The Time the Bat-Family Discovered Fanfiction
Credits to @batfamspews. I was inspired by one of their posts.
For context, this is about the Bat-Family and a female Y/n. Basically, she's been with them for several years, and she's a superhero called Night-Spider. Initially, she had no superpowers, but was incredibly lethal with her combat skills and with handling weapons. But she gained her abilities (identical to Marvel's Spiderman) when she was bitten by a radioactive spider on a mission taking place in a laboratory. But that's not the point. I'm not going to dig too much into her backstory or how she entered the Bat-Family, since this is mainly for entertainment.
Enjoy 🌹
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The Batcave was unnervingly quiet. A rare thing, considering the usual soundtrack consisted of clanging metal, sparring grunts, and the occasional Jason Todd shouting obscenities because he'd shot his own training dummy again.
But tonight? Silence.
The Bat-kids were sprawled across the floor like overworked college students after finals—phones out, energy low, and collectively realizing that being vigilantes didn't mean they were immune to boredom.
"Have y'all ever read fan fiction about ourselves?" Jason asked suddenly, his voice slicing through the silence like a batarang through existential dread.
Four heads turned in slow motion.
"...What?" Dick said, blinking like he'd just heard Jason admit to liking country music.
Duke tilted his head to the side. "There's fan fiction? About us??"
Tim didn't even look up. "Oh, lots of it. Also tons of fan art."
Dick groaned. "Yeah, I've seen some of those. They make me feel both honored and violated at the same time."
Jason grinned, wickedly. "Some of them are hilarious. We should read one tonight."
Barbara raised an eyebrow. "Aren't they pretty... spicy and raunchy?"
Tim shrugged. "There are some clean ones. I'll find one."
Big mistake.
Five minutes later, he'd commandeered the Batcomputer. "Okay," Tim announced. "This one's the top-rated story on Battpad. It says it's family-friendly."
Jason leaned forward. "Family-friendly? Boringgg."
"Better than trauma-friendly," Barbara muttered.
Tim clicked the link, and the massive Batcomputer screen filled with the title:
The Brooding Brood: A Bat-Family Tale
Dick read the first line aloud, voice dripping with drama:
"Broose Wane stood tall, his cape dramatically swishing in the stale air of the underground cave, as his loyal butler, Al-Fried, approached with tea and emotional support he would never accept but desperately needed."
A silence followed. Then Jason snorted. "Al-Fried?"
Barbara slapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh no, this is gonna be good."
Tim kept reading.
"Beside him, his Robins—Nightie Bird, Jaywalker, Jimothy Duck, and the Slightly Shorter—trained under his watchful, emotionally unavailable gaze."
Dick fell backward laughing. "They called me Nightie Bird?!"
Jason was wheezing. "Jaywalker! Oh, that's perfect!"
Stephanie was crying into her sleeve. "Slightly Shorter! Damian's gonna kill someone."
"I AM NOT SLIGHTLY SHORTER!" Damian barked, standing up immediately—which only made the joke worse.
Tim scrolled down, still laughing too hard to breathe. "Listen to this—"
"Jaywalker leaned back in his chair, secretly listening to classical music while reading Jane Austin—his guilty pleasure, second only to shooting at the Joker's tires."
Jason froze. "Wait—how did they know that?"
Everyone looked at him.
Jason pointed a finger defensively. "Okay, yeah, I read Jane Austin and I like Beethoven. But how would anyone online know that?!"
"Dude," Dick chuckled, "You just confirmed it."
Tim scrolled again. "They also gave me a caffeine addiction and named me Jimothy Duck."
"Yeah," Jason said dryly, "So basically... it's a biography."
Dick gasped. "Hold up—this story says Nightie Bird has a secret drawer full of patterned socks."
Everyone turned toward him.
"How—how would they—?!" Dick stammered. "Most people don't even know that!"
"Most people?" Jason grinned. "So you do have a drawer like that."
Before Dick could respond, Damian spoke, offended to his core. "They portrayed me as 'The Slightly Shorter,' and said I 'throws tantrums when people won't let him hold the sword.' I do not throw tantrums!"
Everyone stared at him.
"...Not anymore," Damian added quietly.
They were in hysterics when Bruce walked in, looking exhausted. "Why is there laughter in my cave?"
Tim cleared his throat. "We're reading fan fiction about ourselves."
Bruce blinked. "Fan what?"
Jason turned the screen toward him. "Read this, B. You're Broose Wane now."
Bruce read the opening line silently, his jaw tightening. "Al-Fried?"
"Yup," Jason said, smirking.
"And he... brings me emotional support I refuse to accept?"
Barbara nodded. "Pretty accurate, actually."
Alfred entered the Batcave, holding a tray of tea. "Master Bruce, would you like your—" He paused. "Why is everyone staring at me?"
Jason snorted. "Because apparently your fanfic name is Al-Fried."
Alfred raised an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"
Tim coughed, barely holding it together. "Yeah, and you offer emotional support he never accepts but desperately needs."
Alfred stared at Bruce. "Well, at least someone in this mysterious online realm understands me."
Stephanie clutched her stomach, laughing. "This is too good. Who wrote this masterpiece?"
Tim scrolled to the top again. "Some gal named Night-Spinner."
The room went dead silent.
All eyes slowly turned toward each other.
"...Wait a damn minute," Jason began. "Night-Spinner?"
Barbara's voice was quiet. "You don't think—?"
Everyone: "Night-Spider."
They froze.
Then, in perfect unison, shouted, "NO WAY."
Jason immediately pulled out his phone and hit dial.
After two rings, Y/n's voice crackled through the comm. "Hey, what's up, losers? I'm mid-swing, make it quick."
Jason: "Did you—did you write The Brooding Brood?!"
There was a pause. Then a sigh. "Listen, guys, galas are boring, okay? I wrote it in the bathroom for kicks and gigs. How was I supposed to know the internet would love making fun of you too?"
Tim shouted, "You outed my caffeine addiction to Battpad!"
Y/n cackled. "You outed your caffeine addiction to Gotham every time you drink four Red Bulls before 9 a.m."
Dick groaned. "And patterned socks? Really?"
"Hey, Nightie Bird, don't act like you don't color-coordinate them with your workout gear," She teased.
Jason grinned into the phone. "You're pure evil."
"Flattery will get you nowhere, Jaywalker," She replied.
Damian growled. "I demand a rewrite where I am taller."
"Dream on, Slightly Shorter."
The call ended with her laughter echoing in their ears, and the Batcave fell silent again.
Jason exhaled, smirking. "Okay... but that was actually hilarious."
Tim sighed. "We're never living this down."
Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. "I need to delete the internet."
Alfred served him tea. "Or," He said mildly, "You could just accept the emotional support you desperately need."