#spiderwriting

[spiderworries]

my point with the whole thing is that, unless you learn how to photosynthesize, you can only exist by taking energy from others. the line being drawn that deforestation and habitat loss in the name of farming is fine but directly killing and eating an animal isn’t is what’s strange to me. your main purpose in the world is to consume. to take energy and convert it into your energy, and then pass that energy on. why is death for your survival only okay when you can’t see it?

[spiderworries]

i’ve done the full 180 from being a vegetarian (when I was younger) to squinting just a little bit when someone tells me they’re vegetarian/vegan

obviously you can do whatever you want forever. i personally still do not eat red meat for a variety of reasons

but if you’re vegetarian purely because you do not want animals to suffer or die your worldview is so, so alien to me

i think there is a very specific first world (and specifically American) disconnect from death as a natural part of life. killing an animal for food is a neutral act. there is no morality associated with it. there are some situations in which it is more ethical to kill an animal than not to kill it (ie white tailed deer)

but the idea that you are reducing suffering simply by not eating meat is such a strange one to me, and it highlights such a specific perspective on suffering- that death must be the ultimate suffering, the act of killing is the ultimate immoral act. the life of a cow matters more than the quality of life of a worker, or the environmental toll taken by shipping your bananas across the country.

you are not eliminating death by not eating meat, you are putting a layer of separation between you and the death. your consumption will always take something from the world.

veganism, especially the debate on if honey is vegan, adds another layer of it to me- because insects are still being bred, transported, killed, and kept in captivity in order to produce the fruit that you use as a honey substitute. you would not be able to produce oranges in america without the help of the Australian Ladybug, which is specially bred explicitly for the purpose of pest control and used all over the world. how is this different than raising and breeding bees in order to produce honey?

this is not to say that you shouldn’t be vegetarian- there are plenty of reasons to be, from environmental reasons, to health reasons, to personal preference or taste. however, i think that people should analyze *why* animal agriculture makes them uncomfortable, and if they are actually decreasing suffering or just personally separating themselves from it

[spiderworries]

if i owe you mail(irl), or texts (digital) or whatever, sorry. it’s been the most batshit insane month of my life.

so

life update!

i move in a month, maybe a month and a half. depends on what sublet i end up with. i got the out of state job. i also got full time temp in state work (thank god) so i can afford to move out of state. somehow, in the past month, i have managed to meet dozens of beautiful and radiant and amazing people in this city that i hate, just as i am leaving it, and i will meet many other radiant people in new cities too, but it’s very strange to feel like i’m finally established in a local community that i’m preparing to leave.

i’m leaving virtually everyone and everything i love, the last time i did something like this was when i was 17, and i was moving for college then, which is wildly different, and even then, i was only an hour flight from home.

i feel like i am mourning an east coast summer that i haven’t even left yet, a summer that i have always hated, but i am so used to the cicadas that a night without them sounds unnaturally silent, and they don’t have cicadas on the west coast.

this time last year i felt like i had nothing and no one except for a partner that i hated (who i was with because i had put time and energy into it, and i didn’t want to start over) and i thought i was going to work in higher ed for the rest of my life (because i was good at it, and experienced, and i didn’t want to start over) after i finished my degree that i didn’t plan on using (bc i was almost done with it, and fuck it, you need a bachelors now, and i didn’t want to start over [again])

and now i am a college dropout about to relocate 3000 miles away to work my high school dream job in a city that i never thought i would make it to and the entire world is full of love and joy and there are people i met less than a year ago that are some of my closest friends in the world, and i remembered that there are many people who i have known for many years who were already my closest friends in the world and always will be.

this time last year i would barely speak to my mother and now we plan weekend trips together just to drink fancy cocktails and eat delicious food.

for the first time since i was 12 i have a body that i feel at home in. i bought my first triangle bikini and i have been dreaming of places to wear it. i can dance all night and run and haven’t had even the idea of pain.

i did not think that i was unhappy a year ago, and i don’t think that i was by many metrics, but if i could meet the me from last april i would tell them not to change a thing, and fail, and cry, and get their heart broken a dozen times, and that it is going to be ok, not despite, but because of that

[spiderworries]

bad excuse

[spiderworries]

Plexiglass. Oct 27, 2024. Assorted memories

—

You’re sober at a nightclub (you don’t want to be sick) and you see, so clearly, that everyone has someone to dance with but you. Your friend pulls you into step, but her heart isn’t in it. Everyone is laughing and joking-inside jokes they made that week that you don’t understand. 

