Andreil. A Knight and Day AU, please!
So, uh, I have no idea what this is. I’ve never seen Knight and Day and only have the vaguest idea what it’s about (spies, maybe???). Instead of doing the logical thing, and admitting that and turning down the request or looking into the movie, instead I wrote this: which is definitely not what you wanted or asked for. Oh, but @annawrites it has a fake relationship! But again, probably not what you wanted. Sorry anon! Enjoy anyway, I guess?
Whenever anyone asked Neil what he did for a living, he responded by saying he was a spy. This always was met with impressed faces and probing questions about his job. Was it like being James Bond? everyone always wanted to know. Was he out there, taking names and kicking ass? Neil always tapped the side of his nose conspiratorially and said that he couldn’t talk about it, that it was classified.
He wasn’t lying. He was a spy. What he didn’t mention was that he didn’t work for the CIA or the FBI or the NSA. No, he worked for the IRS. He was an accountant spy.
His job consisted of going undercover at suspect companies and looking for evidence that they were committing tax fraud or other white collar crime. He suspected that all the people who were so impressed with his profession would be less so if they knew the particulars.
Luckily, there weren’t all that many people who asked. He socialized mainly with his coworkers at the IRS (who, obviously, were aware of what he did for a living) or with his coworkers when he was undercover (and it’s not like he could tell them that he was spying on them).
In general, he liked his work. It brought together his two biggest talents: math and lying about his identity. He knew that some of his coworkers, like Dan and Matt, had lofty goals and ideals about making the world a better place by punishing the rich, but Neil was in it for the money.
As good as he was (and he was very good) every so often he made mistakes. Like today.
“Come on, pick up,” he muttered into his phone. “Pick up, pick up, pick up.”
“Foxes’ Dry Cleaning,” answered Dan’s cheerful voice. “We clean up your messes.”
“‘Babe’?” repeated Dan. “Our relationship seems to have gotten a lot more serious without my knowledge.”
“How are you? Still free tonight?”
“I’m pretty sure that your current identity doesn’t have a significant other,” sighed Dan. “What happened?”
“Well, you know how I wasn’t planning on being out at work?” asked Neil.
“I know, but I was caught off guard, Chad,” said Neil, testily. “So I need to know if you’re free to come to the office party tonight?”
“Mmm-hmmm,” said Neil. “I know that, but I would really appreciate—”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Everyone wants to meet my husband.”
“You’re usually better at obfuscating,” grumbled Dan. “Someone will be there by five.”
“Great,” said Neil in relief. “It means a lot to me. Love you.”
“I’m going to tell Andrew you said that.”
“Okay, bye.” Neil hung up and rubbed a hand through his hair. Goddamn Barbara. This was all her fault.
She was one of those well-meaning busybody types with her nose in everyone’s business, telling them how to live their lives. Neil did not feel guilty at all that he was probably going to be arresting her for tax evasion in the near future.
He’d been doing pretty well at brushing her off when she asked about his personal life, sharing only little bits about his fake background. He’d also been successful so far at shutting down her attempts to set him up. All it had taken was one momentary lapse when he hadn’t had his guard up.
“I invited someone to the office party tonight that I really think you should meet,” Barbara had said.
“Mmm,” said Neil, completely noncommittally, focused on his calculations. He was missing something, somewhere. It wasn’t adding up properly.
“I really think you’ll like her, she’s super great.”
“Oh, come on. You need someone to take care of you.”
“I’m married,” Neil had muttered, his mouth saying the words without permission from his brain. “Uh,” he said, catching himself and looking up. “I mean…”
Her eyes had narrowed at his left ring finger which was completely bare. She raised one eyebrow skeptically. “Really? How come you never mentioned it before?”
“Look,” said Neil, checking around to make sure no one was close enough to eavesdrop. “I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure how people here would react to… him.”
“Oh!” said Barbara, suddenly flustered. “I didn’t know you were— not that there’s anything wrong with that,” she hastily tacked on.
“If you could keep it to yourself?” he asked. “I’m not ready to be, you know, out here.”
