain that such a thing didn’t exist. But now McCoy wasn’t quite so sure anymore.
x-x-x-x-x
She’d noticed him the first day he’d come to the park. Looking up from her sketchbook, she’d found those strikingly blue eyes in this stranger’s kind, handsome face gazing at her intently. He’d immediately looked away again, a shy smile playing around those full, sensuous lips, as he made his way past her, coffee cup in hand, and she couldn’t but admire his lean frame, moving so gracefully, light-footed like a dancer, seeming so confident and at ease in his body.
He’d been wearing a sleeveless denim vest over a tight black T-shirt tucked into skinny jeans that morning, and cowboy boots of all things. The look suited him, though. He was a tall, very slim man, but his shoulders were broad and the well-defined muscles in his arms, stretching the material of his shirt’s short sleeves, hadn’t gone unnoticed.
She wasn’t usually the type to hanker after some random stranger, so this man with his observant eyes and gentle smile catching her attention like that had totally taken her aback. She hadn’t been able to get him out of her head all day, and had found herself wishing he’d cross the park again the next morning. Of course, she’d planned on going back to finish her picture there, anyway.
To her great delight, the handsome stranger had indeed returned the next morning, and the one after that, too. He’d taken on this routine of strolling around for a bit, then choosing a bench to sit down, sip his coffee, and idly glance about, watching the people passing by, and occasionally her, too.
On day four, they’d started exchanging friendly nods, not quite in greeting but as a polite sign of recognition, the way you do with people you’ve seen around but don’t actually know. That had been the moment when it hit her how much she’d really love to get to know this gorgeous man who could make her day with a single brief smile. The brightest, warmest, kindest smile she’d ever seen on anyone.
2. Rough Sketch
After a prolonged conversation with Dr. M’Benga, who’d called after a patient in the Enterprise’s sickbay had taken a turn for the worse in McCoy’s absence, the doctor arrived at the park later than usual. Crossing the street from his hotel, he’d been positively alarmed at how much the idea of “being too late” bothered him. Or at the intensity of his relief, when he spotted her still there, right on her usual bench.
He’d only just chosen a place to sit and enjoy his coffee, his heart skipping a beat when the woman of his dreams nodded at him again, her eyes sparkling and her smile even brighter than the day before, and was wondering if he should finally pluck up the courage to go over and talk to her, when she got up from her bench rather abruptly and started to pack up.
McCoy could hardly belief the disappointment he felt at her leaving, nor the way his stomach did a little flip when she gave him a shy little wave goodbye. But watching her hurrying towards the exit at the far end of the park, admiring the way she almost seemed to skip along, it struck him that he’d never even seen her walk before. He really knew next to nothing about her!
Feeling the heat rising to his cheeks, it suddenly occurred to him that the reason why she was in such a hurry now might be that she’d actually waited for him. But before the doctor could give the absurdity of this idea any further thought, a young man came racing by on his bike and ripped the woman’s bag off her shoulder in one swift move while roughly pushing her to the ground.
Flicking his coffee into the nearest bin, McCoy was at the woman’s side in a heartbeat, yelling after the brute on the bike all the way over to where she was still lying on the ground.
x-x-x-x-x
She must have passed out for a moment, because when she opened her eyes, she looked straight into the worried, impossibly blue eyes of the gorgeous stranger she’d been pining for all week.
“Welcome back, darling,” he drawled, his voice low and compelling, and incredibly comforting, instantly making her feel safe and cared for. “Can you tell me your name?”
He was running a sort of medical scanner over her. A doctor?
“Alexandra,” she croaked, still a little dazed and not quite sure what had actually happened, the first half of her name almost inaudible.
“Look at my hand, Sandra, can you do that for me?” the stranger went on, his voice gentle but determined. “Now can you tell me how many fingers you see?”
“Two,” she answered, starting to feel more clearheaded again, and when his worried frown deepened, she added with a smug grin, “and one thumb.”
He lifted a reproachful eyebrow and chuckled, “Ah, got myself a witty patient here!”
She chuckled, too, wincing at the pain it caused her head, and the stranger instantly turned serious again.
“You took a nasty fall, sweetheart,” he said softly. “Might even have a slight concussion there. Mind if I feel your head? I’m a doctor.”
“Go ahead,” she replied, stifling a groan, her heart fluttering a little when she felt him running gentle fingers through her hair and all over her head, his delicate, almost tender touch, and the kind, focused look on his face immensely reassuring.
He was on his knees beside her, his face hovering closely above hers, and she could feel his sweet, minty breath on her skin, mingled with the smell of coffee and that of freshly washed clothes. A very nice smell, she decided, remembering just in time not to lean into his touch, when his hand briefly cupped and then gently patted her cheek on finishing his examination.
“You know, Sandra, scanners are great, but I’d rather rely on my hands,” he explained, straightening up and gently inserting a hand underneath her shoulders to help her sit up. Then he held out his other hand and asked, “Think you can get up?”
“I think so,” she nodded, gritting her teeth against the dizziness, and gratefully taking the offered hand to pull herself up.
“Take it slow, my dear,” he murmured softly as she gingerly got to her feet, and seeing that she was standing on rather wobbly legs, he led her straight over to a bench, a warm hand in the small of her back for support.
“Sorry about your bag, Sandra,” he gave her a wry, apologetic smile, sitting down next to her. “But checking on you clearly was my priority.”
“Don’t worry,” she smiled back at him, “there was nothing much in it, anyway. In fact, just some dried-out nail polish and an old-fashioned paper notebook and pencil. I carry all my valuables close to my body.”
She patted the pocket of her jeans.
“But your drawings?” he sounded genuinely upset.
“It’s all right,” she reassured him. “Luckily, I started on a new sketchbook today. So, it’s just the one drawing gone.”
“God, where are my manners?” he suddenly exclaimed. “My momma really raised me better than this!”
And jumping to his feet, he stood before her, gallantly bowing.
“McCoy’s the name. Dr. Leonard McCoy. Chief medical officer of the USS Enterprise, here on home leave. More or less. I’m sorry, I don’t get to treat a lot of civilians these days, and it shows.”
“Alexandra”, she laughed, accepting his proffered hand and chuckling as he dropped the lightest kiss on the back of hers, his lips just short of touching her skin. “Alexandra Dubois.”
“Enchanté, Mlle Dubois,” he smiled charmingly. “You know, I actually thought, you looked a bit French.”
“Belgian, actually,” she all but giggled, “and my friends call me Alex. But you can stick with Sandra, if you like. It sounds really nice when you say it.”
“Oh, ok,” he blushed a bit at his mistake. “I think I’d like that. Sandra really suits you.”
“You think?” she grinned, loving his gentle flirting. “It’ll just take a little time for me to get used to.”
“Well, I’d be overjoyed to get to spend a little time with you so you can!” he beamed, then quickly clarified, “Get used to it, I mean.”
Mortified when she realised what she’d just implied, she didn’t know what to say.
“At least let me take you to a café or something,” he continued kindly, catching on to her embarrassment, “I’d really like to keep an eye on you over the next couple of hours. Just to make sure there’s no concussion. And because I just binned my coffee and could really do with another.”
“All right, Doctor!” she smiled, drawn in by his gentle, beautiful eyes and feeling rather excited at the idea of spending ‘the next couple of hours’ with her attractive rescuer. “Coffee’s on me! It’s the least I can do! I can’t thank you enough for coming to my rescue!”
“Uh, nothing to thank me for,” he replied, blushing again, “and it’s Leonard, please!”
Her heart melted at seeing the charming and confident doctor suddenly turning almost awkward. So, he wasn’t just gorgeous, kind, and a high-ranking medical Starfleet officer. He was also modest and even a tad shy!
“I mean it, Leonard,” she assured him. “You’ve been too kind, and I’m very grateful.”
“So, are you feeling better then? No nausea or anything?” he changed the subject, back in professional doctor mode now, and she hoped, she hadn’t inadvertently scared him off.
“No nausea, no,” she answered, careful not to shake her head and briefly wondering, if she should mention the dizziness she felt looking into his hypnotising eyes.
He carefully helped her up, and they slowly walked out of the park and over to the nearest café, arms linked with her having to lean on him more than she’d expected to, and him easily taking her weight.
3. Refining the Drawing
Up close, she was even more attractive. From her neatly trimmed bangs, that brought out her beautiful eyes, down to her immaculately polished fingernails, that seemed to sparkle in a million different colours and perfectly fit her artistic and mysterious personality.
Sitting across from her at the small corner table, already into their third drink – coffee for him, tea for her, since she’d turned out to be more of a tea person – McCoy’s eyes were glued to her face, as she animatedly told him about a recent experiment gone wrong.
Less than two hours ago, she’d been this mysterious creature, more of an idea really, and now she was a real person, and even lovelier than he had imagined. He’d learned that she didn’t live in San Diego, either, but was only here on vacation herself. And amazingly, she wasn’t even a full-time artist but a fellow scientist, working in a chemical laboratory.
As it turned out, they had much more in common than he could ever have hoped for. And that wasn’t even counting his own occasional dabbling in art, which he wasn’t planning on mentioning, what with her incredible talent ranking so high above his own amateurish skills.
There hadn’t been a moment’s lull in their conversation. Sandra certainly knew how to tell an entertaining story while also being an interested and attentive listener. McCoy found that he wanted to know everything about her. Heck! He even wanted to tell her all about himself! She was certainly the easiest person to open up to.
He would have liked to stay at that café forever, but unfortunately, he had to show his face at the conference at least a couple of hours a day, and even had to give a speech that afternoon. However, by the time he was certain that she hadn’t actually suffered a concussion or any other serious injuries, and he couldn't put off leaving any longer, there was no doubt about them wanting to meet again.
So, taking a deep breath, he worked up the nerve to ask her out to dinner that evening, at a restaurant of her choice, seeing as she knew San Diego so much better than him, and she readily agreed, sending him off to the AIMC with another heartfelt thanks and a gentle peck on the cheek that was all he could think about for the rest of the day.
x-x-x-x-x
Choosing a place for dinner had been easy. She wanted cosy and delicious, and there was only one place in San Diego she could think of that offered both. A small, welcoming restaurant serving mainly dishes from the Middle East – her favourite – that made you feel right at home the moment you entered.
Having been there many times before, she didn’t need to look at the menu anymore, but could enjoy studying Leonard’s expressive face instead, as he was browsing through all the different dishes.
She could hardly believe that she was actually sitting here with “her” gorgeous stranger, the man who’d inhabited all of her dreams, and most of her waking hours, for the past week. Their conversation over coffee and tea that morning had been so easy and interesting, she just hadn’t wanted it to end.
And when there’d still been so much more to discuss and discover about each other by the time Leonard had had to leave for his conference, not before making sure that she was well again and would be all right without him, of course, she’d happily accepted his invitation for dinner.
Now here she was, unbelievably sitting in her favourite restaurant with the most attractive man in all of San Diego. Leonard was fun and had a brilliant mind. He was a devoted scientist, just like her. But he was also a dedicated healer, kind and warm. He had a quiet confidence about him, a comforting gentleness that she found immensely appealing.
Luckily, she hadn’t been seriously injured that morning, but if she had, there was no one she’d rather have had around to help. For some reason, she found she trusted this man to treat and heal anything, no matter how severe. Leonard just had this air of capability about him that was so deeply reassuring. He seemed like a man who wasn’t easily fazed, who knew what to do in any given situation.
Her head was still a little sore, but she felt like writing a thank you note to that villain biker, anyway. Because without meaning to, the bag thief had given her something of much greater value than anything he’d taken from her.
“So, how come you know San Diego so well?” Leonard’s voice pulled her back to the present, as he put the menu aside, ready to order.
“I used to come here once or twice every year, with a very dear friend who was born and raised in this lovely city,” she replied, fondly thinking back on all those wonderful vacations.
“But you’re here on your own this time?” the quizzically raised eye-brow amused her. Was he trying to find out if she was seeing someone?
“Yes, my friend’s working on a science vessel now. Has been for some years, actually.”
“Oh! Are they Starfleet, too?” the eyebrow had almost reached Leonard’s hairline now.
“No, he’s with a private organisation, as their chief chemist. Doing research in space has been a lifelong dream of his. But I miss him.”
It was true. She did miss him. Although she had her family and friends, life without Dan had been lonely and certainly less colourful.
“Are you two … uh … involved?” Leonard’s eyes were darting around nervously now. Was that a hint of jealousy – or at least concern – that she detected there?
“Dan and me?” she asked, stalling for time, but then decided to stick to the truth. “We were, actually. A long time ago. But we found that we’re better suited as friends.”
Leonard nodded thoughtfully at that, and it briefly occurred to her that he might be in a relationship himself. But as if reading her thoughts, he started to tell her about his marriage and divorce years ago, and how he and his ex-wife, sadly, were not suited as friends at all.
After that, it felt as if the last protective wall between them had crumbled, and they talked about everything and anything, including very personal things, until late into the night. They’d both been hurt in love more than once, and comparing stories, talking to him about her deepest feelings, things she had shared with only very few people so far, had an immensely soothing, almost healing effect on her. Leonard was truly a born healer.
But it was only when he started to talk about his daughter, eyes shining with a doting father’s love and pride, that she fully comprehended what a wonderful, loving, and deeply caring man he really was. The profound sadness on his face, when he told her about not getting to see “his little girl” nearly often enough, broke her heart and made her want to hug him. But of course, she was far too shy to do that.
Instead, she reached across the table to give his hand a comforting squeeze, the touch electric, and a thrill running through her, when he gratefully clasped her fingers and gently squeezed back, gazing at her with his kind, blue eyes that seemed to be looking straight into her soul.
After they’d practically been thrown out of the restaurant at closing time, Leonard quite naturally walked her to her hotel, neither of them seeming to mind that it wasn’t really within “walking distance”, just grateful for the extra time it gave them to talk and simply enjoy each other’s company. And when it got a little chilly, he gallantly took off is jacket and put it around her shoulders, along with a gentle hug and a rub to her arms that didn’t last nearly long enough.
They stopped a few times along the way, to look at something, or just gaze into each other’s eyes as they talked. Sometimes he even put his arm around her shoulders or waist and brought his face close to hers, as he pointed something out to her. Those moments were magical. There was no other word to describe them.
And when they reached her hotel, far too soon for her liking, there was a moment when he leaned in as if to kiss her, but she panicked and turned her head so that his warm and gentle lips landed on her cheek. Leonard, ever the gentleman, though, didn’t miss a beat, warmly thanking her for a lovely evening, wishing her a good night and asking if he would see her again in the park the next morning.
So, when she floated rather than walked to her room after returning his jacket and waving him off into the night, her full, racing heart was torn between excitement at seeing him again in only a few hours, and fear of having blown her chance of becoming more than just a shore leave acquaintance to him.
4. Adding Colour
Coffee had turned into dinner followed by an incredibly romantic walk, and even though he’d apparently misread her that first evening, McCoy was relieved that his misguided attempt at kissing her hadn’t ruined their budding friendship. Quite obviously he’d been out of the dating game too long, but Sandra had graciously overlooked his ungentlemanly faux-pas.
Now, three days later, it almost felt as if they’d known each other forever, and there was no question anymore, that they wanted to spend as much time together as they could. He’d have liked them to be even closer by now, of course. She was the most attractive woman he’d ever met, and he was only a man, after all. But even so, the way she made him feel when they were together, just talking and occasionally touching hands, was far beyond anything he’d ever hoped to feel again.
McCoy was just happy to be around her, trying his best to ignore the sparks igniting every time they touched, however briefly, or even just when she gazed at him with her big, soulful eyes. But since he was leaving for space again in a few days anyway, and she was far too precious to just be a shore-leave romance, he was simply grateful for every wonderful minute they had, thankful to have met her at all.
Besides, she seemed to have a lot of male friends, and she’d been talking very affectionately about this Dan guy in particular, so maybe keeping this strictly platonic was for the best. McCoy had never really been the jealous type, but he had a feeling that Sandra being a whole galaxy away could easily change that, if their relationship went beyond friendship.
x-x-x-x-x
After an early dinner of chicken sandwiches in a little café by the sea, Leonard had suggested an evening stroll along Coronado Beach, one of her favourite spots in San Diego, and possibly the most beautiful place on Earth. It certainly held some cherished memories, and she couldn't help imagining Leonard finally sweeping her into his arms for a breath-taking kiss there. Just as she felt they were meant to, and certainly a dream come true.
She couldn't really pinpoint what it was about him. What had her fall for him so fast and so completely. Incredible as it sounded, it had been love at first sight. And then a little more every day. With every look, every touch, everything he said or did. He was the kindest, gentlest, most fascinating man she’d ever met, and she couldn't even begin to describe what she felt gazing into those compassionate, mesmerising eyes, or even just being near him.
Standing or walking close to him, listening to his deep, rich voice and heart-stoppingly charming southern drawl, the way he admired her drawings, his gentle, genuine laughter at her jokes and puns, the sincerity of his interest in everything she had to say, filled her with a comforting, if unfamiliar, sense of confidence, a feeling of self-esteem she hadn’t known before.
She’d always been self-conscious and shy, feeling bland and boring, almost invisible, compared to most other women she knew. But she wasn’t invisible to Leonard. He saw her. In fact, he made her feel like the most attractive and interesting woman in the world. Being around him felt like basking in a warm sea of affection and, incredibly, even admiration.
He’d certainly had his fair share of personal drama, too. Far worse, in fact, than she’d experienced in her life. And the way he talked about his past, hiding the hurt behind dry humour and irony, he sometimes seemed almost flippant, but never bitter, just maybe careful and a little guarded. Through everything that had happened to him, he’d held on to his compassion and remained kind, warm, and caring.
But Leonard wasn’t just beautiful on the inside. He was stunningly gorgeous to behold, too. Not your typical, handsome boy, though. His was a more ragged kind of handsomeness that took her breath away every time she looked at him. A big part were those electric blue eyes, of course, but it was also his lopsided smile, his stance, his gait, even the hair on his arms, or poking out from under a V-neck, that were sexy in a way she couldn't even explain.
Just seeing his profile, or his back, even just the nape of his neck, or his full head of glossy hair, did the most disturbing things to her innards. Butterflies. Now she finally knew what people meant when they talked about them. And then, of course, there were his hands, their gentle tenderness, felt in every little touch, that had captured her even in her dazed state, when he’d first checked her for injuries that fateful morning in the park.
Oh, how she craved the touch of those magical, healing hands, how she longed to be held in those strong, hairy arms, to feel those gentle fingers rubbing her back, touching her face, those soft lips on hers instead of on her cheek. God, she was on fire. But she needed to put a halt to those thoughts before she did something stupid and made a complete fool of herself.
They were strolling hand in hand along the beach now, and she’d thought she’d die, her heart had been racing so fast, when he’d suddenly, almost casually, threaded his fingers through hers. Leonard was such a gentleman, so considerate in everything he did, and she very much appreciated that. But how could he not feel about her the way she felt about him? How could he not want her the way she wanted him?
“You’re such a gentleman, Leonard, and I really love that about you, but,” she blurted, stopping short when she realised what she was about to say.
“But?” he prompted softly, breaking his stride and turning towards her, gentle eyes fixed on hers and his fingers seeming to tighten their grip on her hand, as an almost naughty smile spread across his face.
“But I wish… I mean … Aren’t you attracted to me in that way at all?” he had her so flustered, she could barely speak.
“What way?” he took her other hand in his, too, and was openly grinning now, clearly delighting in teasing her a little, affection written all over his face.
But she couldn't find her voice, trembling with nerves, and anticipation, and insecurity, as he tenderly pulled her against him, bent down and brought his face close to hers, silently searching her eyes, waiting for a sign of consent.
“That way?” he breathed when she gave a small nod, and then his lips captured hers, caressing, exploring, and endlessly giving.
All she could do was cling on to him as she felt her knees go weak with longing, and disbelief, and excitement.
5. Finishing Touches
He knew it was beyond wrong, but he just couldn't hold back any longer. Sandra was everything he’d ever dreamed of and more. And now that he could see that she was as crazy about him as he was about her, he threw all caution to the wind, helpless to resist the urge to do what he’d been longing to from the very first moment.
And holy smokes! That woman, this almost timid girl who blushed so adorably at the smallest compliment, was one helluva kisser! Wrapping her arms around his waist, her incredible body moulding against his, she made him lose all rational thought. He just wanted, no, needed, to hold her, feel her, wrap himself around her, and lose himself in her warm and gentle presence that filled every space in his heart and did things to his groin that he seemed to have no control over.
Pulling back a bit, when they needed to come up for air, he caught her gaze, still a little doubtful, but clouded with the same desire he felt.
“Not attracted to you in that way?” he chuckled, shaking his head incredulously. “Are you kidding? I was practically going insane holding back every time we so much as touched. It took superhuman strength of will, not to be all over you right after our first dinner. And I can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now, holding your delicate body in my arms after this spectacular kiss.”
Sandra was shivering, albeit almost certainly not from cold, and he pulled her closer again, wrapping his arms around her, wanting her to feel safe and comfortable, even though he’d probably just overstepped a line. What had he done?
Burying his face in her soft hair, as he tightened his arms around her a little more, still processing the incredible sensation of holding her so close, he tried to explain, needing her to know exactly how he felt about her.
“It’s so much more than just physical desire, Sandra. I hope you know that. We’ve only just met, have been seeing each other for only a few days now, but you’ve already got under my skin and into my heart and my soul. Barely a week, and yet I’ve shared more about myself with you than I ever have with anyone before.”
He paused, distracted by her snuggling closer with a soft sigh.
“But I’m going back to space after the conference. That’s why I’ve been holding off. The only reason why. I tried to avoid getting in too deep, which is ridiculous, really, because I couldn't be in any deeper. However, I’m in the middle of a five-year deep space mission I’ve signed up for. And you’re an amazing woman! The last thing I’d want is for you to feel like just a shore leave romance. Because you mean so much more to me than that. You have no idea. What I’ve found with you is wonderful beyond words!”
He didn’t add that, for the first time, he thought he might heal emotionally after all. That with her, he felt he could actually allow himself to fall in love again without necessarily getting hurt. And he certainly didn’t add what had been on the tip of his tongue so many times in the past few days. Because it was way too soon to say it, even though he wanted to say it with all his heart.
I love you, Sandra!
Instead he pointed towards the sky and told her, “I’ll be out there for at least three more years, Sandra. That’s no way to start a relationship of any sorts, least the one I’d love for us to have. And I certainly couldn't expect you to wait for me that long.”
x-x-x-x-x
“But maybe I’d want to,” she said, when she’d finally found her voice again, reaching up to tenderly touch his face while still processing all the wonderful things he’d just said. “Because I feel exactly the same way about you, Leonard. I really think that we have something special here and I wouldn’t want to just throw it away. I’ve certainly never felt like this before.”
“Neither have I,” he murmured, drawing her in for another mind-blowing kiss, and she just melted into him, his inviting arms, his alluring body, his seductive lips.
“I don’t know where this is going, or if it’s going anywhere at all,” she said softly, turning around in his arms to watch the stunning sunset, her voice trembling with a yearning for something she couldn’t even clearly identify, “but I just couldn't live with myself, if we didn’t at least give it a chance. And who knows? I might consider giving space a try after all. Maybe even join Starfleet Sciences.”
“Or I might finally return to Earth, if I had someone to come home to,” Leonard whispered into her hair, the feeling of his hot breath on her neck sending shivers down her spine. “I have no idea where this is going to take us, either. All I know is that you are far more than a shore leave romance for me. I haven’t felt connected like this to anyone in … forever really.”
“See? Life’s full of options, let’s keep ours open for now,” she all but giggled, suddenly feeling bold and fearless, standing here, in her favourite spot in the whole world, watching a magnificent sunset with this amazing man straight out of her dreams, wonderfully protected in his strong and tender arms, wrapped in love and happiness and a future full of promise.
“I’d love that very much!” Leonard murmured, his voice even softer, his embrace even gentler now. And when he tenderly added, “You’re as precious as your art, Sandra. I’ve never met anyone more beautiful, inside or out!” she found that, maybe for the first time in her life, she actually felt beautiful.
A perfect moment, she thought, forever etched on my heart.
And it really was. So perfect, she felt she might burst with happiness. With her back snuggled against his chest, feeling all his love, and warmth, and kindness engulfing her, life seemed like a dream. A dream come true.
