I just had to say this to someone and I figured you'd maybe understand my predicament the best.
When I read "Practice run", i really enjoyed reading good things happening to everlark because they prayed and were good god-believing people. I felt happy because at least fictional people are getting good things from god.
Now, i have lived in KSA for 16 years and was surrounded by muslims all around (includes my entire muslim family) there were many opportunities to learn about god and how he loves us and heaven and hell, etc. i tried, i really did and for years i tried following islam but thats where it started.
I rarely remember getting things i prayed or cried to god for. I gave up so much but i prayed and talked to god and learned supplications, read the holy book. But still, it seemed like bad things continued to happen.
I have been one of those kids that have some sort of sickness all the time and its one of the things i prayed about but not only did my diseases cease, i became mentally ill too in my early teens. i became depressed, had BPD and suicidal tendencies. I was always sad or hurt and I prayed to god but i hardly got anything.
I stopped praying about those things but prayed for my gifted memory back but my memory never became better again and takes a turn for the worst every few days later.
I prayed, cried, BEGGED for my cats health, for my health, for my memory, for staying in KSA. I was desperate and cried until my throat was sore and eyes hurt but i didnt get anything... I took part in charity, sat through endless religious talk and lessons, still nothing.
Only a few years ago i finally gained enough courage to leave all things religion behind silently and i feel freer and better. I know i hardly had my prayers answered so why bother trying? why hurt myself? why?
I dont know if i should feel relieved of my religious duties or fear retribution coming for me. I just want the best for me...
Sorry for ranting 😅😅and i hope you got all i was trying to say there...
Hey! Thank you so much for the ask! 💗
One of the reasons why I wrote Practice Run was because I wanted people to see the normal, everyday struggles that people go through, and that being a Christian or believing in God doesn’t necessarily change that. There was a happy ending in the fic because I won’t write a fic without a happy ending, but that doesn’t mean that all problems will have a positive outcome if you pray hard enough.
Prayers are always answered. Sometimes the answer is ‘yes’, sometimes it’s ‘no’, and sometimes it’s ‘not now’. For me, the ‘not now’ answers are always the absolute worst because of my tendencies towards impatience that leads to anxiety. It’s not uncommon for me to get a thought in my head about one of my loved ones that then begins to spiral into some long hypothetical situation that I A: have no control over, and B: may not even happen, all because of a ‘not now’ answer. I tried to demonstrate this ‘not now’ aspect in Practice Run. Peeta didn’t end up getting the job that he thought he wanted, but he eventually got one that was arguably better, and in a place that had a special meaning to Katniss as well. Katniss received a ‘yes’ answer to her prayer when it came to her job, when she thought she might be let go, but she just as easily could’ve received a ‘no’ answer. That doesn’t mean God loved her any less, or was trying to punish her. It just meant that she was where she was supposed to be at the time.
Finally, God doesn’t judge us based on our good works. You won’t “earn” ‘yes’-answered prayers by doing charity work or listening to lectures or sermons. God cares about what’s in our hearts. If our hearts are filled with the joy and peace that comes from knowing that we are cherished beyond all belief, then we can get past even the worst possible obstacles we come across on our journey.
I also want to add here that God is not offended when we question things either. It’s completely normal to question why a prayer was answered ‘no’ or ‘not now’ instead of ‘yes’, and even completely normal to be angry at God from time to time. Children get angry at their parents all the time. It doesn’t mean the parents love them any less.
I do hope this was helpful, and please don’t ever apologise for sending me asks! 💗 I’m happy to try and help!