“Of course,” she said, nodding a lot and watching him with newfound interest. “Of course I won’t tell anybody.”
Neil had not had high hopes and his lack of trust in her discretion had been proven correct less than an hour later when Evelyn, a very professional HR rep, had stiffly stood next to his desk.
“I am sorry,” she’d said, “Mr. Jacobs, that you have felt the need to hide your sexuality.”
“Oh, please don’t—” started Neil.
“This company is very accepting of a variety of different lifestyles and I want to ensure you that we will swiftly deal with any person that is making you feel uncomfortable.”
“Uh,” said Neil, stupidly.
“As such, we request that you invite your… partner to the office party tonight. He will be welcomed with open arms.”
“Oh, Neil, you have to,” said Barbara, popping up from god-knew-where. “We feel simply horrible that you’ve felt the need to keep this from us!”
Neil opened his mouth and closed it, feeling like a fish. He turned back to Evelyn. “This whole conversation is making me feel uncomfortable,” he tried.
“We look forward to meeting your partner tonight,” Evelyn replied.
“Husband,” Neil said grumpily. He hated the term ‘partner’.
“I can’t wait!” said Barbara.
Which was when Neil had given up arguing and decided to call Dan for help. There was only one thing that could solve this problem: a fake husband.
He’d teamed up with several of his co-workers before, pretending to be married. It was easier to work with a supporting partner and having a spouse that came to visit him at work was a good cover. But he didn’t need a normal husband for this. He needed Chad.
It was originally Erik who had made up the persona. He’d been working with Dan at the time and she needed him to pretend to be her boyfriend at a party at the company she was investigating. She told him to be as distracting as possible but to remain above suspicion.
Erik had taken these directions and created Chad: a golden retriever of a human being. He was a personal trainer/masseur/underwear model, who had a smile like sunshine and absolutely nothing going on below the surface. He was so pretty and dumb that everyone instantly understood that he was arm candy. He’d smiled beguilingly and let Dan’s middle aged female coworkers pinch his biceps. He’d been so distracting that Dan had successfully planted several bugs in executives’ offices while everyone was looking at her perfect boyfriend. After that, Chad had been a tool that all of them used from time to time.
Nicky, Jeremy, and Matt were all very good at being Chad (Erik was still the master), Kevin and Neil were passable, and no one asked the twins to do it after Andrew had tried once and made everyone incredibly uncomfortable with his wide grin.
There was also a female version of Chad, called Candi (with an i) that Allison always had too much fun pretending to be, although she was better at being a bored, bitter trophy wife.
Neil knew that they were swamped right now; there was a reason that he didn’t already have a backup fake significant other. He felt bad for his slip up, but having a Chad at the party tonight would be useful. He’d found quite a few irregularities in his accounting and he wanted to bug his boss’ office to get an idea of how widespread and intentional the tax fraud was. He hoped that Matt was available to come, although Kevin would be fine, too. Those were the two he worked with most often.
He spent the rest of the afternoon half-focused on his work and half-worrying about the party that evening.
It wasn’t until Barbara was standing by his desk, rocking excitedly on the balls of her feet that Neil was made aware of the time.
“Jameson,” she said, addressing him by his undercover name. He was pretending to be a trust fund douchebag and he had a name to match. “Is he on his way?” Her excitement was palpable, although Neil had no idea why.
“I’m sure he is,” answered Neil. He actually had no clue who was coming or how to contact them, but he trusted Dan not to let him down.
“Uh,” stuttered Neil, desperately trying to come up with the most generic description ever that didn’t include any hints to Chad’s physical appearance. “Nice.”
Barbara gave him an unimpressed look, but he was saved by his office phone ringing. He pointed at it and she sighed happily.
“Mr. Jacobs?” said the gruff voice of the building’s security guard. “I have a Chad Jacobs here to see you.”
“I’ll be right down,” said Neil, heading to the elevators. Barbara was still watching him with heart eyes as the elevator doors closed between them.