And when she suddenly noticed his growing desire pressing against the small of her back, and he nervously chuckled and drawled, “I hope you don’t get the wrong impression, I’m usually all for taking it slow, but we don’t have that luxury, do we? And I feel I really have to show you just how attracted I am to you in “that way” before I have to go back to the Enterprise,” she eagerly took his hand and pulled him along towards her hotel.
She didn’t remember ever wanting anyone more than she wanted Leonard, she just couldn’t get to feel him, all of him, soon enough. And when she woke up the next morning, turning towards the wonderful man still peacefully asleep beside her, even more adorable now with his tousled hair and content little smile, she gently touched his face to reassure herself that he was real, that she wasn’t still dreaming.
Last night had been amazing, mind-blowing, magical, out-of-this-world, a true revelation. It had certainly taught her that there were even more perfect moments than watching the sunset with Leonard McCoy. More perfect, in fact, than she could ever have imagined. The selfless tenderness he’d shown her, the intense pleasure he’d given her, were beyond anything she’d ever known.
And the thrill that ran through her still tingling body when Leonard’s eyes slowly blinked open, a thrill of excitement at what was lying ahead of her, not just this morning here in bed – although that was certainly going to be spectacular again, too – but a whole new, bright and promising future, was beyond words.
Only matched, perhaps, by Leonard’s delighted smile that spread across his handsome face and lit up his whole being, when he found himself waking up to Sandra’s loving face tenderly gazing down at him.
************
Disclaimer:
Nothing of or associated with Star Trek is mine – it all belongs to Paramount / ViacomCBS (or whoever else is currently holding the rights). This is a work of fanfiction, no infringement intended.
The Night Before Christmas (Or: Don’t Start Without Me!)
A Star Trek Fic
Fandoms: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (AOS)
Pairing: McCoy x Original Female Character (Dr. Jennifer Hope)
Characters: Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy, Jenny Hope
Rating/Warnings: Explicit (M)
Tags: Romance, Love, Smut and Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content
Word Count: 4,747
Read it on AO3: The Night Before Christmas
Summary:
This is a very private story Hope and McCoy decided to share after I received several requests expressing interest in their more intimate affairs. 😉
Or simply put: a (missing) Hope and McCoy smut scene.
(Although you don’t have to be familiar with my other Hope/McCoy stories to enjoy this little one-shot.)
A little present 🎁 for everyone who mourns the lack of smutty details in my other Hope/McCoy fics.
Merry Christmas! 🎄
And to all of you who don’t celebrate Christmas – don’t worry, it’s not what this story is really about. It’s basically just a ‘naughty’ Hope/McCoy chapter.
You have been warned. 🙈😅 Enjoy! ❤️
Jenny was trying to get comfortable in the bed that suddenly seemed far too big for her alone. She couldn't believe she was spending tonight without Leonard. Especially, since they hadn’t seen much of each other for the past two weeks, either, and the evening had begun so promising.
It was Christmas Eve, and after Jenny had helped putting the finishing touches on the decorations for the big party tomorrow, she and Leonard had shared a lovely festive dinner with their friends, who’d sent them ‘home’ early with knowing smirks and not so subtle remarks, after the captain and Uhura had unanimously decided that they’d had enough of watching them ‘shamelessly making out’ all evening.
The Enterprise crew had had a tough month, with lots of adventure and surprises, to put it mildly, and Leonard had practically been living in sickbay, while Jenny had also had her hands full between work and helping prepare for the big Christmas party that had become the annual highlight for everyone aboard. Even the crewmembers who didn’t actually celebrate Christmas, just because it was one of those lovely human traditions that reminded them of Earth, or Earth colonies, which were home to most of the crew.
After dinner, Jenny and Leonard had all but raced along the ship’s corridors, with Leonard using the time in the turbolift to wrap her in his loving arms and make the most thrilling promises about all the things he was going to do to her once they were back in their quarters.
“Don’t start without me,” he’d murmured suggestively in her ear, before slipping back out the door to quickly go get his PADD, which he had accidentally left in sickbay, making her soak her panties with just those few words in that incredibly sexy voice of his.
That had been more than two hours ago, as not even a minute after he’d gone, he’d called her on her comm to let her know that he’d arrived just in time for yet another emergency, the disappointment in his voice easily matching her own. Clearly, she hadn’t been the only one hardly able to contain herself anymore.
For some time, Jenny had tried to distract herself by getting ready for his return. Tarting herself up, as her grandmother would have called it, indulging in a real water shower and slipping on the Christmassy underwear Nyota had talked her into buying during a recent starbase shopping spree. A silky shirt and matching panties that were sure to bring out the tiger in Leonard.
Then she’d made herself some tea and settled down on the couch with her PADD to read for a while, but soon found that there wasn’t much fun in wearing a seductive outfit without Leonard around to appreciate it. Particularly as, with his soft drawl and all the enticing promises still fresh in her ear, if anything, her arousal had only grown since he’d walked out the door.
So, with a sympathetic sigh, knowing that the poor doctor didn’t have that luxury and was, by now, most likely totally focused on whatever medical emergency had arisen, Jenny slid under the covers, closed her eyes, and conjured up his sweet, handsome face. Sex was certainly not what their love was built on, but she couldn't deny that making love to him had become a sweet addiction, and that they both got kind of restless and on edge if it had been too long. Which it definitely had.
Making love to Leonard was wonderful beyond description. Gentle and hot, tender and exciting, comforting and fulfilling. He was everything a woman could wish for, and he was all hers. He’d also been the first to show her how enjoyable physical love could be, tenderly and patiently guiding and teaching her, and it had become even better ever since.
The devotion with which he ‘worshipped her body’, as he called it, knowing exactly where and how she loved to be touched most, yet always searching for new ways to pleasure her, got her all flustered just thinking about. Not to mention the way he responded to her touches, making pleasuring him at least as rewarding as letting him drive her to ecstatic heights with his incredibly nimble fingers, lips and tongue.
Smiling to herself, Jenny thought how they’d still be ‘at it’ when they were both old and grey. She couldn't imagine a day when she wouldn’t find the doctor hot and wildly attractive anymore. One of his slow smiles, an almost indiscernible wink, or the gentle sound of his voice saying her name were all she needed to make her go weak in the knees.
Unnoticed, Jenny’s hand had found its way inside her panties, looking to ease the heat that thoughts of Leonard never failed to spark. She hadn’t wanted to ‘start without him’, but now she found she just couldn't stop. Gently writhing and slowly rolling her hips under the touch of her own fingers, she imagined Leonard expertly bringing her to the brink. But no matter how hard she tried, there was no way she could draw out her pleasure and tease herself as skilfully as he could. Instead, she was tumbling over the edge almost instantly.
Tensing up, Jenny came with a low moan, unable to pull her fingers away just yet, as the short relief immediately turned into desperate need again. Leonard always teased her about how, once he got her going, she just couldn't seem to get enough, taking great pleasure in the fact. And just picturing his enraptured gaze as he took her from one orgasm to another, made her climax again. And again. Until her fingers were too wet to apply enough friction, helplessly slipping around inside her drenched panties, and Jenny fell asleep, completely drained.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Tired and disappointed to have missed out on what had promised to become his best ‘Night Before Christmas’ yet, McCoy quietly slipped into his quarters to the titillating sight of his darling Hope fast asleep, bedcovers kicked aside, fingers wedged inside her panties, leaving no doubt about what she’d been up to before falling asleep and kindling instant desire in him.
Of course, he knew that women did that all the time. He was a doctor, dammit! And he’d been a lover before Hope was even born. Or would have been born, if she hadn’t already been born three centuries ago. God, the sight made him lose all power of coherent thought, while the bulge in his pants was threatening to burst through the material. And, of course, he’d fantasised about her doing it while thinking of him long before they’d become lovers. But Hope actually lying here like this, a breath-taking picture of silky red and lacy/fluffy white, cheeks still flushed a rosy pink from exertion, was by far the hottest thing he’d ever seen.
Picturing her in the act of pleasuring herself, McCoy didn’t doubt for a minute that she’d been thinking about him. He knew only too well that it had been him who’d taught her the physical pleasures of love in the first place. A fact she loved to remind him about frequently. And he could never get tired of hearing her tell him how, that first time, he’d made her feel pleasure like she’d never known before, and how, ever since, she’d been helpless to resist his touch, a single finger, or the simple flick of his tongue, enough to drive her crazy with desire.
Oh, how he longed to hear her tell him that now. In fact, he longed for much more than just that. What he really wanted, was to know exactly what she’d been thinking about. What she’d imagined him doing to her. Details of what she loved and enjoyed most. How she’d brought herself to orgasm. And how often. And, not least, what had aroused her so much it had caused her to touch herself to begin with.
Hope wasn’t big on dirty talk, or even on telling him what she liked or would like him to do. She just didn’t feel comfortable with it, happy to let him do all the talking. But she had a million other ways of showing him how she enjoyed his ministrations, that he’d come to appreciate at least as much. He could certainly never get enough of her little moans and gasps, or the way her body trembled and pressed against him with need and pleasure.
After quietly taking off his clothes and a quick trip to the bathroom, McCoy slid into bed next to Hope, stark naked, leaving the lights on low, so he could still enjoy her beauty and her incredibly hot outfit. She certainly knew how to turn him on beyond measure. It took all his self-control not to wake her, his desire almost getting the better of him. But looking at her relaxed and serene face, so peacefully asleep, he settled for taking matters into his own hands, literally. Imagining the things Hope might have done and thought about while he’d been tied up in sickbay.
He’d barely started touching himself, shivering as he ran his thumb lightly over the already slick tip of his erection, when his gaze fell on Hope’s hand still caught inside her panties, the naughty sweetness of it nearly killing him. This was his Hope, the light and love of his life, the wonderful woman who’d chosen to spend the rest of her days with him, and who never ceased to amaze and surprise him. Or arouse him. And that was the moment he decided that, with it being Christmas and all, it was practically his duty to wake her and show her how much better he could finish what she’d begun on her own.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Jenny woke to the feeling of soft lips covering her face in little kisses, and the gentle touch of familiar fingers on her skin, lovingly caressing her hips and belly. Noticing with a start that her own fingers were still trapped in her panties, she felt herself blush furiously, totally embarrassed to have been caught ‘in the act’. But when she tried to pull her hand out, Leonard’s bigger one quickly gripped hers, keeping it in place.
“Don’t take your hand away, love,” he murmured, his voice thick with desire, “I want you to keep it right there. To show me what you did. How you touched yourself. I want to watch you pleasuring yourself and maybe learn something new about you.”
She must have blushed even more at that, because Leonard pressed a gentle kiss on her lips and said with a smirk, “Don’t be shy, love! No need to be embarrassed! It’s really quite flattering to think that I left you so horny you couldn't wait. Finding you like this certainly made me so hard I briefly thought about following your example. And I’m not even talking about your stunning outfit, although I’m pretty sure there’s a law against wearing such a slinky little thing. But then I decided I’d rather wake you after all.”
“I’m glad you did,” Jenny smiled at the doctor, blinking the sleepiness away.
She was already incredibly turned on again just listening to his words, yet couldn't help feeling shy about touching herself in front of Leonard, even though it was perfectly clear how much the idea excited him. Just like she could never really bring herself to talk dirty to him, despite understanding why he’d love her to, seeing what his dirty talk unfailingly did to her.
So, deciding to humour him when he let go of her hand, Jenny gingerly started to draw little circles with her fingers inside her panties, unable to suppress a low moan as she noticed how wet she’d already become again, and eliciting a not so subtle groan from the doctor, who pressed a hot kiss on her lips before returning his lustful gaze to her nether regions.
“Don’t hold back, love,” he purred, gently stroking her thigh and rolling his hips in obvious arousal. “Show me how you make yourself feel good!”
Emboldened by how much Leonard was enjoying this, Jenny began to rub herself in earnest, her breath getting more erratic and her own hips starting to roll in time with her circling fingers, the doctor’s soft moans and encouraging words spurring her on.
“That’s it, love,” he murmured close to her ear, sounding a little breathless, “just let yourself go. Feels so good, doesn’t it? Your fingers going exactly where you need them, touching you just right.”
Leonard talking like that, fuelling her desire like only he could, was too much. Jenny forgot all about her inhibitions, bucking her hips and letting out a soft yelp as she came by her own fingers under the doctor’s mesmerised gaze, his hand sliding under her shirt and tenderly caressing her breasts, as she came off her high, gasping and trying to get her breathing back to normal.
“Do you do this often?” he asked softly, his eyes gleaming and his breath hot on her face, as his hand slid down her belly until it gently covered hers, still preventing it to pull out of her panties.
“I did, before we became lovers,” she confessed reluctantly, suddenly feeling shy again.
“And when you did, what were you fantasising about?”
The question alone was enough to set Jenny on fire again. Add Leonard’s bedroom voice, and she was helpless to keep her fingers from starting to move anew.
“About you, Leonard! Who else?” she sighed longingly, losing herself in his soulful eyes. “About you holding and kissing me.”
“Just holding and kissing, huh?” Leonard chuckled affectionately, brushing a tender, almost chaste kiss on her temple. “And that got you going?”
“Actually, it did!” Jenny blustered, momentarily distracted by the doctor’s undisguised mirth, her fingers losing their rhythm.
Leonard pressed another – less chaste – kiss on her lips, and, chuckling to himself once more, gently pushed her fingers aside.
“I’m taking over, love,” he smiled softly, and a moment later, Jenny’s whole body was on fire with unbridled desire.
-x-x-x-x-x-
“Oh my God!” Hope cried out, her body writhing under McCoy’s touch. “It’s so much better when you do it!”
The doctor felt a hot surge of pure lust ripple through him, thrilled by her keen response.
“Tell me, love, what exactly makes it so much better?” he tried to cajole her into a little dirty-talk after all, keeping his touches extra light, knowing perfectly well how that was driving her crazy.
“I just can’t last as long without you,” she confessed sheepishly, blushing adorably and drawing in a sharp breath every time he gently tapped her swollen nub. “I can’t help giving in to my need, where you would still endlessly torment me.”
“So, you love it when I tease you?” he probed, enjoying every word of this stimulating conversation. “When my touch is deliberately light and slow? Like this?”
Hope just nodded, groaning at his ‘demonstration’, his fingers easily gliding through the delicious wetness. It never ceased to amaze and delight him how responsive she was to every little one of his touches.
“When you’re begging me to let you come, you actually want me to keep you on the edge?”
“No! Please!” she cried, her thighs clamping around his hand, desperate for more friction.
“But I think you do,” McCoy kept on teasing her, knowing her well enough to see that she was already incredibly close and wondering how much longer he could still keep his own arousal at bay. “Why? Because it makes release infinitely sweeter the longer you’re denied?”
“You’re cruel!” Hope gritted out, bucking wildly against his hand now, her fingers scrabbling around the bedsheets for purchase.
“Maybe I am,” he whispered, starting to kiss her neck and nibble her ear, taking full advantage of knowing her body so well. “Or maybe I just want you to experience unprecedented pleasure.”
Hope was groping for McCoy’s hand now, getting hold of his wrist and gripping it hard. She always did this when his teasing got too much for her, and it never failed to amuse him how she really thought she was strong enough to force his hand into applying more pressure.
“But then again, perhaps I simply love having this power over your lust, over your body,” he grinned wickedly, enjoying nothing more than driving Hope to the heights of ecstasy, before going for the clincher, anticipating the exact effect his next words would have on her. “And, of course, you need to be punished for starting without me.”
That did it. That, and the skilled touch of a finger that, after months of experience and practice, had come to know Hope’s body inside out.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Jenny hurtled over the edge into free fall, exploding into a million shards of pleasure, only realising the noise she was making when Leonard sealed her lips with a passionate kiss in an attempt to muffle her sounds of ecstasy the way he did every time after making her lose control, always a great source of amusement to him.
Admittedly, virtually every orgasm the doctor gave her felt like the best ever, but this time, Jenny was fairly sure it was true. She’d definitely come harder than she had ever before. And a second and third time, before the first climax had even subsided. It felt like getting caught in an endless stream of intense pleasure, the smug grin on Leonard’s face proof of how well he knew what he was doing to her, and how much he enjoyed it.
“My insatiable girl,” he smiled tenderly, brushing damp strands of hair from her flushed face, love and lust blending together in his beautiful eyes. “You have no idea how gorgeous you are. Or how hot it is to see you like this. And how exciting to know that I did this. That I can make you feel like this. That I can tease you to my heart’s content and make you feel pleasure almost too much for you to handle.”
Always staying humble, incredulous almost, despite being this amazing lover, was one of Leonard’s most endearing qualities.
“Just be careful it doesn’t get you more excited than you can handle,” Jenny giggled as soon as she’d caught her breath again.
And still high from her incredible flight of ecstasy, she gently took hold of Leonard’s pulsing erection, finding it rock-hard and fit to burst, and almost made him come at the first touch.
“Jesus! What are you doing to me young lady?” he groaned, and Jenny was thrilled to see that he had to squeeze his eyes shut in concentration to stave off his own imminent orgasm. “Go easy on an old man’s heart!”
“Too late, old man,” she laughed, enjoying being the one in charge for a change, giving his shaft a few firm strokes while lightly running the fingers of her other hand over his crown, teasing his slit and rim, and revelling in the groans, and grunts, and gasps, that her ministrations coaxed out of him, his whole body twitching and jolting with desperate, urgent need. “You brought this on yourself, Doctor! It’s time you got a good taste of your own medicine!”
Watching him come apart at the touch of her hands, Jenny’s heart was brimming over with tender love for the man who’d thrown himself into making this the night of her life, as if he hadn’t just spent exhausting hours in sickbay, dealing with whatever emergency had come up this time. Judging from his playful mood, she could at least be sure that everyone was all right again. She’d ask him all about it later, but for now she had another goal to accomplish. And that was to give him as much pleasure and satisfaction as she possibly could. He’d definitely more than earned it tonight.
Applying all the skills she’d acquired over time, having had months of exploring Leonard’s body and desires, she went on stroking and teasing, alternating between firm and light touches, one hand taking care of his throbbing erection, while the other gently played with his balls. The whole time, her eyes never left the doctor’s handsome face, adorably scrunched up with unbridled lust now, as he was lost in sweet, unbearable pleasure, visibly torn between needing to come so badly and never wanting the feeling to stop.
“I love you, Leonard!” Jenny whispered, leaning over to softly trail her lips from his cheekbone down to his jaw, making him shiver with need, and want, and longing.
“God, Jenny, I love you, too,” he sighed, his lips capturing hers in a deep kiss, and his hand slipping inside her panties again.
“Teasing me makes you even wetter it seems,” Leonard groaned, thrusting hard into Jenny’s hand a couple more times before pushing away abruptly and going down on her before she even knew what was happening.
“Oh my God you’ve never tasted better,” he mumbled, his mouth pressed against her core after having made quick work of her panties, and Jenny thought she might pass out from the intense desire he was arousing in her once more.
She started to grind against his face, so close again already, but the doctor easily pinned her hips down with his strong hands, thus putting a stop to her movements.
“I want to drink every last delicious drop of your juices, love,” he positively growled, “before I give you what you so desperately crave. But I promise you won’t regret it.”
And true to his word, after putting her through what felt like endless, overwhelming need, his lips, tongue, and even his teeth teasing her in every possibly way, he sent her higher than she’d ever been before, making one orgasm spill into the next, his mouth never leaving her most sensitive parts, humming and moaning as if he were indulging in the most deliciously tasting dessert.
Once again, Jenny couldn't help but admire how much control over his own body Leonard showed when it came to pleasuring her, patiently stroking, and caressing, and nibbling, and licking her through all of her orgasms and beyond, not stopping until she’d come back down from her incredible high, breathing hard and shivering with exhaustion.
As soon as he was sure that she was truly satisfied, however, he didn’t waste another moment before finally acting on his own raging need, sliding up her body in one swift move to kiss her mouth hungrily and bury himself deep inside her with a single thrust, knowing that she was wet enough to easily take him.
And, unable to maintain control over his lust any longer, Leonard came after only a few more thrusts with an almighty groan, a soft curse, and a completely misguided apology. A sad hang-up from his time with Jocelyn, that still needed a lot more of Jenny’s gentle reassurances and healing love to help him finally overcome it.
Having learned how to draw out Leonard’s pleasure, Jenny clenched around his length, still buried deep inside her, eliciting more moans and gentle swearing from him, and making him throw back his head one last time before finally collapsing on top of her, breathless and drained, barely able to keep his weight off her.
“God almighty, you’re something else young lady,” he panted, the tender contentment in his eyes melting her heart. “I should really know by now that teasing you always backfires.”
Jenny laughed delightedly, wrapping her arms tightly around him and rolling them over on their sides. She didn’t mind his weight at all, in fact, enjoyed feeling him blanketing her. He wasn’t a heavy man. But she knew that he was always afraid to crush her and couldn’t really relax like that.
“This was amazing, Leonard!” she sighed, shifting even closer and nestling tightly into his arms. “But even so, I think I prefer you not being called away, so that we can ‘start together’.”
“I’m absolutely with you there, love,” he chuckled, “even though every night with you is amazing, no matter how we start or what we do. I sure am the luckiest man alive.”
“Just as I am the luckiest woman alive,” Jenny replied, gazing deeply into his eyes to make him see how sincere she was.
-x-x-x-x-x-
And McCoy knew that she really meant it. That was the best part of loving Hope. She didn’t play games. Not power games, and not any other kind. She was always straightforward. Genuine and sincere through and through. With her, you got exactly what you saw. At least he did. Maybe she could still fool someone who didn’t know her so well. She did have a tendency to hide her troubles behind her cheerful personality, after all.
But he could usually tell, if she was truly happy or not, and she’d more or less given up on trying to pretend with him, accepting that he’d much rather worry about her than find out too late that he hadn’t been there for her when she’d needed him. And he could always be sure that when she said she liked something, she really did. And when she was angry with him, or disappointed, she’d just say so, too. Simple as that. Being with her was just so easy. He’d never been so comfortable in a relationship before. Or so happy. Or so in love.
That didn’t mean she didn’t stress him, of course. In fact, aside from being his sunshine and the joy of his life, she was also a nearly constant source of worry for him, almost as bad as Jim in attracting danger. Or strange blows of fate. But it was all worth it. She was worth it. He’d gladly take on all the worrying in the world, if it meant having her love.
Because Hope’s love, boundless and unconditional, was one of the few certainties in his life. The one thing he had complete and utter faith in and knew he could always depend upon. Whatever she saw in him, he’d given up trying to understand, simply accepting that she believed him to be worthy of her affections and had given him her heart to hold and take care of.
McCoy might be afraid of losing her, considering all the dangers that came with living and working in space, but never of losing her love. And he’d certainly never stop doing everything in his power to make her, if not the luckiest, then hopefully the happiest woman alive.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Jenny watched Leonard’s eyes grow soft, as he let his loving gaze roam all over her body. She knew that look well. He always had it when she paid him a compliment or told him how much she loved him. Especially after they’d just made love. It was a look of blissful happiness mixed with wonder, and it never failed to tug at her heartstrings.
Leonard was every woman’s dream, in and out of the bedroom. And while he was confident enough as a doctor and scientist, and also as a lover, she knew that he still felt undeserving when it came to being loved. Jocelyn really had a lot to answer for, and Jenny was glad that she had a whole lifetime to convince Leonard of his own worth. To make him see what an amazing man he really was.
His gaze finally returning to her face after having lingered on her Christmas outfit for a considerable amount of time, Jenny saw a naughty grin spread across the doctor’s face.
“Tonight has turned out amazing after all, love, hasn’t it?” he smiled, kissing her tenderly on the lips. “But knowing you as I do, we’re not done yet.”
The mischievous grin on his face grew even wider, as his fingers started toying with the hem of her silky shirt and slowly making their way further down from there.
“I’m exhausted, Leonard!” Jenny laughed, trying to brush his hand away.
“I’m afraid I’ll have to check that myself. I can’t just take your word for it!” he replied in his no-nonsense CMO voice, before adding in a softer tone, “You are my insatiable girl after all, and I’m sure you’ll understand that, as your doctor, I couldn't afford to be negligent in my duties!”
