I had a realization last night. Honestly, I am still not even sure about it. For some time now I have been struggling with fatigue, which until now, I had been chalking it up to being highly introverted (meaning my energy is easily drained by interacting with people). That might still hold true, but I am beginning to think there is something else involved here.
Last night I was sitting in my college's cafe, while a friend was on shift for a few hours. For some background information, they play music pretty loud from some speakers, and there was an event that evening which brought a lot of people in to the cafe (so lots of audible voices).
I thought for the first 30 to 45 minutes there, that the noise level was fine, that it was not a bother to me. But around the hour mark, I was beginning to feel increasingly more fatigued. Eventually, it reached a point where I was rereading passages from my book over and over, because I was struggling to take in and process the words on the pages. When I could not focus on it anymore, I gave up, and instead found myself occasionally zoning out, staring out the window or at the table. I had to shake myself a few times, when I realized what I was doing.
I deliberated over putting my ear defenders on, but I could not bring myself to use them with so many people around. So, I convinced myself after a while to leave and find somewhere quieter within the college's campus center.
In a more isolated spot, I put my ear defenders on, and immediately felt a wave of calm wash over me. Despite that though, I still found myself crying, curled up, with my face buried in my knees.
What brings me to believe this is a matter of auditory processing, instead of it being due to my introverted nature, is that I hardly interacted with people in the cafe last night. The only times were when two or three people asked me about if seats were taken. Sure there were a lot of people there, but social drain is primarily the result of engaging in conversations, or other social activities, for long periods of time. Considering this, simply sitting in that Cafe, reading and keeping to myself, should not socially drain me to a great extent like that.
I can see how I would associate the fatigue with socializing; gatherings of people tend to involve a decent amount of noise. I believe I may have been overlooking the noise factor (as being a potential causation for the fatigue), because I was under the preconception that it was the human factor (along with mental health factors) that were the primary cause.
I told a friend about this late last night, saying that I still cannot feel sure about this, even though it sounds very possible. She told me, "I think it is okay to not be sure." She continued on, saying something along the lines of: if you have gone this long without being aware that this is a possibility, then that means this is not something you can easily be sure of for the time being.
I feel reassured, hearing that from someone outside of myself. Her words are incredibly valuable to me right now, as I am deliberating over something that could be potentially life changing.