He spent the trip down wordlessly thanking Dan for sending someone to save him. Once he arrived, he smiled in relief at the familiar blond head. He always felt best with Andrew at his back, even though Andrew made a poor Chad. It wasn’t until he’d taken a couple steps out of the elevator that he realized his mistake.
Aaron looked like he was on the way to the executioner’s block as opposed to an office party where he’d have to pretend to be his real-life brother-in-law’s fake husband for the evening. Although, Neil was in agreement that there wasn’t a lot of difference between the two.
“Babe,” he made himself say, reaching out a hand. “Come upstairs.”
Aaron pushed past him into the elevator without acknowledging him.
“Ground rules,” he said as soon as they were alone. “I’ve decided that Chad is uncomfortable with PDA.”
“Remember that Chad is gay and shouldn’t be caught staring at women’s breasts,” Neil said snippily in return.
“Maybe Chad is bisexual and is considering leaving you.”
“You’re here to back me up, not to make this harder,” grumbled Neil. “Could you try to pretend to like me?”
“It’s not like you like me.”
“You are not even in the top three people who I hate most in the world right now.”
“Really?” said Aaron with interest. “I thought I was usually number one. Who’s beating me?”
“Well, Dan, obviously, for sending you.” Aaron nodded in agreement. “Andrew, for not being available to come himself. And Kevin.”
“Kevin? Kevin didn’t do anything.”
“Everything is at least partially Kevin’s fault.”
“Fair,” Aaron paused. “What do they know about me?”
“That your name is Chad, that we are married, and that you’re nice.”
Aaron glared. “Fine,” he muttered, and took Neil’s hand. His palm with warm and clammy and Neil resisted the urge to snatch his hand away and wipe it on his pants.
“I’m going to murder Dan,” he muttered, as the elevator arrived at his floor. “Smile!” he added. “We’re in love.”
“Great,” sighed Aaron, pasting an unconvincing smile on his face.
As soon as they got back to headquarters, a raucous cheer greeted them. Matt popped the cork out of a bottle of champagne.
“Mazel tov to the happy couple!” he shouted.
“Yeah, yeah, you’re hilarious,” muttered Aaron. “Give me some of that so I can forget this ever happened.”
“Aw, did your husband not treat you well?” chortled Nicky.
Aaron set his jaw and didn’t answer.
“Did you get the bugs placed?” Dan asked.
“Yes,” said Neil, giving a full-body shudder.
“What?” said Dan, noting his reaction. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” replied Neil. Dan was not impressed, her expression demanding. “I almost got caught. It’s okay, it worked out.”
“How did it work out?” asked Allison, sounding completely delighted.
“Give me the alcohol,” said Aaron sharply.
“Come on, tell us!” cajoled Erik.
“I hate all of you,” said Aaron.
“It’s all in good fun,” said Renee.
“Yes,” said Neil dryly. “Hopefully one day we’ll find it just as funny as the rest of you already do.”
“Tell us! Tell us what you’re hiding!” said Katelyn.
Aaron sighed heavily. “He dragged me into a closet and got on his knees. Then I had to make fake sex noises until one of his coworkers caught us. It was the worst moment of my life. I would appreciate the oblivion of alcohol now.”
Everybody laughed heartily and looked to Andrew for his reaction.
He shook his head at Neil. “I don’t answer your call once and you elope with my brother?”
“Serves you right,” replied Neil.
Andrew stepped closer to him, lips twitching.
Neil glared at him. “Not you, too.”
“I always wanted the two of you to get along better, but this is not what I meant.”
“You’re going to regret making jokes when I leave you for him.”
“You’re not going to do that,” said Andrew seriously, although his hazel eyes were still amused.
“You know how petty I can be.”
“You won’t,” reiterated Andrew with confidence. “You only swing for me.” He pulled Neil into a kiss and he immediately melted. He didn’t know how Andrew could affect him like this, after seven years of marriage and over a decade together.
Still. He wasn’t going to let this go that easily. “Mmm,” he moaned. “Aaron.”
Andrew pinched his waist in retaliation.
Nearby, Aaron whimpered unhappily into his champagne.