“Believe me, Leonard,” Jenny giggled, as the doctor’s fingers gently probed between her thighs, and he broke into a knowing smile, “I’m totally spent! You made sure of that only a minute ago, remember? I couldn’t even ... ah ... oh my God!”
************
Disclaimer:
Nothing of or associated with Star Trek is mine – it all belongs to Paramount / ViacomCBS (or whoever else is currently holding the rights). This is a work of fanfiction, no infringement intended.
any chance of a third hope/mccoy book? been dying to know what happens after we found out her story!! ❤️❤️🥰🥰
Thank you so much for asking! 🙏❤️
Yes, there’s definitely more to come! I’ve got so much more in store for Hope and McCoy, and Part 3 is in the works. (Actually has been since long before I finished Another Life.)
But instead of sorting through my million notes and scenes and dialogues, and getting them into proper, chronological order, I seem to keep adding new ones, haphazardly storing them on my phone, my computer, or whatever else I have at my fingertips.
Anyway, I’m really sorry to keep you waiting. Like probably everyone else, I never expected for this blasted pandemic to take over my whole life, with hardly a minute to spare on writing. But between homeschooling and investing an incredible amount of time and effort into turning my business into a temporarily online one, I can really only interact with Hope and McCoy in my dreams at the moment.
I’m confident, however, that life will get easier and back to some kind of normal soon, so please bear with me a little longer.
And thank you so much again for still thinking about Hope and McCoy, and for being curious about my favourite couple‘s future adventures! ❤️💙
Fandoms: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (AOS)
Pairing: McCoy x Original Female Character (Dr. Jennifer Hope)
Characters: The Crew of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)
Rating/Warnings: None
Tags: Romance, Friendship, Love, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Angst/H/C, Caring/Protective/Tender/Comforting/Happy/Grumpy/Worried McCoy
Word Count: This is a long one. Again. 😄 (71 chapters - 177k)
Read it on AO3: Another Life
Chapter 71
Jenny opened her eyes, blinking leisurely in the dark and brushing a few strands of tousled hair from her face. Her dream was fading fast, gone before she had a chance to hang on to it, but at least she was sure that it hadn’t been a nightmare. And surprisingly, for the first time in quite a while, she actually felt rested. Or maybe not so surprisingly at all. She’d wanted the truth, she’d got the truth, albeit a rather devastating one. But at least it had put an end to all the guessing, the uncertainty. Anything was better than not knowing what was happening to her and why, even though the answers she’d longed for seemed to be raising even more questions.
Leonard’s warm hand was resting protectively on her hip, and, sighing contentedly, she carefully turned towards him, sensing the soft expression on his face rather than making it out, as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Tenderly regarding the doctor’s face, as he puffed out gentle snores, obviously exhausted but seeming content to be lying next to her, her initial feeling of guilt over having pushed him away and kept him from his own bed last evening gradually gave way to grateful love so intense, it brought tears to her eyes.
All of a sudden, what had seemed so overwhelming and scary yesterday, didn’t seem all that daunting anymore. True, she might not be who she’d thought she was. But Leonard had been right. If she stopped to think about it, she didn’t really feel any different at all. No different from the way she had ever since waking up in this century. Or even only just a day ago. The only difference was that she knew the truth about herself now. But other than that, she still felt exactly the same. Real, solid, human in every way.
Whatever had happened to her, whoever she’d been before, fact was that she’d suddenly found herself in the 23rdcentury with no choice but to start over. She’d been forced to build a completely new life for herself, and, thankfully, it had turned out wonderful. Despite having had to catch up on a few hundred years, she’d achieved good qualifications, had already made a name for herself in her chosen field of linguistics, and her Starfleet career was progressing nicely, too. She’d even been cleared for starship duty despite her shortcomings.
And as for her private life, that simply couldn't be any better. She’d made wonderful friends in this century, found a new home on the Enterprise, and, most amazingly by far, she’d found love. True, unconditional love. The kind she’d always thought existed only in books and movies. Until Leonard had shown her that it could happen in real life, too. Proving it to her in a million ways, day after day.
She might not yet remember much about her ‘other’ life, assuming the memories she was only just regaining were hers – Jenny still wasn’t clear about that. But she was absolutely sure that neither she nor her alter ego had ever been happier than she was now with this precious gem of a man by her side.
Just as she was about to wipe a few emotional tears from her face, strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her into the warmest hug.
“How’re you feeling, love?” Leonard murmured in her ear, his voice deep and gravelly from sleep, and she felt a thrill, realising how lucky she was to get to hear him like this.
“Hungry,” was the first thing that came to mind, and it was true.
The doctor’s chest rumbled with a chuckle in response, as he craned his neck to look at the time.
“It’s the middle of the night,” he laughed, nuzzling her hair and ordering the lights on. “But how about those sandwiches now?”
Jenny nodded eagerly, lifting her head to look into Leonard’s eyes, which were still a little unfocused from only just having woken up, and immediately lost herself in their softness and warmth, revealing his joy at finding her feeling better again.
“You look well-rested, love,” Leonard smiled, tenderly running his fingers through her hair.
“I am,” she confirmed, beaming at him, then softly added, “But only because someone kindly decided to come to bed and hold me through all my strange dreams, even though I turned him away earlier tonight.”
“I couldn’t have stayed away any longer,” the doctor sighed, gently cupping her cheeks in his hands and gazing deep into her eyes.
“I’m sorry I made you,” Jenny whispered, guiltily burying her face in his neck.
“Don’t be,” Leonard murmured, tenderly ruffling her hair. “You needed space. That’s perfectly normal in your situation. You have to find your own way of dealing with this. I’ll support whatever you feel is right for you.”
“Thank you,” she breathed, her heart brimming over at his infinite kindness and understanding. “You know, sometimes I really think you have a better idea of what I need than I do!”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” the doctor chuckled, clasping her tightly to him, “but I do know that you need tons of hugs and tender touch, and I happen to have loads to give.”
-x-x-x-x-x-
Releasing her from his embrace when she started to giggle and wheeze exaggeratedly, McCoy sat up and grudgingly swung his legs out of bed. He felt like he’d only just fallen asleep, but finding Hope so chipper, he saw his chance to talk to her about Section 31.
While Hope busied herself making coffee, the doctor took all the ingredients he needed from the small stasis unit and set about fixing the promised sandwiches. He’d never bothered with food in his quarters in the past, always eating in the mess or, if there was no time, making do with a little snack in his office. But ever since Hope had moved in, he’d taken to keeping a small stash of supplies just in case. With her poor eating habits, he wanted to be prepared to feed her whenever he got the chance. Like right now, in the middle of the night.
Fondly shaking his head, he reached out for her and roped her into his arms until she was flush against him, smiling up at him with a questioning gaze.
Talk about having one’s life turned upside down, he thought affectionately.
Hope was certainly not the only one. His life had been turned upside down the moment he’d laid eyes on her, and he’d loved every minute since.
“How can you still love me just the same after finding out I’m not ... me?” she asked softly, looking him straight in the eye.
“How could I not?” he countered, his heart clenching at the question. “Besides, to me you are still you! Amazing, wonderful you. Whoever you might or might not have been before, you’re still exactly the same woman I met and fell in love with. And contrary to your belief that you’re suddenly only half a person, or lacking in something, or whatever it feels like for you, I can only keep assuring you that you are as complete, as whole, as real as anyone could possibly be. And I know that for a fact, as your doctor and as your friend.”
Hope wasn’t really questioning his love, they both knew that. But right now, she needed to hear all those reassurances over and over again, and, of course, he was more than happy to oblige.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound like a broken record,” she apologised sheepishly, and McCoy filed the curious expression away to follow up later, used to her employing the strangest metaphors by now, “but those same questions are going to bother me for a while longer, I fear.”
“I know, love”, he replied gently, tightening his arms around her and kissing the tip of her nose. “And anything else would really have me worried, believe me. But you’ll always have me to talk to and reassure you. And I’ll certainly never stop reminding you how wonderful you are, and how much I love you.”
The doctor turned back to his sandwiches, and Hope took their coffees over to the couch, curling up comfortably and wrapping herself in her favourite fleecy robe, a far too big, fluffy cloud of little stars and planets. It had originally been his, a present from Joanna when she was still a little girl, but Hope had more or less appropriated it for herself and, admittedly, looked adorable in it.
“So, you’re feeling more like yourself again,” McCoy said lightly, setting down the plates on the coffee table and collapsing onto the couch next to her. “It’s good to see the colour back in your cheeks, and the light back in your eyes!”
Hope’s gaze drifted off into the distance for a moment, and he was almost afraid he’d said something wrong, but then her lips curled into a smile, and she looked up at him with the warmest expression on her face.
“Actually, I’m feeling terrific,” she beamed at him, “because I’ve realised that all these weird … accidents turned out to be the best thing that could ever have happened to me.”
“Oh? How’s that?” the doctor asked, smiling at her sudden euphoria, even as he mentally prepared himself for the next kick in the teeth, aware that mood swings were typical of the post-traumatic recovery process and setbacks were inevitable.
“Because they brought me to you,” she explained solemnly, snuggling against him. “To find love I never even knew existed before I met you. If there’s any reason for what I went through, any sense in what happened to me at all, it was for you and me to meet.”
“I’m awfully sorry for everything you had to go through, love,” he replied softly, ignoring the lump in his throat. “And I’m heartbroken over the fact that I wasn’t there when you needed me most. But I confess I’m also eternally grateful to fate for bringing you to me. I’d given up on love long before you even woke up in this century, and I certainly never expected to be so blissfully happy one day.”
“Me neither,” Hope mumbled contentedly into his chest. “And I’ll try to keep that in mind when I’m tempted to bemoan my fate the next time I’m faced with new memories – or truths.”
“And I’ll be there to help you through them all,” McCoy promised, choking up a little and hoping she wouldn’t notice. “You’ll never have to face anything on your own again.”
They didn’t move or talk for a couple of minutes, just holding each other and revelling in the warmth and tenderness between them, until Hope finally pulled away, sitting up straight to take a sip of her coffee.
“We wouldn’t want to let those delicious sandwiches go to waste, now, would we?” she smiled, batting her eyelashes at him. “Handmade by the ship’s CMO, no less!”
“We certainly wouldn’t want that!” he agreed, raising a mock-appalled eyebrow and smiling widely before taking a huge bite from his sandwich at the same time she did.
His heart filled with joy at seeing her cheerful self shining through again, if only just temporarily. This was too big for even her to bounce back from right away. They still had a long way to go. But Hope wouldn’t be Hope, if she weren’t fighting to recover her equilibrium as quickly as possible. Positivity was her driving force. Being happy and, above all, spreading happiness were second nature to her, and one of the many reasons why he loved and admired her so much.
And sure enough, the doctor felt a tremendous wave of happiness surge through him, just watching her tuck into her sandwich with gusto. Like so often before, the sheer intensity of the tenderness he felt for this woman took his breath away. And he wanted to hold on to the feeling forever. It was pure magic. Hope was.
A few breadcrumbs had got caught in her hair, and McCoy reached out to flick them away, letting his hand linger a moment to caress her face and enjoy the way she instantly leaned into his touch. Like she always did, he thought fondly. And just like she’d already instinctively done during her very first physical, capturing his heart from the word go.
When he dropped his hand back to his knee, Hope covered it with hers, softly running her thumb across his knuckles and gazing at his fingers for the longest time, completely lost in thought.
“What’s on your mind, love?” he asked after a while, gently squeezing her fingers to get her attention. “Anything you’d like to share?”
“Oh, I was just thinking how much I love your hands,” she smiled, her eyes still glued to his fingers. “Your beautiful, comforting, healing hands. So strong and steady, so soft and gentle. So tender, so skilled, so giving.”
The doctor listened, mesmerised, looking at his hands and trying to see them through her eyes. Only Hope would come up with something like this, of course, but knowing how she thrived on touch, it wasn’t actually that surprising, and immediately filled him with a strong desire to put those hands to good use and give her all the comfort and tender love she craved.
-x-x-x-x-x-
When Jenny finally tore her eyes away from Leonard’s hands, she caught him gazing at her with this mixture of tender adoration and poorly disguised worry, that immediately told her he wanted to discuss something and didn’t know how to broach the subject.
“What is it, Leonard?” she asked, leaning in for a kiss. “What are you so desperate to tell me?”
He tried to look surprised for a moment, but quickly decided that there was no use pretending. She knew him too well.
“Nothing gets by you, does it?” he chuckled, pressing a gentle kiss on her lips.
“Go on, then!” Jenny smiled encouragingly. “I’ve just had a delicious sandwich, and there’s still coffee in my cup. If you’re going to hit me with yet more disturbing news, I’m ready as I’ll ever be!”
“No more ‘news’, love,” the doctor was quick to assure her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you again. But there’s something else we need to address. Section 31. I’m not sure you realise how important it is that we keep your newly found memories between us.”
Ah, that.
“Don’t worry,” she gave him a reassuring look, “I’m aware that Section 31 wouldn’t be happy for me to draw attention to them or the way they ‘handle’ things.”
Leonard didn’t seem satisfied with her reaction. Leaning forward, he gripped both of her shoulders and brought his face close to hers, his gaze as serious and intent as she’d ever seen him.
“Listen Jenny,” he said imploringly, “this is important! You mustn’t talk about those memories to anyone. Do you understand? Not to Nyota, not to Pavel, or Christine or Scotty. No one other than Jim, Spock and myself. Talk to me as much and as often as you want to. Or need to. Share every little detail of every new memory with me. I’ll love it! Talk to Jim and Spock anytime. Hell, meld with Spock, if it helps, but don’t involve anyone else. I’m afraid you’ll also have to do with me as your therapist in this.”
Jenny looked at him mildly, incredibly touched by his concern and fierce protectiveness that never failed to bring home just how deep and unswerving his love was.
“I know you think I’m exaggerating because I’m an old worrywart,” the doctor went on with a sigh, sitting back and running a distracted hand through his hair. “And because you want to be carefree again after all this time. It’s perfectly understandable, and I really wish you could. Nothing would make me happier. But please, love, please believe me that this is serious. Please don’t take it lightly. Promise me!”
“Are you done now?” Jenny asked softly, resting her hands reassuringly on his arms. “Of course, I promise, Leonard! I may be inclined to see opportunities where you see danger, but I’m not stupid. I heard what you said, and I get it. I wish I could take all your worries away, and I hate that I’m the cause of so many of them in the first place, but my being careless in this matter is one concern you don’t need to have. And for the record, I might not always share your fears, but I always, always take them seriously.”
She shuffled a little closer and took his face between her hands, wanting him to see the sincerity in her eyes.
“And right now, seeing you so tense and beside yourself with worry for me, I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more.”
The words, meant to soothe and reassure Leonard, were barely out, when Jenny broke down in his arms, her own emotions finally getting the better of her. Clinging to him like to a lifeline as he caught her, grateful to feel his strong, loving arms closing tightly around her, she couldn’t stop the big, heavy tears from falling, that were suddenly flooding her eyes.
It wasn’t fear, that finally made her crumble, or sadness, or even anger. She simply felt overwhelmed. Not just by the events and emotions of the past 24 hours. But also by those of the days before. Weeks, even, if she counted all those broken nights with their recurring nightmares. Overwhelmed as much by having her life, her whole existence, called into question, as by all the incredible love, support, and kindness she’d been experiencing.
Leonard’s arms were wrapped tightly around her, his whole body enfolding her, sheltering her, and she could feel him shaking. Was he crying, too? Or was that just her, shaking with long, racking sobs? She couldn't tell, and it didn’t matter. They were one. Her tears were his tears. His fears were her fears. It felt as if they were melting into each other. Not a mind meld, but an emotional one. Never before had she felt so close to anyone. So connected. So loved. So whole.
Epilogue
“The captain and I might have found a way to take Lt. Hope back to the past and reintegrate her. I have discovered an anomaly in the space-time continuum, headed for Earth right now, that should help us accomplish that. However, the opportunity will not present itself again within the next 20 years, and given that …”
“What he means to say, Bones, is that this might be our only chance for a long time to do this. I’m sorry, I know it’s very soon, but before we investigate the possibility any further and include Scotty, because we couldn't do it without him, we need to know if she, if you, would even want us to go ahead.”
“As you know, Doctor, the situation is in no way comparable to the captain’s predicament after beaming back from planet Alpha 177.1) Quite obviously, there is no immediate danger for Hope. She is a complete and healthy person, not missing half of her qualities, half of her personality. But the approach we’ve come up with to reintegrate her would be similar. Anyway, the decision would have to be made within the next 48 hours, since the anomaly will only be there for a very limited period. And allowing for the time needed to get Hope to Earth …”
“Yeah, yeah, Spock, I get it, it’s urgent. Give me a minute to get my head around this, and I’ll go talk to her right away.”
-x-x-x-x-x-
Visions of dead little canines on transporter platforms1) and lonely old country doctors danced before McCoy’s eyes, as he blindly made his way through the corridors, unable to even imagine life without Hope anymore.
Life without hope, indeed!
He was only human! How was he supposed to talk to her about this without bias? Advise her on doing something that was possibly dangerous and definitely breaking his heart, yet might prove equally unsafe for her not to do?
When the doctor entered his quarters, still clueless as to the best way of addressing the matter, yet determined to get it over with quickly, he found the lights set to low and Hope already in bed. She had her eyes closed, lips slightly apart, and he thought he’d never seen anything more beautiful.
His whole life, everything he could ever need or want, was lying right there in front of him, and his heart didn’t know whether to melt or break as he quietly sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Jenny? Love?” he whispered, but the only answer he got was a soft grunt and a tiny hint of a smile as she turned her face a little towards him.
She had returned with a landing party from a high-gravity planet only a couple of hours ago, and they’d all come back pretty bushed. McCoy quietly changed out of his uniform and slid into bed, smiling when Hope opened a sleepy eye and gave his arm a little nudge, demanding he open it for her to nestle into.
“I’m knackered,” she mumbled drowsily into the crook of his neck, snuggling comfortably up against him. “The gravity down there was really something else.”
“Nothing that a good night’s sleep and a cuddle won’t cure,” the doctor chuckled, tenderly stroking her hair.
“Was there anything you wanted to talk about?”
“Shhh … That can wait until tomorrow. Just go back to sleep and let me hold you.”
“Mmmmmh! My favourite place in the whole wide world,” Hope murmured, nestling even closer into his arms, then softly added, “Don’t ever let me go again!!”
-x-x-x-x-x-
1) Reference to the TOS episode “The Enemy Within”
************
Disclaimer:
Nothing of or associated with Star Trek is mine – it all belongs to Paramount / ViacomCBS (or whoever else is currently holding the rights). This is a work of fanfiction, no infringement intended.
Hey, I just discovered your Tumblr through your fanfiction and I love it! You're a really awesome writer and McCoy is a huge fave of mine on Star Trek. De was an incredible man! Keep up the awesome work and looking forward to more! De would be so proud of you for keeping his memory alive! <3
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words! 🙏🥰
I believe that De was a wonderful man, and a great - and also greatly under-appreciated - actor. 😍 It’s a really lovely thought that he might have enjoyed the stories I crafted around this delightful character he so lovingly created and shaped to live on in our hearts and imagination. His amazing and inspiring legacy to us. ❤️
As a matter of fact, I’m already working on part 3 of my McCoy/Hope "long-fic”, which has grown in my heart (and my computer) for decades, albeit not in chronological order and with plenty of plot holes that I’m now trying to fill. 😅
Sadly, thanks to this grinding pandemic, my work and family life/schedule, just like everyone else’s, is crazier than ever, leaving me even less time to write. And unfortunately, I’ve recently discovered that even I can’t go completely without sleep. 🙈 So I’ll still need a little more time until I can start posting again.
Thanks again for making my day with your lovely message! Take care! ❤️🥰❤️
Another Life - a Star Trek fic - (Chapters 66 - 70)
Sequel to ‘On Borrowed Time’
Fandoms: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (AOS)
Pairing: McCoy x Original Female Character (Dr. Jennifer Hope)
Characters: The Crew of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)
Rating/Warnings: None
Tags: Romance, Friendship, Love, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Angst/H/C, Caring/Protective/Tender/Comforting/Happy/Grumpy/Worried McCoy
Word Count: This is a long one. Again. 😄 (71 chapters - 177k)
Read it on AO3: Another Life
Chapter 66
“Well,” Dakunia sighed, “they couldn't just return her to her own time, for obvious reasons, but they were still hoping to find a way to somehow reverse the effect and ‘reintegrate’ her. So they spun her a tale about some rare and aggressive kind of leukaemia, conveniently one that caused hallucinations and blackouts, and kept her isolated and mostly sedated to perform all kinds of medical tests on her, while Starfleet’s finest engineers and scientists were working on the technical side of things. She never even realised she’d been catapulted two centuries into the future. A hospital will always look like a hospital, I guess.”
McCoy didn’t appreciate the admiral’s weak attempt at humour. He was beyond appalled. Just the thought of how lost and scared Hope must have felt, finding herself hospitalised and faced with a deadly disease without so much as her family around for support, was breaking his heart. Yet, he tried to keep focused on Dakunia’s account, pushing aside all images of Hope being ‘medically tested’ with the means and methods of a century ago.
“When they still weren’t any closer to a breakthrough a couple of weeks later,” the admiral went on quietly, clearly avoiding to meet anyone’s eye now, “they decided to put her in stasis for the time being. With no danger of her disappearance causing harm to our timeline, she was little more than collateral damage to them. Basically, all Starfleet did was to have time travel prohibited altogether, and then, as time went by and other projects took priority, all but forgot about Hope, leaving her ‘shelved’, in case someone stumbled on a solution one day.”
By now, McCoy’s blood was boiling with helpless rage and disgust, and he was hardly able to keep the angry tears at bay, that were starting to form in his eyes. This kind and wonderful woman, who meant the world to him, who’d been put in this terrible and frightening position through no fault of her own, who’d depended on these people’s help and care, and, knowing her, probably trustingly so, had simply been dismissed as collateral damage. Low priority. Deprived of all human rights, of a life. Shelved!
“Like some goddamn specimen!” he snarled, casting a dismayed glance at Kirk, and finding a bit of comfort in seeing his friend’s face darken with the same outrage he felt.
“You’d really think that people, Starfleet, less than a century ago would have been more enlightened,” the captain snapped, glaring at Dakunia. “What way is that to treat a life?”
“I know, Jim,” the admiral responded dejectedly, eyes still cast down. “What can I say? The first I ever heard about any of this, was only after you’d successfully restored Captain John Christopher1) to his own time, and Hope was taken out of stasis to be restored to her time in the same way.”
Even Spock was leaning forward in his chair now, clearly intrigued, and possibly appalled, by all the unexpected turns Dakunia’s account of Hope’s past had taken.
“Needless to say, it didn’t work out,” Dakunia continued, grimacing. “Apparently, Hope’s case is not comparable to Christopher’s after all. So, suddenly finding myself in charge of the highly classified ‘Hope Project’, there was no way I was allowing the scared girl to be put back in stasis, of course. But I didn’t want to condemn her to a life as guinea pig, a specimen as you called it, Doctor, either.”
The admiral’s eyes found McCoy’s, conveying what seemed to be genuine concern for Hope.
“She’s so young and brilliant, far too precious to be regarded as some sort of experiment, some unexplored life form. But then, of course, no one deserves to spend their life as a lab rat. Luckily, records weren’t kept as diligently in the last century as they’re now, ensuring that only a handful of people knew about Hope and the closer circumstances surrounding her in the first place. So, I was able to spare her that fate. Up to now, that is.”
McCoy had been hanging on every word the admiral had said and was struggling to find his voice, his mouth dry as a Vulcan desert, and his heart threatening to pound its way out of his chest. He was far from ready to forgive Dakunia yet, but he did feel more lenient towards him than only minutes ago.
“So, you stuck to this hare-brained leukaemia story,” the doctor rasped. “And you weren’t entirely lying, when you told her that keeping shtum about it all was for her best. In fact, you most probably did save her from a miserable existence and gave her the chance to actually live. Shame you forgot to consider what keeping all of this to herself would do to her psychologically. Emotionally.”