— 

You hear people reminisce about late night walks you were never invited to. Your coworker goes to the karaoke mic to sing a song you sung together once. They bring up someone who doesn’t know the words. 

— 

On the floor in some basement, somewhere, watching girls hug and chatter nervously. You stare at the ceiling. They let you into their little club. Someone told you, whispered in your ear: “you were top pick!” And yet- somehow you’re alone. What did they see in you that went away when they got to know you?

— 

You feel it- always a step behind, alone in a window seat on a bus, odd one out. There is a pane of glass between you and everyone else. It fogs up when you get too close, obscuring the people behind it. 

—

At dinner at a restaurant you probably can't afford, you look across the table at a girl in a brown sweater. You thank your lucky stars that you got this second.. third? chance, because- jesus- you are not that cool. They tell you a story while your soup gets cold. Asleep on the bus far away from home, and they wake up alone- at some gas station, just them and the bus driver, left behind. You don’t know how anyone could forget them, but you think of their breath, fogging up that bus window. 

—

“Oh. 

 Oh. 

 You feel it too.”

—

Transcription of doodles:

4 captioned pen drawings: 1. A sketch of a shot glass. Caption: "National women's day! Free shots for women! (you give it to someone else.)

2. A sketch of a slice of pizza. Caption: "You ate this slice of pizza alone on your 18th.

3. A sketch of a cat- shaped stress ball with one ear ripped off. Caption: You ripped the ears off of Bailey's cat stress ball! Whoops!

4. A sketch of a bowl of ramen. Caption: Overpriced ramen.

Thank you to @myladyvesta for transcribing!

[spiderworries]

made the comic i was talking about earlier

[spiderworries]

✶about✶

frozencranberries—>spiderworries

zoph/zophronia

they/them, they/he if my tits are out

double dropout previously blue haired nonbinary twenty-something PNW transplant barista with microbangs on 40 mg of fluoxetine

your existence, life itself, and the fact that you are reading these words right now are all due to random chance. everything has led up to this moment, and this moment will lead into the next one.

✶i'm nice except for when i'm not.

✶DNIs aren't real. i don't have one and I didn't read yours. just assume i'm a sex freak or supporter of whatever niche identity that it's en vogue to hate.

✶ culturally Jewish athiest. Tikkun Olam is a free Palestine.

✶ past this point lies photos of bugs, slugs, bats, and all manner of creepy crawlies.

✶ frequent posts about disco elysium and worlds beyond number/d20. infrequent posts about fallen london, tiger tiger, and whatever strikes my fancy at the time

music: get to know me/my essentials the curated HDB mix my beautiful autumn mix tags to know! #cranberryposting: any original posts

#spiderwriting: any original writing

[spiderworries]

NIGHT WALK

or

AND I HAVE SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE COMPLETELY RULED BY GUILT AND SHAME AND FEAR. THERE IS NOT A VERSION OF MY BODY THAT YOU HAVE SEEN THAT I FELT IN HOME IN. AND ALMOST EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE HAS BEEN OUT OF THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE.

I WAS WALKING IN GEORGETOWN YESTERDAY AND I WAS ENTIRELY OVERWHELMED BY A DEEP SENSE OF LOVE FOR THE WORLD AND THE PEOPLE IN IT AND THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD HAVE MADE IT BETTER WAS SOMEONE TO SHARE IT WITH