Feeling trapped, crisis of the self, and the hidden meaning of Spock's two steepled fingers: Thinking once again about this particular hand posture of Spock's and what it means in the kolinahr scene specifically (Part 3 of my thoughts about TMP, this time connected to themes in Plato's Stepchildren).
The first time I noticed Spock using this hand posture was in Plato's Stepchildren, and I wrote previously about how this seemed to me like a very specific self-soothing gesture for Autistic!Spock.
In this instance in Plato's Stepchildren, he is in deep distress over the events of the previous scene, and while, as always, he is doing a fairly good job of maintaining his outward composure, he is completely spiraling internally here, as evidence by the way his very next action is to stand up and crush a cup in his bare hand out of rage and overwhelm.
The way he is holding his hands, each with two fingers extended, reminds me so much of the way his parents hold hands with two fingers extended, and to me it looks like a form of comfort stimming that probably feels very soothing to him, like holding his own hand.
Now, fast forward to TMP, and this is the first glance we have of Spock as he is about to undertake kolinahr and completely purge himself of any remaining emotion or connection. Notice that the hand posture is the same.
My theory is this: in this key moment, just as in Plato's Stepchildren, Spock is distressed. He is overwhelmed. He is spiraling internally. He feels he has something to prove and he is desperately trying to want this, to need this. He is trying so hard to get "a good grade in Vulcan-ness, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve!" But it's not actually what he needs or wants. It's not actually where he belongs. And, deep down, he knows it. So he holds his own hand for comfort through those feelings.
Let's contrast that hand posture with something similar that we see later in the same movie, after Spock has returned to the Enterprise, but is still acting very cold and distant.
This is a tense moment, in which the ship (and the crew) have purposely breached the cloud surrounding V'ger. One of their crew has just been forcefully abducted by V'ger, from the bridge, mere feet away, and the ship is now being pulled in further, against their will, by V'ger's tractor beam. Decker suggests they attempt to break free, and Spock responds: "Break free to where, Commander? (folds his hands) Any show of resistance would be futile, Captain."
In this case, when he folds his hands together, he only extends one finger of each hand, steepling his forefingers. His other fingers twitch nervously for several seconds, but he never steeples his middle fingers too.
In comparing and contrasting these three hand posture moments, there is a key similarity and a key difference that we should notice.
First, to compare. In all three of these moments, Spock feels trapped. The first and last are obvious: in the first, he is literally trapped by the telekinetics in Plato's Stepchildren, unable to leave, recovering from being forced to act in an embarrassing and potentially violent way in the prior scene, and facing the fear of being forced into that situation again. In the third, he is trapped with the crew by V'ger and suddenly realizing that there is no means of escape.
But, in the second one, the kolinahr one, it's not so obvious. My theory is that Spock feels equally trapped in this situation. Trapped by the unattainable expectations of his culture as a mixed-race person attempting to assimilate. Trapped by his own decision to run away from his love for Kirk, to reject the love of his friends, and to abandon not just his life in Starfleet, but his life as an individual capable of love and connection. Now he is moments away from achieving kolinahr and instead of feeling relieved or accomplished or inspired, he is feeling trapped. So he holds his own hand to comfort himself.
But what about the differences? What is common between the first two that is not in the third? What earns that second finger? Spock's crisis of the self.
In Plato's Stepchildren, Spock is grappling with seeing himself as violent for the first time. He has spent his whole life attempting to purge emotion from himself, specifically in the name of purging the violence of his ancestors, but the telekinetic Platonians came very close to forcing him to hurt Kirk, the man he loves. He is now feeling rage and hatred towards them for making him act that way, and this uncharacteristic rage is not just contributing to that trapped feeling, it is also giving him a further crisis of the self.
Someone (@mama-mia-its-mia) brought up Plato's Stepchildren in the notes on one of my previous posts on the Spirk breakup arc, which got me thinking more about that episode and what it means for Spirk's fight and Spock's internal crisis in the later episodes of Season 3. I do think that the most irreversible damage to Spirk's relationship happens in Requiem for Methuselah. But he faces a related crisis of the self in Plato's Stepchildren, a few episodes prior. Could this crisis ("My love for Kirk has awakened violent feelings in me") be the first crack in the glass for Spock? Is that crisis the very first stumble on the slippery slope into later trying to force himself into kolinahr? And could those feelings somehow be related to the song he sings later in that episode about how dangerous it is to love a man? (A song which he sings while staring at Kirk the whole time, mind you.)
He sings to the women of how the man you love "leaves with your treasure." At first blush, it's a sexual reference. But what if Spock's treasure is his composure, his nonviolence, but he is realizing that his love for Kirk is upsetting that fragile balance within himself?
The third instance, however, with only one pair of steepled fingers, is not a crisis of the self. It is merely that trapped feeling. Distress, yes. But not a crisis of identity. So the middle fingers stay down.
Which brings us back to the second time, moments before kolinahr. Spock is not only feeling trapped, he is again asking the question he once asked when forced to face a rising feeling of violence and hatred in himself: Is this really what I am?
That will still be the same question he is asking later, when he extends his mind to meet V'ger's and finally learns the answer he has been looking for his whole life.