“I’m sorry about that, Doctor,” the admiral acknowledged remorsefully, “and I’ve felt guilty about it ever since we last talked more than a year ago. But I’m no psychologist, and Hope always seemed to take everything in her stride, happy, in fact, to be here and alive, eager to make the most of her ‘second chance’. And when she turned out a gifted linguist and an impressively quick study to boot, I suggested a career in Starfleet for her, convincing everyone else in the know that this would give her the opportunity to live a normal life, while still making it possible for us to keep a close eye on her.”
Through all the pain McCoy felt on Hope’s behalf, he also felt a sudden surge of gratitude. To Dakunia, and to fate, for bringing her to the Enterprise and into his life. For giving him the chance to take care of her. To ease and maybe even make up for some of the emotional hurt that had been inflicted on her.
“But how could you keep the truth even from her?” Kirk wanted to know, looking accusingly at Dakunia.
“I,” the admiral hesitated, looking a little embarrassed, “thought it kinder not to tell her. A mistake, maybe. But she wasn’t aware that almost a century had passed since her initial tests, and we never anticipated her to remember anything past her physical age to contradict our version of her history. Another mistake, obviously, and the very reason I had to contact you immediately. Because if word comes out, it will not only pique the interest of scientists throughout the Federation and beyond, but it will also bring her back to the attention of Section 31. So far, she’s been classified as ‘inconsequential’. But now that those memories have emerged, who knows what other surprises are lying dormant within her. Section 31 doesn’t like the ‘unknown’, and they certainly don’t like ‘loose ends’.
McCoy felt a chill running down his spine, the implications of what the admiral had just casually mentioned too terrifying to even consider.
“So, that would leave exploring the phenomenon and monitoring its effects on Hope to us here on the Enterprise, I assume?” Spock spoke up. “Since those memories exist, and are surfacing, they cannot simply be ignored. But we can certainly limit knowledge of Lt. Hope’s personal circumstances to a minimum of confidants.”
“Thank you, Mr. Spock,” Dakunia was actually smiling now. “That’s exactly what I was hoping for. I have no idea how, but she must still have been connected to her counterpart in some way after the separation. All I know is that when we first talked to her, she was just a young girl, who simply wanted to go back to her parents, her friends, to university.”
McCoy had to close his eyes and clench his teeth hard not to lose his poise. Remembering the timid girl sitting on his biobed during her first physical, he could just picture Hope shyly asking to go home, only to learn that that would never be possible again. Had anyone even bothered to comfort her then? To tell her that she’d be all right? That she’d be taken care of? Maybe even taken her in their arms and held her for a minute? He guessed not. It was more likely that she’d just been given the cold facts, and then been left to come to terms with her new situation on her own. No wonder she’d never wanted to talk about those first few days and weeks. All the love and security he could give her would never be enough to make up for what she’d been through.
“Perhaps the part of her, that already existed in 1991, was somehow extracted, yet retained echoes of her older self’s mind,” Spock mused, all eyes on him now. “A mirror, or an image of what Vulcans would call her ‘katra’, maybe.”
“Does she have any memories beyond 2016?” the admiral asked on impulse.
“We have no idea, she’s barely begun to remember the time before!” McCoy grumbled irritably, struggling to keep from breaking down under all the new fears and worries he’d just been burdened with, in front of the others.
It was still going to happen, of course, once he’d had time to actually digest everything Dakunia had told them. Although it had better not. He couldn't afford to break down, not when Hope needed him most. He’d have to be strong for her. His amazing fiancée had been nothing but strong ever since she’d woken up in this century, but even she had her limits. Now it was his turn to be strong for her.
“What we do know,” Spock offered, “is that, apart from the love for her children, she remembers places, music, literature, basically all innocuous, positive or neutral, non-personal things after 1991.”
“I’m no expert, and no psychologist, as we’ve already established, but has it occurred to you that Hope herself might have repressed her personal memories for some reason?” the admiral ventured a guess. “Maybe because she’s much happier in her new life and wouldn’t even want to go back? I, for one, am very glad that she’s found a new home on the Enterprise and has your unfailing support, gentlemen. She certainly deserves it. And I certainly made the right decision, when I saw her disappointment at not being cleared for starship duty and, knowing what an asset she would be to your crew, entrusted her to you, Jim.”
“You actually care for her, don’t you?” McCoy asked, suddenly seeing the admiral with new eyes, and feeling genuinely grateful for everything he’d done for Hope.
“I do,” Dakunia confessed softly. “She impressed the hell out of me the first time I met her.”
Same here, the doctor thought fondly.
“This girl,” the admiral went on, smiling at the memory, “this slip of a thing, disoriented, fragile, lost and scared, cut off from everything and everyone she’d known. Yet, underneath her vulnerability, there was this feistiness, this boundless strength and optimism. The determination to keep going, holding her head high, eager to learn and make the best of her situation. Dead set on seeing everything as an adventure rather than a misfortune. And never an angry word, no self-pity, no looking for someone to blame. No, she was always friendly and polite, always accommodating. She never once doubted the leukaemia story either, and even thanked us for curing her. That really made me feel uncomfortable, believe me. So, I made it my mission to help her in any way I could. To make it possible for her to live the life she deserved. And finding her such a brilliant, talented young lady made things easier, of course. I just couldn’t let some random, ancient medical issues take away her chances.”
For the first time since the beginning of their conference, McCoy smiled. A genuine, heartfelt smile, directed at Dakunia, no less.
“One more thing,” the doctor suddenly remembered to ask. “Can Hope get access to the rest of her personal belongings? I recall her mentioning that Starfleet is holding back some of her things.”
“Oh, there’s obviously been a misunderstanding, I’m afraid,” Dakunia looked apologetically at McCoy. “We’re not holding back any actual belongings. There’s nothing more than the things she had on her when she first … er … arrived in the 22nd century. A small suitcase holding some clothes and a few other items, that’s it. Apparently, she was just about to go on vacation when she was … snatched away, or she wouldn’t even have that. But I have accumulated quite an extensive collection of data about her old life. Before and after. Her career, her personal life, her family, including audio and visual material. I’ll have them sent to you at the next opportunity.”
The doctor nodded his thanks, sorry to have to add yet another disappointment to Hope’s growing list. Although it probably didn’t really matter anymore, it somehow pained him to think that her well-loved pink elephant, a picture of two girls she’d once known, and a couple of flower-print dresses were indeed everything she’d possessed when she’d started out on her new life.
Jim must have had a similar train of thought, because he tentatively asked, “What about her financial resources? I don’t mean to pry, but after what we’ve just learned, I don’t suppose she has any funds to speak of? How could she even afford the Academy?”
McCoy had to smile at the open concern on his friend’s face. Seeing other people care about and look out for Hope, too, always sent a comforting warmth to his heart. And he had to admit that he shared that particular concern. Although she’d never appeared to be, and certainly had never complained about wanting for anything, he’d long suspected that Hope’s funds were rather limited. But she’d just skirted around the subject, whenever he’d tried to ask her about it, and so he hadn’t been able to do more for her than pay for the odd meal on shore leave. She’d always been very modest, not seeming to need a lot, and he liked that about her. But now he couldn't help wondering, if she’d come by that quality not entirely by choice.
“We took care of her Academy fees, board and lodging, of course,” Dakunia answered Kirk’s question, “but I also set up a small kind of reparation fund for her, as I think of it. Not a lot, mind you, little enough not to draw attention, and certainly not enough to actually make amends for what we’ve done to her, not that that could even be measured in credits. But it helped towards leading a normal life. You know, buy some nice clothes, go out with friends, that sort of thing. Although there’s still most of it left. She’s not a big spender.”
“Figures,” the captain grinned, casting McCoy a warm glance. “Anything else wouldn’t fit in with the Hope we know and love.”
“I guess it wouldn’t,” the admiral smiled back, “she certainly is a lovely, and very special lady. And you can be sure that I’ll keep doing my best to protect her. But even so, I need you to understand that if word gets out about her unexpected memories, I don’t think I’ll be able to keep the bloodhounds off for very much longer.”
“We understand, Sir,” Kirk confirmed formally, looking satisfied at Dakunia’s assurance to continue his endeavours to protect Hope. “We’ll keep you informed, but other than that, no word about any of this is leaving the Enterprise. We’d never do anything that might put Hope in danger.”
“Very well,” the admiral replied, and if McCoy had any doubt left about his sincerity, the undisguised relief on Dakunia’s face took that away. “And please remember, gentlemen, Hope may have the memories of a woman twice her age, maybe even some of her wisdom. But when it comes down to it, she’s still a very young woman, only just starting out and gaining experience.”
McCoy felt his heart melt at Dakunia’s words. It was exactly how he felt about Hope, too. How he had, in fact, always felt, even before he’d known the whole truth about her. No matter how much he admired and respected her, even relied on her, she’d always be his girl. His to take care of. And his to love and cherish forever.
1) Reference to the TOS episode “Tomorrow Is Yesterday”.
Chapter 67
When the conference with Dakunia had ended, McCoy slumped back in his chair, feeling too heavy to even try to get up. It felt a bit like being underwater, the sounds surrounding him muted, and every move taking immense effort. All those new, overwhelming facts and fears seemed to be weighing him down, not just figuratively, but literally.
Although it wasn’t the part of Hope being a ‘duplicate’, whatever that really meant, that had knocked him sideways. Sure, he’d have to get his head around that one, figure out the consequences, or side-effects, or fallout, whichever. And certainly deal with his anger about how she’d been treated. But he’d seen stranger things. And however Hope had been ‘created’, knowing her inside out as her doctor, her friend, her partner, he could say, without a shadow of a doubt, that she was as human as it got.
How she’d react to the news, however, what it would mean for her emotionally, or even for her future, was another story, of course. And, disconcertingly, this time he honestly had no clue whether she’d take it in her stride like most everything else, or break down, as any other person probably would. Either way, they’d tackle this together, work it all out like they did with everything.
Hope was still the same, amazing woman she’d been an hour ago, nothing had changed there. And in case she started to doubt that, he’d keep reminding her of the fact as long as it took for her to return to her confident self again. Heck, she could turn out to be the daughter of a Gorn and a Horta, for all he cared. She’d still be Hope. His girl. The love of his life.
No, it wasn’t Hope’s history, or ‘nature’, that bothered the doctor. What scared the living daylights out of him was that business with Section 31, whoever they really were. Dakunia’s insistent warning, paired with Jim’s visible alarm at the sheer mention of that department, had put the fear of God into him. If Section 31 were as ruthless and dangerous as he had reason to believe, how was he ever going to keep Hope safe? How would he ever be able to sleep again?
He jumped, when the captain sat down heavily in the chair next to him. Jim and Spock, who had been engaged in a quiet conversation at the far end of the briefing room, repeatedly casting him concerned glances, had obviously decided that he’d had enough time to collect himself.
“How am I supposed to keep her safe, Jim?” McCoy blurted out before Kirk had the chance to say anything.
“You mean, ‘How are we going to keep her safe’?” the captain corrected him gently, coaxing the hint of a smile out of the doctor.
What would he do without his loyal friends by his side? He couldn't even imagine life without their friendship and support anymore. They were his family, just like Hope and Joanna.
“My God, Jim,” he ran a tired hand over his face. “I was expecting a lot of crap from Starfleet, but this Section 31 business certainly surpasses my wildest speculations.”
“Calm down, Bones, she’s safe here with us,” Kirk smiled, resting a comforting hand on the doctor’s arm.
“How can you say that?” McCoy cried out, testily shrugging him off. “The way I see it, she isn’t safe anywhere!”
“You heard Dakunia,” the captain’s voice was soothing. “Section 31 deals with threats, they don’t concern themselves with harmless girls. And no one will ever learn about her newly discovered memories. For what it’s worth, I trust Dakunia. He won’t tell a soul. And neither will we, of course.”
“More secrets,” McCoy sighed miserably. “Will she never be free?”
“Secrets, yes,” Kirk agreed softly. “That can’t be helped. But this time, she has you and us to talk to. Besides, she’s the most resilient person I know.”
The doctor threw his friend a pained look. Of course Hope was resilient! Not least because she had to be.
“And she’s also the happiest, Bones,” Jim added with a warm smile. “You make her happy. You’re the best thing that could have happened to her. With your help, she can overcome anything. She’s a very lucky woman, and she knows it.”
“At least, now we can be sure that she will not need to return to the past,” Spock cut in, saving McCoy from the emotional moment Kirk had created. “Unless she wants to, and we can find a way to make it happen, of course. Maybe you should discuss this with her at some point?”
The doctor felt a cold hand grip his heart. Would Hope want to go back if she had the chance? Now that she knew about her children?
“You all right Bones?” the captain’s gentle voice brought him back to the present.
“What am I even going to tell her, Jim?” McCoy groaned. “Where do I begin? How do you tell someone that they’re a ‘duplicate’?”
He was sorely tempted not to tell Hope anything at all, suddenly understanding why Dakunia had chosen that path. There was nothing but heartache to be gained from knowing the truth. But then, he’d have to find some other explanation for her flashbacks. And that would mean lying to her, which, of course, he couldn’t do. She’d been lied to enough already, and she deserved nothing but the truth.
Besides, he couldn’t build their marriage on a secret, on lies, no matter how much he’d love to spare her the heartache. No, the way to go was to be completely honest and then just be there for her. Ease the pain as best he could. Not to mention that she needed to know how serious this was. That she couldn’t tell anyone. That she had to stay safe.
“I know what you’re thinking, Bones,” Kirk broke into his thoughts. “But she’s waiting for answers. Those memories won’t just go away. There’s no way around telling her.”
“And don’t you think I know that?” McCoy blustered. “Of course, I’m going to tell her. We can’t start making up new lies. She deserves the truth. If for nothing else but to stay safe.”
Jim nodded mildly, and the doctor felt himself deflate.
“But where do I start?” he looked helplessly at Kirk. “How do I say what needs to be said? How do I soften the blow, prepare her for what’s to come?”
“You’re a doctor,” the captain replied. “It’s not the first time you’ve had to break unpleasant news to someone. You’ll find the right words. Besides, Hope’s much stronger than you give her credit for. I’m pretty sure she’ll surprise you. She’ll be relieved to have answers, to finally know the truth. She may need some time to adjust, to get to grips with the situation, but with your help she’ll come out the other side stronger. Like she has every time. Nothing we’ve learned today will destroy her life. Or her happiness, for that matter. Because she won’t let it.”
“Thanks Jim,” McCoy smiled, getting up. “I needed to hear that. And you’re certainly right. They don’t come any stronger than Hope.”
Of course, Jim was right. Hope was one of the strongest people he knew.
Certainly stronger than I am, he sighed inwardly, looking gloomily at his usually so steady hands that he just couldn't seem to stop from trembling now.
Truthfully, the only thing still keeping him together was the knowledge that Hope was safe for the moment. Here on the Enterprise. With him. Needing him. That she was only a few steps away, happy to let him hold her and feel her reassuring presence, to show her how loved she was, how special, how wonderful. He couldn’t change the things that had happened to her. But he could still give her all the love and care, the Geborgenheit she craved and deserved. Powerless as he was to change the past, he certainly had the power to make her future the happiest it could be.
Hope must be rubbing off on me, he thought, shaking his head in wonder, because instead of weighed down and helpless, he suddenly felt animated, imagining all the nice things he would do for her.
“Now go tell her,” Kirk clapped an encouraging hand on his friend’s back as the three officers made their way to the door. “And take tomorrow off, if you need to.”
But when the doors slid open, and the doctor saw Hope already standing there, anxiously waiting for him, his resolve crumbled, and all he could do was pull her into the tightest hug and back inside the briefing room.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Jenny couldn't suppress a surprised yelp at being so unceremoniously yanked into the briefing room, and into the mother of all bear hugs. And, of course, it didn’t take a genius to realise that Leonard had been seriously rattled, and that that was to do with her, or more precisely, with the conference call he’d just ended with Admiral Dakunia, as Uhura had informed her only a few minutes ago.
Needless to say, the intensity of McCoy’s embrace, normally her safe place, was making her feel rather uneasy right now. The way he’d wrapped his arms around her, almost crushing her, burying his face in her hair and clinging to her as if he hadn’t seen her only this morning, and after an incredible night, too, could only mean one thing. What they were going to tell her wasn’t pleasant.
She’d been surprised when Spock had asked her and her team to check the latest translator update for a rather unusual bug that afternoon, but had also been grateful to have her mind taken off her worries and fears. And, of course, she’d suspected that that had exactly been the first officer’s intention, recognising it as one of his subtle kindnesses. It hadn’t occurred to her, however, that he was trying to keep a subspace meeting with Dakunia from her.
When Jenny and her staff had finished their assignment, she’d been thinking about calling a band rehearsal, or asking Chekov for a training session, to keep busy and give Leonard a breather from her constant yammering and whining, which seemed to be all she was doing lately. But then she’d thought better of it. In her current state of mind, she might just have started telling Nyota or Pavel about her woes, drawing them into her issues as well. And she didn’t feel comfortable with that at all.
She was the one people came to for help, and support, and an open ear. The other way round would simply feel wrong. Except with poor Leonard, who’d been her confidant and counsellor from the beginning. She knew, of course, that the doctor didn’t mind, even enjoyed worrying about her in his own peculiar way. He couldn’t help it, it was how he demonstrated love. Probably how he felt it, too. And deeply so, because there was no other way he knew how to feel. Leonard felt everything very deeply.
But she’d still always tried not to bother him with every little problem, every issue, every hiccup. She wasn’t this needy, clingy girlfriend, or at least she didn’t want to be. On the contrary. Given the doctor’s proneness to worrying and brooding, she always tried to be upbeat and positive around him. To cheer him up when he was in one of his moods. To show him how pleasant and wonderful life really was. Only, with her flashbacks and emerging memories, she hadn’t been very successful at that recently. The worry about where it all came from, and whether she was going crazy, had become too much of a constant companion in her mind.
So, when Uhura had let on that Leonard, Kirk and Spock were in a mysterious meeting with Dakunia, her heart rate had instantly gone up by a million bpm. Immediately heading for the briefing room, all she’d been able to do was keep from barging in, sticking to pacing the corridor outside instead, and trying not to think about why she hadn’t been included in the meeting. She just couldn't wait to hear what new information Dakunia had divulged. At that point, it didn’t really matter if it was good or bad news anymore. She just wanted to have clarity. To know the truth about herself, even if the consequences were severe. Anything was better than this uncertainty.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Unable to hold off any longer, she gently disengaged herself from Leonard’s embrace, and, wondering how to pose the question she so desperately needed answered without breaking down in front of the captain and Spock, decided to try the casual approach.
“So, that bad, eh?” she began, her voice surprisingly strong. “Am I officially going crazy now?”
Leonard just wordlessly shook his head, and Kirk, for once, seemed to be at a loss for words, too.
Only Spock, the epitome of calm, as always, answered, “Indeed, you are not, Lieutenant. Your sanity is perfectly intact, no need for concern there. However, there are quite a number of new facts that you need to hear about. Would you like Dr. McCoy to fill you in on everything in private, or would you rather we told you here right away?”
Jenny would really have preferred to do this in private. To have Leonard tenderly hold her while he gently let her in on all these ‘new facts’. But given how upset the doctor seemed, and assuming that Spock hadn’t suggested for them all to tell her together without reason, she decided to take him up on the offer. Leonard definitely looked like he could use his friends’ support, an observation that certainly did nothing to reassure her.
“I think I’d rather you just told me right away. I really can’t wait any longer,” she replied, the relief on McCoy’s face not going unnoticed, as he tenderly led her over to a chair.
He seemed to have his act back together now, all reassuring smiles and comforting hands in the small of her back or around her waist again, and Jenny instantly felt far less afraid, despite knowing that it probably was just that: an act. But even so, there was nothing like Leonard in calm doctor mode to make her feel safe and secure.
Just as she was sitting down, however, McCoy had a change of heart and, pressing a soft kiss to her temple, said, “You know, it’s really a good idea to have Jim and Spock help me get all the facts straight when I tell you. But I still think we should do this in our quarters. It’s more comfortable there. After all, this is a private matter and not some strategy meeting.”
Absurdly, the only thing Jenny could think at that moment was that he’d just called them ‘our quarters’ for the first time in front of others, probably ever. Totally unrelated and certainly not the issue here, but oh so wonderful to hear. Something heart-warming and joyful to hold on to in the midst of this unnerving and mind-boggling situation. And she wouldn’t put it past Leonard to have saved those words for an occasion like this, perfectly aware that they were sure to put a smile in her heart.
Chapter 68
“I’m sorry I scared you, love,” McCoy looked ruefully at Jenny, as they made their way through the corridors, Kirk and Spock following at a little distance. “It was just so good to see you, and you know how I tend to overreact. But there’s really nothing wrong with you, least of all with your marvellous mind. What Dakunia told us was … surprising more than anything else. But nothing we couldn't deal with.”
Of course, he’d realised how his earlier behaviour had frightened her. He might have been unable to stop himself, but he wouldn’t be Leonard, if he hadn’t been acutely aware of what hugging her like there was no tomorrow had done to her.
“It’s all right, I’m not scared,” Jenny mustered a weak smile, grabbing and squeezing the hand that had been lightly brushing against hers with every step.
Their eyes met, and they both had to laugh, a brief moment of lightness, shared humour taking away the unbearable tension, because, of course, they both knew that she was scared witless and he had been far more than just surprised by what he’d learned.
God, how she loved this man. For being exactly the way he was. For pulling off awkward and confident at the same time, as if they weren’t opposites. For loving her so fiercely and unconditionally. And for having this unique gift for making her laugh and feel safe, even seconds away from falling to pieces himself. The very gift that made him such an extraordinary healer.
The news might not be good, frightening even, but as long as he could still pull himself together enough to revert to ‘doctor mode’, it had to be something she could overcome. Or at least survive. Of course, Jenny knew that Leonard was always a doctor first, and that comforting and reassuring were ‘his business’. But she also knew that there were exceptions. Limits even for him.
Because just like he’d always be a father first when it came to Joanna, he wouldn’t be able to put the doctor before the partner in her case either, if the news really were that terrible. At least not unless the doctor in him could save her.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Once again, Jenny was sitting on the couch in McCoy’s - no their - quarters, feeling uneasy and not knowing what to anticipate, with Leonard sitting next to her, his arm protectively around her shoulders, and Kirk and Spock sitting across from them.
Another déjà vu, but with this one, at least, she knew exactly where it came from. She vividly remembered the last time they’d been sitting here like this, over a year ago, when she’d told them about her past and how she’d come to live in the 23rd century.
It had all seemed so straightforward then. So simple. She’d believed everything would be all right, once she shared her secret with them. And for a time, it was. Until new secrets cropped up. Only this time, apparently, they weren’t her secrets but someone else’s. Or, perhaps, the truth was even stranger than that. Even more ‘surprising’. She really couldn’t wait for McCoy to finally spill the beans.
“Leonard, please,” Jenny shifted in his embrace, looking up at him imploringly. “I know you mean well, but whatever you have to tell me, stop trying to break it to me gently, just say it. All I need is the truth. And I need it now. Your beating about the bush is killing me.”
“Of course, love, I’m sorry,” he sighed, brushing a quick kiss on her hair.
And then, taking a deep breath, the doctor launched into a detailed recount of everything Admiral Dakunia had told them, carefully watching her as her eyes grew wider with every new fact, and pulling her a little closer every time she shivered with shock and disbelief.
So, she’d nearly been killed, stumbling into some top-secret Starfleet Intelligence time travel mission? And then been brought two hundred years into the future only to be put to sleep for another hundred years? She’d never even had leukaemia? She’d been duplicated?
What next? Is there even anything real in my world? Or is my whole life just one, big lie?
Feeling completely numb and almost detached, the doctor’s arm was the only thing still grounding her, as she listened to his preposterous tale, interrupted only by the occasional remark from Kirk or Spock. Surely, this could only be a very bad joke. Only, it couldn't be, because there was no way Leonard would ever join in such a cruel prank. And neither would Kirk or Spock, for that matter. No, it had to be another nightmare. She could only hope to wake up soon.
“Why can I remember the most unspectacular songs but not people, not even my own sons, properly?” Jenny heard herself ask, her voice sounding as if it belonged to someone else.
“We think it’s to do with emotions,” McCoy answered softly, tenderly hugging her to him and wrapping her in his comforting warmth and love, his arms still the safest place she knew. “Songs, and music in general, make for happy or at least neutral memories. But people and relationships are more difficult. More personal. Spock’s confident, though, that with time you’ll remember everything. Slowly, but steadily. Don’t push yourself, love. Just like with amnesia, you can’t force it. You just need to let it happen.”
Easy for him to say, Jenny thought irritably, well aware that she was being unfair. Talk about shooting the messenger. Of course, she knew that the whole situation, having to break those news to her, was anything but easy for Leonard, but she needed to vent, if only in her mind.
“Maybe there were things your older self wasn’t entirely happy with and found easier to suppress,” Spock volunteered. “After all, there was enough for you to come to terms with, even without the additional burden of future – and perhaps less agreeable – memories.”
“Well, if there’s anyone who might know, it would be you, Mr. Spock, wouldn’t it?” Jenny all but snapped, trying to keep the bitterness from her voice. “So far, you’re the only one who’s seen my ‘future memories’.”
“Not the buried ones,” the Vulcan countered gently. “Not many of them, anyway. And without context, most of them will only make sense with time. However, from everything I’ve seen so far, it isn’t likely that there was a major catastrophe overshadowing your life.”
“That’s reassuring to know, Mr. Spock,” Jenny chuckled drily, feeling only mildly relieved.
But then, she seemed to have stopped feeling altogether. It was like staring into a great, big void. Even Leonard’s strong arms enfolding her, which would usually have given her the world of comfort and the most reassuring sense of security, could just as well have been some armchair, albeit a comfortable one, she was sitting in. At the end of the day, of course, it didn’t matter either way. Nothing did. Because she wasn’t real. She was just a cheap copy of some other woman.
“Strictly speaking, it’s not even my life, and they aren’t my memories to begin with. Neither my past, nor my future are actually mine.”
It was only after the words were out of her mouth, and Leonard’s thumbs were gently wiping away a few tears she hadn’t even been aware had begun to trickle down her cheeks, that the cold, hard truth struck her with full force.
“One by one, your memories will resurface, love,” the doctor murmured, his face inches from hers, gazing intently into her eyes. “And they’re all yours, there’s no question about it. Try looking at the bright side. You won’t have to feel guilty anymore, since you were actually always there for your sons. They never lost you. They never had to live without their mother. If your memories of them are painful, it’s because you miss them, not because they missed you.”
“So, my sons grew up with their mum. That’s a good thing, right?” Jenny looked into McCoy’s kind eyes. “But where does that leave me? Who am I, if not their mother?”
Suddenly, she didn’t feel numb at all anymore. It was as if her heart had been temporarily frozen and was now defrosting at speed again. All her emotions, her pains, her fears, her insecurities, everything that had or hadn’t happened to her, or to her sons, everything she’d believed she was until today, was coming tumbling down on her at once.
Jenny couldn't think straight anymore, couldn't move, didn’t know what to say, or where to look, or what to believe. All she wanted was for Kirk and Spock to go away, so that she didn’t have to pretend being in control any longer. And all she needed was Leonard’s comforting presence, his loving arms around her, safely holding her while she was falling apart and patiently waiting to put her back together again when she was ready.
That was exactly what she wanted to tell him, but what came out instead was, “I’m so sorry for worrying you again. I don’t know why I keep doing this to you.”
Fortunately, she didn’t have to tell Leonard what she really needed. He’d probably known before she did. Because while he was gently cradling her to his chest, she could feel him gesticulating above her head, and then heard the hiss of the door as Kirk and Spock quietly left.
“You know that I consider worrying about you my privilege,” he said after a moment, his words slightly muffled by her hair. “We’ve helped each other through difficult times before, and this is going to be no different. Together, we’ll pull through. Nothing can hurt us.”
-x-x-x-x-x-
“Nothing? I’m nothing,” was the first thing Hope said when the others were gone, lifting her head to look at him, and McCoy felt his heart breaking. “I’m no one. Just a ... projection. A copy.”
She wasn’t crying or even really looking upset, just very confused and lost.
“You’re nothing of the sort, love,” he replied, his arms delicately holding her, and his hands softly caressing her face, reflecting the indescribable tenderness that surged through him as he gazed into her questioning eyes. “You’re as real as they come. And I should know, I’ve checked and fixed you more times than I care to remember.”
She was looking to him for answers, for guidance, for reassurance, and he’d never felt more protective of anyone in his life.
“You’re an amazing individual, no doubt an original! Heck, for all we know, your counterpart could, in fact, be a copy of you! But sticking to Spock’s theory, as far as I was able to understand it, you might want to think of her as your twin rather than copy and original.”
Hope nodded slowly, considering his words.
“I won’t pretend to know how you’re feeling, love,” he went on softly. “And maybe you don’t have a clue what to feel or think yet, either. But I’m here. To help you get your head around this. To talk and to listen. Or simply hold you while you’re processing all of this.”
Heaving a sigh, Hope just wordlessly sank back into his arms, burying her face against his neck, and McCoy’s heart broke a little more. He’d watched her trying to hang on and keep her composure all evening, her questions and remarks almost robotic, as if on autopilot, reminding him of the day after their first night together on shore leave, when Jim had come to tell her she’d been transferred to the Lexington, pushing her off the top of the world in a matter of seconds.
Why was she never allowed to stay happy for long? Just because she was strong and resilient, as Jim put it, and had proven herself capable of bouncing back from anything time and again, didn’t mean she didn’t deserve to simply be happy once in a while.
“You’re holding me as if I were made of glass,” Hope murmured close to his ear, and it sounded almost like a complaint. “Are you suddenly afraid to break me? Or am I going to dissolve any moment now?”
“Of course not!” the doctor was quick to assure her, instantly hugging her a little tighter, not even having noticed that he’d started to treat her like the fragile girl she was on the outside. “You’re as strong as ever. Sometimes, I just get carried away with how much love and tenderness you need and deserve, and then I can’t seem to be gentle enough with you.”
That seemed to placate her, as she snuggled a little closer.
“You know, I’ve been struggling with feeling inferior before,” she sighed, “being this Neanderthal among all you brilliant people of the 23rd century. But now I’m even more lacking! In everything. I’m not even a full human being!”
“My God, you’re not lacking in anything, love!” McCoy contradicted, appalled at the idea that Hope would even think something like that, but at the same time understanding that she was feeling insecure right now and needed all the reassurance she could get. “You’re still exactly the same amazing woman you were yesterday. Apart from still being the most important person in my life, of course. My one and only.”
“Oh, Leonard,” she rubbed her head affectionately against his cheek, “you’re always so kind and sweet. Always saying the right thing. But I still feel like a fraud. Like I shouldn’t even be alive.”
“That’s enough now, Jenny,” he said sternly, trying to contain his simmering anger, which wasn’t even directed at Hope, but at Starfleet. And fate. “Your life is infinitely precious. I don’t want to hear you talking like that again!”
Hope bristled at his words, and he was immediately sorry for sounding so harsh. He really needed to cut her some slack. She was in a most daunting situation, and he couldn’t even begin to imagine what she was going through right now. If anyone was entitled to say things they wouldn’t have said under different circumstances, it was certainly her.
“Listen,” he continued more gently. “What if you’d never learned the truth? Would you still feel like a fraud? Nothing has really changed beside the fact that now you know.”
“Well, I guess I wouldn’t,” she admitted hesitantly.
On impulse, McCoy pulled back a little, tilted his head, and brought his lips down on hers, surprising her with an intense and loving kiss.
“Feel good?” he chuckled, amused by the startled look in her eyes.
Hope just nodded and gave him a little smile.
“See? Nothing’s changed at all.”
Wrapping her arms around his waist, she gave him another one of her brave little smiles, and he almost wished she’d just burst into tears. Let it all out. That would be easier to handle, he knew how to comfort a crying Hope. The fact that he was still rather shaken himself, didn’t help, either, of course.
But he’d keep it together for her sake. Follow her lead. If she needed to put on a brave face and talk rather than cry her heart out, he could do that, too. There’d be plenty of time for tears later. In his experience, people often instinctively knew how best to deal with trauma. Different people had different ways of coping, and as a doctor, he’d learned to go with people’s instincts rather than psychological textbooks.
“It’s just that not being allowed to return to the past is one thing,” Hope tried to explain, looking at him with sorrowful eyes that were boring right into his soul. “But effectively not being able to, because there’s just nowhere for me to go, nowhere I belong, is something else entirely. Let’s face it, I’m nothing more than an accident.”
“And one for which I’ll be eternally grateful,” McCoy said softly, his voice cracking, glad to see the intense pain in her eyes fading a little as his words sank in. “Your place is here, you belong with me. I know it sounds awfully selfish, but for a while there, before I talked to Dakunia, I was terribly afraid you might have to go back eventually.”
“You mean when I’m forty-five?” Hope asked quietly, raising a gentle hand to his face and caressing his cheek affectionately.
“You had the same thought?” the doctor was taken aback.
“Of course, I did, Leonard,” she replied, endless love shining through the pain in her eyes. “I can put two and two together just like you can. Although it took me a while to figure out why you acted as if you might never see me again last night. And when I did, I immediately dismissed the idea again, telling myself I was wrong. Because I couldn't bear to even think about it any more than you could.”
Chapter 69
“At least, we won’t have to worry about that anymore,” McCoy smiled, lovingly covering Hope’s hand on his cheek with his own and bringing it to his lips for a gentle kiss.
Seeing her struggle with so many emotions at once, the fear, the insecurity, the confusion, and beneath them all the unbroken love for him, it was getting harder and harder to keep his own feelings under control. But he couldn't lose it now. This was not about him. Not about his worries, or his rage, or even the hurt he felt on her behalf. This was all about Hope. What she felt, what she needed. What he could do to make this easier for her. It was his job to get her through this.
“When I realised that our time together might be limited, twenty years suddenly seemed so terribly short,” Hope said, closing her eyes at the memory, and the doctor was glad to see her momentarily distracted from her self-doubts. “But then, an eternity with you wouldn’t be enough either.”
“I couldn't agree more,” McCoy had to blink back tears, deeply touched by her words. “Twenty years together is nowhere near enough. But if they were all I could have with you, I’d gladly take them anytime.”
Hope snuggled against him with a sigh, then suddenly pulled back again, and raised fearful eyes to him.
“What do you think will happen to me when I’m forty-five?” she asked, her voice a little shaky. “I might not have to go back in time, or rather, I won’t be able to. But do you think I’ll just cease to exist?”
The doctor suppressed a shudder, aware that he couldn't display even a hint of uncertainty now. The thought had crossed his mind, too, but he’d be damned if he told her that. It was enough that he was going to spend the next twenty years worrying about it. At least, he was used to living in constant fear of something or other. Hope wasn’t, and certainly shouldn’t have to be.
“Of course not, love,” he reassured her, willing himself to believe it, too. “And why should you? When you … came into existence, you were separated from your counterpart. Or your twin. I’m sure Spock could explain this much better, but the way I see it, you were ‘reborn’ that day. You’ve been living your own life ever since. Independently. Growing, maturing, following your own path. There’s no reason for this to suddenly end!”
“Oh, Leonard,” Hope sighed, falling back into the couch. “This is just one of a million questions running through my head! In a way it’s worse than suddenly waking up in another century. At least I knew who I was then. Or I thought I did, anyway. But now? Nothing’s real, everything’s changed, I don’t know what to believe anymore!”
“I hope you still believe that I love you,” McCoy smiled gently, his heart heavy as he felt himself falling into Hope’s dark, soulful eyes, which seemed to be pleading for help, and for answers. “And that you can still trust your feelings. The love you have for your friends, your job, for linguistics, for music, and dancing. All of this is real. All of this is you. Wonderful, incomparable you.”
“Thank you!” Hope whispered, nestling into his side as if she wanted to crawl inside him and hide there forever, and the doctor wrapped his arms tightly around her, making sure not to treat her like a breakable anymore, even though that was exactly how she felt to him at that moment.
“It’s perfectly normal that you’re confused, and unsure of a lot of things right now,” McCoy murmured softly into her hair, his hand drawing comforting circles on her back. “Everyone would! Your whole world’s just been upended. Everything you’ve believed to be true is suddenly being called into question, and it makes me so angry that you’ve had that done to you.”
He had to pause there for a moment, to fight back the anger that was just waiting to be released.
“I won’t tell you that you’ll be able to put all your doubts to rest in a day or two, either. This is going to take time. It’s a process. But I’m with you every step of the way. Whatever runs through your head, every doubt, every fear, every question, even anger, because you’re going to, and have every right to feel that, too, share it with me, and you’ll find nothing is as daunting as it seems.”
“I will, Leonard,” she mumbled into his shirt, and he tenderly kissed the top of her head, hoping she really would.
They were silent for some time, and the doctor could almost see the multitude of thoughts buzzing in Hope’s head, as she kept shifting around restlessly in his arms.
“You know, I can’t help wondering about the years I spent in the 20th century,” she finally said. “My whole childhood and youth. Was that really me? Did any of this actually happen to me, or are those just echoes of ‘her’ memories, too? Like the future ones?”
McCoy didn’t quite know how to answer that. Those were huge, philosophical questions. Besides, he’d never been comfortable with the whole time-travel conundrums and paradoxes in the first place. Fortunately, Hope didn’t really seem to expect a response anyway, her thoughts already moving on to the next question.
Abruptly disengaging herself from his embrace, she gave him a haunted look.
“You and Spock know my exact date of death, don’t you?” she asked, the colour draining from her face, then quickly corrected herself. “Her date of death. Do you think I’ll die at the same age? It sure would be disconcerting to know when you’re going to die!”
“Oh, really, Jenny!” the doctor exclaimed, shocked by the turn Hope’s agitated mind was taking, but then relented, seeing that the thought was deeply bothering her. “Nobody knows when they’re going to die. As I said before, you started your own, independent life the moment you were separated.”
Looking somewhat reassured by his answer, she breathed out a relieved little puff.
“And out of the two of us, I was obviously the lucky one,” she said after a moment, gazing lovingly into his eyes, “being the one who got to meet you.”
McCoy pressed a tender kiss on her lips, both responding to her sweet declaration of love and stalling for time. Her thoughts, and her mood swings, although understandable, were really starting to get to him. He needed to take action. A plan. Apparently, Hope wasn’t ready to let go and have a good, cathartic cry just yet, but questions like these weren’t healthy. And so very unlike her, they actually scared him.
As much as he loved to hold her, and knew that being in his arms gave her comfort, this time, it simply wasn’t enough to revert her to her grounded, confident self.
Time to bring out the big guns, he thought, tenderly stroking Hope’s hair and picturing her laughing and carefree again in his mind.
Waiting for inspiration to strike, he started by making her some tea. Her favourite ‘Tension Tamer’ blend, which Hope gratefully accepted. He could actually have done with a drink, too. A couple of fingers of bourbon would have been nice. But that would only give away how rattled he was himself.
He did have drinks with Jim or Scotty sometimes, of course, but he practically never drank when it was just the two of them. They had coffee, or maybe tea, or a fruit juice. Hope didn’t care for alcohol, and somehow, he never even thought of having a drink when he was with her.
Besides, McCoy needed a clear head. Hope was very fragile at the moment, and he needed to observe her closely. So, tea it was for him, too. He just prayed that he wouldn’t get called to an emergency, because there was no way he could leave her alone right now. Not even for a minute.
As he sat down again, cup in hand, an idea struck him. Music. Hope lived and breathed music and rhythm. It was her life. She expressed herself through singing and dancing. It had even helped with her amnesia. Maybe it would help again? At least calm her down enough to get her to sleep a little. That might give her a new perspective in the morning, and perhaps, with a little distance, things might not seem as overwhelming anymore.
He could certainly do with some rest, too. To give him the chance to process everything himself. In order to counsel her well, to really be of help to her, he desperately needed to get a grip on his own thoughts and emotions first. Beginning with purging his anger somehow.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Jenny was sipping her tea, feeling a little more like herself again. She was grateful that Leonard had sent the captain and Spock away, and was now just quietly being there for her, giving her space to process things in her own way and time, yet responding to her every thought and mood.
He’d always been good at being subtly comforting and supportive, taking up her random, troubled thoughts and guiding them in a healthier, more fruitful direction. Discreetly taking charge without being obtrusive.
Putting his cup swiftly down on the couch table, the doctor suddenly jumped up, an almost excited look on his face as he went to grab his PADD from the desk and started tapping away on it.
“Remember how our song always helped when we were going through a rough patch?” he asked, casting her an affectionate glance before returning his attention to whatever he was busily typing. “We danced to it on the beach that unfortunate evening before you had to report to the Lexington. And then it brought you back to me, after your bout of amnesia.”
“It surely did, and I couldn't be more grateful,” she smiled, taking the hand he offered and letting him pull her to her feet.
“You certainly loved country music before you met me,” Leonard said, pulling her close and starting to gently sway to the first bars of ‘It’s Your Love’, “and Tim McGraw and Faith Hill might always have been your favourite singers, but this is our song. Yours and mine, and no one else’s. You were your own person when we first sang it together that evening down in sickbay, a whole person, a complete person, and not to forget the most amazing person I’d ever met. You couldn't have been more real, even though I confess, I sometimes suspected you to be an angel.”
The doctor leaned down to kiss her cheek so delicately, Jenny barely felt his lips on her skin, her heart brimming over with love for the man who never failed to make her feel special, finding ever new ways to show her how precious she was to him, and how his whole life revolved around her.
“And if the memories of your childhood seem as real as those of you and me, then they undeniably are,” he went on softly, moving with her in slow circles to the music. “Everything you remember being is real, just as everything you are now is.”
Jenny nodded, letting his words sink in, then rested her forehead against Leonard’s shoulder and just lost herself in the beautiful song. Their song.
And who I am now
Is who I wanted to be
And now that we’re together
I’m stronger than ever
I’m happy and free
She was still feeling unsettled by everything she’d learned today, and she’d certainly stumble upon more scary questions the more she thought about it. But for the moment, safe and loved in Leonard’s arms, she felt almost at peace, knowing that, as long as he loved her, she was going to be all right.
It’s your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can’t get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I’m under
Oh, it’s your love
When the song ended, Jenny took a step back, expecting Leonard to take her back to the couch to talk some more. But when she looked up, he gently shook his head, and she felt herself drowning in his beautiful eyes that were gazing at her with such warmth and tenderness, it nearly took her breath away. Even after all this time, even in a situation like this, he still had the power to make her heart skip a beat just by looking at her.
Of course, she knew exactly what he was doing, and why. But having his love and kindness give her a break from all the erratic and disheartening thoughts that had been threatening to overwhelm her, was certainly more than welcome.
“There’s more,” he whispered, lovingly pulling her back into his arms, as Tim McGraw’s voice filled the room once more. “So many more songs we’ve enjoyed together since you danced into my life, filling it with joy and happiness. Just try to relax a little and listen.”
I used to think that love would never find me
And the one who cares was lost somewhere in time
But when you found me I knew I’d found forever
Leonard’s arms tightened around her, and Jenny could feel his heart beating strong against her cheek.
Your sweet love saved me not a moment too soon
This time, when the song finished, she just stayed nestled into his embrace, confident that he’d put a few more on his impromptu playlist. Leonard was nothing if not creative in helping her through difficult times.
And sure enough, there was George Strait with another favourite song of hers. She’d never told Leonard this, but her heart ached a little every time she listened to the song, because the lyrics always painfully reminded her that this was exactly how the doctor saw himself.
I’m not the hero who will always save the day
Don’t always wear the white hat, don’t always know the way
I may not even be the dream you wanted to come true
Jenny raised her head, giving the doctor a tender look, mouthing, “You know you are!” and earning herself a gentle kiss on the nose, as he touched a finger to his ear, indicating that he wanted her to keep listening.
Remember that there’s someone there whose heart is always true
Someone there to help you make it through
I’ll always be the man in love with you
Leonard had stopped dancing and was looking at her intently.
“Never forget that,” he said earnestly. “Whatever life has in store for us, together, we’ll always make it through.”
Starting to move to the music again, he drew her into a soft kiss, tenderly affirming his words, and all of Jenny’s daunting thoughts suddenly seemed lightyears away. Of course, she knew that they’d be back to haunt her. She couldn't simply ignore the things she’d learned today. They’d changed everything. But just knowing that Leonard would be there when her fears and doubts returned, filled her with a sense of calm confidence. With him by her side, she was ready to face anything.
And with this reassuring thought in mind, Jenny wrapped her arms tightly around the doctor’s waist, basking in his warm embrace as the next song started to play and Travis Tritt’s words touched her heart like they never had before.
‘Cause I love you more than you’ll ever know
More than life, more than I’ve ever loved before
It’s absurd, and beyond words, I couldn't want you more
And when I try to pour my heart out to you I’m not sure it shows
That I love you more than you’ll ever know
-x-x-x-x-x-
A/N: I couldn't resist, this chapter just called for some soothing background music.
So, if you’re interested, this is
McCoy’s playlist:
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – It’s Your Love
Tim McGraw – Not a Moment Too Soon
George Strait – The Man In Love With You
Travis Tritt – More Than You’ll Ever Know
Chapter 70
Nothing mattered but the woman in his arms. Holding her, protecting her, making her feel safe and loved was all McCoy cared about with Travis Tritt singing straight from his heart and Hope nestling into his embrace with her unique brand of utter trust and unbridled affection. Feeling her pressing against him, virtually clinging to him, wriggling a little further into his arms with every swaying step to the music, nearly undid him. His own emotions in turmoil and precariously close to the surface after the day they’d had, the doctor didn’t even mind coming across as overprotective anymore. He just wanted to enfold her. All of her.
He’d promised they’d make it through anything together, and he’d meant it. In fact, he’d never been more serious about anything. That tender, loving look she’d cast him when George Strait had been singing about not being quite the hero, had touched him to the core. Lifting him up as much as weighing him down with the pressure of living up to her image of him. Although putting pressure on him was certainly the last thing Hope had intended. She just had no idea what a single look from her did to him. How it made his heart soar, seeing the endless love in her eyes, while at the same time almost crushing him under the weight of responsibility at that absolute trust showing on her face.
Hope was neither naive nor helpless. Far from it. But she had this total faith in his ability to fix anything and everything, putting him right up there with Kirk and the other ‘heroes’ aboard the Enterprise, including herself, if anyone cared to ask McCoy. He’d become used to people expecting miracles from him as a doctor, but Hope’s endearing faith was not limited to his medical skills. When she looked at him with those wide, trusting eyes, she almost made him feel like a real hero. And just the thought of disappointing her was unbearable. He’d doubtlessly do things for her that he wouldn’t even dream of trying otherwise. In a manner of speaking, Hope was his superpower.
The end of the playlist he’d hastily put together brought him back to the present, and he was glad to see that it had obviously had the desired effect. Hope seemed a lot calmer now, and when she stepped out of his embrace, smiling up at him fondly, she appeared much more at peace with herself again. At least for the time being. What more could he ask?
“How about a little snack?” the doctor suggested hopefully, his stomach suddenly reminding him that neither of them had had anything to eat since lunch, or was that breakfast? “I could fix us a quick chicken sandwich or something?”
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry at all,” she declined with a warm smile, pecking him on the cheek before draining the last of her tea and cleaning up her cup.
McCoy left it at that. Hope had been really good following his dietary guidelines lately, so skipping one meal wasn’t going to kill her.
“I’d rather just go to bed, if you don’t mind,” she continued. “Not sure if I can, but thanks to you I’m feeling much better now, so I’d like to give sleep a try. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh eye in the morning for things to start looking up again.”
“I couldn't have put it better, love” the doctor agreed, putting a gentle arm around her waist to steer her towards their sleeping area, grateful to see her so determinedly positive again. “Let’s just go to bed. Tomorrow’s a new day.”
“Oh Leonard, you don’t have to go to sleep just yet. It’s not that late,” Hope replied a little too quickly, turning around and gently, but firmly stopping him with both hands against his chest. “You go ahead and have that sandwich. I’ll be all right.”
It was clear that she didn’t want him to come to bed with her, and that stung, even more than he cared to admit. But after what she’d been through, she had, of course, every right to ask for a little space. To find herself, clear her mind, sort her thoughts, whatever she thought she needed to do. It was McCoy, who couldn't bear to let go of her for even a minute. Who longed to hold her tight and reassure himself that she was still there, solid and unharmed. But that was his problem. Not hers.
So, taking the hint, the doctor backed off, giving her another brief hug and planting a tender kiss on her forehead before releasing her from his clasp.
“All right, love. Sleep tight!”
And while Hope disappeared into the bathroom to get ready for the night, McCoy settled down on the couch with his PADD, determined to give her the space she wanted and needed, while still keeping a close eye on her. No matter how much she thought she wanted to be left alone now, she really needed to be cared for.
Mustering up all his self-restraint, the doctor didn’t even look up when he heard her return from the bathroom and slip into bed, pretending to be totally engrossed in his PADD.
“Leonard?” she called out softly, and his head flew up immediately.
“Yes, love?” he asked, fighting the urge to get up and hurry over to where she was sitting up in bed.
“Could you please,” she began hesitantly, not meeting his eye.
“Could I what?” he prompted gently, when she hadn’t said another word for almost a minute.
“It’s just that,” she started again, but trailed off once more.
“Whatever you need!” he set his PADD aside, but stayed put on the couch.
“Just don’t,” Hope went on, shaking her head, still looking for the right words.
“Anything, Jenny! But you’ll have to tell me,” McCoy said softly, relieved when she finally looked at him.
“I know it’s still early, but can you please stay here? Don’t go away!”
“Of course, I’m staying, love!” he exclaimed, blinking rapidly to keep from tearing up. “Don’t you worry, I’m not going anywhere tonight.”
The doctor’s heart plummeted, as it hit him how scared, and lost, and insecure Hope must be feeling to outright ask him to stay. Normally, if anything, she’d have encouraged him to ‘go and have fun’ or something like that, trying to assure him that she was all right, even though she quite obviously wasn’t. Not that he’d have taken her up on it, of course, but just the fact that she wasn’t even pretending to be okay, explicitly asking him not to leave her alone instead, was breaking his heart.
“Want me to come to bed after all?” he asked tentatively, wishing to offer without being pushy.
“No, no, I’m perfectly fine with you reading on the couch,” she smiled gratefully, lying down and snuggling into the covers. “I just wouldn’t want to be all by myself right now. Thank you, Leonard. For everything. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” McCoy murmured, not quite trusting his voice, his eyes glued to her back as she rolled over, facing away from him.
He didn’t even look at his PADD after that, unable to tear his gaze away from Hope lying there in their bed, only a few feet from him, yet somehow so far away. Every fibre in his body was screaming for him to go and hold her, talk to her, comfort her, be there for her. But he knew that he had to let her do this her own way. That this was the kind of support she needed most right now. Time to process everything she’d found out today in peace, while knowing that he had her back and was quietly waiting, ready to catch her the moment she started to fall.
It took a long time, and lots of fidgeting and sighing, for Hope to finally fall asleep, the doctor’s eyes never leaving her familiar form, as he tried to sift through his own thoughts and find answers to the many questions that kept arising the more he chewed over all the new facts and insights. And, of course, there was still the matter of Section 31 that he needed to discuss with Hope in more detail as soon as she was ready to deal with that on top of everything else. He really didn’t want to add to her worries, but this was too dangerous to take lightly, and he had a feeling that she hadn’t quite grasped the seriousness of the issue, what with everything else she’d had thrown at her today.
McCoy briefly thought about sleeping on the couch, or even not at all, but then decided that she wouldn’t mind him joining her in bed for the night. It was his bed, too, after all, and it wasn’t as if they’d had a fight or anything. So, when he was quite sure that she was fast asleep, he got undressed, ordered the lights out, and slid between the sheets next to her. It was the only way he’d be able to get any sleep at all tonight. He needed to feel her. Her warm, delicate body against his, for his own sake as much as hers. To be there to soothe her, when she moaned in her sleep, and, above all, when she woke up.
-x-x-x-x-x-
It would have been so easy to just stay in Leonard’s comforting arms and let him take care of her. To go on dancing and pretend that nothing had changed, that this was just another tender evening with her wonderful, loving fiancé. Everything always seemed easy when he was holding her. But this wasn’t, and she needed time to reflect on it. Space to think about it without the doctor making it seem to just go away. Because it wouldn't. She couldn’t hide forever, she had to face reality sometime. And she wanted to do that sooner rather than later. For her sake as much as Leonard’s.
He’d been terrific, of course. He always was. Loving, kind, supportive, her rock in every way. Steadfast and unwavering. But despite his endeavours to the contrary, Jenny had seen how this was wearing him down. She’d seen his eyes well up several times, watched him run tired hands over his face when he thought she wasn’t looking. Had felt his heart breaking with every fearful question she’d asked, knowing fully well that he couldn’t have all the answers, yet unreasonably and childishly expecting him to.
Despite quite obviously being shaken to the core himself, Leonard had tried to keep strong for her at all costs. And he was the strongest person she knew when it came to keeping it together for his friends’ sake or professional reasons. Or usually both. But Jenny also knew the toll it took on him, how it tore him up inside. Because no matter how crusty he appeared on the outside, there was no question that he had the softest heart. Kind, and vulnerable. So easily hurt. And today, she sadly acknowledged, she’d brought him close to breaking point.
His disappointment at her wanting to go to bed alone had been tangible, and she’d felt bad about it. But much as she would have loved some cuddles, she was grateful that he hadn’t made any move in that direction. Instead, the doctor had graciously accepted, probably even anticipated, that she needed space. The chance to reflect on this whole bizarre situation, and time alone to get her head around the fact that she’d been created rather than born and didn’t know who or what she really was anymore. Or if she was even human.
A fact that, strangely, hadn’t seemed to faze Leonard at all, his main concern apparently being to keep her safe from this Section 31. To him Jenny was still real and human enough. And with him being a doctor, that had reassured her immensely. But maybe he’d still get there. Maybe he hadn’t had enough time to really let all the news sink in yet. He’d only learned about the whole thing literally minutes before her. Yet, somehow, she didn’t actually expect him to change his mind. His reasoning had been sound enough. And paired with his treating her exactly the same way as always, it had almost convinced her of being a real person, after all.
But she needed to come to that conclusion herself. So far, she couldn’t help feeling that something was amiss. As if she were suddenly a mere part of someone else, with the rest missing. Somehow, she just didn’t feel whole anymore. Like a two-dimensional projection, no matter how often Leonard had assured her to the contrary. She was confident that she would eventually make her peace with her new self. At least she knew that was what she wanted. But it would take time to get there. To feel comfortable and complete in her own skin again.
Just as it would, once more, take all of poor Leonard’s love, and patience, and compassion, to help her through a difficult time, Jenny thought wryly, immensely grateful for the doctor’s comforting presence only a heartbeat away. And he wasn’t even complaining. Hadn’t said a word that would hint at him being fed up with her being a constant pain in the neck, perpetually causing him new worries and headache. He’d never do that. She even believed that he was genuinely glad to be there for her. Unceasingly and unconditionally.
Jenny smiled at the thought that it probably hadn’t even occurred to him that he could just walk away. That he wasn’t obligated to stay with her and face all of her struggles. Knowing that she still meant so much to him, that his feelings hadn’t changed a bit after all he’d learned about her today, made her feel a little more ‘intact’ again. He’d been worried, yes, and angry on her behalf, but neither freaked out nor disgusted, treating her with the same caring kindness he always had.
Nevertheless, she was sorry to put him through this. To draw him into yet another of her life’s messes. He didn’t need that, he had enough worries of his own. And she was supposed to make life easier for him. More carefree, less complicated. But without meaning to, she seemed to keep putting him through the wringer.
With all those different kinds of thoughts buzzing through her head, Jenny had finally fallen into troubled sleep, too exhausted to try and make sense of anything anymore. And even though giving herself a little space and going to bed alone had been her idea, she deeply appreciated the tender arm that unfailingly wrapped around her every time she woke up with a start.
x-x-x-x-x-
Continue to:
Chapter 71
Go back to:
Chapters 1-5
Chapters 6-10
Chapters 11-15
Chapters 16-20
Chapters 21-25
Chapters 26-30
Chapters 31-35
Chapters 36-40
Chapters 41-45
Chapters 46-50
Chapters 51-55
Chapters 56-60
Chapters 61-65
Or read it on AO3: Another Life
************
Disclaimer:
Nothing of or associated with Star Trek is mine – it all belongs to Paramount / ViacomCBS (or whoever else is currently holding the rights). This is a work of fanfiction, no infringement intended.
Another Life - a Star Trek fic - (Chapters 61 - 65)
Sequel to ‘On Borrowed Time’
Fandoms: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (AOS)
Pairing: McCoy x Original Female Character (Dr. Jennifer Hope)
Characters: The Crew of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)
Rating/Warnings: None
Tags: Romance, Friendship, Love, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Angst/H/C, Caring/Protective/Tender/Comforting/Happy/Grumpy/Worried McCoy
Word Count: This is a long one. Again. 😄 (71 chapters - 177k)
Read it on AO3: Another Life
Chapter 61
“Jesus, Spock! What took you so long?” McCoy barked the moment the first officer pulled his fingers off Hope’s face, darting over to where she was sitting, pale-faced and dazed, and protectively throwing his arms around her.
Condemned to inaction, not even allowed to touch her for reassurance and support while Spock and Hope had been locked in the mind-meld, McCoy had virtually been climbing the walls, one step closer to losing his mind with every passing minute. But the first officer’s instructions had been very clear in that regard.
“It has barely been five minutes, Doctor,” the Vulcan stated calmly, and to his surprise, McCoy thought he could detect actual understanding in Spock’s voice, his suspicion substantially supported by the lack of decimal places and generally rather vague specification of the time that had passed.
“Whatever,” he grumbled, the veins in his neck pulsating with agitation, then, noticing that Spock looked as close to exhausted as a Vulcan could, the doctor relented, asking more gently, “Are you all right? Both of you?”
“I’m fine Leonard, don’t worry” Hope smiled up at him tiredly, taking a deep breath and nestling deeper into his arms.
Spock simply nodded, briefly meeting McCoy’s eyes, then returned his gaze to Hope, as if studying her. Or maybe he was just trying to figure out how best to start the conversation that undoubtedly was in order now.
“Were those really my sons?” Hope beat him to it, her voice a heart-rending mixture of hope, dread, and plain disbelief.
“It seems they were, but I don’t have an explanation yet,” Spock responded earnestly, and the doctor nearly keeled over with shock.
“What are you talking about?” he demanded to know, but the first officer ignored him, the Vulcan’s eyes firmly fixed on Hope’s face.
“But how could I forget my own children?” Hope all but wailed, gripping McCoy’s arms hard and clinging on to them as if to a lifeline.
The doctor tightened his embrace, wanting nothing more than to be her safe haven, the rock she could hold on to in this bizarre and confusing situation, never mind his own stupefaction.
“You didn’t,” Spock replied, his voice as kind and reassuring as McCoy had ever heard it. “In fact, I think it was your love for them that opened that passage wide enough to let their memory seep through.”
“What passage?” McCoy blurted out, getting more confused with every word he heard, but finding himself still being ignored.
“What else did you find in that place?” Hope asked quietly, retreating further into the doctor’s arms, quite obviously needing to know, yet afraid to find out.
“What place?” McCoy asked meekly, not really expecting anyone to answer his questions anymore, just glad that Hope was at least aware enough of his presence to seek comfort in his touch and embrace.
“Do you recall anything about that place?” Spock responded to Hope’s question, sounding uncharacteristically evasive, almost as if he were reluctant to divulge too much of the information he’d just gathered, even – or especially? – to her.
“Nothing. You told me to stay behind, so I did.”
“You left her alone?” McCoy flared up incredulously, allowing the strain of being a helpless bystander to manifest as rage directed towards the Vulcan.
“So, what did you find?” Hope urged the first officer, seemingly oblivious to the doctor’s outrage.
“Plenty,” was Spock’s untypically vague answer.
Another one. McCoy was starting to worry in earnest now.
“However,” the Vulcan continued, “I’d prefer to research some things and confer with the doctor in private before going into any detail with you.”
Thank God, someone’s still aware of my existence!
“Geez! Will you stop beating about the bush?” Hope exclaimed exasperatedly, pushing away from McCoy and sounding almost petulant. “Can’t you see that I need to know?”
“And you will,” the Vulcan replied calmly. “But the information is quite extensive and rather confusing. And I don’t think your mind is ready for the whole of it yet. There must be a reason for you to have blocked all of it in the first place.”
“Still, I have a right to know. It’s my mind, isn’t it?” Hope tried again, but with less vehemence this time.
The fight clearly having gone out of her, she let McCoy pull her back into his arms, rested the back of her head against his chest, and gently squeezed his hands when he softly kissed her hair, the doctor’s heart brimming over with tender affection and the desire to just wrap her up tightly and make all of her troubles go away.
“Do you trust me?” Spock asked, sitting up even straighter, his tone serious, but his eyes warm and kind.
“Of course!” Hope answered without hesitation.
“And there’s no question you trust Dr. McCoy, so will you give me permission to consult with him first?”
“Consult about what?” she shot back promptly.
“Jenny,” the Vulcan said softly, giving no indication that his patience might be wearing thin, other than, perhaps, it being the first time the doctor had ever heard him addressing Hope by her first name. “You need to know that I have been harbouring certain suspicions ever since I learned about your past.”
“What kind of suspicions?” Hope asked, sounding completely perplexed, and McCoy was immediately alert and intrigued, too.
“Well, when Dr. McCoy expressed reasonable doubt after you’d first told us about your history, I took the liberty to check some facts, and have been doing some research and a number of experiments ever since.”
“You doubted me?” Hope turned around to raise accusing eyes to the doctor, who was busy considering the best way to kill that big-mouthed first officer.
“Not you, love,” he tried to soothe her, pulling up a chair to sit down next to her while keeping one arm firmly wrapped around her shoulders. “But I did have my doubts about Starfleet’s story. You said yourself that you can’t remember anything about your illness, that the whole leukaemia scenario doesn’t seem to add up. And I told you long ago that I couldn't find any trace of it in your blood.”
“You’re right, of course, I’m sorry,” Hope sighed, leaning over to kiss his cheek, “I didn’t mean to snap at you. This is all just so frustrating and unsettling.”
“I know, love,” the doctor murmured, touching a gentle hand to her cheek, her growing distress tearing at his heart.
“Why didn’t you say anything, Spock?” Hope asked, returning her gaze to the Vulcan.
“Because none of the facts I found were actual proof. There was no conclusive evidence. Tim McGraw, for example.”
“Tim McGraw?” Hope and McCoy repeated in unison, exchanging confused glances.
“Well, you repeatedly mentioned that he and his wife were your favourite ‘Nashville couple’, as you called them, and that you loved their music. But when I researched them, I found that both their first ‘albums’ were only released in 1993, and that they didn’t get married until 1996, all of which happened after you were allegedly put into stasis. Then I included some songs from the early 21st century in the playlist that Uhura and I prepared for you. And you recognised them all.”
Hope had been listening with bated breath, her body tense under McCoy’s touch, and the doctor could only imagine how disturbing all this new information must be for her.
“So, it’s true then? I was still around after 1991? Having kids and everything?”
All the different emotions, so plainly visible on Hope’s face, the confusion, the hope, the doubt, the fear, nearly broke the doctor’s heart, adding to his own concerns and misgivings. He’d always doubted Starfleet’s official reasons for wanting to keep Hope’s history secret, suspecting that there was more to her past that they didn’t want her – or anybody else – to know.
“Well, not necessarily,” Spock explained. “There’s a 68.7% chance that you could have heard any of the songs after you arrived in our time, making you think you still knew them from before.”
“All of them?” Hope cut in, her cheeks tinged with a dark shade of pink from the excitement of all that could possibly mean, the good as well as the bad.
“No,” the first officer continued, “that would have been my next observation. The probability of you having heard all of them in this century for the first time is no more than 1.27%.”
“Oh,” was all Hope said and McCoy thought.
The doctor’s head was spinning with all the implications and possible consequences of this revelation, and his mind kept coming back to the mystery of Hope being a mother without having born children.
Had she been in a relationship other than that with Tom? One that she’d blocked from her memory? And if so, for what reason? That thought alone opened a whole new can of worms, instantly creating images of all kinds of abuse, sending shivers of fear and impotent rage down McCoy’s spine.
Had she, by any chance, had step-children? Or was it possible that she was in fact older than her body suggested, and actually had had children without leaving any physical marks or medical proof?
“Coming back to the matter at hand,” Spock’s voice pulled the doctor back to the present, “would it be all right with you, if I filled Dr. McCoy in on everything?”
“You mean he can know, but I can’t?” Hope gave a short, disbelieving laugh.
“Well, I did loosen all your memories, but just like when you had amnesia, you need to let them come back to you unprompted, or you’ll never know what is real and what is just a product of what you’ve been told.”
“He’s right love,” McCoy agreed softly, gently turning her around to face him. “Spock’s just trying to help.”
“I know,” Hope sighed, resting her forehead against his shoulder, and the doctor tenderly stroked her hair. “It’s just so hard. It is my life we’re talking about after all. But yes, of course, I’m all right with you learning all about me.”
And turning back to the first officer, she smiled, “Go ahead, I don’t have secrets from Leonard. Just like I suppose I don’t have secrets from you anymore.”
-x-x-x-x-x-
The Vulcan raised a bemused eyebrow, but before he had the chance to say anything, Jenny quickly added, “Just kidding, Mr. Spock. I’m really grateful for what you did!”
That seemed to appease the first officer, who gave her a curt nod before addressing McCoy, “I’d like to share as much as possible with you, Doctor, and the most efficient way to do that would be to meld with you, too. Would you allow me to do that?”
Feeling Leonard grip her shoulder sharply, Jenny turned and saw that the doctor’s face seemed almost frozen in fear.
“To be honest, Mr. Spock,” he said, and Jenny could hear a slight tremble in his voice, “I don’t feel comfortable with someone poking around in my head. You know that.”
“I’m quite aware of your reluctance, Doctor. You’ve expressed your dislike of ‘Vulcan voodoo’, as you call it, numerous times. But since it was you who suggested melding with Lt. Hope in the first place, I thought you might have overcome your aversion.”
Jenny had to admit that she’d thought the exact same thing, and now wondered what the story behind Leonard’s sudden change of heart was. After all, he hadn’t seemed worried about mind-melds in the least, when he’d made the suggestion. She’d have to follow that up later, when she was alone with the doctor again.
“It would only have to be a very light, superficial meld, anyway. No poking around, as you put it,” the first officer explained, but Jenny could tell that McCoy’s mind was made up.
“I’d rather not, Spock. Unless it’s imperative.”
“It is not,” the Vulcan confirmed, “but telling you everything would take much too long. I’d have to edit, tell you only what I consider the most important facts. And, of course, I’d have to ask Lt. Hope to give us the room.”
McCoy cast Jenny a questioning glance, his eyes begging her to agree, and, of course, she immediately nodded her consent. Her heart went out to the doctor, as it dawned on her just how hard suggesting the mind-meld must have been for him. More proof of how deeply he loved her, and how far he was willing to go to help her.
“Of course, anything you suggest, Mr. Spock. I’ll leave you two to discuss whatever you found in my head,” Jenny tried to sound light-hearted, getting up and smiling lovingly at the doctor, as she patiently waited for him to finish running his omnipresent tricorder over her. “Just one more thing. Is it bad?”
The first officer took a moment to contemplate her question, then met her eyes and told her, “Truthfully, I can’t be completely sure yet, but everything considered, I really don’t think so.”
Feeling somewhat relieved by Spock’s words, Jenny hugged Leonard tightly and whispered, “I love you so much!” in his ear, before leaving the room to find a quiet spot for herself and let the events and impressions of the past hour settle.
If there was anyone who could help her solve this mystery, which had taken on a whole new dimension today, it was those two marvellous men, both of whom she would trust with her life anytime.
Chapter 62
I love you, too! More than you’ll ever know! McCoy thought fondly, following Hope with his eyes until she was almost out the door, then decided that she couldn't be left alone after what she’d just been through.
“Jenny, wait!” he called out, just in time before the doors closed behind her. “Don’t go! You really shouldn’t be alone now.”
Hope turned around and smiled, then came back to where he’d jumped up from his chair and was standing with his arms wide open for her to step in. She pressed a gentle kiss on his lips and let him hold her for a moment, hugging him tightly while he nearly crushed her, and it almost felt to McCoy as if she were trying to calm and comfort him rather than the other way round.
“We can talk later, Doctor, if you’re not comfortable to do so now,” Spock said, getting up and moving towards the door, but Hope quickly spun around to stop the Vulcan.
“No, Mr. Spock, please stay!” she exclaimed, her hands gently pushing against McCoy’s chest, clearly expecting him to let her go.
But he couldn't. She needed to be taken care of, and he needed to be there for her, hold her and talk to her. Now. She’d looked so rattled coming out of the mind-meld, and understandably so. Even if Spock had been as careful, gentle and respectful as he’d promised, the doctor had to make sure that Hope hadn’t suffered any emotional harm from having her mind probed. From having someone intrude into her most private thoughts and feelings, into her most private self. He needed to know that she didn’t feel violated in the least.
“Leonard,” she said softly, writhing in McCoy’s arms to extract herself from his embrace, “I know you want to help and protect me, but please believe me when I tell you I’m fine! And I couldn't talk to you about what’s just happened yet, anyway. I need a little time to sort this out by myself first.”
She gently took hold of his hands behind her back to bring them forward, then held them against her chest over her heart, tenderly covering them with her own.
“The one thing you can do for me right now is listen to whatever Spock wants to tell you and discuss with you. So that he can finally, finally tell me what I really want to know. What I need to know. Can you do that for me?”
“Of course, love,” the doctor murmured, still reluctant to let her go but pulling his hands out from under hers anyway.
“I promise I’ll be all right. You’ll find me in your quarters, busy making sense of everything I’ve just experienced, and eagerly waiting for the two of you to shed some light.”
With one more, swift hug and kiss, Hope turned around and hurried out the door. And this time, McCoy didn’t stop her. Going against what every cell in his body was screaming to do, he let her go. Because she was right. To actually help her, he really needed to know what was going on. He needed Spock to tell him everything.
If only he could have agreed to a mind-meld. Quick and thorough, and Hope could have stayed here. Close to him. But he’d panicked. No matter how much he knew he could trust Spock, his subconscious just wasn’t cooperating. And neither was his body. The mere thought of someone – anyone – entering his mind had almost made him hyperventilate. He simply couldn't do it. Not even for Hope.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Barely looking at anyone who passed her by in the corridors, Jenny practically flew to McCoy’s quarters, only relaxing after the doors had closed behind her. For a moment or two, she just stood there, her mind totally blank, yet overflowing with thoughts and impressions at the same time. She was standing completely still, afraid that any random move or thought might supplant something important she’d learned during the mind-meld. The feeling that every single thing, every little detail was immensely important and couldn't be lost was almost overwhelming.
And then there was this one thing she just couldn't get her head around. She was a mother. Or was she? After all, those boys, who’d meant the world to her in her dreams, hadn’t even registered in her conscious mind until recently. She had no idea how it was even possible, but if they really were her sons, what kind of mother was she anyway? What mother would simply forget her children? And why? What had become of them? Were they still alive or had she left them in the 20th century? And how was she even old enough? She sure didn’t feel a day older than twenty-five. In fact, she’d never felt more like a young, helpless girl than she did right now.
Too many questions. Too many blanks.
Jenny prayed that it was all just a bad dream, yet she longed to be this mother from the bottom of her heart. Memories were starting to surface fast, and she felt her love for the boys grow with every single one of them, even though they all were a bit of a blur. She had no context, no idea where or when those memories belonged, but all kinds of images kept flooding her mind. Laughter, and tears, and cuddles. So real, so familiar, and yet so impossible. How could she have left her kids? And how could she ever make it up to them?
Stop! she almost cried out loud.
She had to stop this steady stream of images before it overwhelmed her. There was no use getting all worked up about something that might not even be real. No, Jenny needed to wait for Leonard and Spock to give her some answers. For Leonard to hold her and keep her head from exploding. For Leonard to make this all right. For Leonard, full stop. Jenny felt she’d never needed him more than now. Hoping to calm down, she conjured up his comforting smile, his grounding touch, his soothing voice, and tried to focus on analysing the other aspects of the mind-meld.
Until Spock had come across Sammy and Phil – when had she started using their names so naturally? – in that eerie tunnel, the whole experience had actually been pleasant. It had been nice to revisit so many memories, to share them with Spock in a way she’d never be able to share them with anyone else, not even Leonard. The way Spock had experienced her past just didn’t compare to simply recounting single episodes to someone who couldn't imagine what her ‘first world’ had been like.
Leonard melding with Spock to experience this, too, would have been wonderful. The opportunity of a lifetime. He always wanted to know everything about Jenny’s past, but no matter how attentively he listened to her tales, he’d never come close to really understand. Not like a mind-meld would have made possible. But, of course, Jenny respected that he hadn’t wanted that. Although she’d really have to get to the bottom of why Spock’s suggestion had scared him so much that, for a second, he’d looked like he might pass out with fear.
He must have gone through some really traumatising experience with a mind-meld, even though Jenny had no idea where or when that might have been. Leonard had never talked about or even hinted at anything like that. But then, he wouldn’t, would he? Concerned as he always was about her well-being, Jenny often felt that he didn’t seem to care a lot about his own. That had become her responsibility. And one she took very seriously.
She’d definitely follow up the mind-meld issue once the current mystery was solved. One thing at a time, though. There was no use trying to get the doctor to deal with his own problems while he was still helping Jenny with one of hers. She knew him that well. For now, she really needed to focus on making sense of her own mind-meld experience. But while she was waiting for news from Spock and McCoy, her thoughts kept circling back to Leonard’s intense reaction.
Having felt increasingly uneasy herself, when she’d followed Spock through that winding tunnel, until he’d finally convinced her to let him go on alone, Jenny understood that a mind-meld could also be a less than pleasant experience. But although she’d certainly felt reluctant and afraid of what they might find, at no point had she felt overpowered or pressured in any way. Spock had been nothing but gentle and supportive, and she’d felt well protected the whole time. He’d thoughtfully guided her through the whole process, just like he’d guided her through that daunting bomb-defusing task on her very first mission.
No, while admittedly difficult in parts, the mind-meld hadn’t been a scary or threatening experience at all. Whatever had Leonard so terrified, must have been something else entirely. And certainly nothing to do with Spock, because in that case, the doctor would never have let her meld with him in the first place. And judging from Spock’s reaction, although obviously anticipating a certain reluctance regarding ‘Vulcan voodoo’, the first officer had seemed rather surprised by McCoy’s categorical refusal, too.
-x-x-x-x-x-
“So, please spill, Mr. Spock,” McCoy burst out as soon as he’d pushed all concerns about Hope to the back of his mind, trying to fully concentrate on what the Vulcan had to say. “What did take you so long? I was really getting worried there!”
“There was a lot to discover,” the first officer replied mildly. “A whole new life full of memories. Besides, with the human mind it’s not always easy to tell fact from fiction. And you wanted me to find out about facts, didn’t you?”
“Yes, of course. Sorry, Spock,” the doctor relented. “But this not knowing is driving me up the walls.”
“Understandable,” was the Vulcan’s short response, before his earlier words suddenly hit home.
“Wait, what do you mean by ‘a whole new life full of memories’?” McCoy was stumbling over his words. “Tell me everything, Spock! And you’d better start from the beginning!”
So the first officer filled him in, trying to be as concise as possible, and the doctor’s eyes grew wider with every word coming out of the Vulcan’s mouth.
“You’re actually suggesting that she’s a mother of two, and that those boys are, in fact, her sons?” McCoy summed up what he’d just heard, his voice audibly incredulous.
“I believe that is what I just said,” Spock confirmed, and the doctor could practically hear the sigh that the first officer skilfully suppressed.
“But how could that be? Even if, disregarding all medical proof to the contrary, she’d had a baby as young as, say, fifteen, that kid could have been no more than five years old when she was put into stasis.”
“As I have already told Lt. Hope, I do not have an explanation yet. That is why immediate historical research is essential, and I presume that you would like to help me.”
“You bet I would, Spock,” McCoy eagerly announced, ready to get going at once. “Where do we start? What’s your theory? You do have a theory, don’t you?”
“Indeed, I have several,” the Vulcan nodded. “But I haven’t yet informed you about everything, Doctor.”
“What else, Spock?” McCoy glared at the first officer. “You told me she has two teenage sons, that Dakunia is somehow involved in all this, what else can there be?”
Exasperated, the doctor felt himself growing annoyed with Spock, fully aware of how unfair it was to vent on his friend, but helpless to stop himself. Spock was only the messenger, trying to help. But thankfully, the Vulcan had known him long enough not to take offence at his outbursts. Or at least the doctor hoped so.
“When I told you I saw Hope with her sons,” Spock went on seemingly unmoved by McCoy’s desperate rant, “I failed to mention that it wasn’t the Hope we know I saw, but an older version of her. A version that seems to have lived a completely different life.”
The doctor felt his jaw drop at that last revelation.
“So, you’re saying our Hope has a counterpart in another reality, to whom she is somehow, magically connected and whose memories she shares? Or that our Hope didn’t come from another time but another universe?”
Just saying the words ‘another universe’ out loud sent unpleasant shivers down McCoy’s spine and made his hair stand on end.
“I believe either is possible, certainly to be considered in our investigations, even though I cannot see magic being involved,” Spock replied, then, as if reading the doctor’s mind, added, “But whatever universe it might include, rest assured that it’s not the universe you, the captain, Lt. Uhura, and Mr. Scott had the dubious pleasure to spend some time in. Remember, I have met your counterparts, and neither our Hope, nor the Hope I have encountered during the mind-meld were in any way similar to those ‘people’.”
Despite himself, McCoy had to smile at the way Spock almost spat out the word ‘people’, clearly not impressed with their personalities and behaviour, even though he’d proclaimed that he’d found them ‘quite refreshing’ at the time. Apparently, the Vulcan wasn’t above teasing his friends now and then.
“I’m relieved to hear that,” the doctor sighed, looking expectantly at the Vulcan. “So, what are we going to do now?”
“I suggest we consult the ship’s history banks, in case Hope came from our own universe’s past after all.”
“But you already did that when she first told us, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I did. But with the additional knowledge we have now, we might still find something new there.”
“Indeed, I do, Doctor. As far as I remember, one of the women sharing Hope’s name went missing for a few days in 2016. It might be a good idea to start our investigations there.”
“2016… She would have been forty-five then!” McCoy murmured, his head spinning with the sheer craziness of the idea, trying and failing to picture Hope at nearly his age. “God, even Sherlock Holmes with his sublime deductive skills would throw in the towel at that. You know, the …”
“I know, Doctor, I am familiar with the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,” Spock cut him short.
“Of course, you are,” the doctor mumbled, slightly miffed.
Spock raised an eyebrow and cast him what might almost have been a long-suffering glance.
“Why don’t you check in on Lt. Hope, which I expect you are anxious to do, while I select and access the required computer banks?” the Vulcan suggested softly. “I would advise you, however, not to tell her anything we’ve just discussed until we have any of it verified.”
Biting back the cutting retort that was on the tip of his tongue, McCoy gratefully nodded at Spock, then rushed out of his office to find Hope.
Chapter 63
McCoy raced along the corridors with a worried frown plastered to his face, people jumping aside to let him pass, thinking he was on his way to an emergency, when, in fact, he just couldn't get to his quarters fast enough to check on Hope. The whole way, he tried to think of words of comfort and reassurance, anything he could say to ease her pain and confusion at learning that, against all odds, and certainly against all medical and physical evidence, she might actually be a mother. And not just that, but a mother who seemed to have abandoned and forgotten all about her children.
Just the idea was so absurd and farfetched, it would have made him laugh out loud, had it not been so unsettling and downright scary. Hope being a mother, however medically impossible, he could imagine. She had all the warmth, the caring, the love. And, thinking back on the way she’d treated the kids they’d encountered since he’d met her, she’d certainly known what she was doing. He’d thought she was a natural at the time, daydreaming about a life where she was Joanna’s mother, but now he wondered if it hadn’t been much more than just aptitude.
However, the idea of Hope abandoning her kids, for whatever reason, was inconceivable. She wouldn’t – couldn't – do that in a million years. The doctor was one hundred percent sure of that. She’d rather die than let any harm come to the people she loved. Or to anyone, for that matter. She’d proven it time and again. It was one of the things he loved and adored most about her, even though it was, of course, also one of the things that caused him the most worry. No, the only plausible explanation was that this was all just some fabrication of a mind that had spent too much time – centuries – in stasis.
He was probably just getting stressed out over nothing. McCoy really hoped so. But until they managed to find tangible proof either way, he had to help Hope get to terms with all the implications and possibilities. She needed him to keep her sane, and calm, and confident that she hadn’t done anything wrong, that she was still the same, decent woman she’d been yesterday. Because she was. Whatever this was about, she was nothing but kind, loyal, and responsible. He didn’t have the slightest doubt about that. Even if any of this were actually true, there had to be an explanation that would prove her still to be the woman he loved. Had always loved, and would love forever.
By the time he entered his quarters, the doctor still hadn’t come up with anything helpful to say, but, in the end, it didn’t matter, because he found Hope fast asleep on the bed, still in her uniform, her boots carelessly discarded on the floor next to her. To McCoy’s relief, she looked peaceful and relaxed, and when she didn’t react to his tentatively stroking her face, he decided to let her sleep and go back to Spock.
Absentmindedly picking up her boots and putting them neatly to the side, as always fascinated by how small they looked in his hands, the doctor stayed for another couple of minutes, just gazing at his darling Hope. How many times had he watched her sleep? In sickbay, on missions, right here in this bed. Beautiful, enchanting Hope. His heart did the same little flip it always did, when he was reminded of how lucky he was to have her. To be able to take care of her. Marvelling at being the one she’d chosen to give her heart to.
Regarding her now, she looked, more than ever, like this sweet, young girl, barely a woman, triggering every protective instinct in him. Maybe there was a mystery surrounding her, maybe there wasn’t. But if there was, McCoy was pretty sure that Starfleet was somehow involved. They’d put incredible strain on Hope once, by burdening her with this unnecessary secrecy about her past. And he wouldn’t be surprised, if they’d done it again. If there was something bigger behind it, something that would explain all the secrecy in the first place.
Taking the covers from his side of the bed, the doctor tenderly pulled them up around her shoulders, silently promising that he’d find out the truth, no matter what it took. Then he bent down to softly kiss her forehead and quietly left his quarters, ordering the lights out before he did.
-x-x-x-x-x-
When McCoy returned to his office, Spock briefly glanced up from the computer screen, where he was speed-reading through a whole stack of colourful record tapes.
“How is Lt. Hope?” he asked, removing one tape and replacing it with another.
“She’s asleep,” the doctor replied, coming to stand next to the Vulcan and trying to figure out what Spock was reading, as the words scrolled by far too quickly for him to make out.
“Good,” the first officer said, “a mind-meld, especially when it is the first one, can be a thoroughly exhausting experience.”
McCoy decided not to give that information too much thought. He had more urgent matters to worry about.
“All right, Mr. Spock, what have you found so far?” he all but snapped, his impatience once again getting the better of him.
“Well, from the limited historical documentation we have access to on the Enterprise, which, unfortunately, doesn’t include any visual material, I can confirm that the Jennifer Hope who went missing for two days in 2016, indeed had two sons named Samuel and Philip.
“So, she came from our own universe, after all,” the doctor murmured, for some reason feeling immensely relieved by the fact, even though the realisation that the two boys weren’t just a figment of Hope’s imagination was rather disturbing.
“Not necessarily, Doctor,” the Vulcan corrected him. “I said ‘who went missing for two days’. After that, she apparently returned to her family and lived to be 97.8 years old.”
McCoy frowned in confusion.
“Do we know why she went missing? Where she spent those two days?”
“Unfortunately not,” Spock replied, and he almost sounded frustrated. “According to this news article, it happened during a trip to New York City with a friend, where she failed to return from the ladies’ room in a restaurant after dinner, then claimed to simply have woken up in bed in her hotel room, completely unaware that she had missed almost two days. Her friend had gone to the nearest police station and reported her missing immediately, but not a lot of effort was put into the search, as the common procedure at the time seems to have been to wait for 36 hours before taking action. The headline says ‘Abducted by Aliens?’, but Ms. Hope is quoted to ‘not believe in such things’ and apparently submitted herself to a hospital to check for any health issues or evidence of having been in an accident or subjected to any crime or drugs.”
Under different circumstances, the doctor might have been amused by Hope not believing in aliens. But as it were, he turned another shade of pale with every word Spock said, imagining all sorts of horrors that she might have run into before, once again, waking up alone and confused, not in another time, but still in a foreign country far from home. Why did she always have to go through such things? If it had even been her, of course, but after her time in stasis and her brush with amnesia, this sounded suspiciously like something that would happen to Hope. It was a long shot, basing their assumptions on a single article from an ancient newspaper, of course, but something deep down told him that it had been Hope. His Hope. And if his years on the Enterprise had taught him anything, it was that his gut feeling was usually right, and that anything was possible.
“But if she returned after less than two days, and lived out her life in the 21st century, how can she be here?” he wondered out loud, meeting Spock’s eyes and looking at him imploringly. “Please tell me that you’ve come up with a different, logical answer than I just have.”
The Vulcan hesitated slightly.
“Well, disregarding all possibilities involving other universes, there is only one explanation I can think of, but which you will not like,” he said softly. “I can only assume that she will return to her past at some point in time that is still ahead of us.”
“When she’s forty-five,” McCoy whispered, blindly grabbing for a chair and sitting down, the thought of losing Hope, even twenty years from now, nearly killing him.
Spock looked at him with a very un-Vulcan expression of compassion on his face, and for a brief moment, the doctor almost thought he was going to give him a hug, but in the end the first officer settled on putting a comforting hand on McCoy’s shoulder.
“Why can’t she remember anything about her life after 1991? And how is she not forty-five years old now, anyway? I mean, just look at her! Nothing fits, nothing adds up, we’re missing something big here, Spock, but what?”
“I must agree with you, Doctor,” the Vulcan responded, lifting his hand off the doctor’s shoulder and pushing back his chair. “But at the moment, I’m afraid I cannot give you any answers. I have already put in a request for more detailed records of the years in question to Earth’s historical archives, but they will take a few days to arrive.”
“God, what am I supposed to tell Hope when she wakes up?” McCoy buried his face in his hands, feeling terribly helpless. “She’s confused enough as it is, and she’s counting on us to come up with answers.”
“I suggest you tell her about her namesake going missing in 2016, and that we’re looking into it,” the first officer advised. “Maybe it will trigger some kind of memory. I also recommend we take this to Captain Kirk. Since Admiral Dakunia seems to be somehow involved, I assume that he knows far more about all this than we do.”
“Yeah, you’re right Spock. Jim needs to know,” the doctor nodded his head emphatically. “And we should definitely contact Dakunia and demand that he come clean about this whole sordid affair. I’ve always felt that Starfleet hasn’t given us all the facts and is holding back on the truth. Might they also be responsible for her not remembering?”
“Doctor,” the first officer looked thoughtful, “Could any of her special medication cause memory repression?”
McCoy looked appalled.
“Well, there’s something she takes for her eyes, and something to strengthen her bones, but they have no psychosomatic components whatsoever. There are also some special food supplements, but no. And then there’s...” he hesitated, not even wanting to pursue the thought.
“Yes Doctor?” Spock prompted, instantly picking up on McCoy’s reluctance to voice his suspicion.
“Some hormonal stuff she needs to adjust to this time that could have side effects such as depression or mood swings, but luckily, Hope doesn’t suffer from either. And even if it did affect her in some minor way, it could never completely block certain parts of her memory.”
“Are you sure? Isn’t that a medication explicitly designed to her individual needs by Starfleet Medical?” the Vulcan persisted.
“Well, it is, but that would be completely unethical. Totally unacceptable!” the doctor was outraged.
“But possible?”
“I guess so, yes,” he conceded, feeling his hackles rise at the mere possibility.
“We are talking about someone in Starfleet wanting to hide something,” Spock went on, looking unfazed by what he was implying. “They might not be too concerned about ethics. Could you find out?”
“You bet I could,” McCoy growled. “I’m going to the lab this instant. But I’d better not find anything! I’ve analysed the substance before, of course. I’d never give my patients anything that I haven’t verified. But now I wonder if I looked closely enough. I could never forgive myself, if I failed to check for some hidden component that I just wasn’t expecting. I’m certainly going to double-check!”
-x-x-x-x-x-
To his great relief, McCoy couldn't find anything untoward with Hope’s medication, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that there was something very wrong going on, and that Starfleet – or at least someone in Starfleet – knew exactly what that was.
While Spock went to see the captain to inform him about everything that had transpired during and after the mind-meld, the doctor returned to his quarters. Hope was awake now, jumping up from where she’d been curled up on the couch the moment he stepped through the door, and McCoy’s heart sank at the expectant look on her face.
“Leonard!” she exclaimed, eager eyes fixed on his. “I’ve been waiting here for ages! What have you found?”
“Come on, love,” he smiled, stalling for time as he wrapped one arm around her waist and gently steered her back over to the couch. “Let’s sit down. It’s not much, but we found something interesting.”
“Oh tell me already, don’t keep me in suspense!” Hope groaned, but obediently sank down into the couch next to him.
“All right,” McCoy exhaled deeply and, seeing her eyes tremble with fearful anticipation, couldn't help taking another moment to hug her tight and kiss her hair, which she bore with a rather impatient sigh. “Spock found out that one Jennifer Hope, whose age and other dates conform with yours, had a strange experience on a trip to New York City with her friend Nicole in the year 2016.”
“2016?” Hope repeated dazedly, her voice trembling in time with her eyes now. “What kind of experience? I’ve never been to New York, and I never had a friend called Nicole!”
“Maybe you did then,” the doctor softly suggested, gently tracing the frown lines on her forehead with his thumb. “Is there anyone you know by that name? Some acquaintance who might have become a closer friend over the years?”
He’d really hoped that the name would trigger some kind of memory, that there would be some spark of recognition.
“No one I can think of,” she shook her head. “Unless you count someone who I went to kindergarten with and never saw or heard from again after that. But anyway, what strange experience were you talking about?”
“Well, apparently this Jennifer Hope took a trip to the restroom in a restaurant during dinner with her friend, and didn’t show up again until almost two days later in her hotel room without any recollection of where she’d spent the time she’d been unaccounted for.”
“Go on!” Hope’s voice was barely more than a whisper, prompting McCoy to protectively gather her in his arms once more.
The need to hold and protect her had always been strong, but now, with the possibility of a time limit to their happiness, he felt like holding on to her and never let go again.
“Then she returned home to her family and lived to be almost a hundred years old,” the doctor concluded softly.
“So, what makes you think it might have been me? She was only gone for two days, and I’m not anywhere close to forty-five, am I?”
“No, you’re certainly not,” McCoy agreed, cupping her sweet, youthful face in his hand, “but this woman had two sons called Samuel and Philip.”
Hope’s eyes went wide, and she inhaled sharply, but when she opened her mouth, no words came out. So the doctor just silently held her, giving her time to digest all this new and disturbing information.
“But still,” she muttered when she’d found her voice again, “what you’re basically saying is that I’m forty-five and left my kids behind?”
“All I’m saying is that a woman with your name and date of birth went missing,” the doctor replied, his chest tightening at the shock and pain in Hope’s eyes. “But no matter how, or if at all, you’re connected to her, she never abandoned her children!”
McCoy felt Hope sag against him, sensing her dismay and confusion as clearly as if they were his own, whishing he could make all of this go away just by letting her hide in his arms forever.
“So, you don’t remember a friend called Nicole, but do you remember anything else apart from the boys?” the doctor probed gently.
“No, nothing really,” Hope sighed. “I feel I might have been a teacher, but I can’t actually remember it. Can you tell me more about this woman?”
“I’m sorry, love,” McCoy shook his head, “there’s not much to go on besides this one article in the Enterprise’s computer banks. We’ll have to wait for the data Spock requested from Earth’s historical archives. But even then, we really shouldn’t tell you too much, since, like with your amnesia, it’s vital that you remember things by yourself.”
They fell silent again, both of them lost in their own thoughts, the doctor tenderly stroking Hope’s hair and rubbing her back, as she snuggled ever closer into his embrace.
After a couple of minutes, McCoy decided to bring up something else.
“Spock also mentioned that Admiral Dakunia was there when you came out of stasis in this century. Or at least shortly after. That he helped you with your decision to join Starfleet.”
“Oh my God, you’re right!” Hope exclaimed, pulling back to look at the doctor in astonishment. “I’d completely forgotten about that. Somehow everyone looked the same when I woke up. He did seem familiar at the Academy, but I never realised where I’d seen him before. To be honest, everything about waking up and the immediate time after is rather hazy. It was a scary time, hard to accept that this was my new reality, and I try not to think back to that time too much.”
“I understand,” McCoy said softly, pulling her back into his arms, his heart breaking at the thought of her going through all of that on her own.
How he wished he could have been there for her from the start!
“Spock’s requested records of the late 20th and early 21st century will shed some light,” he murmured against her hair, “and, with Jim’s help, we’re hoping to finally get the whole truth from Dakunia, so that we can put an end to all this speculation and uncertainty. I’d much rather make wedding plans with you instead.”
“You still want to marry me? Even though you don’t know who I really am anymore?” Hope asked, and it hurt the doctor to hear the genuine surprise in her voice.
“What kind of question is this?” he shot back a little more forcefully than intended. “Of course I still want to marry you! Listen, Jenny, nothing can change the way I feel about you. Not even the most mysterious of mysteries. And I know exactly who you are. You’re the most amazing, wonderful, brilliant, and kind woman I’ve ever met. And even though I can’t for the life of me understand why you agreed to marry this old country doctor, there’s nothing I want more than to be your husband. To love you and take care of you for the rest of my life.”
Hope gazed at him for a long moment, her eyes filling up at his fervent speech, yet not seeming quite convinced.
“You’re aware that I might be an old woman now?” she chuckled, but her attempt at a joke came out as a rather serious question.
“Still younger than me, so that’s hardly old,” McCoy admonished with a good-natured smile. “But you know that I’ve always been drawn to your wisdom and maturity.”
It was true, he’d always felt her to be much wiser than her young years.
“And it certainly wouldn’t surprise me in the least, if you were a mother. You have all the wonderful qualities.”
“Perhaps we’re really not too far apart in age,” Hope mused, sounding more upbeat and confident again. “Maybe that’s why our apparent age-difference was never of consequence to us.”
“Maybe,” the doctor drawled, remembering the many misgivings he’d had about their age-difference for so long, but deciding that now was not the time to bring that up. “And although I’m far from complaining about your perfect, delightfully young body, you know that it’s not the reason I fell for you. At least I hope you do.”
All of a sudden, McCoy’s desire to comfort and reassure Hope turned into a very different, but no less urgent desire. And from the way she pressed against him, her hands starting to worm their way under his shirt, eager to touch skin, it seemed she felt exactly the same way.
“If there is such a thing as soulmates, love,” he breathed against her lips, more than happy to let go of all troubling and unsettling thoughts for the moment, “that’s us.”
Chapter 64
Jenny was lying in the dark, her thoughts going round in circles inside her head, Leonard’s solid presence against her back, his arms tightly wrapped around her, the only thing keeping her from going insane, his even breathing and occasional gentle snore soothing her like no meditation tape ever could.
Despite having had enough sleep this afternoon already, she’d dozed off for a moment after their exquisite lovemaking, but now she was as wide awake as anyone could be, her thoughts ricocheting between fearful speculations of what might lie ahead of her, and tender memories of only minutes ago.
Making love to Leonard, and having him make love to her, was always glorious. But tonight, he’d really tried to outdo himself. And successfully so, she smiled to herself, sighing contentedly and backing up even closer against his chest, revelling in the way his arms closed a little tighter around her every time she moved, his endearing protectiveness, even in his sleep, never failing to fill her heart with a kind of love she hadn’t known existed before she’d met the doctor.
It had been one of their mind-blowing nights, with Leonard being unfailingly considerate even in the throes of passion. His mild dirty talk – toned down for her sake, no doubt – and gentle swearing, always such a turn-on and so different from the way he was outside of bed, had been hotter and more erotic than ever. His touch remaining gentle and tender, even as he loved her as roughly and possessively as she craved him to. A predator who could make you feel safe and cherished while ravaging you in the most delicious way.
But she felt there had been more to it tonight. The urgency and intensity of his lovemaking, the way he’d looked at her, held her, almost as if he were afraid it could be the last time. Now there was a really frightening thought. Was he afraid of losing her? And why? She was aware that he probably hadn’t told her everything. Spock had made it very clear that she would have to remember the details on her own. But she’d felt that Leonard was really worried, that he wanted to protect her from something he knew. But what did he know that she didn’t?
Stop imagining things! Jenny admonished herself. He’s always worried, this was just his way of showing you how much he loves you, no matter what.
It sure had taken her mind off everything else, just as he’d probably intended in the first place, if she knew him at all. And just what he’d needed, too. Because it was always their troubles, their problems, their worries, never hers, she thought affectionately.
Before Leonard, Jenny had never thought it possible that anyone could take her fears, her pains, her worries to heart the way he did. But he’d always taken everything concerning her very personally. Even long before they’d been in a relationship. She vividly remembered the night she’d told him about that unpleasant experience with her friend’s father, smiling at the memory of how the doctor had got all worked up about it.
And the night after in the cave. How careful he’d been not to do anything that might even remotely be considered indecent. And yet, how tenderly he’d ended up holding her. How safe and protected she’d felt in his arms that night. How geborgen. And how unspeakably happy. It was still one of her most treasured memories, one of the most perfect moments of her life, sending the warmest, most loving feelings through her whole being every time she recalled it.
And right now, Jenny was feeling the same way. Sure, she was still scared of all the things she might find out about herself, her past, afraid of the hurt, the emotional fallout, and that Leonard might be disappointed or worse. But no matter what might come to light, she just didn’t see him turning away from her in disgust. He even still wanted to marry her, convinced that there was nothing he could find out about her that would change his mind. Or his feelings for her. There hadn’t been the slightest hesitation in his voice when he’d said that. Quite the contrary, he’d been actually stung by her questioning it.
She simply knew that he’d always stand by her, always protect and help her, absolutely certain that his love was strong enough to overcome anything. That she could always count on him no matter what. Because even without a mind-meld, Leonard seemed to see right into her soul. He might tell her how beautiful she was all the time, and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t love to hear that from him. But it was clear that he really saw past her looks, past her body, and that he loved what he saw underneath even more. By far the greater compliment and filling her with a strong sense of gratitude.
Gratitude to fate for bringing them together, for giving her a place in his heart and in his life. Because whatever lay ahead of her, she’d manage with him by her side. Leonard always knew what to do. He’d even come up with the idea of the mind-meld, fully prepared to face and overcome his own fears for her. As long as she was with him, she’d be safe. It had always been like that. He was her guardian angel.
-x-x-x-x-x-
McCoy was sifting through reports and supply requests in sickbay, his mind only half on the task, a constant stream of questions and theories seeming to circulate through his body in his bloodstream and ending up in a tight knot in his belly.
When he’d woken up that morning, wrapped around Hope’s delicate, familiar frame, he’d experienced a blissful moment of serenity, his body and mind still tingling with the heavenly pleasures of the evening before. But within seconds, it had all come back to him, and Hope’s eyes, trying so hard to conceal her inner turmoil, had of course only fuelled the churning in his stomach.
“Thank you for always being there for me,” she’d said in that small voice she unconsciously used when she was feeling afraid and insecure, twisting his heart.
“Where else would I be, love?” he’d asked, gently cupping her face in his hand and gazing at her intently, needing her to understand that he would never, ever, turn his back on her, his chest tightening at the almost guilty look on her face.
“I know, I’m sorry,” she’d chuckled, briefly closing her eyes as she’d leaned into his touch, a gesture so endearing and familiar, he was nearly washed away by the huge wave of tenderness it generated. “It’s just, I never meant for my silly flashbacks to turn into such a big deal. But, boy, am I ever glad to have you along for the ride!”
“Never apologise for needing me,” he’d replied, almost crushed by the sudden desire to simply wrap her up and keep her safe, then added with a smile, as he remembered what she’d told him before Iridis. “I might not be able to, or even want to, protect you from living your life, but I can sure as hell be by your side every step of the way. Maybe you still don’t get how serious I am about you, how important you are to me. And maybe you never will. But believe me when I say that being there for you is my reason for living. All I want is for you to be happy and safe.”
He might have been a bit over-emotional, a little over-dramatic there, but judging from Hope’s expression and the passionate kiss that followed, his words had been exactly what she’d needed to hear at the time. Something to hold on to, the rock to cling to, throughout the rapids of her past and whatever they might bring to the surface with every new memory that emerged.
Seeing how flustered and on edge she was, McCoy had suggested taking her off duty for the day, wanting her to take it easy, but she’d quickly convinced him that, if he could work his shift, then so could she. Besides, he couldn't disagree when she’d pointed out that the best she could hope for until Spock’s requested data arrived, was to be too busy to allow her mind to dwell on all kinds of constantly changing, increasingly absurd speculations.
In typical Hope manner, while they’d been getting dressed, she’d even made him laugh by coming up with silly jokes about her situation.
“Just imagine,” she’d told him, eyes wide in mock-amazement, “if I actually were forty-five, I’d be older than the captain!”
Then she’d squinched up her face in that adorable way she had whenever a particularly funny thought struck her, and the doctor’s heart had melted when he’d heard genuine giggles coming out of her mouth.
“And even better,” she’d snorted, falling into his arms and laughing so hard, all he’d been able to do was hold her and lovingly nuzzle her hair, until she’d recovered enough to speak again. “I’d actually be old enough to be Pavel’s mother!”
McCoy smiled at the memory. Trust Hope to find something hilarious in any situation, some reason to be cheerful, even when her whole life as she knew it was threatening to fall apart.
-x-x-x-x-x-
It was early afternoon, when Kirk and Spock showed up in his office, their faces, no, make that Jim’s face, serious and grim. Without preamble, the captain plonked himself down into the chair opposite the doctor’s, while the first officer remained hovering in the background.
“Would you have told me eventually, Bones?” Kirk asked in an accusing tone, the irritation plain on his face. “Or was I just lucky that you got Spock involved?”
McCoy opened his mouth to answer, but the captain held up a hand to silence him and, heaving a sigh, went on, “Anyway, I sent a message to Dakunia requesting complete clarification of the situation last night, and his reply and offer of a subspace conference at 1500 hours just came in.”
“That fast?” the doctor muttered, once again impressed by Jim’s ability to get quick results. “Your request must have really struck a nerve!”
“Well,” the captain grinned smugly, his earlier irritation giving way to sincere concern for his friend and Hope, “I might have implied that I’m not happy at all with more mysteries regarding Hope coming to light, and that I wouldn’t hesitate to go through all the official channels and make this a very public issue, if he failed to co-operate.”
“Good on you, Jim!” McCoy smiled, feeling immensely blessed to have the unfailing support of friends like Kirk and Spock. “I’ll go get Hope.”
“Don’t!” the captain stopped him. “Not just yet. Spock and I have decided to talk to Dakunia alone first. Just the three of us.”
“We have no idea what the admiral is going to tell us, Doctor,” the first officer spoke up, and the doctor nodded reluctantly. “Nor do we know if he is planning to tell us the whole truth this time. I believe it would be better not to expose Lt. Hope to his explanations before we have a chance to verify them.”
“You’re right, Spock,” McCoy agreed with a sigh, grateful for the Vulcan’s foresight and touched by his thoughtfulness, then chuckled dryly, “I’d better try to stay out of Hope’s way until then, because she’ll know something’s up the moment she sees me.”
“How fortunate then, that she will be ‘tied up’, as you’d say, in a meeting of her own until at least 1700 hours today,” the first officer said with his straightest Vulcan face. “I’ve just asked her and her colleagues to help me with a particularly urgent linguistic matter, which has only come up this afternoon.”
Kirk and McCoy turned to look at Spock as one, the doctor searching the Vulcan’s face for any trace of smugness while the captain beamed at him with unconcealed admiration.
“You’re a sly fox, Mr. Spock,” McCoy muttered under his breath, feeling a pang of deep affection for his friend. “Why do I keep underestimating you?”
“Indeed, why do you, Doctor?” Spock replied, raising a quizzical eyebrow and allowing the corners of his mouth to curl into the merest hint of a smile before turning around and making to leave sickbay with a polite nod at Kirk.
“Indeed, why do you, Bones?” the captain echoed, his eyes twinkling with mirth as he clapped an amused hand on his friend’s back, then followed on his first officer’s heels, calling over his shoulder, “See you at 1500 hours in the main briefing room!”
-x-x-x-x-x-
McCoy couldn't remember feeling this nauseous with nerves since his finals at medical school. But sitting here in the briefing room now, waiting to hear whatever Dakunia had to tell them, it was as if his stomach had been turned inside out. When Jim offered to pour him coffee, it was all he could do not to throw up in the captain’s face.
The sheer number of possibilities of what he was about to learn, all the atrocities Starfleet might have put Hope through, was doing his head in. He would have liked to get up and pace, but he needed to keep calm, and his wits about him for Jenny’s sake. He had to be at his most alert, prepared to hear all sorts of incredible stories and excuses, and be able to sniff out half-truths, maybe even downright lies.
Considering all that he’d found out with Spock’s help so far, he couldn't even begin to imagine what might be a plausible explanation. How any of this could turn out making sense at all. Of course, he’d come across the most incredible phenomena out here in space, things he’d never have thought possible, had he not seen them with his own eyes. And he was well aware that there were still way more things beyond his comprehension than there were cells in his body.
He knew that nothing was impossible, and that things were rarely as they seemed. But he also knew from the bottom of his heart that there was nothing fake or deceptive about Hope. That she was as real, sincere and straightforward as anyone could be. That however she’d really ended up in this century, and he’d always suspected that this unconvincing leukaemia story was not the true reason, would come as much as a surprise to her as it would to him.
It was up to him to make sure Dakunia didn’t fob them off with more fabricated stories. Hope was depending on him to find out the whole truth this time. To get Dakunia to admit everything, so she could finally make sense of all her flashbacks and déjà vus and stop worrying about her sanity. Whatever the real story behind all this, the only thing that really mattered was that she was here now. Healthy, happy, successful. And wonderful. He would do everything in his power to help her get to terms with whatever she’d have to deal with. Whatever it took to help her finally leave the past behind and move on.
She might never be the same again, of course. The missing pieces of her past would certainly change her in ways he couldn't yet predict. But they couldn't change her personality, the amazing person she was. Nothing could change her love of life, her brilliance, her kindness. And he dearly hoped that it wouldn’t change her love for him. Or take her away from him. Because no matter how well he understood that she might want to go back to her family one day, how much more her sons certainly needed her than he did, just the idea of losing her made it almost impossible for him to breathe.
Rubbing his face with shaking hands, vaguely aware of Kirk’s concerned glances, he pulled himself back to the present, forcing his brain to drop all unhelpful thoughts and stop expecting the worst. Especially, since he really had no idea what the actual truth behind all this might turn out to be. He needed to get his act together for the upcoming conversation with Dakunia. For Hope’s sake.
Anything for Hope, he whispered inaudibly, as the monitor in the middle of the briefing room table flickered to life.
Chapter 65
“Gentlemen,” Admiral Dakunia greeted them from the screen, looking tired and rather apprehensive himself, much to McCoy’s satisfaction, although the doctor in him wasn’t exactly proud of the feeling.
“Admiral,” the three officers returned the greeting, and Kirk added a polite, “Thank you for coming back to us so quickly!”
“You didn’t exactly leave me a choice there, did you?” the admiral frowned. “Not if I wanted to keep Hope safe, anyway.”
“Excuse me?” the captain asked, sounding as perplexed as McCoy felt at Dakunia’s statement.
“You heard me right, Jim,” the admiral sighed. “You have no idea what you’re getting into here. The sleeping tiger you’re about to wake. This is not about keeping secrets from you. Or her. This is about protecting Hope.”
“By keeping her in the dark about her own past? About who she really is?” McCoy blurted out, feeling even more unsettled now that Dakunia claimed to be concerned for Hope’s safety, indicating that she was in some kind of danger.
The admiral looked from the doctor to Kirk and Spock, and then back at McCoy.
“Exactly,” he said eventually. “Although I can see how that would be difficult to understand. But believe me, gentlemen, you don’t want to open that particular can of worms. It’s a Pandora’s box. You’ll have to trust me there. Like you, I only have Hope’s best interests at heart.”
“If you expect us to believe that,” the doctor scoffed, more than mistrustful of Dakunia’s motives, “you’ll have to do better than that. Just tell us! What’s so terrible about her past, what happened to her, what did she do, that you felt you needed to suppress her memories?”
“We never did that!” the admiral exclaimed, looking genuinely appalled, and McCoy briefly wondered, if this could really all be an act. “In fact, it’s completely beyond me how she could even have memories - suppressed or otherwise – from after 1991. She wasn’t there!”
“That’s not what we found,” Kirk took over again. “We have evidence that she lived on quite happily, well into old age, with only a two-day gap in 2016. Care to explain that?”
Dakunia heaved another sigh.
“You don’t understand,” he sounded exasperated now. “Yes, I kept that from you. But it’s not what you think, I did it for Hope. And we certainly never did anything to supress her memories. We simply assumed she’d only remember her life up to her physical age. That she might have memories after that didn’t even occur to us!”
“You are talking in riddles, Sir, as the human expression goes,” Spock spoke up, clearly sensing that Kirk’s and McCoy’s rather emotional approach wasn’t getting them anywhere. “May I ask you to be more precise?”
The admiral nodded reluctantly.
“All right,” he muttered under his breath, “never mind Pandora or that sleeping tiger. You’ve asked me for the truth about Hope, and I’ll give you as much as I can. This whole matter is strictly classified, after all.”
“Oh please, don’t hide behind the ‘classified’ excuse,” McCoy cut in, getting tired of watching Dakunia beating around the bush, stalling for time. “Surely, Hope would be given access to her own files, if she requested it? Why not just tell us the whole truth now and save us the trouble of opening an official investigation?”
“You might want to think twice before doing anything rash, Doctor,” the admiral replied, sounding calmer than he looked, his intense gaze somewhere between a warning and a plea. “Unless you wish Hope to live the life of a lab rat or worse. Because that’s what I’ve been trying to prevent all this time.”
McCoy’s jaw dropped.
The life of a lab rat? What’s the man even talking about?
But then Hope’s allegedly cured leukaemia, which inexplicably hadn’t left the slightest trace in her system, suddenly came to mind, as well as her mysterious immunity to that nasty virus, an explanation for which he still had to find in her blood, and the doctor felt his own blood run cold.
“I’ve come to know Hope as a very bright and lovely young woman,” Dakunia went on, “and I wouldn’t want to see her unhappy any more than you do, gentlemen. So, let’s make a deal. I tell you as much as I possibly can, and you drop all further investigation into this matter for the sake of your lieutenant.”
McCoy looked uncertainly at Kirk, his heart pounding hard against his ribs.
“You know I can’t agree to that,” the captain said determinedly. “Not until I can be sure that it really is in Hope’s best interest. That’s what we all truly care about, isn’t it?”
“Fair enough,” the admiral relented. “But before we start, I need to know more about those strange memories Hope has. Because it really shouldn’t be possible. At least not scientifically.”
“What she remembers foremost, are her children,” Spock answered Dakunia’s question, and McCoy wanted to kick him.
Why did the damn Vulcan always have to be so honest? Didn’t he see that instead of answering their questions, the admiral was trying to extract more information from them?
As if sensing the doctor’s thoughts, Spock cast McCoy a cautionary glance, prompting him to keep his mouth shut. Heaven knew, the first officer usually had good reasons for his actions, and the doctor dearly hoped that today wasn’t the exception.
Dakunia took his time to consider Spock’s words. And when he finally murmured, “I see, but we’d better keep this between us for now!” before finally launching into a more thorough explanation of Hope’s situation, McCoy had to admit that giving away this small piece of information had actually done the trick.
-x-x-x-x-x-
“Okay, so, this whole affair actually started almost a century ago,” Dakunia began hesitantly, pausing to take a sip from his coffee, “when Starfleet’s Section 31 set out on a time travel mission back to the year 2016.” 1)
“Wait a minute!” McCoy cut him short. “You’ve lost me already. Section 31? Since when is there a Section 31?”
“There isn’t,” Kirk said flatly, and the doctor didn’t miss Jim tensing up and shooting Dakunia an almost challenging look.
“You’re right, of course, Jim,” Dakunia agreed, his face grave now, “there isn’t. Yet, I’m their contact in Starfleet Intelligence.”
McCoy felt a cold shiver run down his spine. Starfleet Intelligence? All of a sudden, this whole business sounded huge. And ominous. When had finding out about Hope’s past turned into a major – terrifying – affair?
“Can anyone please enlighten me?” he barked, trying to keep his voice from cracking as he glanced questioningly from Dakunia to his friends. “Is there, or isn’t there a Section 31, and who the hell are they, anyway?”
“Well,” Spock turned to the doctor, when the admiral didn’t offer an explanation, “there have been rumours about a secret branch of Starfleet Intelligence referred to as Section 31. But it is all hearsay, and to my knowledge, nothing has ever been confirmed.”
“Not just secret, Spock,” Kirk added, hard eyes on Dakunia, “but gone rogue. And certainly not a crowd you’d want to get involved with.”
McCoy’s alarm was growing at warp speed, and so was the knot in his stomach.
“Enough, dammit!” he hissed, glaring first at Jim, and then at Dakunia. “So, there is a Section 31. I get it. For God’s sake, just tell us who they are and what the hell Hope’s got to do with them!”
“I will, if you stop interrupting me,” the admiral said mildly, his eyes fixed on McCoy with something almost akin to compassion. “Let’s just say that Section 31 has been taking care of potential threats to the Federation since the middle of the last century.”
“Are you saying that Hope was a threat to the Federation?” the doctor was gaping at Dakunia in shocked disbelief.
So much for not interrupting. But this was truly outrageous!
“Not to begin with,” the admiral went on, unperturbed, “but unfortunately, she interfered with a mission of keeping some time-travelling fanatic from meddling with the politics of the time. Something about presidential elections that year. I can’t give you details, but that fanatic was the actual threat, and Section 31 was to prevent him from carrying out his plan. Regrettably, even today, most people still don’t get that changing past events, however understandable, or even commendable, the wish to do so might be, affects all of history. That it’s not about right or wrong, but about leaving everything exactly the way it was in order to preserve our timeline.”
And how well we know that! McCoy thought sadly, exchanging glances with Kirk, who was quite obviously thinking the same thing, the doctor’s own pain clearly reflected in Jim’s eyes, as they both remembered that awful day they’d had to watch Edith Keeler die in the name of restoring history. 2)
“And where exactly does Hope come in?” Kirk asked, his grief turning into impatience. “The mission was successful after all, I take it?”
“You don’t have to concern yourself with that, Jim,” Dakunia replied curtly. “Suffice it to say that Hope was in the wrong place at the wrong time, trying to be a hero.”
Hearing that, McCoy was gripped by a terrible sense of foreboding, picturing Hope in a similar situation to the one he’d been in with Edith. He’d never forget how he’d felt when Jim had deliberately held him back from saving the woman, whose expression of surprised disbelief, as the car hit her, would forever be etched in his mind. It may have been a ‘necessary’ sacrifice, but the guilt would stay with him for as long as he lived. Just like the question of who was to decide what was necessary, which timeline to preserve, in the first place.
“She didn’t have the faintest idea of what she’d stumbled into, of course,” Dakunia went on, oblivious to Kirk’s and McCoy’s painful memories. “All she saw was a young man of colour, as they still called them then, in trouble, being attacked near the back door of a diner in New York City. So she went to help him, nearly ruining the mission and getting herself killed in the process.”
McCoy froze in horror, registering Kirk’s equally shocked gasp right next to him.
“Her wounds were too severe to be successfully treated in the early 21st century,” the admiral continued, “therefore, not knowing who she was and how her death would affect history, the agents took her aboard their ship and back to 2191, the year they’d started from.”
A cold hand seemed to squeeze McCoy’s heart, as it hit him how close Hope had come to ending up as just another random murder victim, another dead body in the backstreets of then still barbaric New York City, and he felt hot anger rise inside him, when he realised that it hadn’t been concern for her life, but simply fear of her death somehow altering history, that had led to her rescue.
And all just because she’d wanted to help someone. So very Hope. Tears stung at the back of his eyes, even as a strong sense of pride and affection surged through him, when it struck him that trying to help others was probably still going to be the most likely cause of death for Hope.
“What happened then?” Spock asked, seeing that his friends had apparently lost the power of speech.
“Well, Hope was kept sedated until her health was fully restored, and the plan was to simply return her to her own time. Unfortunately, however, due to some technical glitch that’s difficult for us to reconstruct, they not only took her back exactly 200 years instead of the intended 175, but after realising they’d arrived in the wrong time, somehow ended up beaming an additional twenty-year-old version of Hope back up to their ship. To this day, we haven’t been able to determine with certainty, whether this was the consequence of some strange transporter malfunction, some time-anomaly, a rift in the space-time continuum at the exact time of the beam-up, or the fact that Hope had been brought to a time where a younger version of her already existed. The latter seemed the most likely explanation at the time, since the ship’s sensors hadn’t picked up any anomalies, and they couldn't find anything wrong with the transporter, either. So, on discovering that the young woman was, in fact, a duplicate, with her alter ego still on the surface, completely unaware and happily going about her life on Earth in 1991, they took both versions of Hope back to 2191 to deal with, and possibly even undo the chaos they’d created.”
McCoy’s head was spinning, when Dakunia finally paused to give the three officers time to let his words sink in, and from the frowns of concentration on his friends’ faces, the doctor could tell that even Spock had a hard time keeping track of events and processing this whole, preposterous tale.
If he’d been floored by Hope’s original story of spending three hundred years in stasis to be cured of leukaemia, this revised version certainly threw him for a loop. Yet, the doctor felt in his heart, that, this time, Dakunia had told the truth.
Jenny, a duplicate? Some kind of clone?
McCoy didn’t know what to make of this, couldn't even begin to grasp this new concept and all its possible ramifications, or what it could possibly mean for Hope to find out. Let alone how he was supposed to tell her. Just the thought of how this would affect her, frighten her, turn her whole world upside down and put everything she believed in into question, broke his heart. Hell, he had no idea how to even deal with this himself!
Pandora’s box, indeed!
Hope was the most kind-hearted and giving person he knew. She’d never harmed anyone in her life, only ever brought joy and happiness into other people’s lives, always trying to help in her sweet, caring way. So, why was nothing ever easy for her? Why did she have to go through one traumatic experience after the other? Why was her life a never-ending stream of unpleasant surprises?
Despite being aware that she didn’t even know about any of this yet, all McCoy wanted to do at that moment was to go find her. To be with her, hold her, comfort her, protect her. Make sure that this was the last time she’d ever have to go through something like this.
But Dakunia wasn’t done yet. By the looks of him, he still had a lot more to say. How much worse could it get? The doctor felt like running off and taking Hope to the nearest inhabitable planet to hide there from all further news. Just the two of them, together forever, living a simple and quiet life. But things weren’t that simple, were they?
“In the end,” the admiral broke into McCoy’s thoughts, “they managed to take Hope, the original version, back to 2016, leaving a two-day-safety margin, so as not to repeat a possible duplication effect, and making sure that she could go on living her life the way she was meant to.”
“And what about the ‘duplicate’?” McCoy asked, his voice barely more than a whisper, desperate to know, yet not sure he was ready to hear the details of what they’d done to his darling Hope.
1) I borrowed Section 31 from DS9.
2) Reference to the TOS episode “The City on the Edge of Forever”.
x-x-x-x-x-
Continue to:
Chapters 66-70
Chapter 71
Go back to:
Chapters 1-5
Chapters 6-10
Chapters 11-15
Chapters 16-20
Chapters 21-25
Chapters 26-30
Chapters 31-35
Chapters 36-40
Chapters 41-45
Chapters 46-50
Chapters 51-55
Chapters 56-60
Or read it on AO3: Another Life
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Disclaimer:
Nothing of or associated with Star Trek is mine – it all belongs to Paramount / ViacomCBS (or whoever else is currently holding the rights). This is a work of fanfiction, no infringement intended.
